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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Christmas conundrum

488 replies

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 15:08

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 25/10/2020 01:22

I’d love to know more about how Mother Earth sil manages a perfect mummy routine while also never lifting a finger. I am obviously doing it wrong as I have to work quite hard and never get even close to perfect mummy Hmm
If I were the ops Bil I could not decide for my children to cancel their Christmas with grandpa and grandma because my sister didn’t want to see my children. Not even found any children traumatic, as she has another niece, but refuses to spend Christmas with mine. Or stay nearby and drop in, so thinks I should tell the dc they can’t see the gps for Christmas so sister doesn’t have to lay eyes on my dc.

OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 01:25

@Cadent - Only Tilda can confirm.

That is true. But grammatically speaking, the sentence refers to a hypothetical, rather than an actual, situation.

OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 01:29

I’m suggesting that the mum asked for it to be OP’s year alone this as year and he is lobbying mum to change her mind. I think I’ve typed that 6 times now so need to stop!

Except the op never said that. You are making assumptions about what happened to support your view of events.

TildaTurnip · 25/10/2020 01:37

@Cadent

She said My children would accept, not they will accept or they have accepted.

As I said, perhaps. She said also says ‘we thought it would be kind and lovely for us to swap our years’, so sounds like a done deal. Only Tilda can confirm.

Apologies if I wasn’t clear but we don’t take it in turns in my family. However, if my brother, who would love children of his own but is facing the likelihood of never having any, found it difficult to be around children at Christmas leaving the option this year of being alone, I’d do what I could to help him. I appreciate that is my opinion and what I feel ok with isn’t what everyone should but the OP is being given a hard time on top of what is already a hard time.
nokidshere · 25/10/2020 01:03

I think YABU since the only person stopping you going to your parents at Christmas is you.

I understand how you feel. I had 17 unsuccessful years of fertility treatments before we were told it just wasn't going to happen. During those 17 years my 5 sisters had 13 children between them. Family occasions were heartbreaking for us but we plastered smiles on and got through it as best we could, even enjoyed them sometimes.

It's really tough attending family occasions in that situation but it's not their fault you struggle with it. I don't think anyone is being mean in the situation you describe. You still have the option of joining them, staying with your sister, going away as you usually do when it's their turn, or staying home alone. They are all viable options.

Obviously I don't know anything about your specific issues or wether all your fertility options have been looked into but it's a hard road to take alone. I really hope you are getting some support from somewhere because avoiding children won't be the answer. You could be missing out on some really good friendships and relationships with people who are parents. And their children.

12309845653ghydrvj · 25/10/2020 01:06

I think with all the updates since YABU op. Everyone will have to compromise a little this Christmas—it sounds like the best thing to do it:
(A) you stay with sister for Christmas
(B) you all go to parents’ for Christmas
(C) you avoid morning presents, etc by taking some time out for walks in the country, etc so it’s not too much for you

TheNewLook · 25/10/2020 01:36

I’ve read your posts carefully. What comes across very strongly to me is that this isn’t about Christmas at all. It’s about your childlessness and your poor relationship with your brother which I sense stems in large part from his fecundity!

I do think you are being unreasonable. He has young children who will be looking forward to seeing their grandparents at Christmas. Don’t be too quick to dismiss that. I truly believe my DC would give up half their presents to be able to spend Christmas with their grandparents, it matters that much to them.

I have some personal experience of your family dynamic. Two siblings with several children and one without. It can also be hard for the siblings with children having to tiptoe around the childless one and not do anything that might get them accused of “flaunting“ their offspring. That gets very waring too.

I’ve seen my parents turn themselves inside out trying to a. Make a fuss of their grandchildren and b. Not make too much fuss of their grandchildren! I’ve also heard my mother tell my childless sibling how tiring it is with all the little ones around...and then tell me it’s wonderful with the little ones around.

Mothers are very good at saying the right things to their children, working out what they want to hear and delivering different messages to each one.

Your accusation towards your SIL of acting like an earth mother stems from jealousy and bitterness I’m afraid. She has lots of what you want. It’s an understandable human feeling. But it’s not their fault you don’t have children. You can spend other times with your parents. Why turn Christmas into a period of upset and sadness for yourself? Do your own thing. Spend New Year with your parents. Be with your sister! You will have to either get used to being around children and embrace it or opt out and live a different life. Don’t be the cliched bitter spinster. Sorry. But that is how your posts come across. Woe is me. My lot is worse than everyone else’s. My parents must be there to fix me.

The person I’d wager you are hurting the most with this is your mother.

TheNewLook · 25/10/2020 01:49

In your first post it seemed you were being forced to spend Christmas alone. But that's not the case really is it?

You want a specific type of Christmas at other people's expense and think you deserve it.

I think this sums it up. I’m glad I came to the thread after your numerous updates as the pictures looks quite different from your original post.

And I’m afraid I agree that infertility does not give you the right to get your way on how your family spends Christmas.

As an aside, that do you mean by “earth mother”? Do you mean a mother who doesn’t hide her children in a cupboard and pretend they don’t exist when you’re around?

bulldoz · 25/10/2020 01:53

@TheNewLook your right but I have children and I can't imagine how aweful it would be for me if I didn't have them. Some women don't want kids which is fair enough, but as a women once that urge hit me I couldn't imagine not having them. So I can't underestimate how hard it would be for a women who can't have kids in that situation, it's so so so unfair! Her mum and dad are her main family. Her brother has made his own family so surely he can do his own family thing one day any take the kids a day later x

TheNewLook · 25/10/2020 02:06

To do that would be to give in to the OP’s selfish insistence that she should be allowed to spend Christmas alone with her parents. The brother is not saying she can’t be there at the same time as him. The OP is saying he cannot be there at the same time as her. And yet he is the villain?

How does he explain that to his children? Sorry kids, Auntie Una can’t be in the same room as you so we’ll have to see Grandma another time?

bulldoz · 25/10/2020 02:22

You don't have to explain that to children. Just say let's have a great day at home with family and presents and another day tomorrow with grandma and more presents. Brother isn't the bad guy, but I couldn't imagine taking my family to my parents and letting my sister spend the day alone x

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 02:31

@bulldoz

You don't have to explain that to children. Just say let's have a great day at home with family and presents and another day tomorrow with grandma and more presents. Brother isn't the bad guy, but I couldn't imagine taking my family to my parents and letting my sister spend the day alone x
Children aren’t stupid.

At 8/9 the niece has probably already clocked that the OP never comes when her cousins are there

And unless the brother’s children were multiples some of them will be 4+ and old enough to know Christmas this year is at the grandparents. Especially if visiting them has been when they’ve been unable too.

I’ve already started preparing my children for Christmas probably being different this year as they’ve heard Christmas mentioned on the news. If it’s been mentioned in her brothers house in earshot of the children they’ll know (at least the elder ones) that they’re meant to be going

bulldoz · 25/10/2020 03:12

@lyralalala no as parents you can spin any Christmas excitement you want. They won't be set on alternate Years with grandma to make them happy, they're kids you can make it magical with any situation you can! If they realize anything you can sort it out and keep them happy

saraclara · 25/10/2020 08:15

I truly believe my DC would give up half their presents to be able to spend Christmas with their grandparents, it matters that much to them.

It was the same with my daughters. They adored my PILs and Christmas at their house (they lived three hours away).

Apparently only the OP is allowed to have feelings. It's ridiculous that so many other people have to step aside because OP doesn't want to join the people whose turn it is to have Christmas there, but wants her parents to herself.

iMatter · 25/10/2020 08:26

@TheNewLook

To do that would be to give in to the OP’s selfish insistence that she should be allowed to spend Christmas alone with her parents. The brother is not saying she can’t be there at the same time as him. The OP is saying he cannot be there at the same time as her. And yet he is the villain?

How does he explain that to his children? Sorry kids, Auntie Una can’t be in the same room as you so we’ll have to see Grandma another time?

I agree with this. Pretty much sums it up.

saraclara · 25/10/2020 08:31

The brother is not saying she can’t be there at the same time as him. The OP is saying he cannot be there at the same time as her. And yet he is the villain?

Exactly.

emilybrontescorsett · 25/10/2020 08:32

After reading the updates I've changed my mind YABU.
Life is unfair. Plenty of people do not deserve the privileges they have.
You sound quite nasty and bitter describing your SIL as Mother Earth. Would it be better if she ignored her children or shouted at them?
No you do have options your brother and his family are entitled to see their parents and grandparents.

Aridane · 25/10/2020 08:35

@Nobeautysleep

All the people who are saying OP is being unreasonable, how would you feel in her position?
I would be fine with it - and would be think g of the joy my mother would feel seeing her grandchildren. And, yes, I have from time to time spent Christmas alone
Aridane · 25/10/2020 08:36

What does the mother want??

Frdd · 25/10/2020 08:42

What gets me is that the op wants to change this to suit her, but there’s a whole ripple effect. The SIL family will be impacted, as will any of her siblings and out and out.

It is shit to be on your own at Christmas. I do it every other year and it isn’t pleasant but I make the best of it. I don’t have anywhere to go and I’m usually in a rotten mood so I’m best left on my own anyway. But I can’t ask my kids and their partners and my ex’s family to all change their routine because I don’t like being on my own.

Year about is fair, and common - my DS does 1 in 3 - one with me or his dad, one with his partners parents and one on their own. To try to fuck about with that this year would be a nightmare.

waterlane · 25/10/2020 08:45

From experience aridane, the mother is probably shit scared of upsetting the daughter and pussy foots around her which is why she feels like she can dictate to what the whole family does because the mother is wholly focused on not offending the sister whilst upsetting everyone else as a result but no one is allowed to say anything

FinallyHere · 25/10/2020 09:33

It's quite hard not to become a little self-absorbed when you spend long periods of time by yourself...

Some people are happy to be alone. It sounds as if you are not. What could you do to be more integrated even in 2020?

One of the exemptions is for caring work. Several of my formerly isolated friends have thrown themselves into community work and are busier than ever. Local food bank, homeless shelter, coordinating the response to Meals for children missing FSMs

Could you arrange to spend some time with your parents at another time? What tier are they in!?

Aridane · 25/10/2020 10:29

@waterlane

From experience aridane, the mother is probably shit scared of upsetting the daughter and pussy foots around her which is why she feels like she can dictate to what the whole family does because the mother is wholly focused on not offending the sister whilst upsetting everyone else as a result but no one is allowed to say anything
You ,ah be right
Noitjustwontdo · 25/10/2020 10:39

I think the rule of six will still be in play at Christmas tbh and you’re in a tier 2 area so you shouldn’t be mixing with anyone outside of your household indoors. Sorry to be covid rule police but Christmas is going to be weird for many families this year. Your brother would be breaking the rules automatically just by visiting your parents because there’s seven of them. You’d be breaking the rules because you’re in a tier 2 area so you can’t mix with anyone else indoors.

Anyway, imagining the government changes the rules before Christmas. Your brother is being selfish, he has a large family of his own to spend it with whereas you’re alone. He should show some compassion. Failing to see why you can’t all just spend it together though, surely someone could kip on the sofa or you could invest in a blow up bed.

OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 10:42

@Noitjustwontdo -Failing to see why you can’t all just spend it together though, surely someone could kip on the sofa or you could invest in a blow up bed.

They can't spend it together because the op doesn't want to be there if her brother and his family are there. Nobody else appears to have an issue with everyone being there together. Presumably you missed that in the op's updates.

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