To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

@Wheelerdeeler I had serious discussions with my exh that ultimately led nowhere. The more I pressed him to parent properly the more frustrated and irritated he became with both baby and me. It's the reason I left when DD was 3 months old. I totally get what you're saying but you really can't force people to be decent parents, as his 'co-parenting' attempts since we separated have indicated.

It seems to be that OP has done he lions share to make sure her baby gets cared for properly. And now she wants her DP to take a more hands on approach he's doing it HIS way not hers and she doesn't like it. All routines should allow for wiggle room otherwise trying to do something such as attending a family wedding or going on holiday become a nightmare.

There's a few issues to work on but I certainly don't think it should still be dragging on into prolonged arguments over one botched evening.

I understand where your coming from I like to try and get my little one into a routine and it can annoy me when my partner doesn't stick to it but I have realised I need to stop trying to be like clockwork and actually other ways can work too but in this case it didn't. I get why your annoyed your tired and feel like you can't rely on him to get the basics right. Maybe instead of shouting you need to hand more of the responsibility over to him so he gets to grips with the routine. I've started asking my OH to make babies dinner feed him etc so he gets into a routine himself with the baby. On a separate note this is my first child so I'm not sure but waking to feed at midnight doesn't sound too good every baby is different mine is fed at 7.30 and sleeps til 7 have you tried increasing volume of baby food at lunch and tea time then breast feeding a little bit later on. As I say I'm not expert just a suggestion from reading too many baby wheening books but I know all kids differ.

@AllDayHappyHour

Oh jeez ‘I can't count on him to care for DD properly‘ ?? Really?! He cared for her just fine. You need to chill the heck out lady.

What the heck are you planning to do if you go out to dinner or are invited to a wedding? Leave at 4pm so you can be home for the ‘routine’?

He did good and he wanted time with his parents, he didn’t just ‘shove a camera in her face’. I’m so sad for him that you said that. You sound awful.

I say all this as a mum who also has to deal with the little one in the night. Get a grip and BE NICE TO YOUR HUSBAND. Fine, he didn’t stick to the ‘routine’ but there are better ways to deal with the fall out.

Hi DH

@WitchWife your post was great thanks.

I absolutely do not want to argue with him. I certainly won't let this carry on but surely anyone in my shoes (perhaps not @AllDayHappyHour ) would want an acknowledgement of a "look I'm sorry, I messed up, can we move on?" The more defensive and insistent that he's not done anything wrong is making me angrier. Perhaps I should have just risen above it all, but in the moment, exhausted and pissed off, my patience wasn't feeling saintly.

I fully intend to make DH do the bedtime routine tonight. It's a weekend, so no excuse about work. I'll be here to help if he needs.

DD is just having her lunch and then I have arranged to meet a friend for a walk (with DD) so DH won't have her this afternoon.

FWIW, even if me and my DH have had an argument where we can’t agree on who was right and who was in the wrong (I mean obviously it’s always me that’s right ), we both always apologise afterwards even if it’s something like “I’m sorry for getting angry, I don’t want to fight, can we figure this out and move on?” The fact that he won’t say anything along these lines and is just expecting an apology from you is not a good sign. He doesn’t seem to be able to communicate very well and he’s sounding more and more like ExDH material than DH material.

'Waking to feed at midnight doesnt sound good'.

Half of MN must be trolls. There's no other explanation for such stupidity.

I'd be angry too. My daughter is a year and my DH has always stepped up when on the rare occasion I have plans with friends or been out. He may not do things exactly the same, but does his best to stick to routine. It really isn't that hard. And the nappy is no excuse. Has he not changed a nappy before now? Men shouldn't be applauded for the bare minimum getting done with no justifiable excuse, same as women. I'd be angry as it hasnt helped you at all or given you any free time when you suffer for it hours later. When he's home you should storm out in a huff...only you cant as he's proved himself incappable of basic childcare. Probably his goal so you don't leave him to it again

@OhToBeASeahorse

'Waking to feed at midnight doesnt sound good'.

Half of MN must be trolls. There's no other explanation for such stupidity.

fed at 7.30 and sleeps til 7

We've got down to 2 night feeds from anywhere from 8-12 wake ups by encouraging a routine. Happy to be corrected but I'm sure babies that sleep through are the exception as opposed to the norm?!

My (fantastic) HV always said that sleep is developmental. Babies learn to link sleep cycles like they learn to walk and talk. You can encourage good sleep but really they have to figure it out by themselves. Some babies suss this out early, some later, the same way that some walk "early" and some don't.

As one of the people who said similar no I am not a troll. Nor am I trying to tell others how to parent as I am such a newbie at all this myself I'm only saying from all the reading and research I did. OP is obviously okay with this and that works for them and I appreciate every child is different I just thought it might help her sleep through. So sorry for trying to give my opinion. OP may have already even tried this I was just trying to be helpful not to cause disputes. My son used to do similar until I followed the books advice and we stopped it. May work for some and yes I appreciate not others but don't slate me or others for having an opinion that is different to yours.

OP I was quoting someone else - not saying that myself! You are absolutely right.

@OhToBeASeahorse

OP I was quoting someone else - not saying that myself! You are absolutely right.

Sorry meant to add an - was completely agreeing with you!

@Wildflower219 its not an opinion. Telling the OP that it isnt 'good' that her son wakes at midnight to feed is just monumentally uninformed, not to mention entirely irrelevant to the thread. You must know that having a baby that sleeps 12 hours a night is unusual.

@RockWrass lol!!!

Okay well I apologize for using the words 'not good' in hindsight that wasn't the right way to word it. I did try to make a point though that all babies are different and to be fair I didn't know sleeping through was unusual as first time at this and I am a bit of a stick to the book feeding routine freak . That is something I struggle with when changes. But yes off topic good luck with DH and routines etc.

I dont blame you for sticking to a routine that you have found works - ironically that it what OP is doing!

but tooth brushing and reading a bedtime story is just not necessary for a nine-month-old. I’ve never heard of that before.

How sad this is normal for most babies

Of course I would read lots of stories to a nine-month-old, but it’s not an essential element of a baby bedtime routine, sorry. Each to their own and if it’s a nice thing for you then that’s lovely but I’d prefer to do it when baby is more awake and alert as it’s quite stimulating. For a toddler or older child it’s a good way of winding down.

Tootbrushing again, it’s just not an essential for a nine-month-old. Toothpaste definitely isn’t recommended that early. Most nine-month-olds are consuming largely milk and hopefully zero added sugars.
I’m just trying to think of ways OP could make life easier on herself. Your routine seems really exacting - for you first and foremost!

You should brush teeth once the first one breaks through. Milk has sugars in it (breast, formula and cows)

That's just absolute nonsense. You are talking nonsense. Toothbrushing, with toothpaste should be done when the first tooth comes through. Just like any tooth should be brushed.

This thread is like a parallel universe.

The routine looks to me like dinner, clean for bed, a few little bed rituals, sleep. That isn't exacting, that's just normal. Many little ones thrive on having a decent schedule that works to meet everyone's needs. Our routine is different but with the same 4 basic steps, but everyone in our house moves through our steps happily each night with a toddler routine that's barely changed in the last 2 years. We all enjoy the time together with no fussing nor tantrums.

(OP - I wouldn't bath every night with eczema either by the way; face and hand wash after each meal plus soap after a poo nappy, then two baths per week would be plenty.)

but tooth brushing and reading a bedtime story is just not necessary for a nine-month-old. I’ve never heard of that before

Seriously is this a joke?? At 9 mo my baby had 6 full teeth and I'd been brushing since.the first tooth cut at 5 months. You should be doing that twice daily. Also reading to babies from birth is highly recommended. Its not essential in that they wont die if you dont do it, but It helps them develop language. Honestly do some research and grow a brain. My DH doesn't like reading to ours - he feels awkward doing voices etc so I dont expect it to get done if I go out at bedtime. But even he does it when remembering, usually just 1 simple quick story. Takes 2-5 mins and lets baby know its nighttime.

The OP's husband is sulking bc he wanted applause for having a dick and keeping the baby alive. It would take next to no effort to do any of the she things mentioned. She made it so easy for him but he just couldnt be arsed and did it quickly and shitty to get back to his phone.

You know it really means Jack shit that some posters disagree with OP’s routine.

Her life. Her baby. Her routine.

The routine that her DH was on board with is not the problem.

The fact that he’s a lazy, immature dickhead is the problem.

*Oh jeez ‘I can't count on him to care for DD properly‘ ?? Really?! He cared for her just fine. You need to chill the heck out lady.

What the heck are you planning to do if you go out to dinner or are invited to a wedding? Leave at 4pm so you can be home for the ‘routine’?

He did good and he wanted time with his parents, he didn’t just ‘shove a camera in her face’. I’m so sad for him that you said that. You sound awful.

I say all this as a mum who also has to deal with the little one in the night. Get a grip and BE NICE TO YOUR HUSBAND. Fine, he didn’t stick to the ‘routine’ but there are better ways to deal with the fall out.*

You sound like a troll. Why should she be nice to her husband when he made the night MORE difficult for her? Its not lack of routine she's even mad at, its the lack of basic care and sulking when she didn't praise his arse for doing a shitty job. She has a right to be mad and holding him to account. Nappies has directions/pictures on the bag. Not hard to figure it out. But yeah, nothing worse than her not being nice to her husband though 🙄

The sleep bit would definitely annoy me and, knowing what I know now, I would have made him be the one to settle her in the night apart from the usual feeds, which I d do as normal . Of course, at your stage, I would've settled her myself through the night and grumbled about it.

As for the rest of it, I would have been a bit more relaxed. The only thing I would be rigid about is sleep