Am I being unreasonable to expect husband to cancel his holiday?

[Bruce123]

Hi
I have had a melanoma in situ removed from my leg and need further surgery to ensure the margins are big enough and a skin graft to cover the hole. Date of surgery clashes with husbands’ walking trip away with his mate. He postponed once due to Covid and had to rearrange from Wales to Cotswolds because of lockdown restrictions. I can’t postpone surgery because surgeon is coming off his holidays to clear his backlog. I am not supposed to walk and keep the leg elevated for the first few days after surgery. Am reliant on 15 year old (anorexic) daughter who is stropping/ refusing to offer get up before midday to feed cats/ make me breakfast.

Am I being unreasonable in asking my husband to consider postponing his holiday? He is saying he won’t do so. Am feeling very hurt as this whole marriage ceremony, I am sure, mentioned something about in sickness and in health...

@Bruce123 just read this and wanted to reiterate what a pp said about asking a friend or even acquaintance for help as I’d do this willingly for someone stuck!

Or a care/nursing agency, depending on finances.

As soon as I read your op it rang bells for me and I think it’s probably better you’ve been forced to see his true colours, painful as it is.

What a lot you have to deal with. Respect for having remained sane! Really hope your op goes well.

Oh, and seek legal advice on Monday. Just so you know what your rights are.

[quote NailsNeedDoing]@Friendsoftheearth, no, I think the way you’re talking about this one particular part of the treatment is over dramatised. You are missing the point. There is literally no reason why the only possible human that could help op after surgery is her DH. Other humans exist, and they could provide exactly the same level of help for a couple of days. But they’d need to be asked, and for that to happen, OP would need to acknowledge that something important was due to be happening for the DH on that day too. Everyone seems very reluctant to do that for some reason though.[/quote]
The point is he’s her husband, she’s got melanoma, it’s a walking trip, and in terms of priorities his priority should be her, not walking around with his mate. It’s not whether anyone else could help her, it’s whether anyone should. More than that, as her husband, he should fucking WANT to; he shouldn’t even need to be asked.

Man alive, what the hell is WRONG with you?!

Obviously his wife having cancer is important, but it doesn’t need to be over dramatised.

Gosh.

minor day case surgery

But it isn't minor. It's a second procedure to ensure that a cancer described as the rarest but most serious type of skin cancer is excised when the original surgery did not remove all traces of spread, removal of donor skin from another area and then placed over the excised area, which has already been decided to be too large an area for it to heal without a graft.

Got this from FIL's hospital website ' If it is on one or both of your legs, then we encourage limited mobility for usually for 2 days, or until the skin graft is secure enough for walking. This means you can transfer from bed to chair only and avoiding putting any weight through the grafted leg.'

In addition to the information from FIL's hospital, a neighbour had surgery for MM a couple of years ago on his arm. The excised area covered his entire forearm and halfway up to his shoulder. For one mole the size of a quartered petit pois. I'm not suggesting that this is the case for the OP, but it is most certainly not a minor flesh wound.

Your DH and your DD are both selfish.

It sees they expect that you are the family support person, but that this is not reciprocal. Your DD, at 15, is old enough to help you for a few days; your DH, as your life-partner, should be there, and should be having strong words with his daughter ...

Sympathies.

It’s not whether anyone else could help her, it’s whether anyone should.

Why? Where’s the harm in a friend or family member helping out? You are assuming that all relationships are perfect and that everything else stops being important because of the date of one outpatient appointment.

Your complete refusal to even try and open your mind to reasons why this trip might be important enough to the DH that he can recognise that it’s really not all that terrible for someone else to pick OP up from hospital and be around for a couple of days, comes across as very selfish and small minded.

comes across as very selfish and small minded.

cough
cough
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YANBU

So sorry OP.

What an awful man.

I think you need to view this as a gift of seeing exactly who he is.

Start looking after yourself and take his holiday as an opportunity to move forward.

What a selfish prick. I think you would be better off without him, but I know that doesn't help your current predicament.

He's made it clear that his walking holiday is more important than his wife or his marriage. Is it worth asking DD again? I know she shouldn't be put in that position but if it's only for a short while she should be able to manage and help.

If it is on one or both of your legs, then we encourage limited mobility for usually for 2 days, or until the skin graft is secure enough for walking. This means you can transfer from bed to chair only and avoiding putting any weight through the grafted leg.

The OP is going to be bedridden. She will not be able to access food and may not be able to go to the toilet without help. She will be dependent not only on a neighbour popping in from time to time but on a responsible adult actually being in the house, not least at night.

Of course it is possible that the dh is suicidal and his life will be at risk if he doesn't get this particular holiday at this particular time. Whe have not, however, heard a scrap of evidence about that: it is pure conjecture on the part of certain MNers. The OP, as far as I can see, doesn't mention any MH issues affecting anyone other than the 15yo dd who has recently been hospitalised with MH issues- and she is the one they expect to pick up the slack!

@NailsNeedDoing what possible reason could there be that his walking holiday is more important?

oops just read all your posts.

Huge sympathies OP

And strength to you. You must feel like you've been hit sideways. xx

Caring for a 15yo with MH issues is hard, hard, hard. Even when they're not at the acute hospital stage. If anyone needs a holiday, it's probably the OP.

OP, do make sure his friend knows. If he is an even remotely decent person, he's going to feel awful if he finds out afterwards.

nails what is the fucking point of even having a husband if you can't rely on that one human being to help you through surgery and cancer?!! What is the point in op even bothering to be married and to be committed to someone that cares so little for her??????

He should be dropping the holiday without a word, and should be by her side helping her through this emotionally and physically. Of course there are plenty of 'humans' that can help her, but she is not married to any of them is she!!!!!

I think you are being goady, and it is in pretty poor fucking taste to someone dealing with cancer. Shame on you.

They must have changed the marriage vows lately. In my day, both partners had to promise to cherish each other in sickness and health.
These days, looks like there's a specific vow for the male half: "to be cherished by my wife, in sickness and health, with any other female relatives or neighbours pitching in as required".

Bloody hell, what a nasty piece of work he is! I know you're going to struggle after the op but blimey, in the long run you'll be much better off without him. Selfish arse

Honestly, I would be absolutely gutted if my DP even thought about going on a trip after I'd had surgery. I would never leave him if it was the other way round. Fuck me, if he's got so much as a bad cold I make sure I take care of him, never mind bloody surgery!

@Bruce123, i am so sorry this is happening to you, and that you are being so badly let down by someone who is meant to put you first.

He SHOULD be putting you first, but hes made it clear that he won't, so have you got anyone else who can help? Friends, family, neighbours? Can DD18 delay her return to uni for a couple of days, just to help out?

PS my DD was hospitalised due to MH last year, i know how emotionally horrible it is. Please try and take care of yourself, now more than ever.

@NailsNeedDoing Oh sure, there's a better reason for a walking trip to happen vs getting a tumor surgically removed entirely before it metastasizes into the lymph nodes and bones! You need to get off MN and go looking for your brain

@FippertyGibbett You do realize that person you mentioned in your post is a completely different scenario if it's a different human being? We aren't all clones we are individuals-every patient is unique-their reaction to anesthesia and pain medication is unique. You cannot compare. If she was single?!!! Did you think before you posted that? She'd have friends or family care for her wouldn't she? She's MARRIED,she shouldn't be doing this on her own!

He sounds like a git but I imagine this must be such a shock for you OP. Do you have any relatives nearby who you could stay with for a week or so after surgery?

nails I hope you're a troll because anyone who seriously thinks like you do has some serious lack of critical thinking skills. Imo, and everyone else's except you and the H, someone having cancer surgery needs to be prioritised before someone going on a walking holiday. The fact you can't see this is very alarming. Do you subscribe to the Surrendered Wives rulebook, perchance?

Bruce I'm so sorry that you're going through such a nightmare. Do you have anyone in RL to talk this through with? I'd be worrying that you may feel overwhelmed with it all and talking it through can help you put your thoughts in order. Otherwise, use this forum as much as you need to too. However, I would recommend a new thread in Relationships where you'll find some awesome folks who really know their stuff.

I'm going to leave you with a trite little saying that has helped me during the worst of times. "It will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, then it's not the end". I know that might well make some people's teeth itch as we're all so different. We don't know you but maybe posters can help you find the little things that work for you. You've on one heck of a rollercoaster but day by day, you will feel clearer and stronger. Just need to get through
Sending unmumsnetty hugs.