To think this gift wasn’t offensive?

[Steppingonpegg]

So it’s been a hard 18 months. One of the things is DC age 3 has been diagnosed with autism. I’ve found it hard, everyone has been upset and confused but we’re getting there. I’m his biggest fan, biggest advocate of course. It’s getting easier, slowly.

I got DMIL a gift. It’s a key ring that says ‘We’re just Dancing In The Dark’. You, me, all of us. Love your Steven’ (DC isn’t actually a Steven for the record )

Anyway, MIL took it out at her birthday tea and said ‘oh’. Lovely. Then I thought nothing of it and thought she hasn’t read it properly. She’s a Springsteen fan like myself.

Got home later that evening and she’s text H to say how could nobody get her anything proper this year. Where are her usual flowers? She said ‘you know I don’t like gifts. That’s why I just say get flowers. I’m shocked you think so little of me’.

AIBU to think our gift was nice and not at all uncaring? I felt so sad she didn’t see the message behind it

@Steppingonpegg

DH is off to the shops this morning to drop some flowers at her step. He said he won’t be chatting, just knocking and leaving.

He says she’s a piss taker for stropping and all she’s getting going forward is a £10 bunch from Tesco. He did text back to say she was ungrateful and I’d been excited to give her the gift. She didn’t reply, left him on read

So there has been mixed expectations and disappointment on both sides and now your DH is just going to leave flowers on the door and not speak to his mum? Even just to acknowledge what has happened and agree to move on.

Your DH sounds lovely

@HeddaGarbled

DH is off to the shops this morning to drop some flowers at her step. He said he won’t be chatting, just knocking and leaving

That’s mean and childish.

So is she so why not give her a taste of her own medicine 🤷‍♀️

Witches She has pictures of all her grandchildren on her keys, just not DS or the new baby

She’s a stroppy ungrateful mare. Texting to say she’s disappointed is a dick move. Seriously, garage last minute flowers next time and yes, definitely leave it to your dh.

If I'm really honest, I don't think she was being unreasonable to be disappointed with a keyring - I'm not sure that I'd be thrilled with that gift, though I'm not a Springsteen fan, so maybe that makes a difference. If she usually gets flowers and a voucher, I can understand why a keyring and some very ordinary chocolates might seem like you hadn't made much of an effort.

That said, I think she was really unreasonable to say anything about her disappointment to your dh. It's really rude and ungracious to complain about a present, and she should have kept her feelings to herself.

I get that you thought you had chosen a special, thoughtful gift after a difficult year, so it must hurt to have that rejected. Just put it down to experience and go with flowers and a voucher next year!

It's interesting. When a woman posts here about being disappointed with a "rubbish gift" her partner has given her she told to say something, that her partner is crap and basically given support. However, when it's about a MIL, she's a "Rude, entitled old hag!" 😂

Isn't a gift, just a gift? No one should have expectations or requirements. You don't have to buy anyone anything! I dont understand why she wouldn't just be grateful for the thought

My partner also does thoughtful gifts but the problem is a lot of it is lost on other people and means the gift doesnt work.

As an example she bought me a gift i once mentioned in passing, looked At where it would go and chose something that complimented that, googled lots of things about picking an ethical source, and got it in a special material. What i unwrapped was a tealight.

When i unwrapped it what i saw was a tealight, all that thinking was lost on me. I now appreciate more after she explainined it to me, but a tealight just doesnt have any meaning for me

Your mil probably doesnt understand why you chose this lyric, or find meaning in a expensive key ring. A key ring is probably just a key ring to her so she probably sees this the same as a regular key ring

I don’t understand why you thought a key ring which would remind her about her grandsons autism was a suitable present?

Actually she could have just not said anything about it.

But instead she was brave enough to tell you that she was upset and to remind you both that she likes flowers

@Steppingonpegg

Thanks. I really thought she’d like it and appreciate the words

I think you are obviously and rightly very swept up by all of this but this is more about you than her birthday .

Very rude in my opinion.
Even though isn't wasn't what she wanted or expected, it's really shitty manners to not say Thankyou.
Can understand why you're annoyed OP

And my last thought is yes it was a bit rude of her to say anything but also she said it to your dh not you and he didn’t need to tell you. He could have just explained and then left it. You had already seen it didn’t go down as well as expected. I think she missed the sentiment and just saw a key ring which isn’t much really.

Those saying just get cheap flowers next time are being ridiculous and mean. Why not just her what she likes. Why does it have to be crap. Gift giving is about doing something nice for someone not a point scoring game.

Hmm, please don’t take this as rude but do you think the problem was you made her birthday about your son?

I wouldn’t personally be arsed, but as someone who has recently had people forget my milestone birthday due to various and understandable things, it does sting a bit TBH.

I don’t understand why you thought a key ring which would remind her about her grandsons autism was a suitable present?

That isn’t what it’s suppose to do at all. It’s a reminder that we’re all dancing in the dark in some way, trying to find our way, find our path,in this thing called life. It wasn’t suppose to say ‘I’m your grandson and I have autism’ and it doesn’t.

It was rude of her to say something, she should have just been gracious.

But equally it’s her birthday, and you’ve said you know she likes what she likes and you deviated from that on her birthday. You should have got her a bunch of flowers as well; sentiment isn’t for everyone.

I think it’s very rude and entitled to complain about a gift.

Yes a key ring and a box of Lindt chocolates is a bit of a shit gift, but she shouldn’t have said anything, just accept with grace, as it’s the thought that counts.

I think your husband is escalating it by dropping a bunch of supermarket flowers off, I guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree with the immature petty behaviour.

(But yes, the use of the term old hag reflects more shamefully on the user than on the woman so described ...)

I can't imagine my parents every stropping that they didn't like a present I have sent them. I can't imagine them stropping if I completely forgot to get them anything at all. I would give my children grief if they thought it was an acceptable way to behave.
I do recall my husband getting a telling off from his dad one year. His dads wife had a big party after her actual birthday and my husband thought he could just hand over the gift and card that day (which is what our kids do at their friends parties) - this was not acceptable. I like his family, but if they wanted to teach him manners, perhaps they could have done it when he was younger! (His normal manners are fine. His gift giving etiquette is a bit off, but usually he overshoots massively, no one minds that. Occasionally he undershoots, I try and give him a nudge. I failed on that occasion!)

And as I said before, she was the one to get happy tears and announce to me this song makes me think of DS!

What did you DH do for his Mums birthday - what did he give her.

The present you gave seems to be from your son (and by extension you). Then there are lots of I when explaining what usually happens.

So where is he is all of this - the person she texted? What did he do for his mums birthday

I don’t understand why you thought a key ring which would remind her about her grandsons autism was a suitable present?

Surely the grandson's autism is part of who he is - the OP shouldn't have to hide that away!

I always get her flowers usually. Have never ever not. Usually also get her a voucher for her favourite department store too, which goes down well. It wasn’t ‘just a key ring’

Regardless of the cost it is just a key ring. It’s something that would be additional add on gift not an instead of a voucher and flowers gift. Yes she was rude to say it but I really do understand why she is so upset.

@Steppingonpegg

She must get the message. Because she’s been pissed before and had a little cry that this song reminds her of my son. I teared up and that moment meant a lot to me. I thought to sentimental value would mean a lot to her too

Yes it wasn’t flowers but it was probably worth more. SIL got her a cheap bunch from Asda and they went down very well with a big ‘these are lovely!’ At least

So you got her a keyring featuring lyrics that make her cry?

It’s not the best gift really, is it.

My first thought was poor MIL when I realised that she’d been given a key ring for her birthday. I’m not surprised she was disappointed.

That said, she should have kept her disappointment to herself.

@Steppingonpegg

And as I said before, she was the one to get happy tears and announce to me this song makes me think of DS!

Exactly. And it’s HER birthday. I wouldn’t have done it myself personally but I have to admit that I do sometimes inwardly eye roll at people who bring everything around to their own DCs. That’s not a criticism either OP, it’s very common.