AIBU to expect my parents to let my daughter socialise with other toddlers

[Ellie1995]

I have an 18 month old daughter and work 2 days per week. She doesn’t go to nursery, family provide childcare for us.

I’m extremely concerned about the effects of COVID on her social development, in particular building social skills with other children.

I spoke to my HV and she suggested letting her play outside with other children, so she’s starting to build her social skills in as low risk way as possible.

However my parents aren’t happy with us doing this while they are providing childcare. They aren’t high risk for the virus but think we should be following the guidelines completely.

AIBU to be upset that they are stopping my daughter from having any social interaction with children her own age? I do respect their opinion but I’m worried about the effect it will have on my daughter.

@Ellie1995 - apart from child-centred activities, are they ok with you taking DD out shopping, going to a cafe, seeing your friends etc on your days off, or are they literally saying they don’t want you to do anything?

It’s all well and good app saying not to worry about your dd socialising but not much fun for you if you’re housebound the rest of the week...

SD is not easy for anyone, that's the starting point.
My ds spent a lot of time with grandparents and other adults until he was 3 and very, very limited time with other children. Now he's much older -I don't see any harm from this.
Your 5 day isolation is certainly harder for you than for your dd. But that's the situation for many of us. I'd say time with loving GPs is precious.
Should you decide to send dd to nursery, it would also mean you would not be able to see your parents.
In your place, I would find a way to entertain myself in those 5 days, keep contact with GPs and not worry about social development of an 18 months old.

Twenty five years ago it wasn't unusual for children to not mix socially with other children until they were about 3. Nurseries tended to start at 3 years and there weren't the amount of groups around that there are now.

Fewer children were in nursery, but I certainly recall children of that age mixing - friends with children of similar ages, shared gardens, cousins, playing out with neighbours (supervised, but definitly outdoors more), going to playparks. They didn't live in small, adult only bubbles most of the time.

I'd probably try and reach a compromise. Can you find maybe one or two friends that you can see regularly for social interaction so that they aren't mixing with loads of other kids? I think it's important for you as well as your baby to get out and be with other people. I would go crazy without other parents to talk to! But maybe limiting your social bubble will make them feel a little safer than going to public places 🤷‍♀️

Family is so important right now and I think if you can maintain that bond between your parents and your child that's top prize.

I actually don't agree with the last sentence in my post, reading it back!

You're in such a tough position OP. I honestly can't imagine not being able to take my kids to places and meet with other adults when they were younger, it would have been so hard for me. Not for them, they would have been fine!

My DM and MIL will now only see my DC if we meet outside since they've gone back to school, which I competely understand. If my DC were under 3 and I had the choice I would have kept us all away from other people, over this winter at least, so that we could see GPs and not put them at risk.

18 month olds do need socialisation, especially if not in nursery/childminders as it'll help them learn to share etc. My daughter was in nursery from 8 months old and by 18 months had a clear couple of friends she had bonded with who she is still friends with now age 4.
OP they cannot dictate to you what you can and can't do with your child, they either suck it up and live with it or you switch to a nursery and they risk seeing her even less. Covid is a risk everywhere unfortunately and children should not lose out on experiences any more, soft play is great for them

Twenty five years ago it wasn't unusual for children to not mix socially with other children until they were about 3. Nurseries tended to start at 3 years and there weren't the amount of groups around that there are now.

Every child in my family mixed with others either at childminders, cousins, family friends and/or simply parents being at home and mixing them with people in the local area with children.a

There were also church play groups. As that's how some of the people who are now friends of different members of my extended family met each other.

In fact I was even taken to church play groups and I'm in my 40s.

I think you have to give them the choice, OP. Either they let you do what you think is right for your dd, and carry on doing the childcare anyway, or they step back and let you find (and pay for) alternative childcare. It isn't reasonable for you to expect them to carry on providing free care and to just accept the risk.

I think you should use a nursery for the two days that you need childcare but make it clear to the grandparents they are welcome to visit/look after her at other times. You are not stopping them from seeing their grandchild. If they choose to stop seeing her, for the moment, because of their perceived risk then that is their choice.

My son is 2 and a half and we started paying for him to go to nursery three afternoons each week just recently. We don’t need the childcare as we largely work opposite shifts and also have Grandad willing to help out. I think with winter looming and the opportunities for normal mixing difficult my child needs that time at nursery.

The major downside is if little one is ill (probably with something picked up at nursery) her Grandparents won’t want to have her and you would need to be off. Also if nursery closes due to a positive case you will need to look after her as Grandparents won’t want to. So your decision might depend how difficult this would be for you.

I’d be happy to pay for nursery but I know this would be heartbreaking for them and my daughter too if they weren’t able to see each other

They are being unreasonable to expect you to stop doing the normal things people do with children to protect them.

They can of course refuse to provide childcare for you, but to say your child shouldn't mix with other children at all is madness.

Would they say she shouldn't' go to school if she were school-age?

I think the fact that you are basically banned from taking your own child to the playground is a bit much.

Personally I’d look into a childminder or something. It’s better for your child to be looked after by grandparents than nursery / a childminder generally but the fact that their 2 days dictate your other 5 days would be too much for me.

My similar aged child doesn’t “socialise” as such but of course she wanders up to other toddlers in the playground and they point at each other or are curious about each other and it’s a lovely thing to see.

how long do they expect you to do this for a year more?

its not realistic

@timeforawine I agree with you.

My DD has been a childminder from just under 10 months. At first she would only engage with the older children as they would play with her.

From about 20 months - after lockdown and when the playgrounds opened - she learnt to initate play with other children. First with only children a year or two older than her, but from 23 months with children the same age and younger.

We could see the damage lockdown was doing to her as she was only around adults during it, and while the majority would talk to her it was from a distance. Yes her interacting with others is a risk to my health and some others, but it has to weighed up with the long term damage to her development.

Twenty five years ago it wasn't unusual for children to not mix socially with other children until they were about 3

This isn't true because most children had older siblings who would be at playschool or school or just playing out and bringing bugs home. Or cousins or friends. There is a grain of truth in this as far as only and eldest children are concerned, but it's a nonsense to imply they had no social contact outside the home.

Your 5 day isolation is certainly harder for you than for your dd. But that's the situation for many of us. I'd say time with loving GPs is precious

Are you joking? You expect a mother to stay at home 5 days a week and not socialise her child at all because the grandparents who are perfectly healthy, have overdeveloped health anxiety?

I think that it is quite tough on you to have no mixing when you’ve got 5 days to manage. My eldest had a friend in the baby room at nursery and played properly with her well before 2. She was unusual though but I do think most toddlers benefit from learning to take turns etc. My second is 18m. She does play with her sister and is learning a lot. I’d say at nursery she’s more typical than my first in that she’s not playing with other children yet but she is starting to learn turn taking.

Twenty five years ago it wasn't unusual for children to not mix socially with other children until they were about 3. Nurseries tended to start at 3 years and there weren't the amount of groups around that there are now.

Rubbish. My daughters are 32 and 34 and when they were toddlers they socialised with other children every day, either at toddler groups, play groups, church messy play, tumble tots or in each others' houses

@cologne4711

Your 5 day isolation is certainly harder for you than for your dd. But that's the situation for many of us. I'd say time with loving GPs is precious

Are you joking? You expect a mother to stay at home 5 days a week and not socialise her child at all because the grandparents who are perfectly healthy, have overdeveloped health anxiety?

No, I'm not joking. Yet I'm not suggesting the mother doesn't leave home for 5 days either. Are you suggesting OP stops contact with GPs or force them to accept risk they are not comfortable with? And if it doesn't work out - oh, well, that's life? For the child - she does socialise with several adults, and maybe cousins as well. Her development will not suffer if that goes on for another 6 months

Do they expect you to just sit in the house away from everyone in your days off?
They are being totally unfair dictating what you can do with your daughter. Apart from socialisation what about your daughter having fun. Like at soft play and the park etc.
If you are willing to pay for childcare I would tell your parents that's what your doing. They seem far too involved with organising yours and your daughters life.

fgs sake, ignore what they say about this when she is with you. Do as you wish with your child. For 2 days week, your child won't suffer from spending it just with her grandparents.

You take your DD to whatever you want to (and is available) and just accept that she has 2 quiet days a week without other children around. That is absolutely fine in my opinion

I think they are being a little unreasonable but at the same time I can understand they're very worried. Is there are compromise possible here? Maybe you talk to them about it, emphasise what the HV said about it being important for development and suggest you don't take her to soft play / indoors toddler groups that are full on germ fests at the best of times but do some outdoors stuff and one on one toddler meet ups and say you'll socially distance as much as possible (which, let's face it, at 2 isn't much!!).

"You take your DD to whatever you want to (and is available) and just accept that she has 2 quiet days a week without other children around."

Well she won't have 2 quiet days, she'll be at nursery as GPs won't want to look after her anymore!

I appear to be in the minority here but at 2yo I would say the benefit of a close and loving relationship with her grandparents outweighs the benefit of an occasional run around the park with other toddlers.

Agree. 18months need human interaction - but they gain more from adult interaction than with other babies,young toddlers - adults suggesting games/toys, helping overcome obstacles, reacting to what they're playing/making etc, than from other similar aged children.

2 years+ I would want them to have peer interaction, but even then, not necessarily at the expense of adult interaction.

OP, I think I would gently point out to your parents that if you do what they ask, you are essentially prevented from going out with your child. How do they expect you to enforce "social distancing" in a playground? In order to stop your child getting within 2 metres of others you'd have to go and remove her, thus getting within 2 metres yourself. And of course constantly removing her would be unsettling for her. Hopefully they will then see it is not feasible for you to do as they ask. It's up to them then whether they continue to say this is the only way they're willing to go, or whether you can reach some sort of compromise (I like the ones suggested upthread - playdates with a set group of people, outdoor play only, that kind of thing). Good luck. It's not a nice position to be in.

"Rubbish. My daughters are 32 and 34 and when they were toddlers they socialised with other children every day, either at toddler groups, play groups, church messy play, tumble tots or in each others' houses"

Key words being "not unusual".... basically the idea that a say 18-30 month who hasn't been around other kids (but has been with plenty of fun, caring adults) will be anyway disadvantaged is pure scaremongering.