To think this gift wasn’t offensive?

[Steppingonpegg]

So it’s been a hard 18 months. One of the things is DC age 3 has been diagnosed with autism. I’ve found it hard, everyone has been upset and confused but we’re getting there. I’m his biggest fan, biggest advocate of course. It’s getting easier, slowly.

I got DMIL a gift. It’s a key ring that says ‘We’re just Dancing In The Dark’. You, me, all of us. Love your Steven’ (DC isn’t actually a Steven for the record )

Anyway, MIL took it out at her birthday tea and said ‘oh’. Lovely. Then I thought nothing of it and thought she hasn’t read it properly. She’s a Springsteen fan like myself.

Got home later that evening and she’s text H to say how could nobody get her anything proper this year. Where are her usual flowers? She said ‘you know I don’t like gifts. That’s why I just say get flowers. I’m shocked you think so little of me’.

AIBU to think our gift was nice and not at all uncaring? I felt so sad she didn’t see the message behind it

I think it is just a difference in what you like isn't it? To me a keyring could never be a treasured gift, it's just a keyring no matter what it is made of. Other people love that kind of thing. It's the same with all those engraved gift type things, some people love them and find them meaningful to other people they are just tat.
Personally, if I received something I though was tat I would just smile and pretend I thought it was lovely. I would try not to take it too personally, just put it down to different tastes and take note of it for again.

I'm finding it a bit weird that people are berating OP for how shit HER gift was. Remember this is her MIL. I have never personally bought my MIL anything, if it's her birthday I leave it to my DP to sort it out.

Flowers last a few days. A thoughtful, lasting gift with a message that means something to your family and mil is much nicer. Your mil is being ridiculous.

I don't think it was a great gift, but I do think she should have been much more sensitive - maybe she didn't think your DH would share the message? A quiet word a week or so later to him wouldn't have hurt "oh, next year just get me some flowers". I bought my nan flowers one year and she smiled and thanked me but about two weeks later my DF gently told me that she finds them alot of hassle because of the clearing up etc so next time perhaps a box of chocolates would do well. Yes I was a little disappointed but people are allowed to not like their gifts. You learn and move on. So I do think she was bratty for being petulent about it but I also think you just need to pick up and move on from it. She likes flowers, buy her flowers.

I think this year there will hopefully be a bit of a move away from materialism at Christmas. It seems to have moved from a token thoughtfulness into something that has to be performed 'right' or you are at fault. It's horrible, sometimes I get a nasty window on the world off Mumsnet that I don't see in real life, and in a small way that's what I've had reading this thread.

I won't comment on your MIL's reaction because this is not what your AIBU is about. It's about, and I quote: "AIBU to think our gift was nice and not at all uncaring?"

Well, partially YABU. The gift was about your child's disability, despite you denying it, not about the recipient. I know you're saying your MIL cried and said the song made her think about your son but what you actually said was "he’s been pissed before and had a little cry that this song reminds her of my son". So she said that once when she was drunk and you hung onto her drunken words about your son.

Birthdays are supposed to be about the recipient. Your MIL not appreciating your gift was because you ignored what she actually liked and wished for and made it about your son.

It doesn't matter that she likes flowers that you can buy for £5 a pop at the supermarket. She likes them. Your child's disability is there every day of the year, her birthday happens once a year. To her, flowers most likely are expression and token of love and caring about HER.

Your child is special to her, I'm sure, and she loves him dearly. But it is not unreasonable for her to wish to be celebrated the way she wants even though you may think it's uninspired and boring. It's HER birthday.

Partial YABU because your gift was indeed caring - about your son and the whole family coming to grips with his autism. You said it yourself.

And I agree with other posters saying that a keyring is a keyring. She was expecting a beautiful bunch of flowers (supermarket or not) and all she got was a piece of metal, or plastic, with a quote from a song she teared over when she was drunk.

@timetest

Flowers last a few days. A thoughtful, lasting gift with a message that means something to your family and mil is much nicer. Your mil is being ridiculous.

Even if the message is “your grandchild has autism” ?

I can see why she might not appreciate a gift with that sentiment. (But she shouldn’t have said anything)

God I'm really surprised at all the people saying it's a rubbish gift. (I could do with a nice keyring lol)

When you explain the 18M you've been through and the relevance of the song I think it's very sweet.

I can see why you thought it would mean something to her.

Pity she didn't just be a bit more gracious regardless of how she felt.

Chalk it up as a learning OP and just leave it at her doorstep metaphorically speaking. She owns her response, you own yours.
Wishing you luck and good wishes with your son and I hope you get the support you need xx

@Poppingnostopping I completely agree with you.

I thjnk the MIL was incredibly rude.

Have you never been hurt when someone you thought you were close to gave you a completely thoughtless gift? It’s not about the value, or who chose it, or even that it was in a ‘nice box’. It’s about how it makes them feel. And she is hurt that you chose a crappy keyring.

I can honestly say I have never felt this way. I have been disappointed by gifts and privately thought they were a bit shit, but I cannot fathom why anyone would go so far as to be "hurt" by any well intentioned gift, however rubbish, unless it contained some veiled insult.

How many of us would be horrified if our child behaved like this grown woman? My kids are adults but if they had reacted like this to a gift I'd have been mortified. A relative with early dementia gave one of my kids a present, he was about 7, he opened it and it was a drinks coaster, one of the ones that charities send out asking for a donation (don't know if they still do that) He said he loved it, he'd always wanted his own coaster and it was his favourite gift. Isn't that what we expect kids to do and if so why would we think it acceptable for an adult to throw a hissy fit.

@Steppingonpegg - It’s always horrible when something you do that you think will be meaningful and positive for someone actually upsets them, but your present obviously did upset your mil. I doubt that’s because she thought it was cheap, meaningless tat, more likely that what you thought was a nice, shared sentiment actually hit the wrong note and spoiled the thought for her. When she’s calmed down, she is more likely to be able to acknowledge that your intentions were good and you thought you were communicating a shared understanding, not a misunderstanding! Tbh, though, I think it was a little bit weird that you made the key ring from your autistic son when it was a sentiment she shared with you, not him, even if it was originally about him.

@Wearywithteens

She’s not an ‘ungrateful hag’, ‘a bitch’, ‘a cow’. Have you never been hurt when someone you thought you were close to gave you a completely thoughtless gift? It’s not about the value, or who chose it, or even that it was in a ‘nice box’. It’s about how it makes them feel. And she is hurt that you chose a crappy keyring.

She’s not asking for much - a bunch of flowers is a small nice thing that’s easy to get. And all you were thinking about was your son, and all your husband was thinking about was himself because his response is awful too. I don’t blame her for getting upset - neither of you gave a shit about her and she is hurt.

This is unfair, OP clearly tried her best to get her MIL a thoughtful gift, she has explained the factors in her decision making and they sound very sincere and considered. It is not obligatory for her to give the woman anything at all.

I’m actually horrified at all the people who think they are entitled to specific gifts and that complaining when they don’t get what they want is an acceptable way to behave. What happened to the phrase, ‘it’s the thought that counts’?

I ask people not to buy me presents, but if they do, I receive them gratefully. Sometimes I get things which delight me, other times, I don’t. I always thank the giver and am always pleased of the effort even if the gift isn’t to my taste. I give presents that I put time and effort into choosing - I’m sure they don’t always hit the mark, However no one has ever been rude enough to tell me.

Present giving should not be done under obligation or sufferance.

People are so odd . Having said that given a lot of the responses here maybe I’m odd ?

She’d be happy with flowers yet a personal gift with a lot of sentiment behind it is shit ?

She’s literally hurt because of a gift ?

Crazy

I’d treasure something like that for what it meant and I think mil is wrong here for being so rude

YABU. A key ring for no reason might be nice enough but as a birthday present it is pretty poor. The inscription is a bit random too, I wouldn’t like to be told I am dancing in the dark, I would think somebody is trying to tell me I am clueless.

Not sure what the autism diagnosis has to do with the story.

Why’s everyone nitpicking on the words.

The MIL loves that song, that verse has meaning for her and she said it reminded her of her grandson. So what if anyone else thinks the song is whatever. The MIL loves the song and is a Bruce Springsteen fan and that song and verse has sentiment for her.

And the chocolates might be ‘cheap supermarket’ chocolates but again they’re MILS favourites.

I’d love the gifts. Very thoughtful and with MILS preferences and sentiments in mind.

SIL has in the past thrown away gifts we’ve given her, usually I shrug it off as it’s her choice. However due to recent spectacularly awful behaviour from her I’ve decided to step away from the gifts buying for her. She’s going to return to getting M&S toiletry sets from DH, or joke gifts. As per before we got together. Not my circus, and I’ve had enough of dealing with spoilt people related to DH.

I also don’t think this was thoughtless, I think it was ill thought through. It reminds her of her grandsons autism, so not really something you want on your key ring, as he’s more than his autism but more than that she has a key ring with all her grandkids on, so she can’t just bin it off. So now she needs to use two.

I think it’s just made her uncomfortable so she’s said she doesn’t want gifts or cheap flowers would do, when she should have just kept her mouth shut. I do think thr op did it with the best of intentions though she just missed the Mark totally.

@ancientgran

How many of us would be horrified if our child behaved like this grown woman? My kids are adults but if they had reacted like this to a gift I'd have been mortified. A relative with early dementia gave one of my kids a present, he was about 7, he opened it and it was a drinks coaster, one of the ones that charities send out asking for a donation (don't know if they still do that) He said he loved it, he'd always wanted his own coaster and it was his favourite gift. Isn't that what we expect kids to do and if so why would we think it acceptable for an adult to throw a hissy fit.

@ancientgran. Your son sounds great, what a lovely response to the giver.

@ancientgran

How many of us would be horrified if our child behaved like this grown woman? My kids are adults but if they had reacted like this to a gift I'd have been mortified. A relative with early dementia gave one of my kids a present, he was about 7, he opened it and it was a drinks coaster, one of the ones that charities send out asking for a donation (don't know if they still do that) He said he loved it, he'd always wanted his own coaster and it was his favourite gift. Isn't that what we expect kids to do and if so why would we think it acceptable for an adult to throw a hissy fit.

I have a close relative with dementia at the moment and after reading so many ungrateful comments on this thread, this little story of kindness from your son just struck a chord and made my eyes well up a little.

Just off to go pull myself back together.

This is cut and dried and there's no question about who's in the wrong.

Gifts are gifts - not an entitlement.

The sentiment was lovely, heartfelt and had lots of thought behind it.

I can't believe anyone suggesting that it's an odd gift - it's doesn't matter what it is - IT'S A GIFT

I'm shocked at the responses.

Not got time to go through every post, but the more I think about it, the more I think that your MIL probably got emotional at that song but not in a happy uplifted way. It's about struggle, and people feeling quite low and "meh", which no-one wants reminding of daily every time they use their keys. It's different to say, a happy family holiday pic of grandkids, isn't it?

Maybe that's how she took it? It's a reminder of hard times, which is a bit unpleasant really as a thought - even if it does make you emotional, it's not a happy emotion. Just to compare, My key ring has my DS on it. It was a present from my inlaws when they took him to a Santa's Grotto when he was 3. He has a big smiley happy grin, which makes Ime laugh cos it's such a shit Santa. He is 16 now and it still makes me smile all these years later. It was a good present from the inlaws.

@Namechangeme87

People are so odd . Having said that given a lot of the responses here maybe I’m odd ?

She’d be happy with flowers yet a personal gift with a lot of sentiment behind it is shit ?

She’s literally hurt because of a gift ?

Crazy

I’d treasure something like that for what it meant and I think mil is wrong here for being so rude

No you are not odd - I am bemused by so many of the responses on here. It was a thoughtful gift, to dismiss it as just a crappy keyring is both inaccurate and needlessly cruel.

Ok, MIL didn't like it, but that doesn't give her a free pass to be rude, grabby and demanding. It was a gift, she doesn't get to demand a certain present, that is not how gift giving works. I'd back right off from the woman.

I’m sorry this didn’t hit the mark for MIL. I don’t think it’s a shit gift, but I do think that for MIL it obviously doesn’t have that ring of ‘special’ that she was expecting.

I would chalk it up to experience tbh, I wouldn’t be punishing her for future birthdays by slinging a cheap bunch of flowers at her. Is there really any point of creating friction over an event that happens once a year and is easily resolved?

So long as husband had told her that you’d chosen this for sentimental reasons and it wasn’t just picked up from a service station, then I think draw a line under it.

What ever you think about the key ring, it was a gift from your son that you chose. So your husband, her own son had no input. And as she messaged him I guess it is him that she is disappointed with. After all, he didn’t make an effort did he? He normally gets Her flowers and this year he didn’t. Yes she is being a bit of a Diva but it sounds like she is a predictable diva at least, and her son should have known that she’d be expecting flowers!

Some of our most memorable times as a family have been over bad gifts. The time my MIL bought me a 1950's style yellow towelling bathing outfit, my husband used to make bumble bee noises near me when I wore it out of politeness around the pool. We laughed about that for about a decade. A little keyring with all the Winnie the Pooh characters on it which the children used to spin and guess what would come up. You either enjoy life and perceive things as interesting even if they are not perfect, or you don't.