To think this gift wasn’t offensive?

[Steppingonpegg]

So it’s been a hard 18 months. One of the things is DC age 3 has been diagnosed with autism. I’ve found it hard, everyone has been upset and confused but we’re getting there. I’m his biggest fan, biggest advocate of course. It’s getting easier, slowly.

I got DMIL a gift. It’s a key ring that says ‘We’re just Dancing In The Dark’. You, me, all of us. Love your Steven’ (DC isn’t actually a Steven for the record )

Anyway, MIL took it out at her birthday tea and said ‘oh’. Lovely. Then I thought nothing of it and thought she hasn’t read it properly. She’s a Springsteen fan like myself.

Got home later that evening and she’s text H to say how could nobody get her anything proper this year. Where are her usual flowers? She said ‘you know I don’t like gifts. That’s why I just say get flowers. I’m shocked you think so little of me’.

AIBU to think our gift was nice and not at all uncaring? I felt so sad she didn’t see the message behind it

I’m surprised that unlike all the other gift-giving posts where the sentiment is mostly ‘you don’t give gifts to make YOU happy’ when it comes to this MIL because there was thought behind it she should be cut off . There can be a happy medium!

@Steppingonpegg I honestly can’t believe the replies in thais thread. You tried to do something thoughtful, your MIL was rude and ungracious. That’s all there is to it. The posters slagging off your gift are being deeply rude and unpleasant. I think you sound kind and thoughtful

I agree entirely @ancientgran and your son sounds lovely and a credit to you.

@ancientgran

How many of us would be horrified if our child behaved like this grown woman? My kids are adults but if they had reacted like this to a gift I'd have been mortified. A relative with early dementia gave one of my kids a present, he was about 7, he opened it and it was a drinks coaster, one of the ones that charities send out asking for a donation (don't know if they still do that) He said he loved it, he'd always wanted his own coaster and it was his favourite gift. Isn't that what we expect kids to do and if so why would we think it acceptable for an adult to throw a hissy fit.

That's a wonderful and kind child. My elderly aunt used to buy DD dreadful knitted dolls from charity stalls. I would never ever have said anything and neither would DD. Now she's gone, but we still smile fondly about the bloody awful dolls. I suppose in light of this thread I should just have been gratuitously nasty to a kind elderly relative and made her feel like shit.

I agree, KnitFastDieWarm

Apart from the fact that I see nothing wrong with the gift, surely we are taught from when we can talk that we say thank you for presents even though we don't think much of them. That's basic manners.

@MitziK

A keyring?

You gave her a keyring?

It's not offensive. It's fucking shit.

I think, given your obnoxious attack on the OP, you might not be the best person to decree what's offensive or not tbf.

@MitziK you've probably really upset OP. No one cares whether YOU would like a keyring as a present. Irrelevant post designed to hurt a stranger's feelings. How classy.

I got my mother a box of chocolates and a key ring with her favourite thing on it. She was happy with it as she knew I was thinking of what she really liked and uses it often, she's older and doesn't want things that aren't useful as she's downsized house so she liked it.

You’ve had some bloody awful responses on here OP. Your gift was not “fucking shit”.

I personally think flowers are an awful gift “Here, I have spent £15 on these beautiful things that you can enjoy for a few days and then watch die.” but I am suitably polite and grateful if I receive them as a present because I am a decent human being. Your MIL was very rude to message and complain about any gift but especially one that was obviously intended to have sentimental value and had a lot of thought behind it.

At least it means you don’t ever have to put any imagination in to her presents ever again though. I think I’d quite like it if someone was perfectly happy with receiving supermarket flowers for every single birthday

Have you never been hurt when someone you thought you were close to gave you a completely thoughtless gift? It’s not about the value, or who chose it, or even that it was in a ‘nice box’. It’s about how it makes them feel. And she is hurt that you chose a crappy keyring.

I agree with this. A key ring is inherently a crappy gift for most, sorry. Just because she has a few already, doesn’t mean she wants more - it becomes clutter. I know you think it’s a thoughtful gift, but it could also be something she doesn’t want to carry around it’s raw/sad/depressing etc. Just get her a cheapo bunch of flowers going forward.

I think it’s a very thoughtful gift. I wouldn’t be bothering with putting any kind of thought into presents for her in future- just grab a bunch from a shop in your way round.

People saying 'a keyring is a shit present' , can you really not see the difference between a pound shop stylee keyring, and a personalised, chosen for the recipient one? [Hmm] Don't Tiffany still sell key rings?

OP. You say MIL has other grandchildren on her keyring but not yours. That sounds a bit hurtful. Subconsciously even, were you trying to remind her that your DC are her grandchildren too, and they matter just as much? And you would've been right. They do matter. Has she possibly taken it as some kind of admonishment, and rather than think, fair enough, I don't have them on the other keyring, has gone on the defensive?

Two things. One is that I do think it’s a rubbish present, sorry. I don’t know anyone who cares about key rings, and personalised ones are so tacky (even if made of ‘real silver’!) And on top of that it’s quite a negative thing - to make HER birthday all about your child’s autism. It really is very self involved.

But... she was still rude to react the way she did. The only acceptable response to a gift is thank you.

It's a shit present really. The sort of thing you give your kids teacher at end of term.
If you'd given it to her as a general gift not birthday related that might be ok, but it really isn't much of a present.

@Steppingonpegg a keyring is a lovely gift but if you wrote it love your DC name it really does say this is from your grandchild. And then perhaps as an extension you

So again what exactly did you DH do for his mothers birthday?

She sounds ungrateful. I love buying gifts and put a lot of thought into them but have given up the last few years because people don’t really appreciate the thought that has gone into it.

Next year just buy her some flowers.

BTW, I think it was a lovely gift.

Despite all the horrible comments it's a least heartening so see the vote is in your favour OP!

A key ring is a perfectly valid gift that many would find lovely, indeed, one of my favourite mother's Day gift that my DH bought on behalf of the kids is a keyring with a very questionable inscription. It's falling apart now but I still have all the pieces!

My DM is very particular about her gifts. Most of the time I stick to the very limited list that I know she likes. Other times I see something different that I genuinely believe she would like. Sometimes these are a total hit others they bomb out. It's worth it for the times they are a bit!

I think there is a huge difference between someone constantly getting you a crap, unthoughtful present year in year out that you may want to nudge gently out of the habit and getting something that you can see the giver has thought about but this time just missed the mark for you. In the second senario you just say thanks and hope it's better next time! Your MIL was very rude IMO!

Personally, I think a key ring, as a birthday gift is a bit rubbish.

However, anyone with any manners wouldn't say anything about it. So your MIL is totally rude to do what she's done.

However your DH reaction (buying flowers to leave at the doorstep) is horrible too.

So there's a few of you at fault! I wouldn't get further involved but I think a bit more effort for a future gift is warranted. A key ring with a slightly odd message (I know you explained it but still, doesn't make a lot of sense to me) is not a great present. Sweets added or not!

People saying 'a keyring is a shit present' , can you really not see the difference between a pound shop stylee keyring, and a personalised, chosen for the recipient one? [Hmm] Don't Tiffany still sell key rings?

I can discriminate between both and still see it as a novelty type gift. Even from Tiffany, though I’d be horrified at the waste of money. I suspect they are sold as “stocking filler” type gifts for the wealthy with money to burn on silly things, not as a “main” present for a loved one.

@Quartz2208 OP has clarified that her DH also took MIL out for dinner.

Well, it's not the most exciting present in the world, and I think it was strange to put it just from the child BUT she is spectacularly ungrateful and rude.

I got a family member a silver keyring with a special inscription on for a landmark birthday. They were very pleased and told everyone it was their favourite gift. If I had a rocked up with flowers, everyone would have been a bit I can't imagine receiving a stroppy message about it though, what are people like!?

Well, now you know...

This thread is an eye opener. We all think our background is the 'norm' but I am now very grateful for the way I was brought up with decent manners and consideration. I would never dream of saying anything but 'thank you' for a gift, regardless of what the gift was - including a wrapped up charity coaster. It just would not occur to me - my parents would have been furious with me if I had been rude about a gift and I guess that has stuck.

I now realise many posters were not brought up with the manners that are instinctive to me, and think it is quite OK to be rude and have moan about a gift if they have decided it isn't up to their standard. Mumsnet is such an eye opener into other people's lives.

However, I think my parents got it right and I have raised my children with the same manners accordingly. Obviously others feel differently and their children will grow up to behave like the MIL. To me it is unacceptably rude, other posters think it is fine. There is no way to resolve that impasse. OP, I am sorry you were hurt, I would be too.

Given how rude she’s been I’d be tempted to ask for it back and use it yourself.

The thing she called a gift really?
@Steppingonpegg I dont think this is about you or your gift. But about her and her son. Who has now dropped flowers off on her doorstep. It does scream a son who thinks little of her