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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my parents to let my daughter socialise with other toddlers

257 replies

Ellie1995 · 23/10/2020 12:12

I have an 18 month old daughter and work 2 days per week. She doesn’t go to nursery, family provide childcare for us.

I’m extremely concerned about the effects of COVID on her social development, in particular building social skills with other children.

I spoke to my HV and she suggested letting her play outside with other children, so she’s starting to build her social skills in as low risk way as possible.

However my parents aren’t happy with us doing this while they are providing childcare. They aren’t high risk for the virus but think we should be following the guidelines completely.

AIBU to be upset that they are stopping my daughter from having any social interaction with children her own age? I do respect their opinion but I’m worried about the effect it will have on my daughter.

OP posts:
Kokosrieksts · 23/10/2020 16:07

Whilst I agree that kids at this age don’t exactly play with each other, denying contact to other kids would bother me. I have a 20 month old and when we go to play groups (music type classes) or to playground, she’ll often go up to other kids to give them a high five, hold their hand or join in with sand castle building. I think it’s lovely for them to see what other kids do.

justasking111 · 23/10/2020 16:11

four of my grand kids are at school either part of full time. We still pick them up, have them here. But that is our decision, you have to respect your parents wishes unfortunately.

SunshineCake · 23/10/2020 16:12

@2bazookas

You're being completely ridiculous and on a fake pretext.

You have 5 days a week to personally attend to and provide her "social development with other children.".

Do you have trouble with comprehension? @Ellie1995 has already said her parents are stopping her socialise with other children on her five days.
Bumpsadaisie · 23/10/2020 16:12

It is their decision and I think you need to accept it.

FWIW I don't think you need to worry about such a young child socialising. If she were three - yes. But really she hasn't got into the place where socialising is a big part of development yet.

If she does socialise she will just play alongside other children anyway and will have limited ability to have relationship with them.

When she is nearer three you will see a distinct difference - that she starts to build friendships to particular children and to give and take etc. Hopefully by then there will be a vaccine!

Dishwashersaurous · 23/10/2020 16:13

She can interact with children five days a week with you.

Either respect their wishes or pay for nursery

justasking111 · 23/10/2020 16:16

Our grandson saw no-one outside the family for three months, full lockdown adhered to. When he was allowed to see us he was absolutely overwhelmed, terrified, it took him time to get used to other adults and children as he was allowed back out into the world. A similar age to OP child.

SunshineCake · 23/10/2020 16:23

@Dishwashersaurous

She can interact with children five days a week with you.

Either respect their wishes or pay for nursery

Again, read the OPs posts. The grandparents don't want her socialising with other children the rest of the week.
Clareflairmare · 23/10/2020 16:28

@Ellie1995

Sorry I should have been clearer, it’s the days she is with me that I would like her to be able to socialise with other toddlers but they are unhappy with this due to the virus risk. They would be even unhappier with the idea of her going to nursery as she would be mixing with more people
How has this come up? You don't need their permission to pop to the playpark... I guess if they are worried then I would take that into account but there are many things you can do which are low risk and fully within the rules.
RoseTintedAtuin · 23/10/2020 16:33

I don’t think your parents are being unreasonable but I appreciate it’s a difficult choice. The choice is socialisation with other children or a sustained relationship (taking childcare out of the equation) with grandparents. IMO a relationship with grandparents is by far more important as well as the stability of routine and the awareness of additional support and love outside of the immediate family. Any impact on social development can be caught up and will be once child is in school. Things like being kind and caring comes from the family unit and translates to sharing and taking turns later

fanmail · 23/10/2020 16:35

i think there have been quite a few similar threads on this recently. unfortunately am assuming thay quite a few GP are in this predicament. we are in tier 2 zone and grandparentd are now only seeing GC outside. would thay work for them. unfortunately health risks are just very different across generations. i would say thay an 18month old will be ok without much socialisation but they will alap be fine without GPs. its a toigh choice bit cant see how you can get round it

Redolent · 23/10/2020 16:46

We’re partly in a similar predicament in that DH is clinically vulnerable, and we have a shy and somewhat reticent 20 month old. She’s not going to nursery, so we try a balance of different social activities - paid toddler groups etc - with me always wearing a mask, but not insisting on her distancing with children. We know that very young children are less likely to transmit the virus, so that’s a small consolation we take.

In Scotland there’s no distancing for under 10s in the knowledge that play is important for their development. But for this age group, developing loving bonds and attachments is also crucial; and as pps said, that may help her socialialisation more than being placed in a busy environment with lots of other children.

Redolent · 23/10/2020 16:47

It seems like the GPs seem to prioritise social distancing above all else, so I don’t think there’s anything stopping OP from meeting other adults for a chat or coffee.

FizzyGreenWater · 23/10/2020 16:53

Yes they mean no meeting other children, soft play, groups etc and if I take her to the park they would expect me to enforce a social distance between her and other children, not allowing her to play freely

No way.

Send her to nursery. This could be the situation for a long time. Her development (and your choices for your daughter) are much more important than their preference to have their gd for two days.

If you were asking the favour of them, fine. But you're not. It's THEM who want to do the care when you'd be happy to use nursery. So tell them - the choice is nursery or she socialises as normal.

NoSquirrels · 23/10/2020 17:01

@Ellie1995

She’s with me the other 5 days, it’s the days she is with me that I would like her to be able to socialise with other toddlers outside (eg at the park), but my parents are unhappy with this in case she picks up Covid and passes it to them before displaying symptoms
Do they need to know who you see in the park?
NoSquirrels · 23/10/2020 17:10

Logically, it's bonkers anyway.

Children are lower risk for spreading the virus. Adults are higher risk and the risks go up with age, obviously.

But if you go out to work - which I assume you do as they look after her? - and your DP/DH goes out to work, you guys are more likely to catch and spread the virus than your DC playing near another toddler in a play park.

Assessing risk is difficult, and balancing things is difficult. But honestly in this scenario I'd just do what I wanted, within reason and taking as many precautions as I could for their sake, and just not mention it much, if at all.

Hopefully it's just a short time and things will feel and look better by the spring.

Hardbackwriter · 23/10/2020 17:31

I don't agree with the stance or risk assessment of the grandparents but I think it's really morally dubious to just socialise without telling them, even in very low risk ways. They've made their wishes and expectations clear so I don't think ignoring them without telling them is ok.

Disappointedkoala · 23/10/2020 17:36

I must have a very sociable toddler - she's loved playing alongside other kids since she could crawl. It might not be playing with other children but it's learning the skills that turn into friendship, turn taking/sharing and how to play games. All her little mates seem to enjoy it too!

OP, I'd put her in nursery, I'm sorry but I couldn't have 5 days of my week dictated like that. I'd be struggling to fill the hours if playing on the playground was out of the question.

saraclara · 23/10/2020 17:40

basically the idea that a say 18-30 month who hasn't been around other kids (but has been with plenty of fun, caring adults) will be anyway disadvantaged is pure scaremongering.

It really isn't.

The ignorance of some posters about child development, is quite astounding.

Dishwashersaurous · 23/10/2020 17:43

Ok. If that really is their stance then you have no choice but to say that you will be putting her in nursery. Purely so that you can do what you like on your days

Dishwashersaurous · 23/10/2020 17:44

And for your mental health as much as the child.

Skysblue · 23/10/2020 17:48

Explain to your parnts that there are very very few cases of covid transmission happening outdoors. Google it and throw some statistics at them.

Are you and your husband shielding? If not, you could easily pick it up and pass it to your daughter who would pass it on. They need to accept that looking after your daughter (or opening a parcel / going to a shop) will never be zero risk for them.

Your health visitor’s suggestion is a good one andnitnwpuld be following the guidelines, whoch quit specifically prioritise playgroups and schools etc for this development reason.

(That said your daughter is still very young and I suspect that, if she saw no other children until Spring, it wouldn’t particularly matter. They mostly just argue over toys at that age anyway 😬 What’s more important is whether she is getting enough stimulation.)

Ratatcat · 23/10/2020 17:49

I think also it’s not even about the social aspects but if you stick to their rules you’ll find you’re not able to go to playgrounds, not able to to anything really which is rubbish.

Rockbird · 23/10/2020 17:50

I'd take contact with grandparents over trying to get an 18mo to play with other children any day. There's plenty of time for your daughter, nothing that she can't do in a year's time. I'd far rather be able to see family for the next few months. After that, see how things are going and make a decision for the next phase of this damn thing.

timeforanewstart · 23/10/2020 17:55

I think i would use the childcare and if they want to see her it will have to be socially distanced
I tale it you and possibly your partner are going to
Work so if you were to catch it you could poss give to your daughter so they are taking a risk having her already , so seeing her sd for now might be the only option

Justmuddlingalong · 23/10/2020 17:56

You're either worried about your child not socialising or you're worried about your DParents being upset. You have to decide if your DD's needs are more important and decide from there.