To think this gift wasn’t offensive?

[Steppingonpegg]

So it’s been a hard 18 months. One of the things is DC age 3 has been diagnosed with autism. I’ve found it hard, everyone has been upset and confused but we’re getting there. I’m his biggest fan, biggest advocate of course. It’s getting easier, slowly.

I got DMIL a gift. It’s a key ring that says ‘We’re just Dancing In The Dark’. You, me, all of us. Love your Steven’ (DC isn’t actually a Steven for the record )

Anyway, MIL took it out at her birthday tea and said ‘oh’. Lovely. Then I thought nothing of it and thought she hasn’t read it properly. She’s a Springsteen fan like myself.

Got home later that evening and she’s text H to say how could nobody get her anything proper this year. Where are her usual flowers? She said ‘you know I don’t like gifts. That’s why I just say get flowers. I’m shocked you think so little of me’.

AIBU to think our gift was nice and not at all uncaring? I felt so sad she didn’t see the message behind it

She's rude! How ungrateful to go in a strop

@ClickandForget

She made one comment when she was pissed

There are a couple of songs that remind me of some really bad times, and can make me teary, but in a bad way so I'd turn them off and try to forget about it until next time somebody puts it on . .

I think this might be an aspect of what's happened here. Mil shared, when pissed, a song that makes her sad. Not happy. If anyone got me a keyring with the words of a song that was playing when my child was born disabled I would stick it in a drawer and try to forget about it. I'd hate to feel I had to keep it in a collection of others when it makes me so sad.
This is as likely a scenario as any others I've read.

I agree this is likely.

It doesn’t excuse her rudeness but it does make sense.

OP said it was happy tears

The keyring might have been special and meaningful to you but to MIL, that, with a box of Lindor, will look like you spent a tenner max. You usually get her the flowers that she asks for and a voucher for, say, Debenhams. So I can see why she thinks you haven't made an effort.

It could have been worse, I suppose - you could have got her a photo frame.

This thread shows that it's not the thought which counts but the present!

Just a reminder that the mil did also get an expensive meal out from her son.

If she doesn't like getting gifts, you need to respect that. It can feel intrusive, some people genuinely do not place value in objects depending on their upbringing and now she will feel obliged to keep it.

She shouldn't have reacted like that though. I have my own way of handling it (I just Say all presents will go straight to a charity, that helps with the majority of stuff) . However I appreciate it can be hard to let someone know "actually I don't like this please don't do it again" she won't want you to waste your time - and do you want to waste your time on something that won't be valued?

Ultimately, if someone says they don't like something - don't do it. You don't need to understand it, although it helps.
Its boring but with intimate or cultural things like presents, food, money, homes, touch and conversation topics don't take risks and just take their lead if you don't want to risk upset.

I'm quite surprised at the responses on this thread. We have one ungrateful gift receiver in our family, and she isn't a very liked person in general.

I'm shocked there're so many of them about!

However I appreciate it can be hard to let someone know "actually I don't like this please don't do it again" she won't want you to waste your time - and do you want to waste your time on something that won't be valued?

There's a difference between "actually I don't like this please don't do it again" and 'I'm shocked that you think so little of me'. It's the difference being blunt and direct, and having a tantrum. I wouldn't object to the first, even if it's not conventional manners; the second is pretty well inexcusable.

Might MIL have an alcohol problem, which might explain if not excuse some of her behaviour? I'm asking just because you mention her having become somewhat maudlin about the Springsteen song when drunk.

OP said it was happy tears

Maybe she was mistaken. Maybe they were sad tears. Only mil knows.

I think the keyring would be a nice added extra but it's a bit of an underwhelming gift if she just got that and some chocs.

I think you should have got her either flowers/voucher in addition. Or make up a big chocolate Lindor hamper type thing.

She is BU to complain - but perhaps it's better she's direct rather than moaning behind your back.

Ask her for it back swap it for a three quid bunch of flowers sod the gift card next time just dead plant it every time

@ClickandForget

OP said it was happy tears

Maybe she was mistaken. Maybe they were sad tears. Only mil knows.

You can't tell the difference between sad tears and happy tears?

You can't tell the difference between sad tears and happy tears?

When someone is drunk it can be hard to understand anything they spew, to be fair.

I agree with clickandforget. It's a great song, but the lyrics are depressing. I think it's unlikely they were happy tears she shed. Also, I would feel uncomfortable and embarrassed being reminded of getting upset and emotional when pissed.

I think she should have stuck it in a drawer and said nothing, but I don't think you thought it through very well.

@ddl1 exactt there's a huge difference and she didn't handle it well.
I wonder why so much offense was taken. Is it because she has a history of not being listened to? Is she just a dick? Or one of those people that reads too much into everything?
Very ott response

Lot of contrary dick heads on here.

She was rude.

You can't tell the difference between sad tears and happy tears?

Usually. But I've had instances of others claiming happy tears when they're not. Notably my brother when he saw my Sen DD after a 2 year gap. She was becoming more obviously disabled and it saddened him. He said he was happy to see her after so long but we both knew he had to say that. My husband bought it completely.

Who is Steven? 🤔

Btw, we had the conversation later and he confirmed he'd felt overwhelmed at the negative change. I didn't tell her dad, obvs.

I can understand her not loving it, but I think it's pretty rude of her to say so.

It's nothing offensive but it's not a good present, at the end of the day it's a keyring.

I also say to my husband that I love this song it reminds me of ... But I wouldn't want it on a keyring, I'd personally just see as tat to get rid of.

she sounds very entitled 🌺

@Idontbelieveit12

Who is Steven? 🤔

Steven Van Zandt, American singer-songwriter; worked closely with Bruce Springsteen, very significant in his life.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

This thread shows that it's not the thought which counts but the present!

Just a reminder that the mil did also get an expensive meal out from her son.

Yes.

She was ungracious in her receipt of the gift but probably didn't understand what it was about.

I'm sure it will blow over and eventually she might feel a bit silly for reacting as she did.

We had it drummed into us from when we were tiny to accept gifts gracefully, regardless of whether the gift was 'wanted' or not.

Your MIL sounds rather tactless but I suppose a key king is a slightly odd gift (just my opinion though!)