AIBU to expect my parents to let my daughter socialise with other toddlers

[Ellie1995]

I have an 18 month old daughter and work 2 days per week. She doesn’t go to nursery, family provide childcare for us.

I’m extremely concerned about the effects of COVID on her social development, in particular building social skills with other children.

I spoke to my HV and she suggested letting her play outside with other children, so she’s starting to build her social skills in as low risk way as possible.

However my parents aren’t happy with us doing this while they are providing childcare. They aren’t high risk for the virus but think we should be following the guidelines completely.

AIBU to be upset that they are stopping my daughter from having any social interaction with children her own age? I do respect their opinion but I’m worried about the effect it will have on my daughter.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I wasn’t socialised with my peers but with older children and adults then went to playgroup at 3 and felt very much out of my depth. I think being with other children of the same age is of paramount importance.

Yes at 18 months play is parallel play. But parallel play is a stepping stone to playing with your peers. And your dd will get tons from observing other children.

I would definitely tell your parents they needed to make a choice. Locking yourself and your dd away for 5 days every week is very poor for mental health.

[ancientgran]

I think 18 months is young to get anything out of socialising with other kids. Thinking of my own kids or GC it was older children that fascinated them, they generally ignored children their own age unless they all wanted the same toy.

[Pleatherandlace]

People seem to be obsessed with the fact that your child is 18 months but she’s not going to stay this age is she. What is your parents “exit strategy” here? Does Covid have to be totally eradicated before they’re happy for her to spend time with other kids?

[Debradoyourecall]

My baby goes to nursery - she still sees her grandparents, but at a distance. Same with my school age child. No hugs. (As the GP are vulnerable). How about that as a compromise?

It’s not much fun, but we don’t have much choice at the moment.

[LadyFoxtrot]

There is an insane amount of incredibly thick people on this thread 😅

To everyone saying ‘pay for childcare,’ OP has said she is happy to put her child in nursery, but this would devastate her parents.

To everyone saying ‘just socialise her on days you have her,’ OP is trying to do this- that is exactly what her parents are objecting to. She is not expecting them to take her DD out, she is being told she can’t do it herself.

A little reading comprehension perhaps before you hit ‘post’?

OP, your parents cannot dictate what you do when you are not with them. Sit them down and explain that, while you would love to have them look after your DD, she also needs to socialise with other children, and if they cannot accept this then she needs to go to nursery instead. Ultimately it’s up to them- it may break their hearts not to see her, but if they aren’t willing to go along with your decisions then that’s a choice they are making.

[Pleatherandlace]

Also totally agree with a previous poster who said that parallel play is a stepping stone to playing together. Your child won’t suddenly get to 4 and just know how to do it if they have missed the natural steps

[tappitytaptap]

But childcare bubbles are permitted within the bloody ‘rules’ some mumsnetters are so beloved of. If my parents stopped providing childcare one of us would have to give up our job and then their grandchildren would suffer. I’m astounded that some people would think that was ok!

[Rotundandhappy]

@Ellie1995 would they try to dictate to you and prevent her from mixing with others even if you stopped them looking after her?

[Laiste]

@firstimemamma - she can surely socialise on the days when she's with u so I don't see the problem.

Nope. They're saying OP can't take her DD out to see other children at all.

No socialising for the OP with her DD unless it's with them on those 2 days a week. But they're just charming loving grandparents and lots of posters think that's fine for however many months or years covid hangs around for

[tappitytaptap]

@AnneOfQueenSables my child HAS to go to school obviously. If my parents then decided not to see him/us at all then yes, they would not be prioritising family relationships. In my view, and in my circle (as I have said many times on these threads, MN does not reflect my real world experience), grandparents do not decide not just to not see their grandchildren for months or years. Some things are more important than a virus but a lot of people don’t share this view. Covid is king.

[tappitytaptap]

@Laiste totally agree.

[Teirsforfears]

Pay for nursery (like lots of others) if you don’t like the free childcare you are getting

[OhCaptain]

@tappitytaptap

But childcare bubbles are permitted within the bloody ‘rules’ some mumsnetters are so beloved of. If my parents stopped providing childcare one of us would have to give up our job and then their grandchildren would suffer. I’m astounded that some people would think that was ok!

The point is that it's not a grandparent's responsibility to provide free childcare because a parent can't afford to, or doesn't want to stay home to take care of his/her own child.

OP's parents are happy to do it but they have boundaries, which they're absolutely entitled to.

If OP doesn't like their rules, she can take responsibility for her own childcare arrangements and pay for them. Her parents would have to temper their disappointment in not seeing DD up close for a while.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

Hi OP

I think they are being unreasonable asking you to stop contact completely with all other children for the 5 days a week that you have her. But on the other hand they are right that it does increase the risk to them and it's impossible to know how much.

I'd say at 18 months, there is no need to get your child used to other children. If you go to groups they will most likely ignore each other etc. You can play games to practice turn taking and sharing at home but again 18 months is too young really to grasp the concept of sharing (taking turns maybe). In a year, it will be much more important. I'd also say at 18 months a secure loving relationship with grandparents is much more important for your daughter than playing along side other children. Studies show that most children don't get anything out of nursery, developmentally, til they are 24 - 30 months.

I'd see if they will compromise at all. More for you than your daughter as it cant be much fun entertaining your child at home 5 days a week. I'd go to some kind of nature tots class or swimming or something where they are not all over each other or slobbering on the same toys etc

[tappitytaptap]

@OhCaptain I totally agree, not their responsibility. However, having offered and then withdrawing it would cause problems no? My parents quite like me as well as the grandchildren and wouldnt put that kind of pressure on me.

[Trousersareoverrated]

Obviously you have to make a decision based on what is best for your child- whether that is paid childcare or your parents and that is entirely up to you.

In your shoes I would put my child in a Childminder where they will have the interaction with other children that is important at this age - even if it is just from observing the children at first and learning from them. I would tell my parents that they are welcome to see her whenever they like and it is entirely up to them what they decide- she can’t have no interaction with other children forever! Either this situation will go on for a long time and you will be forced to do this anyway or there will be a vaccine and they will be able to see her again.

[StatisticallyChallenged]

As PP said, parallel play and observing other children is a stepping stone to socialisation. My DD has just turned two, so was a similar age to yours at the start of lockdown. She doesn't go to nursery - mix of DH and a very part time nanny - but used to spend a lot of time with other children. She was confident and happy around other children and coming on well.

Lockdown destroyed that. Once things eased and our normal (ish) routine resumed the difference in her was very obvious and it's taken months for her to get back to where she was. Her world had shrunk to just a handful of people and it wasn't good for her.

Personally I would not be prepared to trade 2 days of childcare for no social interaction. I'd be looking for alternative care.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

The childcare is almost a pointless argument. If they didn’t provide care would they be happy seeing your child at the wkend as a grandparent if she’d been mixing?
Because tbh in that respect they have no right to dictate to you and it’s up to them whether they put themselves at “risk”

[OhCaptain]

[quote tappitytaptap]@OhCaptain I totally agree, not their responsibility. However, having offered and then withdrawing it would cause problems no? My parents quite like me as well as the grandchildren and wouldnt put that kind of pressure on me.[/quote]
They're not withdrawing it. They're putting conditions that they feel are safe and necessary. That's not the same as withdrawing it.

OP has the choice to remove her DD from their childcare. She says they'd be upset not to see her but they don't have to stop seeing her, they just won't spend two full days with her.

That will be the consequence of their choice.

And the consequence of OP's choice to socialise her DD will be paying for childcare.

Neither of them is wrong, IMO.

And I'm sure her parents like her, too.

[Laiste]

Posters saying there's no benefit to socialising with other kids till they're 2 ...

End of May then - are the GPs going to feel differently? Do we think there isn't going to be any more social distancing by next May?

I'd want this sorted out before the effect on DD starts becoming less of a guessing game.

[pipnchops]

YANBU. You definitely need to be honest and open with your parents about any social contact you are having but that is your decision. Your parents can manage their own risk but they can't dictate what you do. If they don't feel comfortble with what you're doing they can stop providing childcare.

Saying that, in your position with a child that young, I would have prioritised them seeing their grandparents over other children in a nursery. I would have found it difficult not to meet up with friends and take my child to the park though, for my own sanity more than her development! If GPs weren't happy with that risk then that would be their choice but it wouldn't stop me doing it.

[StarUtopia]

THEN YOU NEED TO PAY FOR CHILDCARE. (I'll put it in capitals since clearly it needs doing)

I highly doubt it's going to damage your child permanently . However, her passing on Covid to your parents could well be permanently. Have some respect. And whatever you do, do not give them an ultimatum as one poster suggested, that's just plain rude.

[crowsfeet57]

Twenty five years ago it wasn't unusual for children to not mix socially with other children until they were about 3. Nurseries tended to start at 3 years and there weren't the amount of groups around that there are now.

I understand your concerns and your parents' too. It's heading towards winter now so opportunities to play outside are going to be limited going forward. Why not leave things as they are and look at things again in the spring? Things may have calmed down to the extent that your parents will feel more confident about your DD mixing and there will be more opportunities for outside play as well.

[Hardbackwriter]

I don't know why people keep pointing out that children of that age play in parallel rather than together - yes, they do and the point is that's a developmental stage. It's like saying it wouldn't matter if you stopped a baby cruising every time they tried because it's not proper walking - do you not think one might impact on the other? A child who never does the early stages of socialisation, playing in parallel, isn't going to magically know how to play with another child when they get to the right age. The fact that 18 month olds and, say, 37 month olds are world apart in their interactions with other children is proof that it's a really massive and important period of development, not that children have no social needs until they're 3!

[Speedyspunker]

@StarUtopia
THE OP HAS ALREADY SAID SHE WILL HAPPILY PAY FOR CHILDCARE
(In capitals because you clearly can't read)