AIBU to expect my parents to let my daughter socialise with other toddlers

[Ellie1995]

I have an 18 month old daughter and work 2 days per week. She doesn’t go to nursery, family provide childcare for us.

I’m extremely concerned about the effects of COVID on her social development, in particular building social skills with other children.

I spoke to my HV and she suggested letting her play outside with other children, so she’s starting to build her social skills in as low risk way as possible.

However my parents aren’t happy with us doing this while they are providing childcare. They aren’t high risk for the virus but think we should be following the guidelines completely.

AIBU to be upset that they are stopping my daughter from having any social interaction with children her own age? I do respect their opinion but I’m worried about the effect it will have on my daughter.

[Ellie1995]

Also for people asking what I expect her to get out of socialising at this age, I would expect her to begin to learn skills such as sharing, turn taking and also confidence around other children

[ClaryFairchild]

They can feel how they like. However you are the parent so you get to do what you choose to. The consequence might be that they choose to not do any childcare for you though. Are you willing/able to sort alternative childcare?

[burritofan]

As others have said, they don’t really play “together” at that age, they play adjacent. My 18mo DD is quite happy being in the park playing near other children; they don’t interact really but as far as she’s concerned she’s happily playing. She likes to be nearby other children and they all just babble and do their own thing. Would your parents be happy with that? Presumably you take her to the park? Just let her run around near other kids who are also running around, that seems to be all they need at that age – friendships and socialising come later, I think.

[OverTheRainbow88]

Hmm it’s tricky. I would possible send DD to nursery and then see my parents outside only if they are that concerned. Which is harder now winter is approaching. I almost think playing with other kids is more important than with GP for your DD at her age. Nursery is great as they don’t have to socially distance from peers so she’ll be able to really play along side them.

[ChocoholicMama]

Give them the option... They can continue to care for her two days a week but you will be socialising her when she's with you (although please stick to the guidelines) or you'll replace their two days of childcare with nursery which has the bonus that she can properly interact with other kids in a bubble. Then they can choose whether to see her on the days you're not working. It's their choice then.

[Goosefoot]

I have a few thoughts. One is that if you tell your parents that you are considering a different childcare arrangement that means they won't see her, they might rethink.

However, I would also say that 18 month olds don't really need to be with a bunch of other kids. Some quite like to be with other kids they see regularly but they don't typically play with kids their own age, as they aren't socially developed enough. Some will play with older children who can lead the play but that tends not to happen much at nursery because of how they organise the ages.

Nursery care has become so common people tend to think that it's developmentally important, but toddlers do quite well socially without it - in some cases it can be quite bad for social development.

[LavaCake]

I would try and work our what is best for your daughter - the time with her GPs or the socialisation. If the latter, explain to your parents that you feel you have to prioritise her needs and that while they’re welcome to keep caring for her, if it prevents her from socialising with other children you’ll have to consider nursery instead of relying on them for childcare. But emphasise that it’s not a punishment and they’re still welcome to see her whenever they feel comfortable doing so.

If, on the other hand, you think the time with her GPs is of more benefit, then I would keep the arrangement as it is for now but review regularly to see if the situation has changed.

[2bazookas]

You're being completely ridiculous and on a fake pretext.

You have 5 days a week to personally attend to and provide her "social development with other children.".

[timehealsmost]

If it was me I would continue with the status quo. my DD didn't go to preschool until she was 3.....she's fine, lots of friends now at 11 ...but I feel she's has missed the grandparent relationship because of them being passed away and too far away.

[Redolent]

@Ellie1995

Also for people asking what I expect her to get out of socialising at this age, I would expect her to begin to learn skills such as sharing, turn taking and also confidence around other children

Some three year olds and even four year olds struggle with sharing. It’s not something I would really expect her to grasp at that age. Turn taking and confidence with children, perhaps.

Please don’t do what another poster suggested and use a threatening tone: “let her play with other kids or I send her to nursery”. Make the decision without involving them.

Personally there are benefits to both grandparents and nursery. With grandparents she can learn to form secure attachments and loving bonds with other caregivers, which is very important. With nursery it’s the social dimension. If she was one year older, I’d say nursery, but it’s not a straightforward choice at the moment.

[PolarBearStrength]

Does this mean no playground, no soft play, no swimming etc. for DD at all? I couldn’t live like that with a toddler. I’d rather pay for childcare. I think it’s really unfair that they dictate where you can take her.

[BeamerTown]

@2bazookas

You're being completely ridiculous and on a fake pretext.

You have 5 days a week to personally attend to and provide her "social development with other children.".

Before you jump in with personal insults, perhaps read the actual post? OP’s parents have said that they don’t want her child to socialise with other children, on any day of the week - not just when they have her.

[Ellie1995]

To the poster saying I have 5 days a week to socialise her, this is what my parents are unhappy with me doing.

Yes they mean no meeting other children, soft play, groups etc and if I take her to the park they would expect me to enforce a social distance between her and other children, not allowing her to play freely

Thank you so much for all input so far, it’s much appreciated

[EmeraldShamrock]

Are they bringing her out for a daily walk or playing in the back garden.
At 18months DC don't really play with other DC.
A creche might be good for her.

[FabbyChix]

Lol are you taking the piss? They provide free childcare so its their rules or pay for childcare elsewhere

[chubbycheeks26]

I'd laugh at my mum and tell her not to bother providing childcare if they are so flipping worried about it and don't want my 2 year old socialising. Since returning to nursery and seeing my friend with her little on once a week my daughter has come on leaps and bounds and her setbacks with speech and social skills are all forgotten. I'd be furious if my parents objected to her socialising and hindering her development, it's not about them. My daughter is my priority. Soz. People's minds are warped by fear and the world has gone flippin mad.

[ivfbeenbusy]

How exactly are you going to socialise her when you can only meet with others outside? I don't think that includes your kids climbing all over each other? You'd need to be in a support bubble - but If you don't know any other kids her age and their parents how will you do that?

[AgentJohnson]

The choice s to prioritise your DD’s social development or your parents preference. They are entitled to think the way they do, as are you. It would be a shame for your DD to have no contact with her peers.

[Poppingnostopping]

Everyone is so arsey on here. The Op has said she's not fussed about saving money, it's just that her dd and the grandparents have a strong bond and enjoy their days together, it seems like an ideal arrangement, but now they are insistent she doesn't see any other children except at a distance for the whole 7 days or do other activites.

I would present them with the dilemma and say you need to be able to do activities with your dd. I don't even think she needs a whole heap of socialization at a nursery at 18 months, but not to be able to do swimming or play properly in the park, this is too restrictive, just tell them that your HV has advised that you do more with your dd and that her life is too constricted and so they have a choice- you are happy for them not to do this any more but you will be seeking more social and fun activities for your dd.

[Ellie1995]

I’d be planning to socialise her by either having play dates outside, or going to toddler groups that have reopened - all completely within the rules.

I am reluctant to stop them looking after her as I know how upset they would be to not see her and she adores them too

[Brefugee]

Stop using your parents for childcare, then.

[Copernico]

I can see your point but I echo other commenters that there’s little in the way of socialising with other children at 18 months. It seems far too early to learn sharing. It’s not like they would be a prodigy in sharing or confidence if not for this. :)

I did have this concern for my child as well, as I’m a SAHM and my child was around that age at the beginning of lockdown. All the research I found centered upon children that age gaining social skills by interacting with carer, adults, etc and not being at a disadvantage if not around other children. Maybe something to revisit in 6 months?

My child is now in nursery a few days a week and I haven’t found that his social skills need catching up or anything like that.

[Billben]

@2bazookas

You're being completely ridiculous and on a fake pretext.

You have 5 days a week to personally attend to and provide her "social development with other children.".

You might want to re-read the thread again.

[EmeraldShamrock]

It is tough. Unfortunately they'll have to make a choice it isn't fair for your DD not getting to play. Are they vunerable? As these are strange times they'll have to respect it.
Good luck.

[Bluejewel]

You absolutely must let her socialise with other children - she will be at a disadvantage as she grows if she doesn’t know how to interact with other children .

I think your parents are being unreasonable to try and stop you in light of the careful approach you are suggesting . If you can’t talk them round then the only option is nursery .