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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to expect husband to cancel his holiday?

363 replies

Bruce123 · 24/10/2020 18:06

Hi
I have had a melanoma in situ removed from my leg and need further surgery to ensure the margins are big enough and a skin graft to cover the hole. Date of surgery clashes with husbands’ walking trip away with his mate. He postponed once due to Covid and had to rearrange from Wales to Cotswolds because of lockdown restrictions. I can’t postpone surgery because surgeon is coming off his holidays to clear his backlog. I am not supposed to walk and keep the leg elevated for the first few days after surgery. Am reliant on 15 year old (anorexic) daughter who is stropping/ refusing to offer get up before midday to feed cats/ make me breakfast.

Am I being unreasonable in asking my husband to consider postponing his holiday? He is saying he won’t do so. Am feeling very hurt as this whole marriage ceremony, I am sure, mentioned something about in sickness and in health...

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 25/10/2020 08:40

Can you ask a friend to help feed the cats or a cat sitter to pop in first thing if dd refuses to help in the morning?

The man can fuck off

Tistheseason17 · 25/10/2020 08:45

I am gobsmacked at his behaviour. Appalling.
Good job you found out now. You can have the op, get well and move on to a better version of your life without him.

bluebluezoo · 25/10/2020 08:46

I’d let him go.

On condition he arranges paid help for you and your daughter.

Cleaner, pet sitter, general carer to prepare meals and any other help you may need.

Best of both worlds. Get his grumpy arse out if your hair and you get some proper help. My dh would stay but honestly a professional team would do a better job and make my life easier...

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 25/10/2020 08:47

@KarmaNoMore

I think so many people with sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies are getting away with a label of aspergers. Lack of empathy and moral compass teamed with narcissism is not a sign of aspergers. Sorry.
Or he could just be a massive cock.

I hope you come up with a solution and the op goes well.

Piwlyfbicsly · 25/10/2020 08:48

Is there a backstory? I can't believe anyone could be so cruel to their family. It would be a no brainer for me to cancel my holiday to support my family member through such hard times.

Meuniere · 25/10/2020 08:55

@Bruce123, if he is saying he wants a divorce because ONCE you asked to change his plans to care for you because you are unwell.... then I think there are only a few possibilities

  • he is bluffing hoping you’ll backtrack and agree to his trip
  • he has wanted to get divorced for a while. The opportunity just presented.
  • he is an utter twat. Someone you shouod never want in your life. And a toddler who has a tantrum when he doesn’t what he wants.

I’m leaning towards the last one because you were worried initially of his reaction and thought he would make your life a misery if he had to stay. Plus it also looks like you have pandering to his every wish for a very long time.
On thé plus side, your situation isn’t actually worse than him going away. I would plan something with your two dds so that there is someone to help you after the surgery.
Whatever you do after (and how to deal with him ) is another issue. But I would suggest a visit to it or ASAP (and if possible well before your surgery)

Friendsoftheearth · 25/10/2020 08:57

Even if you could deal with his utter failings as a husband there is absolutely no excuse to abandon his dd already dealing with a very serious illness herself - and she is no doubt extremely worried about you - even if she does not show it. He is an utter failure of a father as well.

When this is all over, and you have come out of the other side you will be all the stronger for it, trust me, these challenges and hardships will build your resilience and kicking him out of our life will be a walk in the park after this. You can go on and have a better life op.

WizardOfAus · 25/10/2020 09:02

I can't believe anyone could be so cruel to their family.

Then you haven’t read about the high number of men who leave their wives when they get cancer:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer

My best friend is an oncology nurse and says it’s not uncommon for husbands to leave their wives when they have cancer. One of her patients returned home from having chemo to discover a note on the kitchen table. It was from her husband saying he’d left as he couldn’t cope/was overwhelmed by having a wife who was ill.

Gitfeatures · 25/10/2020 09:10

YANB both you and your daughter needs support. Anorexia is an ugly, fatal disease.

It is, but the OP has confirmed that she is not on the verge of death, and even being a low weight doesn't prevent you from feeding the cat or making your mother a cup of tea.

The onus is absolutely on your husband to step up, but given that he's a useless lump, it's not beyond the realm of possibility thought for a 15 year old to get up before midday for the sake of a week.

SinkGirl · 25/10/2020 09:28

Sending hugs to you OP.

I’ve had 8 surgeries, 5 as day cases and I was in a great deal of pain, reliant on morphine and needed help for the first few days for all of them. Something being a day case doesn’t mean you’re not going to be in pain afterwards or have struggles getting around, just that there’s no medical reason to keep someone in. That’s just how the NHS is these days.

Do you have any friends you could ask? If any of my friends - even those I’m not especially close to - were in this situation I’d be there like a shot. My DH would take time off to take care of our twins while I helped someone in this situation, so the fact that yours wouldn’t postpone a bloody walking holiday tells you everything you need to know about him.

bluebluezoo · 25/10/2020 09:29

*It is, but the OP has confirmed that she is not on the verge of death, and even being a low weight doesn't prevent you from feeding the cat or making your mother a cup of tea.

The onus is absolutely on your husband to step up, but given that he's a useless lump, it's not beyond the realm of possibility thought for a 15 year old to get up before midday for the sake of a week*

Anorexia is an awful disease. It turns people into frankly horrible individuals. They are completely self obsessed, and can’t see past food and eating/not eating.

Even if this child is not at deaths door, it is likely she is near impossible to reason with or deal with at all. Getting her to do food related tasks like feeding a cat and making cups of tea could be hugely triggering.

Anorexics are not nice people. It’s the disease, but she will think she’s behaving reaonably.

wheretonow123 · 25/10/2020 09:34

I assume that you are probably age late forties / into fifties and married approx 20 years and that is similar to me and my wife - we are slightly older.

I was going to respond saying that you were not at all unreasonable in your request and that it be postponed. However, I see the update and it looks like his refusal is a sympthom of bigger problem and he must have been thinking of splitting with you and therefore was not prepared to do anything for you.

The other possibility is that he suddenly decided to look for a divorce when you questioned him on his refusal to cancel the holiday - that is too bizarre and incredible an idea to think about seriously.

On a practical sense can your daughter that is at UNI stay at home and attend remotely and assist you along with the younger daughter? One of the effects of cv-19 is the provision for many college courses to be attended remotely.

Best of luck - it looks like you will need it in the next few weeks. Are any of your own family / friends nearby. It looks like you will need some more support.

NailsNeedDoing · 25/10/2020 09:58

@Bruce123

Yes, there have been occasions when I supported him. And he said “And I asked you not to bother rearranging your meetings to pick me up after the surgery- it was only minor”
Then that tell you how he sees it, it doesn’t make him a complete arsehole, he just sees minor day case surgery as something that can be accommodated without cancelling holidays. It’s not personal against you, he would expect the same for himself.

I realise how much my earlier post was jumped on and disagreed with, but I stand by it. I completely disagree with your automatic assumption that he should cancel his trip when you haven’t even asked anyone else if they could help you. This trip is clearly important to him, surely anyone could understand why he’d be disappointed that out of all the days, this surgery falls on one that he’s due to be away. I can understand why he feels dismissed when its just assumed that he will give up something important to him without even trying to find an alternative, and it would make me feel like getting divorced too. Of course the surgery is important, but it’s not the only thing that’s important, and behaving as if it is because it’s medical does no one any favours.

corythatwas · 25/10/2020 09:59

Gitfeatures anorexia isn't just being a low weight- it is a mental illness that can seriously affect your behaviour and how you deal with stress.

I have dealt with a mentally ill teenager (generalised anxiety plus incipient anorexia which never developed fully). She was a lovely person, but I did have to accept that she could not be relied in a crisis while she was ill. Mental illness is more than its physical symptoms.

NameChange2PostThis · 25/10/2020 10:04

@Bruce123 you poor thing. Your husband sounds cruel and abusive. I suspect this split is a long time coming. I suspect you have reduced your expectations of him over time but now you need him to do this one (small but important) thing and he has reacted with a threat of divorce. You know this isn’t normal. You know this isn’t kind. You know this is not what you expected when you got married. I’m sorry but it sounds like the marriage has been over for a while. Doesn’t stop it being painful Flowers

In the short term, I suggest you look on places like Facebook or via local care agencies and ask around for a carer who can come into your home when you are back from hospital. Tell your husband to go on his damn holiday, and suggest he arranges somewhere else to live when he gets back. I suspect both you and your DDs will feel better about life without this loser living with you. Good luck.

corythatwas · 25/10/2020 10:07

NailsNeedDoing surely the difference is that the dh's surgery was minor if he didn't even need picking up afterwards, but the OPs surgery is going to involve a far higher degree of helplessness if she is not supposed to walk?

I told dh not to pick me up after I had my wisdom tooth out, that had absolutely zero relevance to my needs when I had a cyst removed from my armpit.

Wouldn't surprise me at all if the hospital won't even release the OP if there's no responsible person around to take her home. They wouldn't when I had my armpit done. They wouldn't even let my 13yo son take me home in a taxi though I kept assuring them he'd be fine.

Friendsoftheearth · 25/10/2020 10:15

nails

This trip is clearly important to him

And you would imagine that his wife having cancer might also be important to him! Not to mention his daughter with anorexia.

It is a walking trip ffs, he has all the time in the world to go again and again. I can't actually believe anyone would consider this more important than the health of his wife and child. It just goes to show what kind of people there in the world. Lets hope you don't find yourself in the same position one day Nails

marveloustimeruiningeverything · 25/10/2020 10:15

I'd tell his walking friend what has gone down. Just because.

And I think the divorce will be good for you in the long run. He sounds like an selfish arse who doesn't give a damn about you.

ShebaShimmyShake · 25/10/2020 10:16

I completely disagree with your automatic assumption that he should cancel his trip when you haven’t even asked anyone else if they could help you.

Why bother having a committed life partner at all? You can always ask someone else to help you!

NailsNeedDoing · 25/10/2020 10:23

@Friendsoftheearth

nails

This trip is clearly important to him

And you would imagine that his wife having cancer might also be important to him! Not to mention his daughter with anorexia.

It is a walking trip ffs, he has all the time in the world to go again and again. I can't actually believe anyone would consider this more important than the health of his wife and child. It just goes to show what kind of people there in the world. Lets hope you don't find yourself in the same position one day Nails

Obviously his wife having cancer is important, but it doesn’t need to be over dramatised.

We have very few details here, we don’t know why this trip is so important to the DH, maybe he feels he needs it for his MH, maybe his friend has a reason to need his support. Either way, it’s unreasonable for OP to believe that her DH should automatically cancel his trip before other options have even been looked at. Obviously if there are no other options then the DH needs to be around, but to not even try and save his trip is not very nice imo.

PatriciaPerch · 25/10/2020 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Friendsoftheearth · 25/10/2020 10:34

Obviously his wife having cancer is important, but it doesn’t need to be over dramatised

You think having cancer and asking for help after surgery is being over dramatised.

Seriously, I have no words.
If you actually believe this, and you are not posting for fun then you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

Jaxhog · 25/10/2020 10:37

I'd invite a friend to stay. And change the locks before DH got back.

missbipolar · 25/10/2020 10:39

He absolutely should cancel- and still cover his costs so that the friend isn't out of pocket. He sounds like a wanker. I'd be leaving regardless what he does now

NailsNeedDoing · 25/10/2020 10:40

@Friendsoftheearth, no, I think the way you’re talking about this one particular part of the treatment is over dramatised. You are missing the point. There is literally no reason why the only possible human that could help op after surgery is her DH. Other humans exist, and they could provide exactly the same level of help for a couple of days. But they’d need to be asked, and for that to happen, OP would need to acknowledge that something important was due to be happening for the DH on that day too. Everyone seems very reluctant to do that for some reason though.

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