To think this gift wasn’t offensive?

[Steppingonpegg]

So it’s been a hard 18 months. One of the things is DC age 3 has been diagnosed with autism. I’ve found it hard, everyone has been upset and confused but we’re getting there. I’m his biggest fan, biggest advocate of course. It’s getting easier, slowly.

I got DMIL a gift. It’s a key ring that says ‘We’re just Dancing In The Dark’. You, me, all of us. Love your Steven’ (DC isn’t actually a Steven for the record )

Anyway, MIL took it out at her birthday tea and said ‘oh’. Lovely. Then I thought nothing of it and thought she hasn’t read it properly. She’s a Springsteen fan like myself.

Got home later that evening and she’s text H to say how could nobody get her anything proper this year. Where are her usual flowers? She said ‘you know I don’t like gifts. That’s why I just say get flowers. I’m shocked you think so little of me’.

AIBU to think our gift was nice and not at all uncaring? I felt so sad she didn’t see the message behind it

MIL was certainly extremely rude to complain about her present.... but I do think it’s rather an odd present to give because, whether you meant it this way or not, it does draw attention to your child’s autism. Almost as if it says “To Grandma. I am different from your other grandchildren. Love Steven”.

My DS1 also has autism. Three out of the four grandparents struggled with his diagnosis and with him being different for literally years. I wonder if your MIL is struggling too and the quote was a bit much for her when she wasn’t expecting it?

if this was a post about kids

But its not, its about an adult living in affluence in the UK who has seen her arse about a fucking key ring.

Make sure dh sorts his side in future, saves a lot of hassle.
Neither me or dh have bought for the other side of the family, it's not worth it.
You know your own family much better.

I would appreciate you gift OP. I actually love little personal things like this. Lyrics that I like, and love from my grandson, and you say is silver. So you can take that everywhere with you. I put keyrings that I particularly like on my handbag's zip.
She did also get flowers....what is the ppint of having more?
And the chocs!
Let your husband explain that you got it because of the lyrics, and her grandson's name. And that is good quality and see if she comes around.
She is being ungrateful so far

She was not wrong to feel a bit underwhelmed about her present, but she should have seethed inside, rather than complain.
I can't understand why you wouldn't just give her the same sort of thing as usual, and then give the key ring as a little present from your son, because I think she probably was wondering where her proper present from her son and you was.

Ahhh, I think the keyring sounds lovely! Especially if it came in nice presentation box etc. Of course none of us really need new keyrings but this one was obviously special and I can totally see where you were coming from. My sister loves George Michael and last Christmas I got her a cool arty GM tea towel which she was delighted with and has framed. A tea towel! She got me a set of pencils with Michelle Obama quotations. I obviously don't need a set of pencils but I bloody love them. I have them on display in a pot and they make me smile. That's what gift giving is about surely. Nice meaningful things. If I got my sister a nice looking keyring with a GM quotation I think she would laugh and love it! She could look at it everyday when doing mundane key opening type stuff. Even if someone's not into sentimental type gifts like this, surely they could see that it was meant as a lovely gesture. My mum likes a practical gift but if I gave her something like this she would never complain (although she might chuckle a little bit and say "Lovely darling!" in a slightly unconvincing way but that would be ok as it would be good natured). I understand why you are hurt. As an aside, my son is also ASD and I remember well the heightened emotions the year he was diagnosed and how there were many emotional moments with the family as we gathered around each other. I can see that the keyring was meant as a message of acknowledgment for her support and love for your son thoughtfully connected to a music artist that she loves. How lovely!

I dont mean this to be mean but the gift seems more about your son than her and it is her birthday. A person's birthday should be about them and that gift is not a suitable birthday gift imo.

What a self centered person she is op. She behaved like a spoilt brat!! you have far bigger issues to deal with than her childishness. From now on ger her cheap flowers or nothing.
A grown adult, crying over a present whilst her son and his family is dealing with a new diagnosis of her own grandchild. She should be so ashamed of herself really.
You did NOTHING wrong.

It was childish for her to complain, especially when she already had loads of flowers.

A key ring and a box of Lindor isn’t a very big present but I don’t know your financial circumstances. Plus, it’s unlikely that she’d have understood the words.

Hope things get better. My children are aspies, as am I and most of the family x

I can't understand why you wouldn't just give her the same sort of thing as usual, and then give the keyring as a little present from your son, because I think she was probably wondering where her proper present from her son and you was

Because usually when someone says they don't like presents, it's because for whatever reason they actually don't want big "proper" presents. What they usually get her is flowers, which personally I wouldn't consider a larger or more proper gift than a keyring. I certainly wouldn't have thought twice about substituting one for the other, especially if I knew she would get flowers from several other people.

I don't understand people that say they don't want gifts as though they are easy going and don't want people to have to fuss, but are then extremely fussy and entitled about what people do/don't get them. Just don't tell people you don't want gifts, if you want people to make a fuss of you.

I would be delighted with chocolates as a present, 'meh' about a keyring.

If she explicitly said in advance that she just wanted flowers, I could understand her being mildly peeved at having her wishes disregarded, though it's rude of her to say so. Otherwise, it's extremely rude of her.

I think that to some extent this issue represents the clash between people who like presents to be surprises, and those who prefer to be able to control and predict what they get. Neither of these are right or wrong.

But what gets me more is the attitude that you show how much or how little you think of someone by giving them the right gift. If she had said, bluntly and directly, 'Thanks for your present, but really for the future please only give me flowers; I don't want more stuff' - well, that's not straight out of Miss Manners' advice, but it would be doing you a favour in a way, by making her wants clear and preventing you from spending time and money on things that won't be appreciated.

But to respond to any gift, with 'I'm shocked that you think so little of me', unless there is a massive backstory, is in itself shockingly nasty.

Key rings aren't always shit presents.

OP clearly thought about something MIL likes (Bruce Springsteen), a particular song which had relevance for both of them. The fact that it was engraved on a key ring is neither here nor there.

It's a personal choice thing, I gave my dad an engraved key ring with the grandkids names on last Christmas, he talks about it almost everytime we see him.

All those people who are slating the OPs choice and justifying the behaviour of MIL are doing what MN is known best for. Being vipers for no good reason.

OP, clearly she's on a different page from you. Supermarket flowers next time as clearly that's what she likes

OP, from one ASD mum to another, I totally understand the gift and I think it’s lovely!!!

It’s a song SHE has connected to your DS, it’s a song SHE happily told you about. SIBVVU to react like this, whether it’s a naff gift or not!!!

A key ring is quite a shit present. You’ve enough people telling you that to see where MIL is coming from.

That’s not to say she wasn’t rude to text your DH.

I think giving her a key ring about your son (which it was) when she already has all of her grandchildren represented in key rings was less about her and more about you.

If I was DH I wouldn’t be dropping off flowers. I’d just make sure from here on in that’s all she got.

A keyring..... for a present....

Uh....facepalm

@ArchieStar

OP, from one ASD mum to another, I totally understand the gift and I think it’s lovely!!!

It’s a song SHE has connected to your DS, it’s a song SHE happily told you about. SIBVVU to react like this, whether it’s a naff gift or not!!!

OP doesn’t even know if MIL has made the connection!

She made one comment when she was pissed.

She sounds awful and really rude.

How times have changed.

When I was a kid all grandparents got weird presents that either represented a grandchild, was made or selected by a grandchild. And, regardless of just how crap, tatty and easily breakable that gift was, the ONLY response was thank you!

OP tried to give a grandparent a present that reflected something that grandparent had said before, about a grandchild. A personal thing. And the fully grown adult grandparent whimpered and complained?!?!?!

Fuck that! And if I was her DH I'd be leaving cheap garage flowers on the doorstep for a week!

@aSofaNearYou

I can't understand why you wouldn't just give her the same sort of thing as usual, and then give the keyring as a little present from your son, because I think she was probably wondering where her proper present from her son and you was

Because usually when someone says they don't like presents, it's because for whatever reason they actually don't want big "proper" presents. What they usually get her is flowers, which personally I wouldn't consider a larger or more proper gift than a keyring. I certainly wouldn't have thought twice about substituting one for the other, especially if I knew she would get flowers from several other people.

I don't understand people that say they don't want gifts as though they are easy going and don't want people to have to fuss, but are then extremely fussy and entitled about what people do/don't get them. Just don't tell people you don't want gifts, if you want people to make a fuss of you.

They normally give a gift voucher for her favourite shop as well.

Some people would rather have vouchers than actual gifts, so they can get something they'll actually use/wear.

Aww OP, you probably meant well but maybe you are quite focused on your own experience and headspace at the moment, which is completely understandable.

Such a 'profound' message on a keyring is maybe a bit heavy. How has your MIL taken to your son's diagnosis? She might be worried about him and the keyring a constant reminder of his potential difficulties?

Have you never been hurt when someone you thought you were close to gave you a completely thoughtless gift?

Never. I have very occasionally been a bit hurt if people gave me gifts that appeared to be deliberately focussed on making me change in some way (e.g. very frilly dresses that I would never wear, which seemed to be a hint that I ought to wear such dresses). But it hasn't happened in many years. Otherwise - I might find some gifts uninteresting or even a nuisance; but I would never take the quality of a gift as the measure of how much or little they think of me. And even if I did, I wouldn't say so.

U won't win on Mumsnet ... don't try.

For what it's worth I think it's a lovely gift, I much prefer something personalised that is well thought out. Totally get why u are disappointed she stropped over it!!

My advice .,, Let it go - u won't win with ur MIL either so better taking ur DH lead and getting her some crappy flowers and be done with it!

She made one comment when she was pissed

There are a couple of songs that remind me of some really bad times, and can make me teary, but in a bad way so I'd turn them off and try to forget about it until next time somebody puts it on . .

I think this might be an aspect of what's happened here. Mil shared, when pissed, a song that makes her sad. Not happy. If anyone got me a keyring with the words of a song that was playing when my child was born disabled I would stick it in a drawer and try to forget about it. I'd hate to feel I had to keep it in a collection of others when it makes me so sad.
This is as likely a scenario as any others I've read.

Sorry OP but I don't think it reflects any better on your DP to be having the tantrum he is and taking the attitude towards her over a keyring.

I don't think anyone here is struggling to understand that you think the gift is deeply personal and thoughtful, they are simply saying that they don't agree or wouldn't want it. Not wanting something someone else thinks its the bees knees is not always the same us being 'ungrateful'. I wouldn't really want a key ring, silver or not, I find that sort of stuff a bit naff and would rather in all honesty have a gift voucher and buy myself something. Equally receiving nothing is fine.

In part i hate getting things like that because i feel bad the person has ultimately wasted their money for nought.

She has made a bit of a show of it yes but sometimes these things just get to us don't they. I would just seek to move on from it and not be at home plotting to get her even less next time and making her feel small to show her a lesson like your DP, whilst criticising her attitude for being immature. All of it seems very over the top in its entirety.

Complaining about a gift you've been given is bad form and obnoxious no matter what the circumstances, no matter what the gift, no exceptions. I endured this from MIL for years until I finally gave up and stopped giving her gifts. She always complained to her son, my husband, just as you've described OP. Bitchy.