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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Christmas conundrum

488 replies

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 15:08

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

OP posts:
Cadent · 25/10/2020 00:09

Cross post Tilda

Nanny0gg · 25/10/2020 00:10

@FreshFreesias

But after all, embracing being on one’s own at Christmas is the Great Leap Forward. I know Christmas is symbolic but it’s a great relief to jump off the treadmill and be on your own. Enjoy your family when there is less pressure.
She lives on her own and we're in the middle of a pandemic.

How much more alone time should she embrace?

Twillow · 25/10/2020 00:13

I think you said your parents are wishing to see you - just say to your brother that you'll be there too , 202 being the exception that it has been, (on the sofa/ airbed on the floor whatever) and you're really looking forward to it. Don't let him make it a big issue.

RoomontheDressingGownofBroom · 25/10/2020 00:16

@Twillow

I think you said your parents are wishing to see you - just say to your brother that you'll be there too , 202 being the exception that it has been, (on the sofa/ airbed on the floor whatever) and you're really looking forward to it. Don't let him make it a big issue.
Yep. They're your family, there's a life threatening virus running rampage, drop the petty squabbles, go over and tell them to budge up.
TicTacTwo · 25/10/2020 00:21

*You've said a blow up bed on the floor or sleeping on the sofa isn't possible. (Why?)

I simply couldn't cope with being in that environment (all those people) without any space I could call my own. I realise this is a "choice" (i.e. my own neurosis) and not my brother's fault, but it would be a recipe for almost inevitable arguments and not worth the risk.*

OP responding to a question...

Twillow · 25/10/2020 00:23

@RoomontheDressingGownofBroom
I'm the last one to advise disregarding covid rules, actually, having had a family death from it. i presumed this was an academic question based on a potential christmas relax.

OP, having read through your posts I will change my happennyworth anyway! Let him stick to his routine, Go for the week before. You can have the fun of putting up the tree, giving your gifts, have a christmas dinner together! I'd say before rather than after as you won't have to hear the tales of he said she did...unless you think you'd get dragged into preparations for their arrival, in which case go after!
I had to spend the Christmas after I'd lost a baby with my siblings and their offspring. It was not fun.

OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 00:28

@Twillow

I think you said your parents are wishing to see you - just say to your brother that you'll be there too , 202 being the exception that it has been, (on the sofa/ airbed on the floor whatever) and you're really looking forward to it. Don't let him make it a big issue.
You obviously haven't read the op's updates. The brother has no issue with her being there. She doesn't want to go if he and his family are there.
OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 00:31

@TildaTurnip

My brother is in a similar position to you, OP and I simply cannot imagine doing this to him. My children would accept (under 7s) that their Uncle would be on his own if we went so we thought it would be kind and lovely for us to swap our years. Modelling this sort of kindness is surely the festive and right thing to do.
How would your children feel if you told them the reason your brother wouldn't go was because he didn't want to see them at christmas?
Skysblue · 25/10/2020 00:32

Your brother is a dick OP. 🙁

Cadent · 25/10/2020 00:33

@OchonAgusOchonO why would anyone tell their children that? Confused

OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 00:34

[quote Cadent]@OchonAgusOchonO why would anyone tell their children that? Confused[/quote]
Because that is the reason she's not going to her parents'.

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 00:36

@Cadent

In this particular year, it makes sense for the brother to plan to stay home as there are 7 of them. OP can then see her parents with sis, DN and BIL, making up a party of 6.

This would be the kind thing to do. And then brother could have next year with parents as hopefully no pandemic.

Her brother will be with his in-laws next year. Or should they too have to change their plans to accommodate the OP?

What if they have an alternate year set up too? It's very common.

The OP can go to her parents this year. She is welcome.

Cadent · 25/10/2020 00:37

@OchonAgusOchonO but you don’t have time tell children everything, it can be age appropriate

Cadent · 25/10/2020 00:39

Her brother will be with his in-laws next year. Or should they too have to change their plans to accommodate the OP?

What if they have an alternate year set up too? It's very common.

The OP can go to her parents this year. She is welcome.

Or maybe the lazy git can stay home and cook himself for once! OP says her mum is tired as he does fuck all. And then go in laws next year.

OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 00:42

[quote Cadent]@OchonAgusOchonO but you don’t have time tell children everything, it can be age appropriate[/quote]
Children are not stupid. I'm sure they have picked up on the fact op is happy to spend time with her sister's child but not them.

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 00:42

@Cadent

Her brother will be with his in-laws next year. Or should they too have to change their plans to accommodate the OP?

What if they have an alternate year set up too? It's very common.

The OP can go to her parents this year. She is welcome.

Or maybe the lazy git can stay home and cook himself for once! OP says her mum is tired as he does fuck all. And then go in laws next year.

The OP said her Mum found their visits tiring. Not that she didn't want them to visit.
Cadent · 25/10/2020 00:43

Not fair to place that burden on OP.

OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 00:45

@Cadent

Her brother will be with his in-laws next year. Or should they too have to change their plans to accommodate the OP?

What if they have an alternate year set up too? It's very common.

The OP can go to her parents this year. She is welcome.

Or maybe the lazy git can stay home and cook himself for once! OP says her mum is tired as he does fuck all. And then go in laws next year.

Given the op originally stated: Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with and that turned out not to be the case, I would take all of that with a pinch of salt.
Cadent · 25/10/2020 00:47

The OP said her Mum found their visits tiring. Not that she didn't want them to visit.

But OP says he’s lobbying his mum that he should go for Christmas A which suggests the mum has told him that OP should visit this year.

Cadent · 25/10/2020 00:48

Given the op originally stated: Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with and that turned out not to be the case, I would take all of that with a pinch of salt.

How is it not the case? What’d I miss?

OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 00:48

@Cadent

The OP said her Mum found their visits tiring. Not that she didn't want them to visit.

But OP says he’s lobbying his mum that he should go for Christmas A which suggests the mum has told him that OP should visit this year.

And she has also said he has no issue with her going too.
OchonAgusOchonO · 25/10/2020 00:49

@Cadent

Given the op originally stated: Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with and that turned out not to be the case, I would take all of that with a pinch of salt.

How is it not the case? What’d I miss?

Because she has since said he has no problem with her going. It is she who does not want to go if he and his family are there.
Cadent · 25/10/2020 00:51

If his mum asked him to let OP have this year, he should have looked at OP’s circumstances and said yes.

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 00:53

@Cadent

Given the op originally stated: Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with and that turned out not to be the case, I would take all of that with a pinch of salt.

How is it not the case? What’d I miss?

When asked what the brother and SIL would say the OP said

They would say it's their turn, their children haven't seen their grandparents for a long time and that they are not stopping me from coming and staying in a hotel nearby. I haven't hidden any of that.

Which is very different to "lobbying for me to spend it alone".

Cadent · 25/10/2020 00:53

Regardless of the fact that he doesn’t mind OP is there. As pps said, he’s used to being waited on hand and foot and don’t want to give that up.

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