To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

@Pumperthepumper

Don’t be ridiculous. It is clear that this couple has never got to the stage where she said “right, your turn, on you go” and he has point blank refused. She has never asked or told him to do it.

Who asked her or told her to do it?

Sorry, what’s your point? Why does her not having to be asked mean that he should not be asked if he fails to volunteer?

I think if you want your husband to be an equal parent you have to let him have an opinion, and have a chance to work out how to do things. I can see how upset you are and I have sympathy but he’s a grown adult. You don’t have to leave the dinner, the clothes and the toothbrush out. If my partner is on parenting duty, all that stuff is up to him. If he wants to go out without a nappy and manage on the hoof, that’s up to him, and he will do it better the next time. I’m sure the baby will be fine without a teeth clean, moisturiser or book for one evening.

It is however shit of him to leave you to it all night and then abandon you all day.

Sorry, what’s your point? Why does her not having to be asked mean that he should not be asked if he fails to volunteer?

Why should he have to be asked if she doesn’t? Who told her it needed done?

Should she also not change the baby’s dirty nappy or is that neglect?

@Pumperthepumper

Sorry, what’s your point? Why does her not having to be asked mean that he should not be asked if he fails to volunteer?

Why should he have to be asked if she doesn’t? Who told her it needed done?

Should she also not change the baby’s dirty nappy or is that neglect?

Nope, still don’t get your point. Stop just repeating the same thing!

Nope, still don’t get your point. Stop just repeating the same thing!

Oh I think you do, which is why you won’t answer the question.

Should she stop changing the baby’s dirty nappy?

I already said “don’t be ridiculous” when you first asked that utterly irrelevant question.

@CheetasOnFajitas

I already said “don’t be ridiculous” when you first asked that utterly irrelevant question.

So your answer is no? She should continue changing the dirty nappies? Hogging them?

Are you under the impression that men don’t know that babies poo? And therefore need changed? That the OP’s husband is so stupid that he didn’t realise it needed to be done in nine months?

@Pumperthepumper

Sorry, what’s your point? Why does her not having to be asked mean that he should not be asked if he fails to volunteer?

Why should he have to be asked if she doesn’t? Who told her it needed done?

Should she also not change the baby’s dirty nappy or is that neglect?

Her biological imperative told her to look after the thing that she had been looking after since she got a blue line. Pretending that we do not have an emotional drive to do that is disingenuous. However, there is a slight disconnect (imo) from the fat wife to the baby sitting there. Some men get it, some men need encouragement others are a waste of space, but all OP is doing is giving her DH the opportunity to be a complete waste of space rather than allowing him an opportunity to join her in the parenting journey. And yes if she gets so annoyed that his offer to stay up with his child is refused, oh well.

Oh and I didn't like pooey nappies, which is why it was taken in turns with my DH (and by in turns, I mean he mostly did them). So yes she's hogging the pooey nappies. Martyrdom doesn't suit me, so I refused to be one.

Her biological imperative told her to look after the thing that she had been looking after since she got a blue line. Pretending that we do not have an emotional drive to do that is disingenuous.

Hang on, she’s biologically more willing to care for her baby than he is? Are you being serious? I thought you were joking at first but now I can’t tell.

Quite a lot of men use this website now, I suspect you’re going to get quite a lot of grief for this idea.

So your husband was the martyr in your house? And you were what? Where was your emotional drive to change dirty nappies?

Are you under the impression that men don’t know that babies poo? And therefore need changed? That the OP’s husband is so stupid that he didn’t realise it needed to be done in nine months?

Are you for real @Pumperthepumper? Stop being obtuse. Let me spell it out in some simple bullet points for you:

OP’s husband knows full well that babies poo.
He is a lazy fucker who does not want to change a poo nappy.
He does not, therefore, volunteer to do so.
OP does not call him out on this.
He sits back and congratulates himself.
OP had the opportunity to tell him to stop being lazy.
We have been given no info that suggests they argued this out and he still refused to do it.
We do, however, know that she thinks that him not having had paternity leave is a reasonable excuse for never changing one single dirty nappy in 9 months.
She has chosen to be a martyr instead of challenging her husband’s deliberate and patently unreasonable behaviour.

@Pumperthepumper No not joking. There is definitely an attachment that is more immediate in women than in men. I'm sure there is a paper somewhere. You will always find exceptions, of course and those men can jump on this post as much as they want but clearly NAMALT.

But let's look at this practically, for a DH to not have changed one pooey nappy in 9 months, either that baby's bowel movements are very controlled or someone is making sure DH doesn't do it. Based on how OP has laid everything out for her DH, I stand by my statement she's hogging the baby. Everyone knows how you learn to do stuff is by doing stuff. If he doesn't have the opportunity he will never have to do anything. And she gets to continue to moan about it when it inconveniences a little.

It's a mum's site, but sometimes we are our own worst enemies. ARe you goiing to argue with that truth too?

I was just like you with my first OP
Military organised and routine

You really chill out with your second

Let this go if he’s otherwise a decent parent. He did things his way.
The real issue is that he didn’t pick up the slack for his actions

@CheetasOnFajitas

Are you under the impression that men don’t know that babies poo? And therefore need changed? That the OP’s husband is so stupid that he didn’t realise it needed to be done in nine months?

Are you for real @Pumperthepumper? Stop being obtuse. Let me spell it out in some simple bullet points for you:

OP’s husband knows full well that babies poo.
He is a lazy fucker who does not want to change a poo nappy.
He does not, therefore, volunteer to do so.
OP does not call him out on this.
He sits back and congratulates himself.
OP had the opportunity to tell him to stop being lazy.
We have been given no info that suggests they argued this out and he still refused to do it.
We do, however, know that she thinks that him not having had paternity leave is a reasonable excuse for never changing one single dirty nappy in 9 months.
She has chosen to be a martyr instead of challenging her husband’s deliberate and patently unreasonable behaviour.

So he’s a lazy fucker and doesn’t change the nappies. So she does it. And she’s a martyr.

It’s her fault he has to be challenged on basic care for his own kid.

It’s her fault that it has to be pointed out to him that the baby needs changed (enabling him)

He doesn’t ‘volunteer’ - so she either nags him, or cares for their baby (martyr).

What is the scenario where he is a neglectful parent? At what point does it stop being all the OP’s fault that he doesn’t care for his own baby?

@LaPampa

I think if you want your husband to be an equal parent you have to let him have an opinion, and have a chance to work out how to do things. I can see how upset you are and I have sympathy but he’s a grown adult. You don’t have to leave the dinner, the clothes and the toothbrush out. If my partner is on parenting duty, all that stuff is up to him. If he wants to go out without a nappy and manage on the hoof, that’s up to him, and he will do it better the next time. I’m sure the baby will be fine without a teeth clean, moisturiser or book for one evening.

It is however shit of him to leave you to it all night and then abandon you all day.

I agree - first time my DH took LO out by himself, he forgot something. Can't remember now whether it was a nappy-thing or a bottle-thing. Either way, he had to run home with the baby earlier than expected.

It was all fine, and from then on he always checked he had everything before setting off. You learn by doing, and dealing with the consequences if you get it wrong!

FWIW I disagree with the idea that she is hogging the nappy changing and not giving him the opportunity to learn. He could easily just go ahead and do that.
There may be something, however, in the idea that she is hogging other parts of the routine and parenting. But this is starting form the position where the bloke is such a lazy arse that he happily sucks out of the single most basic thing you can do for a baby apart from feeding it. I’m guessing, therefore, that he’s not that fussed about doing much else for it without having his arse kicked into action. Very convenient for him to say she never gives him the opportunity.

[quote Faultymain5]@Pumperthepumper No not joking. There is definitely an attachment that is more immediate in women than in men. I'm sure there is a paper somewhere. You will always find exceptions, of course and those men can jump on this post as much as they want but clearly NAMALT.

But let's look at this practically, for a DH to not have changed one pooey nappy in 9 months, either that baby's bowel movements are very controlled or someone is making sure DH doesn't do it. Based on how OP has laid everything out for her DH, I stand by my statement she's hogging the baby. Everyone knows how you learn to do stuff is by doing stuff. If he doesn't have the opportunity he will never have to do anything. And she gets to continue to moan about it when it inconveniences a little.

It's a mum's site, but sometimes we are our own worst enemies. ARe you goiing to argue with that truth too?[/quote]
It’s an emotional drive for women to hog the dirty nappies but you were different.

Your husband did the bulk of them because you didn’t like them. So he’s the martyr in your house. Not just a standard father caring for his baby’s basic needs. A martyr.

Really he should be praised for not being the same martyr as your husband, for sitting back and letting his wife ‘learn’?

Caring for your baby because the other parent doesn’t do it doesn’t make you your own worst enemy. It makes you the only non-neglectful parent that baby has. Because if they both stepped back the baby wouldn’t be cared for.

@Pumperthepumper So your husband was the martyr in your house? And you were what?

No there was no martyr. I might have cheekily put myself out of position for equal amounts of poo (can anything ever really be 100% equal), but essentially everything to do with our children was done by both of us. Because we're parenting together. Do it by yourself and you'll end up doing it by yourself.

[quote Faultymain5]**@Pumperthepumper* So your husband was the martyr in your house? And you were what?*

No there was no martyr. I might have cheekily put myself out of position for equal amounts of poo (can anything ever really be 100% equal), but essentially everything to do with our children was done by both of us. Because we're parenting together. Do it by yourself and you'll end up doing it by yourself.[/quote]
He sounds like a martyr. Only a martyr would change the baby’s dirty nappy with the other parent refuses. AND he doesn’t even have a biological drive to care for his baby!

It’s her fault he has to be challenged on basic care for his own kid.

No. It is her fault that she does not challenge him. It is very much his own fault that he needs to be challenged. She can’t control his attitude but she can control her response to it.

*when not with

@CheetasOnFajitas

FWIW I disagree with the idea that she is hogging the nappy changing and not giving him the opportunity to learn. He could easily just go ahead and do that. There may be something, however, in the idea that she is hogging other parts of the routine and parenting. But this is starting form the position where the bloke is such a lazy arse that he happily sucks out of the single most basic thing you can do for a baby apart from feeding it. I’m guessing, therefore, that he’s not that fussed about doing much else for it without having his arse kicked into action. Very convenient for him to say she never gives him the opportunity.

To be fair no-one said hogging the nappy changing other than @Pumperthepumper. It's the routine I was talking about, but in her effort to continue blaming only the bloke she refuses to see that the OP could be in partnership with the other parent rather than doing it herself.

@CheetasOnFajitas

It’s her fault he has to be challenged on basic care for his own kid.

No. It is her fault that she does not challenge him. It is very much his own fault that he needs to be challenged. She can’t control his attitude but she can control her response to it.

Her response is to care for the baby’s basic needs. That’s what she’s doing.

Still sure she shouldn’t also not change the dirty nappies? Keep martyring herself?

@Pumperthepumper if changing more pooey nappies than another parent makes you a martyr, then I'm going to presume that parenting isn't your strong suit. Can you possibly show me where I said I refused to change them? Curious. I can't find that sentence.

For what it's worth I get your being obtuse as we should all stick together. But really? He's dick cause he clearly doesn't want to do it. She's playing martyr cause she's letting him get away with it. Now I do have to go back to work.

I’m really shocked at how many people are making excuses for your Dh!
Also shocked at how many don’t see the importance of reading

[quote Faultymain5]@Pumperthepumper if changing more pooey nappies than another parent makes you a martyr, then I'm going to presume that parenting isn't your strong suit. Can you possibly show me where I said I refused to change them? Curious. I can't find that sentence.

For what it's worth I get your being obtuse as we should all stick together. But really? He's dick cause he clearly doesn't want to do it. She's playing martyr cause she's letting him get away with it. Now I do have to go back to work.[/quote]
I’m using your words. It’s ironic that you’d call the OP a martyr for doing all the dirty nappies when you left the bulk of them to your husband. He’s not a martyr though. I’m going to presume logic isn’t your strong suit.

He’s just a shit father. That’s the basic line. You don’t have to name-call OP to make that a fact.