AIBU to expect my parents to let my daughter socialise with other toddlers

[Ellie1995]

I have an 18 month old daughter and work 2 days per week. She doesn’t go to nursery, family provide childcare for us.

I’m extremely concerned about the effects of COVID on her social development, in particular building social skills with other children.

I spoke to my HV and she suggested letting her play outside with other children, so she’s starting to build her social skills in as low risk way as possible.

However my parents aren’t happy with us doing this while they are providing childcare. They aren’t high risk for the virus but think we should be following the guidelines completely.

AIBU to be upset that they are stopping my daughter from having any social interaction with children her own age? I do respect their opinion but I’m worried about the effect it will have on my daughter.

I'd pay for the childcare if you can even vaguely afford it. DC3 is 14 months and it's really noticeable that the pandemic and lack of socialisation has really impacted him compared to his older siblings at the same age. He is much more wary of strangers because we just haven't seen any. He's also much more wary in strange places because we don't really go anywhere. You also need to think about the impact on your mental health, not being able to do anything with a toddler sounds very tough.

How old are your parents? If they are over 60 then they are high risk.

It’s important she gets to be around other children. Mine is older (was 4 and a bit when lockdown started) and the effects were devastating on how she was - she only recovered once she got back to being with other kids.

Could you find some kind of halfway house and suggest it to them? We are limiting interactions as DH is shielding but we are going to a very small, very clean soft play with strict booking procedure in place, allowing play dates at the park (ie outside) with kids she’d come across anyway. She’s now at school in a bubble of 60(!) which, of course, puts him at higher risk, but we agreed her mental health has to come first. You should be able to limit any close interaction to a very few children but still get the benefits of a park meet up or a toddler group.

So, we aren’t doing play dates with kids from preschool (no longer same bubble), play dates or indeed anything at all in anyone else’s house, haven’t eaten or drunk anything inside at a cafe other than at that one soft play.

Yes, it’s higher risk than not interacting with anyone at all, but it isn’t going mad and meeting loads of others in a crowded place.

I think that really it should be rephrased - they are not able to look after her if you take her to the park, rather than ‘you can’t take her to the park’

Whether or not you take her to the park is your choice. The choice is between socialising with other toddlers or with her grandparents.

Personally I would choose her grandparents.

I don’t think she’ll miss out massively from not socialising with other toddlers for the time being. But she would miss out from not seeing her grandparents, as would they.

I get that it’s a tough choice. And it will be even harder in 6 months time if they still feel the same. I think at 2 they do start to increasingly benefit from spending time with their peers.

Hi, I'm a granny and have my 2yr old granddaughter 3 days a week. I worry about her socialization skills but at the same time, I'm worried about myself and husbands health and covid risk. I think going to the park, letting her play with children, washing hands together when we get home etc is all we can do! We go to the park every day, weather permitting. I'm very careful and believe we're not putting ourselves in too much danger whilst at the same time, thinking of her needs. Perhaps talking through the risk in everything they do with grandchild might help?

I understand your concern, DS is 2 and I had the same one. I haven't put him in any groups because of COVID and there are no other children his age close by. I asked the paediatrician about it when he went in for his two year check and she said not to worry about it at this point, he's not at that stage of development yet. I don't think I would want my parents trying to control my parenting in this way, but if you do want them to continue to babysit and accept their conditions, it probably won't affect your daughter's social development.

@Poppingnostopping

I actually don't think the issue here is the child's isolation, it's the OPs! She can''t go places or do activities with her child due to perceived risk. That's not mentally that great for her as a mum. I agree there's no pressing need for full on socialization aged 18 months, but for mum to stay isolated herself and not be able to meet friends unless on SD patrol with toddlers is too much for her IMO.

Yeah, I do agree with this. In general most toddler groups are as much for mums as they are for kids, and t's not healthy or reasonable for mums to avoid socialising.

@crowsfeet57

Twenty five years ago it wasn't unusual for children to not mix socially with other children until they were about 3. Nurseries tended to start at 3 years and there weren't the amount of groups around that there are now.

I understand your concerns and your parents' too. It's heading towards winter now so opportunities to play outside are going to be limited going forward. Why not leave things as they are and look at things again in the spring? Things may have calmed down to the extent that your parents will feel more confident about your DD mixing and there will be more opportunities for outside play as well.

Yes - and interestingly, children have not suddenly begun to grow up socially ahead since that became less common.

Younger kids get a lot more out of watching adults, or older children, interact with them and model behaviour. Being in a class with eight other 18 month olds can actually be detrimental in the short term, because it's not like the other 18 month olds know how to behave or play anyway.

In any case, it's quite normal for kids to get to four or five with very different sets of experiences behind them in terms of how they were cared for. As long as they weren't neglected or abused they all sort out how to interact in pretty short order.

18 month old children don't need to socialise with their peers. They develop socially through their interactions with their adult caregivers. I think you're in a privileged position in that your daughter is being cared for by family members that she knows, trusts and will develop lifelong secure attachments to. They love her and have her best interests at heart. If I were you I would wait until things return to some sort of normality, then think about branching out a bit socially. perhaps the grandparents will take her to baby groups etc. But don't be surprised if baby isn't keen on being with strangers. In my own experience, both of my kids weren't ready to be in a group setting with adults they didn't know until they went to pre-school nursery when they were 3.

Just reading back over your updates OP, it sounds like you want to 'actively' socialise your daughter.
Children aren't like puppies who are growing up without other dogs, so do need to be socialised to avoid developing issues.
As a pp mentioned it's a relatively new thing in human society, in parts of the developed world anyway, for babies and wee kids to be in peer groups. It's much more 'normal' for children to be in family groups with a mix of ages.
I have to say, and I hope this doesn't seem condescending but, you do sound a bit anxious about it and I think you're overthinking it, turning it into an issue when it doesn't need to be. Is she your first baby?

Let her stay with her grandparents. This winter won't be the best time to sacrifice free childcare so your kid can "play" with others.

‘Then you need to pay for childcare’. How many times are you lot going to write that. You sound petulant.

Just because the grandparents are taking care of the child twice a week, it doesn’t mean that somehow OP owes them the world and needs to comply with every clause.

Are we all forgetting that the grandparents are also getting something out of this? Like precious time with their grandchild?

OP, it is great for children to interact with each other, in fact necessary. You are the parent. You know the answer.

It’s a goddamn world pandemic ... so your toddler doesn’t socialise for a little while! So what?! It won’t kill them but covid might!

@Hardbackwriter

Christ, people, RTFT

I know! And still they don’t.......

My son was 18 months when lockdown happened in March and we were stuck in the house for months like everyone else. We couldn’t even get to the swings in the park as they were padlocked by the council. I was worried for his development too. But we are 7 months down the line now and he is just starting nursery 2 days a week. He is adjusting fine. Your daughter has plenty time to socialise and make up for lost time. As long as you / your parents are doing lots of stimulating play, and outdoor activities so that your daughter can experience different things she will be fine. Children adapt. Your daughter probably gets a lot of love and cuddles from her grandparents and this is probably better for her than 20 mins ‘playing with’ other toddlers at this stage. Children at this age don’t really play together yet , they play beside each other. Let things be for the time being and maybe things will change in the country in 6 months time and she can start to socialise then.

OP, it is great for children to interact with each other, in fact necessary. You are the parent. You know the answer.

It's preferable, but not necessary. That's the point of this conundrum imo. Is this how we create kids who can't handle being alone for a spell, or can't handle having only a few friends, don't value good quality relationships etc? Are we supposed to teach our kids it's okay to socialise with randoms at the park during a pandemic? Okay

But the OP doesn't need her child to miss out. She can afford childcare so doesn't need to use her parents for childcare on her work days. She's happy to take her child to places where they might see other children on her non-work days.

The only reason is her parents a) want to do childcare and b) want to control how the OP parents her own child on the days they are not there.

If it wasn't because of covid, if there was something else that the grandparents doing 2 days of childcare were dictating how the OP cared for her child/what she did on her non-work days, and could easily afford nursery, everyone would be screaming at the op to use paid for childcare.

In your situation I would book dc into a nursery. Tell your parents its just not practical to expect to keep dc away from other children until covid is gone (which may well be until next summer).

You need to respect their wishes.
Round here there are church-run playgroups which take kids from about 2 yo for 2.4/3 hours a day. My sons massively benefited from these, starting at just one morning a week.

@DisgruntledGuineaPig

But the OP doesn't need her child to miss out. She can afford childcare so doesn't need to use her parents for childcare on her work days. She's happy to take her child to places where they might see other children on her non-work days.

The only reason is her parents a) want to do childcare and b) want to control how the OP parents her own child on the days they are not there.

If it wasn't because of covid, if there was something else that the grandparents doing 2 days of childcare were dictating how the OP cared for her child/what she did on her non-work days, and could easily afford nursery, everyone would be screaming at the op to use paid for childcare.

In your situation I would book dc into a nursery. Tell your parents its just not practical to expect to keep dc away from other children until covid is gone (which may well be until next summer).

Exactly.

They're dictating and controlling how she spends her entire life for the foreseeable future. They're holding her to ransom and three or four months down the line, when she's not even been allowed to go to a park with her daughter, I'd bet my bank account on resentment growing.

I think your daughter is still very young . If your parents want to provide the care and your daughter loves spending time with them I would stick with your current child care arrangements and respect your parents wishes . There will be time enough for your DD to socialise with other children when (hopefully when not if) virus levels go down next Spring. If your parents still aren't happy with her socialising with other DC when virus levels are lower in the community then have a rethink then .

I also wouldn't risk upsetting your relationship with your parents at this particular moment as it is quite likely that any paid child care you organise will be closed at some point as other children or staff get Covid (as in schools) .

But its not just keeping the ops dc from other children - practically over winter that means keeping the OP away from other adults and in the house during the day. Unless the OP knows a lot of unemployed people, realistically her friends who are available to meet up for a chat in the day will be other parents.

I often at that stage took my dcs to toddler classes or swimming, or to meet up with my NCT group, not just for their benefit, but for mine too. To see another adult.

I might be projecting here, but my mental health would take a battering if I had to stay indoors, seeing no other adults until dh came home from work for the whole of the winter. (And yes, it will be stuck indoors if the op has to find places that are suitable to take her toddler that also can ensure her walking dc will stay away from other children!)

Its unfair on the OP and her DC. Its not a reasonable request.

Its also not reasonable for the OP to expect them to provide childcare when they don't feel safe. Paid for childcare is the best option here.

I think your parents are being unreasonable - "They aren’t high risk for the virus" but they want you and your daughter to live as if they are so vulnerable that they must be shielded. They want to be the only people your daughter sees, bar you. Not reasonable! They are prioritising their wants over her needs. As her parent, it is your job to prioritise your daughter over them .

I would tell them that you are going to start socialising DD with other children, and you will understand if they no longer want her in their home. And I think being as blunt as that will work better than diplomatic pussyfooting.

So you tell them what you're doing with YOUR child and if they don't like it then they can stop providing childcare for her....?! Surely!

Eh is it your child or your parents😳 they have 0 say in what you and she does. They can not take her while they're looking after her but they cannot stop you doing things and going to parks etc with your child. My country has gone full lockdown and parks are still open kids under 11 don't need to socially distance either so where are the rule breaks?

People saying your 18 month old will be fine and doesn't need interaction are talking absolute tut. Just because they're children adapted well doesn't mean other kids will, all children are different. My daughter stopped talking, her social skills took a set back, she wasn't as confident it was hard to see her struggle like that. She was just turning 19 months when lockdown started. 6 months she didn't say mummy for and I could have balled my eyes out, in fact I very nearly did when she said mummy for the first time and she is finally coming along again as she was before now back at nursery, I definitely believe that for some children it's essential.