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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this gift wasn’t offensive?

358 replies

Steppingonpegg · 24/10/2020 09:27

So it’s been a hard 18 months. One of the things is DC age 3 has been diagnosed with autism. I’ve found it hard, everyone has been upset and confused but we’re getting there. I’m his biggest fan, biggest advocate of course. It’s getting easier, slowly.

I got DMIL a gift. It’s a key ring that says ‘We’re just Dancing In The Dark’. You, me, all of us. Love your Steven’ (DC isn’t actually a Steven for the record Grin )

Anyway, MIL took it out at her birthday tea and said ‘oh’. Lovely. Then I thought nothing of it and thought she hasn’t read it properly. She’s a Springsteen fan like myself.

Got home later that evening and she’s text H to say how could nobody get her anything proper this year. Where are her usual flowers? She said ‘you know I don’t like gifts. That’s why I just say get flowers. I’m shocked you think so little of me’.

AIBU to think our gift was nice and not at all uncaring? I felt so sad she didn’t see the message behind it Sad

OP posts:
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 24/10/2020 11:59

Complaining about a gift to the giver is never, ever acceptable.

And dropping flowers around to her will give her the message that she was justified. I really don't think your OH should go round with flowers.

northstars · 24/10/2020 12:00

How rude and hurtful to complain. I’m so sorry for you, OP. I would happily ignore MIL’s birthday from now on and leave it to DH.

Poppingnostopping · 24/10/2020 12:00

Don't buy her flowers! She complained to your husband, let him step forward and manage her gifts and expectations going forward. Christmas is already going to be less stressful!

I don't think supermarket flowers are cheap and nasty mind you, I love things like the orchids they sell and they keep going for years. I bet a million dollars if you'd written I bought my MIL some flowers from a supermarket and she's crying you would have been similarly pilloried.

Trialanderror02 · 24/10/2020 12:00

Wow I can’t get over these posts !
If this was a post about kids - and someone posted about their child not liking their gift from an uncle etc there would be comments of raising a spoilt brat etc

ImMoana · 24/10/2020 12:01

I think people are being unnecessarily cruel. It’s upsetting when you put a lot of thought into a gift and it goes unappreciated. Worse still when the recipient complains!

I wouldn’t have put the flowers on her doorstep because it feels like you are agreeing the gift was rubbish and it wasn’t. It just obviously didn’t have the impact you thought it would.

I wonder if there is more to this, given the comments about the MiL not having photos of OP’s children on her key rings and appreciating gifts other then flowers from the BiL (the framed photo for example). Feels a bit like a personal slight against OP’s family.

AngryFeminist · 24/10/2020 12:12

I don't get this at all! Even if you don't like a gift, sending a message to your son saying it was crap is horrible and ungrateful - in your case you got her something you put thought into and really thought she'd like. If she doesn't then fair enough but if the worst thing you can say about a family member is they missed the mark on a present then really, you should have a word with yourself!

Kokeshi123 · 24/10/2020 12:19

Hmmmm... I always try to pretend to be delighted with a gift because what else can you say? Privately though, a key ring would be a crappy gift for me, especially if I'd already said I'd prefer flowers. I don't want more random bits of plastic (even expensive ones) around my place. They just gather dust and I have to find somewhere to put them. If she has said specifically that she "does not like gifts," I am guessing she also is pretty anti-clutter and prefers consumables like flowers.

Danni91 · 24/10/2020 12:23

Oh OP, I'm sorry your gift didnt go as expected.

I havent read the whole thread but context... how would you feel about this

My son turned 10, my sister gifted him a picture of him holding her new (first) baby.

My son though he did say thank you at the time later asked me

'Mum why did auntie get me a picture of her baby for my gift?'

And really, tho i never told him this its because people are selfish.
The key ring may have made a nice addition to a christmas gift but in my opinion birthdays are about 1 person.

Birthdays you tend to get what people want and like, we are celebrating them. Not grandkids, siblings or spouses.

I was once gifted a 'joint' gift on MY birthday that was really for my other half 'thought you guys would enjoy this!'

I like booze, vouchers, chocolate and specific stuff ill ask for if i want it.

Christmas is more of a 'saw this thought of you!' Type deal.

KatieGGGG · 24/10/2020 12:26

Complaining about a gift is shit.

Giving someone a key ring that’s about their grandson’s autism as a birthday present is shit too, sorry.

It was obviously a moment that meant a lot to you and perhaps to her too, but it’s really not birthday present material you could have given her it separately.

Justnotme · 24/10/2020 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 24/10/2020 12:31

@Danni91

Oh OP, I'm sorry your gift didnt go as expected.

I havent read the whole thread but context... how would you feel about this

My son turned 10, my sister gifted him a picture of him holding her new (first) baby.

My son though he did say thank you at the time later asked me

'Mum why did auntie get me a picture of her baby for my gift?'

And really, tho i never told him this its because people are selfish.
The key ring may have made a nice addition to a christmas gift but in my opinion birthdays are about 1 person.

Birthdays you tend to get what people want and like, we are celebrating them. Not grandkids, siblings or spouses.

I was once gifted a 'joint' gift on MY birthday that was really for my other half 'thought you guys would enjoy this!'

I like booze, vouchers, chocolate and specific stuff ill ask for if i want it.

Christmas is more of a 'saw this thought of you!' Type deal.

I would have taken this as an opportunity to say that birthdays aren't always about toys and isn't that a nice gift from a member of the family who loves you and wants to show you how much she loves you.

The world is commercialised enough let's not allow children to think they're entitled to tat that will be barely used and go to landfill

GlummyMcGlummerson · 24/10/2020 12:33

@Danni91 ignore my post, I thought you said that your sister got him a picture of her and your son together, and he mistook it for being her baby 🤦🏼‍♀️ sorry. That is a shit gift (though I do think kids are too attuned to getting crappy toys)

UsernameSpoosername · 24/10/2020 12:36

YANBU, the key ring sounds lovely BUT even if she didn’t think so, act like an adult ffs. If the best she was expecting was a bunch of flowers she’s hardly missed out on much has she? Tell her to shove a Lindt ball in her mouth & lighten up.

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 24/10/2020 12:38

Some of these responses are shocking.

OP, you made the effort to make a personal gift. Your MIL also got a nice meal and her favourite chocolates. How lucky she was. A gift should not be an obligation, with an attitude like that, she’s lucky she got what she did. Flowers are from people who have no imagination.

Before I met my DH, his family did not exchange cards. When MIL got a Mother’s Day card it was the first she had ever had, because I bought it and sent it from both of us. A few years later, my FIL called at the house, ignored me, and took my DH out fir a drive and ‘a chat’. Turns out he had been sent to deliver the message of how upset and offended MIL was. What had happened was that I had been in hospital with pre-eclampsia, DH had been working away and on his way home, so I got two Mothers Day cards from the hospital shop and wrote the names and addresses of both mums and posted my mum’s (she lived a distance away). DH got to hospital earlier than I had thought so he took MILs card, picked up some chocolates and dropped them off to her. The complaint being delivered by FIL was that she had been angry and offended that her name in full (Mrs A Surname) rather than ‘Mum’. My DH tried to explain that it was going to be posted but to no avail.
From that day I never wrote another card. Not for any occasion. I did buy them at the same time I got ones for my family - it wasn’t my DHs fault after all! - but he had to write them and deliver them. We can only respond to what we are given.
OP if your gift giving is so unappreciated, don’t do it anymore.

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 24/10/2020 12:40

Oh, before I get criticised! - I meant that flowers can sometimes be from people who just buy a gift because they have no imagination or just take the easy way out. That’s not to say they aren’t appreciated - I don’t get them often so I always love them.

stickystick · 24/10/2020 12:49

I’d be a bit meh about a keyring personally. Unless I really really needed one, and even then I don’t think I’d want one for my birthday.

Also, I wonder if this is about more than the present. Your DS’s autism diagnosis must have been a shock for the whole family, and will have been a very big deal for you. Does she feel overlooked? Does she feel like everything for you has become about your son?

Nanny0gg · 24/10/2020 12:53

@stickystick

I’d be a bit meh about a keyring personally. Unless I really really needed one, and even then I don’t think I’d want one for my birthday.

Also, I wonder if this is about more than the present. Your DS’s autism diagnosis must have been a shock for the whole family, and will have been a very big deal for you. Does she feel overlooked? Does she feel like everything for you has become about your son?

If a grown adult (grandmother) feels overlooked because her grandchild has autism then she's a piss-poor excuse for a human being, frankly.
andannabegins · 24/10/2020 13:04

I think it is really thoughtful. If someone had given me something with a quote from one of my favourite songs that they had realised meant a lot to me I would have loved it xx

JennyMcLenny · 24/10/2020 13:06

MIL very emotionally came out with it so I thought she’d like the gift

But you also said she was pissed at the time so maybe doesn't remember and just sees a key ring with lyrics on it that could be taken out of context?

ancientgran · 24/10/2020 13:07

If a grown adult (grandmother) feels overlooked because her grandchild has autism then she's a piss-poor excuse for a human being, frankly. Couldn't agree more.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 24/10/2020 13:08

@stickystick

I’d be a bit meh about a keyring personally. Unless I really really needed one, and even then I don’t think I’d want one for my birthday.

Also, I wonder if this is about more than the present. Your DS’s autism diagnosis must have been a shock for the whole family, and will have been a very big deal for you. Does she feel overlooked? Does she feel like everything for you has become about your son?

OFGS. Is the MIL 6 years old? If she really feels jealous of attention being paid to her grandson due to his diagnosis then she is even more batshit crazy.
DaffyDaffy · 24/10/2020 13:15

@sohypnotic

I think it's a lovely gift, and know my DM would appreciate something like this. What a brat to even bring it up. I would reply to her 'Yes we think so little of you that we spent time and money having a gift created that was deeply personal to our family - and we hoped that included you - instead of grabbing a generic meaningless bunch of flowers. We're sorry the gift is unappreciated, feel free to give it back in exchange for something less special'
I 100% agree with this ^

It was personalised, well thought-out and meaningful. A special gift.

I can’t believe so many turning their noses up at such a lovely sentiment, actually.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 24/10/2020 13:15

Ever heard of ‘masking when it comes to autism?

Yes, but not by newly diagnosed 3-year-olds.

PhilSwagielka · 24/10/2020 13:17

I think key rings are a bit lame BUT you meant well and she was very rude. She could have at least been polite.

randomer · 24/10/2020 13:18

Put the autism to one side....a 60 plus woman sulks because she didn't get her desired gift.

Get a bloody life. Visit a poor area of town, volunteer, do something productive with your time.