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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this gift wasn’t offensive?

358 replies

Steppingonpegg · 24/10/2020 09:27

So it’s been a hard 18 months. One of the things is DC age 3 has been diagnosed with autism. I’ve found it hard, everyone has been upset and confused but we’re getting there. I’m his biggest fan, biggest advocate of course. It’s getting easier, slowly.

I got DMIL a gift. It’s a key ring that says ‘We’re just Dancing In The Dark’. You, me, all of us. Love your Steven’ (DC isn’t actually a Steven for the record )

Anyway, MIL took it out at her birthday tea and said ‘oh’. Lovely. Then I thought nothing of it and thought she hasn’t read it properly. She’s a Springsteen fan like myself.

Got home later that evening and she’s text H to say how could nobody get her anything proper this year. Where are her usual flowers? She said ‘you know I don’t like gifts. That’s why I just say get flowers. I’m shocked you think so little of me’.

AIBU to think our gift was nice and not at all uncaring? I felt so sad she didn’t see the message behind it

OP posts:

dontwantamirena · 24/10/2020 10:03

Good gift or not, she should have accepted it gracefully and kept quiet.

aSofaNearYou · 24/10/2020 10:03

Completely disagree with anyone saying they understand why she is upset, I find her message really bizarre and contradictory. She wants something "proper", which implies a gift, but doesn't like gifts? She is upset that "no one" got her what she wanted, but five other people got her what she wanted?

It's ridiculously rude to complain over gifts in any case, but I don't think what she's saying makes any sense either.

anditgoeson · 24/10/2020 10:03

OP this story has reminded me of a time many years ago when I was in my early 20's and I'd had a very strained relationship with my Mum. I wanted to try and reconnect to her and I'd remembered how she said she'd always felt like her birthday presents were impersonal so I attempted to get her a personal present. I knew that she was a hippie in the 60's and 70's and she was sad that she'd lost track of that so I bought her a crystal bracelet in her favourite colour, incense etc thinking she would recognize that I had remembered this, and therefore 'knew' her and she didnt 'get' it and literally just chucked the presents. I was so hurt that my attempt and being personal and trying to make a bond was so dismissed I have literally never done it since. You live and learn.

Original poster

Steppingonpegg · 24/10/2020 10:03

DH took her out for dinner a couple of weeks ago. That was his gift really, a ‘birthday meal’ as it was called. MIL likes it when her sons take her out together or separately which is nice so that was their thing I supposed, a meal he paid for at an expensive place

OP posts:

DaphneFanshaw · 24/10/2020 10:03

I love that song!
If you’re both Springsteen fans then I can see why you thought it would be a lovely gift.
It’s not a typical adult gift,no.
Mil is being incredibly rude and ungrateful though, there’s no way I would ever call or text my son to say that I didn’t like a gift they had bought me.

ContraIndicated · 24/10/2020 10:03

I think they’re kind of rubbish presents, but it’s extremely rude to comment on gifts. I’d just ignore it and get her flowers next time as that’s what she likes. If what she wants is flowers it’s also kind of rude of you to decide she has enough flowers.

Bluntness100 · 24/10/2020 10:03

it wasn’t suppose to say ‘I’m your grandson and I have autism’ and it doesn’t

I think you can see why folks made the link though, because you start off by saying your child is autistic and then the key ring has only his specific name on it, so it does look like a key ring to say her grandchild is autistic. If the autism isn’t relevant then why mention it. This could easily have just been bought my mil a key ring with x quote on, she’s a Springsteen fan, and a box of supermarket choccies, and she complained.

PotholePalace · 24/10/2020 10:04

It was a kind gift because it's building links between her and your child (I have 2 teenagers with autism so know how important this is) but I can also see why she's upset. It feels like you're slightly shifting the spotlight onto you and your child's life rather than on hers. Ironically, it's quite an autistic thing (but not always) to want the same present every time, which means as your child gets older your MIL might be quite supportive.

Dishwashersaurous · 24/10/2020 10:04

But you explication said that she said that the song reminded her of your son.

A present which is to remind someone about someone else is a pretty rubbish present because it makes it about the other person rather than the gift recipient.

Either way she didn’t feel the way about the gift that you did.

LH1987 · 24/10/2020 10:05

She is being a brat in my opinion, if someone gets you a gift just appreciate it.

That being said, I don’t get the quote and why it’s from Steven (I am obviously thick, I know!), is there an outside shot she didn’t understand it either?

AlexaShutUp · 24/10/2020 10:05

She must get the message. Because she’s been pissed before and had a little cry that this song reminds her of my son. I teared up and that moment meant a lot to me. I thought to sentimental value would mean a lot to her too sad

That's an important detail, OP, which you didn't include in your original post.Some of the responses might have been different if you had said this from the outset. The quote clearly has a resonance for her that the rest of us might get, and you'd think that would make the keyring more special for her.

I wonder if she is perhaps struggling to come to terms with your ds's diagnosis, and whether the gift was an unwelcome reminder of that when she just wanted to have a happy celebration for her birthday? I think her reaction was rude and ungrateful though.

Coffeecak3 · 24/10/2020 10:05

Your mil was rude.
Anything which references my dgs is a good gift for me.
My own mil many years ago rang up crying because her gift was so awful. I was heavily pregnant and dh had bought his dm all her favourite sweets but literally not wrapped or presented nicely. The thought was there but no common sense.
I didn't realise until later.
Her behaviour however made me determine never to act like her.
I've received some what were they thinking gifts in the past but I just put on a smile and express my thanks.
Like you though mil just got standard flowers with zero thought after that.

MaxNormal · 24/10/2020 10:05

I can't believe anyone defending MIL (although calling her an old hag is really not on), the amount of bloody awful presents I've got from my in-laws, I just smile and say thank you, surely that's what you do?

Original poster

Steppingonpegg · 24/10/2020 10:05

anditgoeson Oh that’s so sad. How dare she. Some people honestly are just behind rude and unfeeling

OP posts:

Zandathepanda · 24/10/2020 10:05

I think it’s a lovely present. I would have to write her a note and say why you thought of it (the back story of her crying to those words and your son). She’ll either realise and apologise or not.
I hate cut flowers though it’s the most impersonal gift ever.
The only thing that might be her saving grace is that those words either don’t mean anything to her or too much/something else (and she didn’t know how to react).

BessMarvin · 24/10/2020 10:06

It sounds thoughtful to me. Why on earth would someone have a strop because they didn't receive a bunch of flowers to go with their 5 other bunches?!

Even as a child I knew to pretend I liked a gift if I didn't. To actually go out of her way to let you know is so rude! And given her feelings on the song I don't get why she didn't like it anyway.

Oh well at least you know to make zero effort in future.

rainyoutside · 24/10/2020 10:07

I know OP has said that the lyrics meant something to the MIL but why did they make her think of a 3 yo with autism?

i take a look in the mirror / I want to change my clothes, my hair, my face

emilyfrost · 24/10/2020 10:07

A present which is to remind someone about someone else is a pretty rubbish present because it makes it about the other person rather than the gift recipient.

This. It’s her birthday, and as much as she will love her grandson, you don’t have to make everything about him. Her day and her present should be focused on her.

barfotoliv · 24/10/2020 10:08

A key ring is a terrible gift, and the lyrics you choose are uninspiring to me, and would make me cringe. If I was given a key ring like this, I'd bin it, and if it was from a close family member, yes, I'd be disappointed. However, I do think it was ungracious for your MIL to voice her disappointment. She should have politely thanked you and said no more. Although sometimes with a close family member, like a son, it can be hard to keep up a pretence and not say anything!

PoulePouletteEternellement · 24/10/2020 10:08

It’s a reminder that we’re all dancing in the dark in some way, trying to find our way, find our path,in this thing called life.

Oh, come on ... That 'message' is banal in the extreme. Maybe acceptable in a song, if you like the singer, but do you really think a fully grown woman needs 'reminding' of this through the medium of a key ring?

TheSeedsOfADream · 24/10/2020 10:09

@aSofaNearYou

It's ridiculously rude to complain over gifts in any case, but I don't think what she's saying makes any sense either.

I agree. This thread is strange. A grown woman wahwahs like a toddler because she didn't like her birthday present. There are a million threads a week where precious OPs are piled on for whining that their husbands didn't bring on the 21 gun salute and LV handbag for their birthday.

This OP isn't one of them. She tried to do a nice, personal thing and her MIL was a bitch.

(And I'm usually the first to defend the almost constant, yet unwarranted attacks on MILs on here)

Original poster

Steppingonpegg · 24/10/2020 10:09

rainy those aren’t the only lyrics. The overall meaning of the song is what counts really. You don’t have to nit pick at the lyrics. What’s more is I didn’t say it reminded me of DS in the first place, MIL very emotionally came out with it so I thought she’d like the gift. I thought it would be special to her.

BIL got her a framed picture of them all to put on her desk at work a few years ago and she loved that...

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 24/10/2020 10:09

@zigzagbetty

You just got her a key ring? Regardless of the message on it I think I would have a least got a bunch of supermarket flowers to go with it for her.

I've had keyrings from time to time from DGC.

They are very special. Supermarket flowers, not so much.

MiL is an ungrateful cow (even if you don't like the present you say Thank You graciously)

Let her son deal with her.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 24/10/2020 10:10

But it was a gift all about your child? About your child's special needs to be precise. So I'm not sure how that's thoughtful. Thoughtful of getting her something for her - not you.

honigbutter · 24/10/2020 10:10

Her response was rude.

Then you have the irony of a poster who criticises the rudeness of another with Rude entitled old hag.

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