Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this gift wasn’t offensive?

358 replies

Steppingonpegg · 24/10/2020 09:27

So it’s been a hard 18 months. One of the things is DC age 3 has been diagnosed with autism. I’ve found it hard, everyone has been upset and confused but we’re getting there. I’m his biggest fan, biggest advocate of course. It’s getting easier, slowly.

I got DMIL a gift. It’s a key ring that says ‘We’re just Dancing In The Dark’. You, me, all of us. Love your Steven’ (DC isn’t actually a Steven for the record Grin )

Anyway, MIL took it out at her birthday tea and said ‘oh’. Lovely. Then I thought nothing of it and thought she hasn’t read it properly. She’s a Springsteen fan like myself.

Got home later that evening and she’s text H to say how could nobody get her anything proper this year. Where are her usual flowers? She said ‘you know I don’t like gifts. That’s why I just say get flowers. I’m shocked you think so little of me’.

AIBU to think our gift was nice and not at all uncaring? I felt so sad she didn’t see the message behind it Sad

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 24/10/2020 10:10

@Steppingonpegg

I know she likes what she likes and I’ve always accepted that, it’s just I thought this might bypass that since it was very special, at least I thought Sad
It would have been special to me.

Ignore her. Very, very rude.

rainyoutside · 24/10/2020 10:11

I’m not nitpicking! I love the song but the lyrics aren’t really upbeat, although the tempo is - it’s part of what it makes it so good, IMO.

It conveys that sort of desperation to escape your own identity and not being able to.

Teirsforfears · 24/10/2020 10:11

It’s not a very good gift is it- maybe as an add on. Are you guys short of money? Does she know this? If I got that I’d be a bit hmm but I wouldn’t say anything she is rude for complaining.

Original poster
Steppingonpegg · 24/10/2020 10:11

A key ring is a terrible gift, and the lyrics you choose are uninspiring to me, and would make me cringe. If I was given a key ring like this, I'd bin it, and if it was from a close family member, yes, I'd be disappointeD

Well it wasn’t for YOU Hmm and MIL DOES NOT find the lyrics uninspiring. How kind to say you’d just bin it off Sad

OP posts:
BessMarvin · 24/10/2020 10:11

@barfotoliv

A key ring is a terrible gift, and the lyrics you choose are uninspiring to me, and would make me cringe. If I was given a key ring like this, I'd bin it, and if it was from a close family member, yes, I'd be disappointed. However, I do think it was ungracious for your MIL to voice her disappointment. She should have politely thanked you and said no more. Although sometimes with a close family member, like a son, it can be hard to keep up a pretence and not say anything!
But it wasn't for you. It was for someone who has said the song has meaning for them.
randomer · 24/10/2020 10:12

What on earth is wrong with these entitled old bats? ( i am in the old bat group, so I can say that)
You went out of your way to buy a gift , a personalised gift.
Supermarket flowers?
Donate her gift " allowance" to charity, sponser a child.

TeamLucille · 24/10/2020 10:12

I like your DP too Grin

well, you've tried. It was more than clear from your OP that it was all about the quote Confused

From now on, stick to supermarket flowers and treat yourself with the difference.

Let's hope she learns to make an effort with her own grand-children frankly. Every single parent and grand-parent receive genuine "rubbish" gifts from their child (again, yours wasn't!). It's lovely, they mean something and you appreciate the THOUGHT behind it.

You can't be blamed for thinking a grand-mother would have been happy to receive a nice little gift reminding her of her own grand-son. Confused

GlummyMcGlummerson · 24/10/2020 10:13

Do you know what, for all the moaning that older generations do about "spoilt" younger people, it's ALWAYS them who have tantrums because they didn't get flowers/a proper card/something expensive enough. My mum is the same, the tantrums are pathetic for a 61yo woman

She's being a brat.

Original poster
Steppingonpegg · 24/10/2020 10:13

It conveys that sort of desperation to escape your own identity and not being able to.

Ever heard of ‘masking when it comes to autism? Trying to cope with the world around you when it’s very different for you to the next personal? You can never escape autism, just as you can never escape who you really are. MIL knows this, she made the connection. Which is why I could see what she meant and thought she’d like the gift

OP posts:
Fleamaker123 · 24/10/2020 10:13

Who on earth rings to tell someone they don't like their birthday present?? Oh my goodness.
That's beyond rude.

Frdd · 24/10/2020 10:13

It is a bit of an odd gift especially since the words of the song are to remind her that your son has autism. It’s a bit all about you, and where you are, rather than about her and what she might want.

But she was rude to strop about it.

BlindAssassin1 · 24/10/2020 10:14

Saying anything other than thank you for a gift is unutterably rude. You tried OP, you put the effort in and it was rudely rebuffed.

Will she be getting you something pretty spectacular at Christmas, just to show you how its done?

Dishwashersaurous · 24/10/2020 10:14

How was it a thoughtful gift?

rainyoutside · 24/10/2020 10:15

I do know one or two things about autism, thanks OP Hmm

I think it’s an odd song to choose (I love it but that is by the by.)

However it’s still - well, as I’ve said, it’s about your son, not MIL.

Nanny0gg · 24/10/2020 10:15

@Fleamaker123

Who on earth rings to tell someone they don't like their birthday present?? Oh my goodness. That's beyond rude.
Probably most of the posters on here, going by some of the responses.

I know this is AIBU but I assume The Rules are getting to people as they clearly have nowhere else to vent their spleens.

Really nasty responses some of them. Just for the sake of it.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 24/10/2020 10:15

Has anyone else got Springsteen playing in their head right now Grin

Original poster
Steppingonpegg · 24/10/2020 10:16

Dish Because she loves the song and connected it to DS, to everyone really? I like it too, it has a great meaning. A very bitter sweet song that I just love, she loves even more. She’s a bigger fan. And came up with the connection in the first place.

How isn’t that a thoughtful gift?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 24/10/2020 10:16

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Do you know what, for all the moaning that older generations do about "spoilt" younger people, it's ALWAYS them who have tantrums because they didn't get flowers/a proper card/something expensive enough. My mum is the same, the tantrums are pathetic for a 61yo woman

She's being a brat.

No it is isn't.

Entitlement isn't age-related.

(Ageism rears its ugly head again)

rainyoutside · 24/10/2020 10:16

I wouldn’t but I would be a bit pissed off TBH. I would think you were making my birthday about your child and I suspect this isn’t the first time the young boys autism has been at the forefront of something. That’s often how it is, but it can still be hard for others.

Poppingnostopping · 24/10/2020 10:17

I cannot fathom a lot of these responses.

Over the years, I've had a few gifts that haven't quite hit the mark. That's actually irrelevant, because what the gift represents is that person cares about you, got something personal, and tried to include their child.

Fancy having something signed from your child dismissed as a shit gift and they'd rather have flowers.

I literally don't know one person who would be so dismissive of a mother and child like that, even if they weren't planning on using the key ring (and why not, I use ones given to me, which are fun, have memories etc and so does my husband).

Gifts are about the sentiment. Now you know. Husband buys cheap flowers, you all take a step back from such a rude and horrid person.

ktp100 · 24/10/2020 10:17

I wouldn't be getting her anything for Xmas, that's for sure!!

How ungrateful & childish!!

Wishihadanalgorithm · 24/10/2020 10:17

Your MiL is awful and rude but the key ring- even with its special message - is underwhelming.

Next time get her a bunch of flowers and leave it at that.

I’d think no more about this and in future let your DH organise cards and presents for his family.

Frdd · 24/10/2020 10:18

@rainyoutside

I wouldn’t but I would be a bit pissed off TBH. I would think you were making my birthday about your child and I suspect this isn’t the first time the young boys autism has been at the forefront of something. That’s often how it is, but it can still be hard for others.
This.
Dishwashersaurous · 24/10/2020 10:18

And actually the fact that she said, shows that she was upset by the gift

Original poster
Steppingonpegg · 24/10/2020 10:19

I wouldn’t but I would be a bit pissed off TBH. I would think you were making my birthday about your child and I suspect this isn’t the first time the young boys autism has been at the forefront of something. That’s often how it is, but it can still be hard for others

DS’s autism isn’t at the forefront of everything. It comes up a lot obviously but not through us talking endlessly about it. People ask. MIL has complained in the past that we don’t tell her enough, update her enough. We do. It’s just she seems to have wanted details on his last nappy change. All very extreme. We aren’t sitting there at every chance we get to talk about autism

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread