Family Christmas conundrum

[UnaCorda]

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

@Noitjustwontdo

I think the rule of six will still be in play at Christmas tbh and you’re in a tier 2 area so you shouldn’t be mixing with anyone outside of your household indoors. Sorry to be covid rule police but Christmas is going to be weird for many families this year. Your brother would be breaking the rules automatically just by visiting your parents because there’s seven of them. You’d be breaking the rules because you’re in a tier 2 area so you can’t mix with anyone else indoors.

Anyway, imagining the government changes the rules before Christmas. Your brother is being selfish, he has a large family of his own to spend it with whereas you’re alone. He should show some compassion. Failing to see why you can’t all just spend it together though, surely someone could kip on the sofa or you could invest in a blow up bed.

They can spend it together with the OP on the sofa, or in a hotel, or possibly staying with her sister who also goes.

The OP just doesn’t want to, she wants to go without her brother and his family there.

Even staying in a hotel is not really a solution as I would feel like a spare part; the extraneous maiden aunt (yes, I realise that's my issue), it would be expensive, and someone would have to shuttle me back and forth (there are no hotels near where my parents live).

Not your brother’s fault. You’re clear you won’t go if he does. Therefore he has no obligation to change his plans. I expect he is pretty pissed off his own sister refuses to see his family at Christmas. There comes a point where we have to deal with our issues and move past them.

I have some sympathy with the SIL, must be hard going to stay at the in laws with your 4 kids and knowing that the family dynamics are such that OP won’t attend if she’s there, or if she does would be frosty with her kids.

It’s always a bit awkward staying with in laws anyway without this on top. Perhaps she gives her kids lots of attention and/or talks about them a lot if she’s feeling a bit anxious.

I know my SIL was very upset when we had our kids. She came to visit us in hospital and was very upset saying it would never happen for her etc and diverting all the attention onto her. At that time she did a few things which made us feel uncomfortable , including one Christmas buying so many gifts for PIL it made us look very stingy (Perhaps I was just over sensitive because of our lack of money at the time though).

However, she was always lovely with our kids (and still is) and the kids love her even though we only meet up a couple of times a year. And things mellowed a lot over time.

OP, there is a bit of you that wants to kick your brother for having four kids and a nice ‘mother earth’ spouse. There is.

And fair enough but don’t do it through your parents at Christmas and pretend it is DB’s selfish fault. He is giving his children their Christmas with their grandparents and it really is time for you to understand that priority.

Sorry to be harsh. 2020 is crap. Go to a nearby BnB and suck up the family stuff with good grace. Or just accept that this was never going to be your year with your parents and it still isn’t going to be your year with your parents.

Your brother is being thoughtless. It sounds as though you aren’t close anyway, especially as you haven’t ever all gathered together for Christmas any other year.

I realize you replied to say sleeping on sofa etc wasn’t an option. I don’t think you’ve replied about whether a hotel/B&B/airbnb is an option. You said you not
ally go away when it’s not your year so could you use funds for that instead?

If 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that family and loved ones are so important. I currently live overseas away from mine and due to restrictions and quarantines, I can’t get home. My advice is to use this year and opportunity to show vulnerability with your famoly. Be honest and open - not to cause drama or a row, just calmly explain how you feel and reach out. Hopefully you can come to a understanding and all learn from the situation. Solution might be you all spending xmas together, or not. Either way you tried

Then go have the best bloody Christmas ever. We all deserve that.

@MonsterKidz

Your brother is being thoughtless. It sounds as though you aren’t close anyway, especially as you haven’t ever all gathered together for Christmas any other year.

I realize you replied to say sleeping on sofa etc wasn’t an option. I don’t think you’ve replied about whether a hotel/B&B/airbnb is an option. You said you not
ally go away when it’s not your year so could you use funds for that instead?

If 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that family and loved ones are so important. I currently live overseas away from mine and due to restrictions and quarantines, I can’t get home. My advice is to use this year and opportunity to show vulnerability with your famoly. Be honest and open - not to cause drama or a row, just calmly explain how you feel and reach out. Hopefully you can come to a understanding and all learn from the situation. Solution might be you all spending xmas together, or not. Either way you tried

Then go have the best bloody Christmas ever. We all deserve that.

She has replied about the hotel

Even staying in a hotel is not really a solution as I would feel like a spare part; the extraneous maiden aunt (yes, I realise that's my issue), it would be expensive, and someone would have to shuttle me back and forth (there are no hotels near where my parents live).

I suspect that op's mum has started this Mother Earth business to make her feel better about her brother having many kids. It's funny that she doesn't lift a finger but is Mother Earth. I may be misunderstanding what op means by the term but I would expect a Mother Earth type of mum to be busy constantly doing stuff because she wouldn't be relying on screens etc. Funny that your sister and brother who are also parents don't get the same judgement.

I'd also wonder if OP's mum was the martyr type who'd tell her son to relax but bitch about having to do so much to OP. The family will be aware that OP doesn't like her brother so criticizing the brother and not complimenting him will help keep them in OP's good books.

I suspect the truth is that she loves her son too but is tiptoeing around OP's feelings so downplaying it.

“Even staying in a hotel is not really a solution as I would feel like a spare part; the extraneous maiden aunt (yes, I realise that's my issue), it would be expensive, and someone would have to shuttle me back and forth (there are no hotels near where my parents live).”

Why couldn’t you shuttle yourself around OP?

@Watermelon999

“Even staying in a hotel is not really a solution as I would feel like a spare part; the extraneous maiden aunt (yes, I realise that's my issue), it would be expensive, and someone would have to shuttle me back and forth (there are no hotels near where my parents live).”

Why couldn’t you shuttle yourself around OP?

She can stay with her sister....

Her sister goes for Christmas every year and lives nearby.

There's a perfectly viable solution to the accommodation issue.

We've had a huge drip feed through the thread.

The upshot is that it's perfectly feasible for the OP to spend Christmas with her parents.

She just doesn't want to "share" them with her brother. Her brother isn't saying she can't come - no one is saying that.

She wants Christmas on her terms and is the only party who doesn't want to compromise even if it impacts 9 other people.

Assuming you all actually get on amd ypu dont expected to be hosred from the 23rd to 29th i really don't get why you and your parents can't stay in an airbnb or hotel nearby.

There is FA difference between 9 for Christmas and 10 your brother and wife are a bit mean sprited.

@UnaCorda

Op from this and other threads it’s really coming across as you have to have you’re own way 100% of the time and you’re extremely rigid. I think you need to learn to compromise, I know your life hasn’t gone the way you hoped but that’s not an excuse to dig your heels in and expect your own way all the time when there are other sensible options like sleeping on the couch, hotel, staying with your sister. If I was your brother I’d be so hurt that you wouldn’t even consider these options and still be insisting I didn’t come because my children are difficult for you to be around.

@SimplyRadishing - There is FA difference between 9 for Christmas and 10 your brother and wife are a bit mean sprited.

How are the brother and wife being mean spirited? They have no issue with op being there. She doesn't want to go if they are there and expects them not to go to facilitate that.

@SimplyRadishing

Assuming you all actually get on amd ypu dont expected to be hosred from the 23rd to 29th i really don't get why you and your parents can't stay in an airbnb or hotel nearby.

There is FA difference between 9 for Christmas and 10 your brother and wife are a bit mean sprited.

Why are they mean spirited? They're happy for the OP to be there as well. She's the one not wanting them to be there so she can be.

Wow, some people like to stick the knife in. I am not frosty to my brother's children. I travel quite a long distance to see them fairly often, I buy them nice presents, I help them practise the instrument I also play, I have tutored my niece for an exam and I otherwise generally engage with them. I don't always find it easy, but I do it. I also meet up with my brother one-to-one, even though I don't always find him easy to get on with. However I struggle with Christmas, my mental health is not great at the moment, and I really wanted to spend a few weeks with my parents to relax this year. I didn't hide the fact I could stay with my sister - it just isn't the same dynamic and I wouldn't go there for an extended period. Maybe I'm horribly selfish, but I'm probably looking at two months of solitude in the run-up to Christmas and had hoped that that could be taken into account with the arrangements this year. I have not made up my SIL's personality or anything else significant. So please, even if you think I'm the biggest cunt on the face of the earth and I've made up everything I've written, could you give it a rest now with the character annihilation.

Sorry this thread is making you feel worse OP - you could just hide it if you've had enough.

I can quite see why you want a couple of weeks with your parents. Would 2 weeks before Christmas work, or 2 weeks just after (say 27th onwards)?

You can still spend a few weeks with your parents to relax, surely? Your DB will presumably only be there for a few days?

What you hope for over Christmas itself, really does impact far too many people for it to be reasonable.

I didn't hide the fact I could stay with my sister - it just isn't the same dynamic and I wouldn't go there for an extended period.

You really did.

You didn't mention your sister at all until someone else mentioned a previous thread of yours. Until that point every implication was that your only choice was stay with your parents or be alone.

People can only answer with the information in front of them.

I hope you have a relaxed time whatever you end up choosing to do.

Go to your parents' for a few weeks. Move to your sisters for a couple of days over Christmas (to do your DB a favour so the family can stay) and then move back.

You can even feign illness in the day itself if you really can't face the full family Christmas Day.

But don't make out that everyone wants you to be alone at Christmas, because that's not what's happening here.

What people have pointed out is that you can do what you want. It’s just for a day or so you will have to do a compromise and share the space with your brothers family and sleep on the sofa or similar.

So you can do something very similar to what you what. Just not exactly what you want.

Only you can decide if the compromise is worth it

Why are you having 2 months of solitude OP? Out of interest.

I mean i guess it's something covid related by it doesn't seem like you or any of your family are shielding?

From the OP:

I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle

The only person who has stuck your parents in the middle, is you, OP. It's your request to 'steal' your brother's turn at spending Christmas with your parents, that has put them in this unenviable position.

Your OP is quite dishonestly worded, however much you claim otherwise.

I feel for OPs mum. How awful for one of your kids to refuse to be in the same house with the other for xmas and make you chose.

Sorry OP but ...

I'm not surprised that the mum is saying lots of stuff which doesn't add up. She's between a rock and a hard place.

@saraclara

From the OP:

I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle

The only person who has stuck your parents in the middle, is you, OP. It's your request to 'steal' your brother's turn at spending Christmas with your parents, that has put them in this unenviable position.

Your OP is quite dishonestly worded, however much you claim otherwise.

Ok, do you think you could just fucking drop it now? I clearly didn't start this thread from a place of happiness and you've made your point multiple times.

Of course you should be able to spend Christmas with your parents! How selfish of your brother. He has his own family to spend Christmas with, and you have your parents - everybody has dealt with a lot this year and I'm sure his kids are excited, but that doesn't mean they get what they want when it means you spending yet more time on your own at Christmas when you could be with your parents. I hope they back you up on this and let your brother know you're in more need right now. I am single too and I was saying to a friend earlier today I feel like my world has shrunk to my house this year - can't travel abroad, spending less time with friends and family, work from home anyway so have spent most of 2020 in my (lovely but still) house and there's NOBODY to spend time with an awful lot of the time thanks to Covid restrictions. It's a lot.