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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my parents to let my daughter socialise with other toddlers

257 replies

Ellie1995 · 23/10/2020 12:12

I have an 18 month old daughter and work 2 days per week. She doesn’t go to nursery, family provide childcare for us.

I’m extremely concerned about the effects of COVID on her social development, in particular building social skills with other children.

I spoke to my HV and she suggested letting her play outside with other children, so she’s starting to build her social skills in as low risk way as possible.

However my parents aren’t happy with us doing this while they are providing childcare. They aren’t high risk for the virus but think we should be following the guidelines completely.

AIBU to be upset that they are stopping my daughter from having any social interaction with children her own age? I do respect their opinion but I’m worried about the effect it will have on my daughter.

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 23/10/2020 13:40

You need to think what is best for your child and not what your parents think/want. If they aren't comfortable but you want her to socialise with other kids then I would be paying for her to go to nursery the days your parents do childcare. Its then up to them if they decide to see her or not. Its a hard decision but you are the parent and need to step up and put your child's needs first if you're that worried about it.

Quartz2208 · 23/10/2020 13:41

I think you need to say to your parents that if they wish to continue providing care what they do with her on their days is up to them but they cant stop you doing things that are within the rules.

Soft play is open it is perfectly within the rules to take her. Parks are open etc

TheyreComingToGetYouBarbara · 23/10/2020 13:41

I don't think social interaction with peers at that age is vital. She's getting plenty of human interaction every day from you and your parents.

If you feel that it's that urgent, I'd explain it to your parents and give them the alternatives. Either they relax their rules a bit and let your daughter mix as safely as possible with other toddlers or they accept that they won't see her as much themselves (because you'll be paying someone else to mind her).

If you can find flexible childcare from another source that your parents would trust, maybe you could compromise, slightly. Have her interact for a couple of weeks, then keep her away from others for the quarantine period, then she has a couple weeks with your parents, and repeat the cycle.

Lazypuppy · 23/10/2020 13:44

You are the parent! They get no say in how you parent your child and decisions you make.

If they aren't happy, they can choose not to do childcare, but that is there decision. Can you not do 1 day nursery and 1 day with them?

OverTheRainbow88 · 23/10/2020 13:45

Can you not do 1 day nursery and 1 day with them?

Well clearly not. As in nursery there’s no social
Distancing and inside.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 23/10/2020 13:47

Surely a relationship with her grandparents is far more important?

It's nearly November I doubt you'll be playing in the park much longer anyway. Toddlers need love and attention. So many peoole flapping about their 'socialisation'.

TicTacTwo · 23/10/2020 13:48

Your parents are nbu to ask. Yanbu not to readily agree as they are basically asking you to behave a certain way on your days off.

I would prioritise the grandparents over peers right now but I'd be changing that in a few months when she will get the benefits of playgroups. (I'm totally assuming that you have adult company outside of playgroups)

Or I'd be agreeing to no indoor groups but taking her to outdoor play areas where the transmission risk is less. At 18m I'd expect a lot of studying of older kids and thinking that she's playing with them when it's actually parallel play. Eg she sees them chase each other and she starts running and laughing like the kid being chased.

1940s · 23/10/2020 13:49

@Thatwentbadly

Then you need to pay for childcare
Agree
everyothernamewastaken · 23/10/2020 13:49

Your parents have no business telling you what you can do with your own child.
They are obviously free to stop providing childcare if they're not happy.

PatriciaPerch · 23/10/2020 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timehealsmost · 23/10/2020 13:51

[quote chubbycheeks26]@timehealsmost no the grandparents view point isn't valid, they need to stop being selfish and allowing their granddaughter's development be hindered if they can't do that then they need to refrain from contact until they are no longer THAT concerned.[/quote]
They don't want to get covid. what's unreasonable abour that.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 23/10/2020 13:51

There’s no soft play open near me. All shut

LouiseTrees · 23/10/2020 13:56

@Ellie1995

Sorry I should have been clearer, it’s the days she is with me that I would like her to be able to socialise with other toddlers but they are unhappy with this due to the virus risk. They would be even unhappier with the idea of her going to nursery as she would be mixing with more people
Then don’t tell them about it! Ps are you in Scotland?
MajorMujer · 23/10/2020 14:01

Just explain your reasons to them.

AnneOfQueenSables · 23/10/2020 14:02

Developmentally it's probably more beneficial for your DD to spend time with her GPs and have lots of one-to-one interaction with them than to be in places with other DCs. DCs don't really interact together at 18 months so there is still lots of time for her to get to play with other DCs when she is older.

tappitytaptap · 23/10/2020 14:02

Gosh it’s a good job not all grandparents think like this! Most of my friends parents continue to care for their grandchildren and wouldn’t dream of restricting them. My oldest is at school and my parents would rather see him than hide from a virus. Different if they are very vulnerable but I feel sad at the number of people who are not prioritising family relationships. I hope they don’t complain in the future their grandchildren don’t have a relationship with them!

OhCaptain · 23/10/2020 14:03

Pay for childcare. Why would they never see her unless they're providing you a service free of charge?

Socialise with her for your five days. Pay someone to take her for the other two. Visit parents.

If they're not comfortable with that they can choose to wave at her through a window. That will be their choice.

But you can't take something for free and then moan about the way it's provided.

Sweetchillijam · 23/10/2020 14:04

Totally agree with @SarahAndQuack.

‘It's their decision, I think, since they're providing free childcare.

It is really tough at the moment’

AnneOfQueenSables · 23/10/2020 14:04

but I feel sad at the number of people who are not prioritising family relationships
Irony doesn't seem to be your strong point since you're suggesting OP prioritise her DD meeting unknown DCs rather than prioritising her family relationship Hmm

rebecca102 · 23/10/2020 14:06

Nursery it is then and they unfortunately won't be able to spend time with her. I would be putting my daughter first.

UnbeatenMum · 23/10/2020 14:07

I have a 14 month old and there's no way I would stop seeing people with him for the next 6 months to a year. Meeting one friend with their own child outdoors is low risk even if the children aren't able to socially distance. Or there are some toddler classes where you stay on your own mat which might work for you? Tell your parents you need to do something and see if you can agree a compromise.

Redolent · 23/10/2020 14:07

@tappitytaptap

Gosh it’s a good job not all grandparents think like this! Most of my friends parents continue to care for their grandchildren and wouldn’t dream of restricting them. My oldest is at school and my parents would rather see him than hide from a virus. Different if they are very vulnerable but I feel sad at the number of people who are not prioritising family relationships. I hope they don’t complain in the future their grandchildren don’t have a relationship with them!
Age is by far the most important factor for covid deaths. So when SAGE start talking about ‘the virus working it’s way to the over 60s and 70s’ and the implications on hospital beds, it’s partly because of grandparents seeing DGCs in their absurd ‘bubbles’ of 100s of pupils.

OP says that the grandparents want to follow rules completely. Are they in a Tier 3 area?

timehealsmost · 23/10/2020 14:08

Seriously some the hatred coming through on here for grandparents is palpable.

firstimemamma · 23/10/2020 14:11

They're doing you a huge favour by providing childcare and she can surely socialise on the days when she's with u so I don't see the problem.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 23/10/2020 14:12

'Developmentally it's probably more beneficial for your DD to spend time with her GPs and have lots of one-to-one interaction with them than to be in places with other DCs. DCs don't really interact together at 18 months so there is still lots of time for her to get to play with other DCs when she is older'

This!

Loving family relationships so much more important at this age.