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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to expect husband to cancel his holiday?

363 replies

Bruce123 · 24/10/2020 18:06

Hi
I have had a melanoma in situ removed from my leg and need further surgery to ensure the margins are big enough and a skin graft to cover the hole. Date of surgery clashes with husbands’ walking trip away with his mate. He postponed once due to Covid and had to rearrange from Wales to Cotswolds because of lockdown restrictions. I can’t postpone surgery because surgeon is coming off his holidays to clear his backlog. I am not supposed to walk and keep the leg elevated for the first few days after surgery. Am reliant on 15 year old (anorexic) daughter who is stropping/ refusing to offer get up before midday to feed cats/ make me breakfast.

Am I being unreasonable in asking my husband to consider postponing his holiday? He is saying he won’t do so. Am feeling very hurt as this whole marriage ceremony, I am sure, mentioned something about in sickness and in health...

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 25/10/2020 05:36

You are probably right. But it might be prudent to check.

BitOfFun · 25/10/2020 05:39

Has he ever been this demonstrably selfish before?

Sally2791 · 25/10/2020 05:47

You are not being unreasonable at all, but forcing him to cancel won’t create the feelings that he should have for you. Is it possible to ask another family member or friend to help you, and when you feel able, have a serious discussion about the future of your relationship.

Original poster
Bruce123 · 25/10/2020 05:53

Yes. I would say that he can be selfish. Can’t we all? As things stand. I will have to cope with the surgery alone / with minimal care and it looks like we will be getting a divorce.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 25/10/2020 06:02

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have cancer myself, and I really do understand how vital it is to have the support of your partner and family.

ClaireP20 · 25/10/2020 06:10

I can't offer any advice but I will say I'm so sorry he isn't supporting you. That sounds like very painful surgery and if you don't keep your leg elevated then it could have long term effects. Your (typical) 15 year old will not be much help, but can she at least make you a few cups of tea and bring some ready made sandwiches from the fridge for a couple of days, then after surgery you can stay on settee with tv on and magazines, only getting up to go to the loo. So difficult for you xx

Xiaoxiong · 25/10/2020 06:17

Can't we all?

I mean - there's selfish, and there's so completely inconsiderately selfish that the scales fall from your eyes and all love and respect immediately shrivels away.

He is being unbelievably cruel. I agree with pps, tell every single person you know, reach out for help and accept it when it comes. The shock and revulsion of the community against a man who would abandon his wife rather that care for her through cancer needs to rain down on his head.

I think you will look back at this moment in years to come with relief that you are well shot of him. Just so completely shit that it has hit now at the same time as everything else - hugs and I hope everyone around you will step up - I would if I were your friend, and feed your cats too even though I am allergic Thanks

OzziePopPop · 25/10/2020 06:18

Very very weird overreaction by him!

Sorry op and good luck with the surgery 💐💐💐

Amammi · 25/10/2020 06:18

Op your husband is of course being totally unreasonable. Both in his attitude toward his family and also to go on a walking holiday whilst a highly infectious disease is ripping around the country. Tbh I would not let him back into the house once he goes as he could pick covid up in any of the places he will be staying and bring it back with him. You will be run down and could be very sick if you caught covid post op. It will be self isolation for him for at least a week minimum after his walking around in case he is asymptomatic. I have had the surgery you will be having on my arm. it will be 24-48 hours of post op recovery at home where you will feel flattened and just want your bed and you will not be up for much for about a week all told but you will be able to manage your self care and painkillers will be needed. Don’t know if you have a sister or another adult who could come if not just ask your eldest to come home for the few days until your stronger. Who knows maybe all that bad energy off him was affecting your youngest and her own condition will improve once he goes. Mind yourself your doctor is fantastic giving up his break to make sure you get this surgery. Make sure you grab hold of this wonderful opportunity and see this as the beginning of a happier chapter in your life xx

BitOfFun · 25/10/2020 06:28

I think that physically, you won't need a lot of help, and that painkillers will be enough in terms of care (assuming you are undergoing the procedure under local anaesthetic, as you suspect). It's the sense of not being cared about rather than for, when you have cancer, which is the most important thing here.

Sexnotgender · 25/10/2020 06:30

@Bruce123

Well...I told him how I felt and that he should step up and stop pressurising DD. He wants a divorce and is sleeping downstairs tonight.
Shit I’m sorry. How are you feeling?

What a dick.

FippertyGibbett · 25/10/2020 06:33

A lady I know had the same op several weeks ago and she didn’t have to sit down all day. She was able to make a cup of tea and cook a simple meal. What would you do if you lived alone ?
Let him go and stock your fridge/cupboards before the op.

BitOfFun · 25/10/2020 06:35

And then divorce him.

Italianmoma1983 · 25/10/2020 06:37

What a dick that man is !

Shoxfordian · 25/10/2020 06:44

He's a selfish knob
You'll be much better off without him

Takeoutyourhen · 25/10/2020 06:55

@Bruce123
All the best for the surgery. I just went through this a couple of days ago but it was on my face and skin flap surgery rather than a graft. Yesterday I had a reaction to the local anaesthetic (I had loads of injections) and spent most of the day being sick, unable to keep food down. I really hope this doesn’t happen to you.
I’ve got my OH with me who has been so hands on and helpful, I would not be coping so well without him. He told me that he’s been on the verge of having a little cry because it’s upset him so much to see my like this, and as he works away from tomorrow he’s got to leave which is upsetting him too.
If your husband is not providing you with any modicum of support and threatening divorce then I would get in there first with unreasonable behaviour sharpish. Skin cancer removal is still cancer, the treatments may vary and the outcomes can vary but it is still cancer and you will be under the skin cancer team care for at least a year. Don’t underplay it. I’ve been told to prepare for emotions knocking my sideways out of nowhere by the skin cancer specialist nurse.
The best outcome is that it will be removed and that’s that, just healing ahead and taking care of yourself, body and mind. I’m only a few days ahead of you in terms of surgery, you can do it.

Original poster
Bruce123 · 25/10/2020 06:56

Not feeling brilliant but the messages of support make me feel stronger about the situation.

OP posts:
Takeoutyourhen · 25/10/2020 07:00

@Bruce123 💐

ChazP · 25/10/2020 07:00

@FippertyGibbett

A lady I know had the same op several weeks ago and she didn’t have to sit down all day. She was able to make a cup of tea and cook a simple meal. What would you do if you lived alone ? Let him go and stock your fridge/cupboards before the op.
Your friend had the same operation in exactly the same location, did she? You can’t possibly know why the medical advice OP has received differs from your friend’s. And let’s not forget the emotional toll of surgery to remove a cancerous growth. My mum had malignant melanoma and every operation was as emotionally gruelling as it was physically.

Oh, and she doesn’t live alone. She lives with a man that promised to be with her in sickness as well as health, but can’t be arsed to cancel a walking holiday to be with her.

Chaotic45 · 25/10/2020 07:04

OP I'm so sorry that your husband is acting in this way.

It is totally unacceptable. Any decent spouse would not dream of leaving their wife or husband to cope alone and swan off on holiday. A selfish one might feel annoyed about it- but only an utterly awful one would refuse to do it.

Please go over to the relationships board where you will find support and great advice as you move through this horrid situation.

Having a husband like yours is horrible- both for you and your DC. I hope this is the first step towards a better life for you.

CottonSock · 25/10/2020 07:06

I'm so sorry he made this even worse. I hope maybe you can speak to your daughters about how serious this is now, and that you'll have to help each other. I would be disappointed in my 15yo too.

Dashel · 25/10/2020 07:14

I’m sorry about the cancer and that your husband is such a selfish useless cock.

Firstly get your cat used to eating higher up so you won’t need to bend down and order an automatic cat food opener. Ours has two separately timed boxes so if the absolute worst happens you can feed the cat without worrying . We leave ours overnight occasionally with her locked in the house with a big bowl of water, dry food and the two openings of wet food and a litter tray and she is ok.

Secondly if you are up to it then batch cook and freeze some meals so you have healthy recovery meals that just need microwaving and that DD can cook herself. You could buy a kettle for upstairs with some bottled water for hot drinks and some breakfast bars, snacks etc.

You shouldn’t have to do this and I’m sorry that it sounds like you do. I would prepare as much as possible with lots of food in the house and books to read.

I would ask Your husband to go as soon as possible as if he can’t support you through cancer and the bad times then what use is he? I would also be very honest about the reasons you split up. He sounds like a useless and selfish waste of space. You are allowed to have help for medical reasons so if you have family or friends that you can ask to pop in then I would and tell them why.

Sexnotgender · 25/10/2020 07:27

@Bruce123

Not feeling brilliant but the messages of support make me feel stronger about the situation.
Might be worth starting a new thread in relationships, or getting this one moved. Help you plan your next move Flowers
MoonJelly · 25/10/2020 07:30

Have there been instances in the past when he has been ill or injured and you have supported him? If so, is he now suggesting that was unnecessary and he'd have been happy to be left to fend for himself?

thecognoscenti · 25/10/2020 07:39

Hey OP - it may feel awful and overwhelming but you're so much better off without him. You sound great, he sounds horrible x