To think this gift wasn’t offensive?

[Steppingonpegg]

So it’s been a hard 18 months. One of the things is DC age 3 has been diagnosed with autism. I’ve found it hard, everyone has been upset and confused but we’re getting there. I’m his biggest fan, biggest advocate of course. It’s getting easier, slowly.

I got DMIL a gift. It’s a key ring that says ‘We’re just Dancing In The Dark’. You, me, all of us. Love your Steven’ (DC isn’t actually a Steven for the record )

Anyway, MIL took it out at her birthday tea and said ‘oh’. Lovely. Then I thought nothing of it and thought she hasn’t read it properly. She’s a Springsteen fan like myself.

Got home later that evening and she’s text H to say how could nobody get her anything proper this year. Where are her usual flowers? She said ‘you know I don’t like gifts. That’s why I just say get flowers. I’m shocked you think so little of me’.

AIBU to think our gift was nice and not at all uncaring? I felt so sad she didn’t see the message behind it

How is buying a nice box of Lindor offensive, more offensive than flowers? Again, I'm not getting these responses at all. One personal gift (which perhaps wasn't to her taste but no biggie) and one box of choccies.

Sounds perfect. In her quest to 'get what she wanted' she has managed to upset her DIL and her own son. Way to go!

How is a key ring any worse or less thoughtful than just a bunch of flowers? It would suggest to me that you'd actually thought more about my gift than if you had just nipped into Tesco on the way to my house for some flowers.

I wouldn't bother getting her anything again, leave it to DH.

I would never, in a million years, even if I thought like your brat of a MIL, say anything about this. I'd thank you for the gift and move on.

How rude.

I think it's rude she said anything actually.

What your DH did was petty and childish. Why don’t you say you will take the keyring back and get her something she likes instead. You clearly would love to keep it.

Still don’t understand why her present had to be about your son’s autism.

I'd love a nice keyring, mine is old and falling to bits. I suppose I'd better buy myself one.

The message made it special, nobody with manners demands a present.

Give me a key ring with thought and meaning behind it over something “better” any day.

I say she’s ungrateful (but hey, we all are at times), but much was was how rude her response was.

You basically gave her the present you would like to receive.

@Steppingonpegg

Dish Because she loves the song and connected it to DS, to everyone really? I like it too, it has a great meaning. A very bitter sweet song that I just love, she loves even more. She’s a bigger fan. And came up with the connection in the first place.

How isn’t that a thoughtful gift?

Because it’s all about your son, and not her. It’s her birthday.

Sigh, the present wasn’t just about my sons autism or my son. It serves as a reminder, again as I said before, that we’re all ‘dancing in the dark’ in the way she’s said before to me, her own words. And my son saying this on a key ring, the most obvious person dancing in the dark, was a nice sentiment.

If she was pissed when she said that, is it possible she doesn't remember the moment?

Even though you do, it might have just been drunken sentimentality?

Why don’t you say you will take the keyring back and get her something she likes instead. You clearly would love to keep it

Because she's a complainer. It's all just attention seeking complaining. She complains you don't tell her enough, don't call enough, don't buy her the right present.

I would shut this down immediately. It's outrageously rude. Negative complaining people are a drain to be around and you won't ever please them.

I never even knew you could complain about a present, I was always brought up that the only acceptable response was 'thank you' with a big smile!

But it’s all about your son.

I can just about understand if it were a key ring for your son.

However, this is her birthday so I still don’t get it.

And actually thinking about it. I can’t understand and maybe she is the same. So she hasn’t in any way understood why you thought it was a thoughtful gift.

Maybe you should explain to her your thinking so that she at least knows that you were coming from a good place

@AdriannaP

You basically gave her the present you would like to receive.

This too.

You gave her what you’d like. Not what she would like.

My ex used to buy me a plant every year on my birthday/Christmas/Mother’s Day when the kids were small and he was in charge of the choosing because that’s what he liked. I don’t like plants. I will never remember water them (single parent, working full time and didn’t have the headspace) and I used to get so angry and upset. It was not what I wanted. I dropped hints after hints but he never changed what he bought.

Eventually thank goodness the kids took over and bought me a bunch of flowers. Which I much preferred.

Well she clearly didn’t like it/appreciate it no matter how much you try and justify it to yourself/us. So are you going to start a family fight over your silly keyring now? Or be the bigger person and give her flowers and not just drop them off like a stroppy toddler?

Lindor type chocolates are very generic. Our work secret Santa last year, I could see around 8 presents that were that distinctive shape.
And I have had one key ring my entire life. One doesn't need more!
I'd find it a very meh gift fir a birthday from a close family member

I looked up the lyrics of the song and to be honest I’m a bit I get your mil said it reminded her of your son but I think it’s a bit odd. However I get it was a nice gesture

Agree with others the gift is for the receiver and you know what she likes so just stick to that

She was rude tho and I would leave your husband to buy future gifts

I think some of the responses here are a bit harsh. Clearly, the OP shared a "moment" with her MIL over the Springsteen song and thought that they had bonded over that. She then wanted to give her MIL a gift that reminded her of that shared experience/emotion or whatever.

Yes, it misfired. Yes, in hindsight, maybe a keyring wasn't the best gift, but the OP's heart was in the right place and she tried to do something that her MIL would find meaningful. Some of the shitty comments simply aren't called for.

I'm really surprised she reacted like that because we all get gifts that we don't see the point of at times but, if we know the person, we realise they are kindly meant and thank them. I feel a bit hurt on your behalf.

As suggested, get your husband to explain it and try to put it to the back of your mind. It was a nice thought. x

Who complains about presents though? I mean what type of person gets something and then texts their adult child to moan they wanted something else? When they know the family have been having a hard time? It's not acceptable behaviour. The Op doesn't need to be the bigger person, she needs to hand all responsibility for presents to her son, and then to leave them to it. Did the complaining result in them all feeling closer and more unified as a family? Make your child feel more supported. No, then why on earth would you do it.

You can't win

Some people prefer a random bunch of cheap flowers hastily grabbed from the supermarket or garage on the way

as opposed to something thoughtful you took time to chose and have made.

I must be lucky, I don't know anyone, parent or grand-parent, who wouldn't be delighted to have something child-related and would be miffed that the birthday would not be "about them but about the child". I mean, WFT

I thing its a thoughtful gift and she's incredibly rude. Who the fuck phones to give off about a present they don't like?

While I wouldn't have been rude enough to say anything, I would have been pretty underwhelmed by a keyring as a present TBH.

I'm genuinely surprised at these replies.

Is it just my family that would like something sentimental any day than a bunch of shit flowers?

Even if it were 'all about my son' (which it's not if the MIL has expressly said she loves this song) my mum would love something like that and she'd be really touched whether it cost £3 or £50. She certainly would never complain about it.

I can't imagine being so entitled that I'd act this way over a gift nor the way some posters here have acted either!

Surely the grandson's autism is part of who he is - the OP shouldn't have to hide that away

Of course not, no one has suggested such a thing, but that’s very different to getting someone a birthday gift with a key ring about it.

Op, you say it wasn’t about your child’s autism but your subsequent posts indicate that’s exactly what it was, and that’s what the song means to your mil.

I think you tried really hard to do something sweet, and got all excited about it, but possibly it was ill thought through. She now has a key ring that basically reminds her her grandson has autism every time she looks at it. And as you know there is more to your son than his autism. He is so much more.

However on saying that, even if it made her uncomfortable she should have just kept her mouth shut.

I get it - you got her a gift specifically from her Grandchild - so she should have been pleased just because of that regardless of the bigger picture.

I think your husband needs to explain the significance of the gift - or at least what you were trying to do - then move on .