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Original poster

To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

524 replies

RockWrass · 24/10/2020 14:25

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pmConfused

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." Confused I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

OP posts:
Goldencurtain · 25/10/2020 15:03

Milk has sugar in... lactose. Heard of fructose? Sucrose? Breaks down to exactly the same thing and will do exactly the same damage to teeth

roarfeckingroarr · 25/10/2020 15:32

I'm shocked how little so many fathers do.

My son is 8 days old and since we left hospital his dad has been doing half, looking after him while I sleep in the day... I don't think I could respect him if it was otherwise

Leolady90 · 25/10/2020 15:40

I’d be pissed off too. Some people forget he’s also this child’s parent, and whilst he doesn’t have to stick to your routine perfectly he still should’ve known not to let her sleep an hour before bedtime routine starts. Saying that, he did try his best and he did provide adequate care (the nappy situation is quite funny 😁).

AgentJohnson · 25/10/2020 15:47

You were out of the house for 190 minutes, get a grip.

Stuckinnow · 25/10/2020 16:14

YANBU. I had/ have similar with my (D)P. I went out one night to meet a friend and came back fairly late to find DD asleep in her bouncer, not even in pyjamas. Had to wake her to get her dressed for bed and then she was awake for ages. It was my one night off and he hadn't even done the minimum. He has done the bare minimum since DD was born although is extremely defensive if challenged. His main interaction with DD is when he is video calling his mum. Other times he is on his phone ignoring her most of the time. If your DP is generally a hands on dad and good partner, I can still see why you would be annoyed. Especially as it sounds like the nap was just to suit himself. But it he is generally crap, I can see why you would be especially angry.

Happyheartlovelife · 25/10/2020 16:34

What would happen if you got rushed to hospital?

I feel the father should learn to do more.

I understand the routine. My daughter had horrific night terrors. We had to get her to bed and asleep by 7.30. Otherwise I'd be awake all night as she thrashed about. It took me to the edge when I'd been awake for nearly on 4 days. A friend of mine helpfully commented that I looked like I was dead. Which I felt I did. I rang my pead dr in hysterics. (I mean actual hysterics. It took him 10 mins to actually be able to understand me!). However. He was a fantastic dr. She has central sleep apnea. Hence he was amazing when it came to sleep. So yes. Routine does have to be stuck to for some babies. Without a doubt.

However. I was also in hospital for nearly a year after my first was born. I sadly had something that most people don't survive and spent 4 months in ICU. My DH had to learn and he had to learn fast. My daughter was born quite early. So she spent 4 months in hospital herself. But then she came home. To my DH on his own. He taught me all I know

I then got rushed in for another month. Only 3 weeks after she was born. So my MIL had to come down. I don't know how my DH worked. (Wth). Looked after the child. Looked after me. Looked after everything else

So do you have a plan if something like that happened? I think he needs to be thrown in the deep end! Otherwise you'll never be able to do anything. No drinks with the girls. No date nights.

There has to be some point which someone has to take over and they might not stick to the routine?? Although we had a very strict routine. As in my child had to be in bed by a certain time. That was al we did. Once the night terrors broke and finally stopped. We were able to relax

Good luck!

Happyheartlovelife · 25/10/2020 16:34

@Happyheartlovelife

What would happen if you got rushed to hospital?

I feel the father should learn to do more.

I understand the routine. My daughter had horrific night terrors. We had to get her to bed and asleep by 7.30. Otherwise I'd be awake all night as she thrashed about. It took me to the edge when I'd been awake for nearly on 4 days. A friend of mine helpfully commented that I looked like I was dead. Which I felt I did. I rang my pead dr in hysterics. (I mean actual hysterics. It took him 10 mins to actually be able to understand me!). However. He was a fantastic dr. She has central sleep apnea. Hence he was amazing when it came to sleep. So yes. Routine does have to be stuck to for some babies. Without a doubt.

However. I was also in hospital for nearly a year after my first was born. I sadly had something that most people don't survive and spent 4 months in ICU. My DH had to learn and he had to learn fast. My daughter was born quite early. So she spent 4 months in hospital herself. But then she came home. To my DH on his own. He taught me all I know

I then got rushed in for another month. Only 3 weeks after she was born. So my MIL had to come down. I don't know how my DH worked. (Wth). Looked after the child. Looked after me. Looked after everything else

So do you have a plan if something like that happened? I think he needs to be thrown in the deep end! Otherwise you'll never be able to do anything. No drinks with the girls. No date nights.

There has to be some point which someone has to take over and they might not stick to the routine?? Although we had a very strict routine. As in my child had to be in bed by a certain time. That was al we did. Once the night terrors broke and finally stopped. We were able to relax

Good luck!

I meant only 3 weeks after I came home. Not the birth.

Oops. My DH came to chat! Lols

WitchWife · 25/10/2020 18:50

Thanks @swansongs and @RockWrass - @Nanny0gg I know he would take her to his mothers but I bet even she has a life to live sometimes!

Nanny0gg · 25/10/2020 19:22

@AgentJohnson

You were out of the house for 190 minutes, get a grip.
And in that time the father couldn't look after his baby properly.

Good job it wasn't all day

SaltandPepperIt · 25/10/2020 20:27

@AgentJohnson

You were out of the house for 190 minutes, get a grip.
Putting it in minutes doesnt make it any less ridiculous that a father couldnt care for his daughter properly - at the very least put the nappy on the right way
NeonGenesis · 25/10/2020 22:10

I'm amazed at the amount of posters who are excusing this father's lack of care and attention. Why do you expect so little of them? The baby being alive at the end of the evening is not good enough. The baby should be properly cared for by their parent.

I can't imagine anyone having such low expectations of a mother.

Original poster
RockWrass · 26/10/2020 00:05

I'm sorry to hear about your hospital stay @Happyheartlovelife I hope you're feeling better now.

That's really constructive @AgentJohnson, thank you Biscuit

Pleased to report that DH managed to bath, do teeth, moisturise, clean nappy and PJs whilst I cleaned up after dinner tonight with minimal fuss. He stills thinks that I'm overreacting; I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree on that. Going back to @BlueFringe 's post at the start of the thread, the upset for me is the mental load. This instance highlighted just how unfairly this is distributed. I'm sure if I went away for a weekend (not that I'd want to), DD would be fine and DHs skills would be honed pretty sharpish and all would be ok... but I'm sure that if he went away for a weekend, at no point would he wonder if DDs teeth were being brushed?

OP posts:
AestheticWitch · 26/10/2020 00:14

12 years on and my DP still doesn't tell the Dc to brush their teeth or wash their faces or shower.

Goldencurtain · 26/10/2020 02:23

What are you going to do about it OP?

WitchWife · 26/10/2020 09:06

Really glad last night went well @RockWrass!
Are you going to make this a regular thing eg alternate nights from now on?

Sadly I totally get what you mean about the mental load, I think it gets established very early in relationships unfortunately where the man sometimes starts leaning on the woman and she takes on the burden e.g. “remembering to get a battery for the remote, waiting in for the plumber, keeping in mind it’s his mum’s birthday next week and a card and present are needed, remembering we’ve run out of onions” while I can only imagine the man feels an incredible lightness and relief!! Once that’s established it’s so hard to change but I’m still absolutely shocked that your husband sees you as more of a primary carer than him. If you want this to change you’ll need to really work on it by handing more and more stuff off to him. Can I recommend the power of “I don’t know” (even if you do)? So if he’s doing a load of DD laundry and he asks what temperature to put it on at, say you don’t know or suggest he google it. Otherwise he’ll ask you each time rather than learning. Boring isn’t it.

CheetasOnFajitas · 26/10/2020 09:10

I’m sorry but you can’t complain about shouldering the MENTAL load when you ha e allowed him to go 9 months without changing one single nappy full of poo.

Start with getting him to do some physical bog standard parenting, then move on to the mental load issues.

Faultymain5 · 26/10/2020 10:16

Sorry I'm on page 4 where you've stated your DH has never changed a pooey nappy in 9 months. 9 MONTHSShock!!!

Your DH is not the problem you are.

I might change my mind by the time I get to page 17. But let me ask you. If he never has to do it, why would he do it? How do you expect him to know how to do it.

CheetasOnFajitas · 26/10/2020 10:36

@Faultymain5 I’ll save you some time- OP thinks that by saying “he didn’t take paternity leave” she has fully justified and explained the lack of nappy changing and she now is now pretending she never mentioned it and ignoring all further questions and comments about it.

Pumperthepumper · 26/10/2020 10:54

Absolutely can’t wait to see how him not changing a single dirty nappy in nine months is the woman’s fault - are you suggesting she shouldn’t have changed her baby so that he had to?

Pumperthepumper · 26/10/2020 10:55

Allowed him 😂😂😂😂 You selfish cow, wanting to keep all the joy of changing dirty nappies all to yourself and not letting him enjoy even a single one!

CheetasOnFajitas · 26/10/2020 10:59

@Pumperthepumper

Absolutely can’t wait to see how him not changing a single dirty nappy in nine months is the woman’s fault - are you suggesting she shouldn’t have changed her baby so that he had to?
Don’t be ridiculous. It is clear that this couple has never got to the stage where she said “right, your turn, on you go” and he has point blank refused. She has never asked or told him to do it.
9ofpentangles · 26/10/2020 11:14

Was the mother ever told or asked to change the nappy? Of course not! It's women's work, innit?

Faultymain5 · 26/10/2020 11:24

@9ofpentangles

Was the mother ever told or asked to change the nappy? Of course not! It's women's work, innit?
Well if mother hogs baby routine, who else's job is it?
Pumperthepumper · 26/10/2020 11:24

Don’t be ridiculous. It is clear that this couple has never got to the stage where she said “right, your turn, on you go” and he has point blank refused. She has never asked or told him to do it.

Who asked her or told her to do it?

Pumperthepumper · 26/10/2020 11:25

Well if mother hogs baby routine, who else's job is it?

Hogs the dirty nappies 😂😂😂😂😂

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