Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Christmas conundrum

488 replies

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 15:08

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

OP posts:
Cadent · 25/10/2020 00:55

@lyralalala of course only OP can confirm, but as I said, I think his mum asked him to let OP have this year and bro has said no and is lobbying mum that he should come too. I believe OP when she says he’s a selfish dick.

OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 00:55

@Cadent

If his mum asked him to let OP have this year, he should have looked at OP’s circumstances and said yes.
Really? You expect him to facilitate someone who wants it her way or the highway? Someone who is nasty about his wife and wants nothing to do with his children, despite being happy to spend time with their dn? Someone who is basically issuing an ultimatum that if he comes she won't?
lyralalala · 25/10/2020 00:56

@Cadent

If his mum asked him to let OP have this year, he should have looked at OP’s circumstances and said yes.
Why?

The OP's parents and grandchildren haven't seen each other for a long time.

Everyone else is happy for the OP to also go. It's only the OP that doesn't want to go.

She also said part way through that it wasn't out of the question that she would go.

She wouldn't sleep on the sofa because it would be too chaotic. Her objection to a hotel would be that she would feel like a spare part and "maiden aunt", but it turned out after that her sister lives close enough to her parents and she could possibly stay there.

There are compromises aplenty, but the only one the OP wants is her to go and the brother not too.

Cadent · 25/10/2020 00:56

Yes, if his mum has asked for it to be OP’s year he should respect that and not lobby her. And OP has not been nasty to them.

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 00:59

[quote Cadent]@lyralalala of course only OP can confirm, but as I said, I think his mum asked him to let OP have this year and bro has said no and is lobbying mum that he should come too. I believe OP when she says he’s a selfish dick.[/quote]
We don't know what the OP's mother asked him. We only know that he wants to take his children there this year. Clearly he hasn't seen his parents for a long time and would like to see them. There is nothing selfish in that when the OP could also go.

And in fact the OP's parents might actually enjoy having all three of their children there after this year.

Cadent · 25/10/2020 00:59

@lyralalala if my mum asked me to do this I would say yes. It’s her house. He should respect his mum’s wishes. OP may be on her own this year during a pandemic. This is an exceptional circumstance. Tilda upthread is doing it for her brother.

OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 01:00

@Cadent

Yes, if his mum has asked for it to be OP’s year he should respect that and not lobby her. And OP has not been nasty to them.
Op hasn't said their mother asked him to let her have this year. You are assuming that.

Her comments about her dil and her brother have been nasty.

Cadent · 25/10/2020 01:01

We don't know what the OP's mother asked him. We only know that he wants to take his children there this year. Clearly he hasn't seen his parents for a long time and would like to see them. There is nothing selfish in that when the OP could also go.

I can only go by what the OP says and lobbying suggests the brother is trying to influence / persuade his mum from a decision she has made.

Cadent · 25/10/2020 01:02

Her comments about her dil and her brother have been nasty.

On an anonymous forum, that doesn’t mean she’s nasty to them.

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 01:02

[quote Cadent]@lyralalala if my mum asked me to do this I would say yes. It’s her house. He should respect his mum’s wishes. OP may be on her own this year during a pandemic. This is an exceptional circumstance. Tilda upthread is doing it for her brother.[/quote]
The OP hasn't said anything about her mother asking him not to come. Just that he wants to come with his children.

And clearly that works for Tilda. This doesn't work for the OP's family.

If the OP's parents wanted her there come what may they could have formed a support bubble with her and told her brother he couldn't come. They haven't.

OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 01:03

@Cadent

Her comments about her dil and her brother have been nasty.

On an anonymous forum, that doesn’t mean she’s nasty to them.

I said her comments about them were nasty, not that she was nasty to them.
OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 01:04

[quote Cadent]@lyralalala if my mum asked me to do this I would say yes. It’s her house. He should respect his mum’s wishes. OP may be on her own this year during a pandemic. This is an exceptional circumstance. Tilda upthread is doing it for her brother.[/quote]
Tilda didn't say she is doing it. She said she would in those circumstances.

Cadent · 25/10/2020 01:04

@lyralalala , as mentioned, lobbying suggests the brother is trying to influence / persuade his mum from a decision she has made.

We are going round in circles here and may need to agree to disagree!

troph · 25/10/2020 01:04

Christmas is about family! No one should be alone on Christmas. As adults that's the main point. Christmas is for kids but if those kids already have family and presents then OP should get the day there, the brothers family can go another day and spend that one day with his own family.

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 01:04

@Cadent

We don't know what the OP's mother asked him. We only know that he wants to take his children there this year. Clearly he hasn't seen his parents for a long time and would like to see them. There is nothing selfish in that when the OP could also go.

I can only go by what the OP says and lobbying suggests the brother is trying to influence / persuade his mum from a decision she has made.

The only thing we know is that they have said they want to come with the children and that the OP could come too.
Cadent · 25/10/2020 01:07

Tilda didn't say she is doing it. She said she would in those circumstances.

Perhaps. She said ‘we thought it would be kind and lovely for us to swap our years. Modelling this sort of kindness is surely the festive and right thing to do.‘, so thought it had been discussed.

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 01:07

[quote Cadent]@lyralalala , as mentioned, lobbying suggests the brother is trying to influence / persuade his mum from a decision she has made.

We are going round in circles here and may need to agree to disagree![/quote]
Given the OP's other exaggerations (having nowhere to go, but then it emerging she has a sister, not being able to be around children, but spending time with her niece and her brother's lobbying for her to be alone turning out to be him wanting to go, but not having an objection to her going), which are understandable given it's an emotional situation, I think it's reasonable to wonder if "lobbying" isn't also somewhat emotionally charged.

We are indeed.

OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 01:07

@Cadent

We don't know what the OP's mother asked him. We only know that he wants to take his children there this year. Clearly he hasn't seen his parents for a long time and would like to see them. There is nothing selfish in that when the OP could also go.

I can only go by what the OP says and lobbying suggests the brother is trying to influence / persuade his mum from a decision she has made.

Except she also says later that he would not have any problems with her going so it really doesn't sound like he is lobbying for anything other than for his family to visit his parents at christmas. It's then up to the op to decide if she wants to go too as it doesn't sound like anyone other than she has an issue with her attending.
Cadent · 25/10/2020 01:08

@lyralalala there is no point is repeating our views as you won’t acknowledge the fact the brother is lobbying their mum.

Cadent · 25/10/2020 01:10

X post.

Given the OP's other exaggerations (having nowhere to go, but then it emerging she has a sister, not being able to be around children, but spending time with her niece

Her sister hasn’t invited her! And OP has already said it’s easier with the one older child. I imagine it’s harder with younger children / babies.

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 01:10

[quote Cadent]@lyralalala there is no point is repeating our views as you won’t acknowledge the fact the brother is lobbying their mum.[/quote]
He's not lobbying their mother in the way the OP presented it in her first post...

She stated he is lobbying their mother for her to spend Chrsitmas alone. We know that is wrong because she later contradicted it by saying he is happy for her to also go.

So I'm not going to acknowledge something that the OP herself has said he isn't doing.

OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 01:10

@Cadent

Tilda didn't say she is doing it. She said she would in those circumstances.

Perhaps. She said ‘we thought it would be kind and lovely for us to swap our years. Modelling this sort of kindness is surely the festive and right thing to do.‘, so thought it had been discussed.

She said My children would accept, not they will accept or they have accepted.
Cadent · 25/10/2020 01:12

Except she also says later that he would not have any problems with her going so it really doesn't sound like he is lobbying for anything other than for his family to visit his parents at christmas. It's then up to the op to decide if she wants to go too as it doesn't sound like anyone other than she has an issue with her attending.

I’m suggesting that the mum asked for it to be OP’s year alone this as year and he is lobbying mum to change her mind. I think I’ve typed that 6 times now so need to stop!

Cadent · 25/10/2020 01:14

She said My children would accept, not they will accept or they have accepted.

As I said, perhaps. She said also says ‘we thought it would be kind and lovely for us to swap our years’, so sounds like a done deal. Only Tilda can confirm.

DeRigueurMortis · 25/10/2020 01:14

Ok so based on the posts I think situation is this:

  • the OP has a brother and sister
  • the sister has one child, lives close to her parents and visits every year for Christmas
  • the OP has a good relationship with her sister in general but that's also helped by the fact her sister as only one older child and isn't "mother earth"
  • her brother has 4 children and lives (like her) far from the parents, so like her cannot just visit for the day
  • she doesn't get on as well with her brother in general but that's also exacerbated by her SIL being "Mother Earth" and general lack of sensitivity around her fertility.
  • her parents can host her sister for the day plus either the OP or the brother and family. Not both - there's not enough room.
  • to date the arrangement has worked because the OP and brother alternative Christmas and when it's not her turn the OP goes away for Christmas- something she can't do this year.
  • this year it's her brothers turn to visit his parents and the OP thinks he should give way because otherwise she'll be alone.

I think that's it.....

The hard truth here is that the OP doesn't have to be alone.

It's become clear that she could stay with her sister over Christmas and the whole family could be together (subject to Covid laws).

The fact is she wants her "normal" Christmas without their brother and his family because she finds it difficult to be around them.

OP I'm very sympathetic to you finding it hard to be around your brother and his family. I can see why it's triggering.

That said, I think YABU in this case in the sense you are refusing (under difficult circumstances) to make any compromises.

In your first post it seemed you were being forced to spend Christmas alone. But that's not the case really is it?

You want a specific type of Christmas at other people's expense and think you deserve it.

Your brothers children shouldn't miss out in seeing your Parents this Christmas should they?

I'm honestly really sorry you are in the position of dealing with infertility.

I'm not however convinced that means your wants top trump everyone else's in the sense you won't compromise.

You can stay with your sister. Put up with your brother and family for one day. Make arrangements to spend the week before/after Christmas with your parents alone etc etc

There are options available here that don't mean Christmas dinner for one.

I started reading this thinking your brother was an arse - but tbh I'm not so sure as more information has come to light.

Christmas is about family and you seem to want to dictate how that's managed for 11 other people.

I'd honestly urge to think about what compromises you might be happy to make here to the benefit of everyone.