Am I being unreasonable to expect husband to cancel his holiday?

[Bruce123]

Hi
I have had a melanoma in situ removed from my leg and need further surgery to ensure the margins are big enough and a skin graft to cover the hole. Date of surgery clashes with husbands’ walking trip away with his mate. He postponed once due to Covid and had to rearrange from Wales to Cotswolds because of lockdown restrictions. I can’t postpone surgery because surgeon is coming off his holidays to clear his backlog. I am not supposed to walk and keep the leg elevated for the first few days after surgery. Am reliant on 15 year old (anorexic) daughter who is stropping/ refusing to offer get up before midday to feed cats/ make me breakfast.

Am I being unreasonable in asking my husband to consider postponing his holiday? He is saying he won’t do so. Am feeling very hurt as this whole marriage ceremony, I am sure, mentioned something about in sickness and in health...

Wow what a jerk. Sounds like you and your DD are going to be better off without him.

Having been anorexic as a teenager, you have my sympathies. I was horrid to live with. But a lot of it came out of having a controlling and manipulate parent. Sounds like your “DH” might fit that bill too.

I hope you find the support you need and your DD continues to pull through.

Op, I am so so sorry for what you are going through. Your h is a cruel jerk. As he is not going to cancel may I make/ repeat some practical things.
Don't assume your daughter wouldn't step up to the plate if needed. She may surprise you.

See if you can get your hands on a lightweight wheelchair (Argos etc). This might make it easier to go to the loo etc for the first couple of days.

See if your older daughter can work remotely for Uni for a couple of days?

Have you friends/family nearby who would help. Set up a whats app group and ask for help.

Order a few days worth of meals from a meal delivery service. These only have to be reheated.

Are there any pet walkers locally, some here will pop in and feed your pets?

See if you can get a carer to pop in? I have no idea how to do it in the UK. I guess your local healthcentre could advise.

I would download a scanner app on your phone and copy all bank/insurance policies etc. If your husband is serious about divorcing these could come in handy in future.

I agree with everyone else - he should of course be cancelling his holiday.

H left me for a jolly when I was seriously ill. I've never really forgiven him, and will be considering just how much I'm prepared to do for him in future.

There is literally no reason why the only possible human that could help op after surgery is her DH. Other humans exist, and they could provide exactly the same level of help for a couple of days.

There is a very strong reason why the first human being to step up the plate should the her dh and that is that he has literally stood in front of a priest or a registrar, and quite possible a whole load of other people too, and promised out loud that he would be that person.

The neighbours have made no such promises. Their friends have made no such promises. The husband has: that was what made him a husband.

Other things can you set up little boxes in the rooms that you will do most of your recovery in. Have things like tissues/painkillers/bottled waters/ snacks/pen/paper/ spare batteries for remote etc in them. Have blankets in the room. Even consider buying a travel kettle and having it in the sitting room or bedroom.

So sorry your having to think about setting up these things before you go for surgery but even if you cruel husband changes his stance and does cancel he will only do the bare minimum in terms of looking after you

He’s trying to bully you

Tell him divorce is on, that he can buy you out of the house and dd can stay with him in the house.

Then at least you have the space to be kind to yourself, and won’t be at the mercy of selfish people.

I’m so sad for you, what a complete betrayal of you by h and d2.

@NailsNeedDoing

It’s not whether anyone else could help her, it’s whether anyone should.

Why? Where’s the harm in a friend or family member helping out? You are assuming that all relationships are perfect and that everything else stops being important because of the date of one outpatient appointment.

Your complete refusal to even try and open your mind to reasons why this trip might be important enough to the DH that he can recognise that it’s really not all that terrible for someone else to pick OP up from hospital and be around for a couple of days, comes across as very selfish and small minded.

You are assuming that there is a friend or family member who can help out.

The OP has already discovered 2 that don't give a toss.

I can understand why he feels dismissed when its just assumed that he will give up something important to him without even trying to find an alternative, and it would make me feel like getting divorced too.

Nails I take your point that other people could perhaps be asked to help out - but I find it striking that you think it is the OP’s job to ask them, not the husband’s job to look for an alternative that will allow him to go on holiday (which is totally optional in a way that surgery is not).

Her husband, if he wants to leave his post-op wife alone with an anorexic teen, should be looking fir ways to make that comfortable and possible.

Not putting the onus on his wife to do that.

It sounds like the whole family is used to Mum being the one who is accommodating, not accommodated.

@MzHz

He’s trying to bully you

Tell him divorce is on, that he can buy you out of the house and dd can stay with him in the house.

Then at least you have the space to be kind to yourself, and won’t be at the mercy of selfish people.

I’m so sad for you, what a complete betrayal of you by h and d2.

Wtf her dd is 15. A minor and vulnerable child! Who’s to say that her illness isn’t in part triggered by her father being an inconsiderate prick.

It sounds like the whole family is used to Mum being the one who is accommodating, not accommodated.

THIS.

Don't for a moment suppose if it was the dh having an operation that he would expect to be the one finding alternative arrangements so mum could be off on her hols without any worries.

And the fact that a mentally ill 15yo is supposed to have at least equal caring duties to a healthy (as far as we know) adult male just shows the sexism still around.

Would people have felt the same if a mentally ill, recently hospitalised 15yo boy had been the only other person in the house? Or even a healthy 15yo boy?

As the parent to an anorexic child I really do wish people on this thread would stop demonising the 15yr old here and lumping her in with the selfish husband. Anorexia is a horrible mental illness, which has a high fatality rate. The daughter may be able to feed the cats etc on a good day, but I wouldn't be relying on a teen with anorexia to have a string of good days. The OP should be able to rely on her husband - he has let her down badly.

I agree with this, I'm sure dd can be a selfish arse many teenagers are at times.
But she is also a child with a significant mental health issue.

DH is an adult, a husband and has no additional issues that have been identified

@AnneElliott

I agree with everyone else - he should of course be cancelling his holiday.

H left me for a jolly when I was seriously ill. I've never really forgiven him, and will be considering just how much I'm prepared to do for him in future.

Good for you.

If my husband did that it would be a serious re evaluation of the relationship and an even more serious readjustment of priorities.

There are far too many men out there that don't "do" anyone being ill other than themselves.

Right back at them is the way to deal with it.
Ruthlessly.

Op, how are you today?

I would simply ask him, if this was the other way around and you was going into surgery, what you want me to do? Bet he would want the full on nurse attendance when he got home. But I doubt he would admit that if you ask him as it makes him look and are for going away

What a vile man.
I do hope he trips over something whilst on holiday and breaks a limb. Or gets bitten by a cow.
for you, OP

@corythatwas

And the fact that a mentally ill 15yo is supposed to have at least equal caring duties to a healthy (as far as we know) adult male just shows the sexism still around.

Would people have felt the same if a mentally ill, recently hospitalised 15yo boy had been the only other person in the house? Or even a healthy 15yo boy?

What utter tripe

I would be absolutely livid if my ds didn’t help me if I needed it! The situations would be absolutely the same.

Why shriek sexism where actually there is none. There are 2 people who could help someone who needs it, but neither wants to.

I get that there is a mh issue here, but even when I was at deaths door with my own issues, I still managed to care for others and in fact it helped me to do so, takes the focus off my own issues.

Let’s also think about the fact that the person who needs help here now is the person who has done her fair share of caring for others as wife/mother and the one time she needs it... it’s fucking tumbleweed city.

Appalling.

Honestly this would break my heart even I had to ask and argue over it with my other half. I know with out a doubt I wouldn’t need to ask.

I don,t think Anorexia means one can,t at least feed the cats. People with Anorexia hold down jobs.

I'm sorry OP. Do reach out to wider family and friends to tell them what you are going through. You will feel very vulnerable with him leaving you in the lurch.Tell your dds. Hopefully they or his friends will give him hell.

I would not be expecting my 15 year old daughter, with or without anorexia, to be put in the position of having to care for me, post-op, when I had an adult husband who was more than able, and should have been more than willing, to look after me.

I think if my husband gave me the sort of attitude this 'man' has given his wife, I'd be telling him to hit the fucking road jack, and remember the rest of the line of that song, because it applies here too.

Any love or respect I had for him would be killed stone dead. I'd be contacting lawyers, and making bloody sure he knew he was on his own now - I'd be doing nothing for him from here on in. Including pissing on him if he were on fire. So he might miss a holiday that had had to be postponed once? BIG FUCKING DEAL! People have missed out on a hell of a lot more than that this year! Hell, my kids dealt with not going back to our home country for the first time in two years, to see all their friends and family with better grace than this utter pillock, as well as missing out on their school trips to Berlin and Spain!

I can understand why he feels dismissed when its just assumed that he will give up something important to him without even trying to find an alternative, and it would make me feel like getting divorced too

It's a walking trip, for goodness sake. Something he could do at literally any time. It pales into utter significance beside the fact that his wife is due to have significant surgery requiring a skin graft after which she is required not to walk for at least a couple of days - particularly when you take into account the fact that she has to have that surgery because she has a very dangerous cancer.

Seriously, @NailsNeedDoing, if your partner were in OP's situation, would you contemplate for one moment not postponing your walking trip? If it were me, I couldn't enjoy the walking trip anyway knowing my partner was ill, in pain and in need of help, no matter how good an alternative we might have arranged.

My dad fucked off with OW when I was about same age as ops dd. Me and my little sister were there for my absolutely heart broken mum, we fed her, looked after her.

I’d move a microwave, kettle and loads of water etc in my room with ready meals and fuck them all tbh. If not forget this if I was the op here

@Bruce123 could a friend come and stay? You need someone who can care for you

So... after a night of sulking and threats of divorce. DH rang his friend who, while disappointed, was only to happy to postpone the walking trip and came back immediately with some Alternative dates in 3 weeks time.

So while this weekend hasn’t been pleasant i am judging DH on his actions “He is showing you who he is. Believe him”

And he’s not going to be caring for me with a bad grace. It seems genuine. I have rung his friend ( who I know well) and thanked him for his flexibility and apologised for being the cause of the postponement. He was only to happy to help, obviously disappointed but “I’m an adult and last time I looked adults didn’t die of disappointment!” So happy to support my DH and me.

No divorce on the horizon. Just two people staring into the abyss and not liking what they saw. Daughters informed that all is sweetness and light.