AIBU to expect my parents to let my daughter socialise with other toddlers

[Ellie1995]

I have an 18 month old daughter and work 2 days per week. She doesn’t go to nursery, family provide childcare for us.

I’m extremely concerned about the effects of COVID on her social development, in particular building social skills with other children.

I spoke to my HV and she suggested letting her play outside with other children, so she’s starting to build her social skills in as low risk way as possible.

However my parents aren’t happy with us doing this while they are providing childcare. They aren’t high risk for the virus but think we should be following the guidelines completely.

AIBU to be upset that they are stopping my daughter from having any social interaction with children her own age? I do respect their opinion but I’m worried about the effect it will have on my daughter.

[TillyTheTiger]

I appear to be in the minority here but at 2yo I would say the benefit of a close and loving relationship with her grandparents outweighs the benefit of an occasional run around the park with other toddlers.
By the age of 3 I'd say it's increasingly important to socialise with her peers and learn to share etc, but for now I'd keep her grandparents safe and prioritise their relationship.

[Redcups64]

You need to stop her mixing then or pay childcare, if they don’t want to take the risk that’s fair enough

[Goosefoot]

[quote chubbycheeks26]@Goosefoot your post is laughable, there are plenty of benefits to socialising young children.[/quote]
If they are with their mum and grandparents, they are being socialised. They don't need to be stuck in an artificial environment with a dozen other kids.

[rainylake]

I think what your parents are asking is far too high a price for your daughter. And I agree that no contact with other children at all is detrimental to her development. I have a 20 month old - she learns a lot from watching other children, especially slightly older ones, in terms of social and emotional development, as well as physical confidence. The lockdown period when she was isolated from everyone except us was definitely detrimental to her wellbeing and she became very withdrawn and frightened of the world. It was horrible to see, and really upset me. When she was able to go back to nursery, she blossomed again.

Also, this situation may go on for another 6 months... a year... how long would you have you keep your child in total isolation? As a proportion of her life, that is huge. While a close relationship with grandparents is lovely, it is not as essential as having the chance to be socialised around peers.

Therefore in your position I would say to your parents that although you value the close relationship she has with them, you feel that it is very important that she is not isolated from other children, and therefore you won't be using them for childcare until things have changed such that they feel comfortable being with her in the knowledge she has been around other kids recently.

[VimFuego101]

@Buddytheelf85

Actually, having seen one of your updates I’ve changed my mind about what I’d do. They don’t want her going to nursery, soft play, toddler groups, or play areas (unless you forcibly SD her)? So they basically want your toddler to spend the next however many months under house arrest just in order to spend two days a week with them? I think that’s too high a price to pay.

I agree. It would be terrible for your DD to be basically isolated for the next who knows how many months. Rather than mixing with a bunch of unknown kids at soft play, the risk would be lower if she mingled with just a smaller set of the same kids (play dates or family members). Could they be persuaded to accept that?

[LittleBearPad]

I would explain that their restrictions are too onerous. She needs to have opportunities to see other children, go to the park, play as she wants to play.

If they then choose not to look after her that’s their decision and she can go to nursery.

[titchy]

@Ellie1995

Thank you everyone for your input.
I’d be happy to pay for nursery but I know this would be heartbreaking for them and my daughter too if they weren’t able to see each other.
It really feels an impossible situation!

Well that's up to them isn't it?

[museumum]

I’m sorry but there’s no way I would be isolating myself from other mums and my dc from other children 5 days a week for the sake of two days with any of the GPs.

[Heyahun]

Yeah nursery is the only option then!

Not fair on your daughter - so let them make the choice - either she meets other children on your days and they look after her

Or they step back from their duty and child goes to nursery.

[FilthyforFirth]

No way would I put up with any family member dictating what I did with my own child in my own time.

Thank them for providing the care they have and explain it is no longer working and you will be putting her in nursery.

For how long do your parents expect to have complete control over your lives? What if we never find a vaccine or it takes years?

I hope you dont live with them...

[Poppingnostopping]

I actually don't think the issue here is the child's isolation, it's the OPs! She can''t go places or do activities with her child due to perceived risk. That's not mentally that great for her as a mum. I agree there's no pressing need for full on socialization aged 18 months, but for mum to stay isolated herself and not be able to meet friends unless on SD patrol with toddlers is too much for her IMO.

[LittleBearPad]

If they are with their mum and grandparents, they are being socialised. They don't need to be stuck in an artificial environment with a dozen other kids.

What’s artificial about it? Children need to spend time with other children.

[BreatheAndFocus]

I think your parents are being unfair - to your DC and to you. That can’t dictate what you two do on the other five days of the week.

However, if they’re willing, could you compromise? You socialise DD in ‘safe’ places but avoid the one or two places your parents deem are ‘high risk’?

If not, they need to decide whether looking after their grandchild is worth any risk to themselves. It is not fair they’re controlling your life for most of the week when neither you or your DD are with them. That’s utterly wrong. She doesn’t exist for their benefit and she and you have your own needs.

Many GPs are looking after GC who are at school. They deal with it.

[Feedingthebirds1]

The other things that strikes me about this is that if you follow the GP's rules it has an effect on you too. You will be stuck in the house for five days as well.

I disagree about children not needing to socialise at that age. They may not be directly interacting with other children, but they are getting used to the idea of being around others, and widening their understanding of how the world works, so that when they do go to nursery/school it isn't such a major change.

[titchy]

OP, if it were me I’d take a view based on knowing my child on what benefits my child more - interacting with GPs or interacting with children - and I’d choose.

Plus the benefit that OP presumably also gets from mixing with other mums.

[MindatWork]

I think you’d have got some different replies if you’d worded your op a bit differently - it’s not even about the socialisation so much, it’s the fact that your parents want you to avoid ANY activities whatsoever with your DD for the rest of the week so they can reduce the risk to themselves. It’s not fair.

You’re missing out on as much as she is - what do they expect you to do, just stay at home or go for walks? No toddler classes, no swimming, no soft play, stressing about keeping her away from other children at the park?

If you were happy to do that because you were also being cautious it would be fine, but I don’t think they’re being fair. I think you need to have an honest, calm discussion and say you can’t keep both of you under house arrest for an indefinite amount of time. It doesn’t need to be a threat or a confrontation, just tell them how you feel and they’ll have to make a decision.

Good luck x

[GU24Mum]

Could you compromise with them and say that you'll stick to the arrangement for now but come early December, if they still think they don't want you to mix then you'll enroll DD in nursery in January?

[Starwind74]

So you are saying your parents would not want to see her at all in person ( due to COVID risk) even if they were not providing childcare if she mixed with other children. But they see you, ( at drop off and pick up) do you not mix with anyone that could pass COVID to you and then to them? Even if you don’t socialise do you never go to work or the supermarket? Even if you work from home and shop entirely on line, do they not see other children, grandchildren their own siblings etc occasionally who could pass it on. If so I think there would be little additional risk especially if she only mixed outside.

[redastherose]

You can't be dictated to by your parents in this matter. Your parents have a choice, they can either accept how you want to socialise your daughter and continue to provide care, or they have to say they don't want to care for her in those circumstances and you are then free to make other arrangements. Part of being a parent is doing what is best for your child regardless of other influences and in this circumstance provided that you can afford alternative childcare then this is what you need to do.

[flaviaritt]

They’re right. Social interaction is important but if the rules say we can’t at the moment then we need to abide by that for a while.

[stickystick]

I am with you OP, I think they are being unreasonable and I don’t think the grandparents have thought through the implications of what they are demanding.

I also don’t think most posters have read your post properly - you aren’t telling the grandparents to take your DC to playgrounds and outdoor playdates, you just want to be able to do it yourself - which is of course entirely legal (assuming you aren’t in a Tier 3 area).

First of all, children need to mix with other children so they develop normally. If you DC doesn’t, you are going to get the HV/GP telling you at the 2 year old check that they have developmental concerns about speech and social skills.

Secondly, if you do as other posters have said, and say thanks grandparents, but I’ll pay for childcare in a nursery setting, then that means they won’t be seeing their grandchild for the duration. Because if the GPs don’t want indirect exposure to other children, then logically they will have to give up seeing her altogether.

[TobblyBobbly]

I'm with you OP, I think socialisation is hugely important at this age. Toddlers may not actually play together but observing each other and playing alongside is very important.

Sadly, in your position I would feel compelled to arrange alternative childcare for the two days. I can understand that your parents will be really hurt but I think your DD's development is more important.

[diddl]

So if you decide to take your daughter to the park for example, you also lose your current childcare?

Are you planning to meet up with someone or hope that there is someone else about?

If it's possible within current guidelines then surely it's OK?

They are not stopping you doing anything though!

[noscoobydoodle]

We have a similar situation and my son now goes to nursery. We see grandparents at the weekend but meeting outdoors where possible and maintaining social distancing because they perceive the risk of him being at nursery and us taking him to the park etc too high of him passing on Covid. However I think they were also finding it stressful having him but not being able to go anywhere or do anything so are probably relieved we called time on it, even though I'm sure they miss their day with him. Each to their own in these strange times. I don't think there's a one size fits all and I don't think there can be hard feelings on either side if arrangements have to change-things shouldn't be tougher than they already are!

[MindatWork]

@flaviaritt What OP wants to do with her dd is within the rules though - toddler groups, soft play etc. The GPs dont want OP to do any activities at all with her DD at all for the rest of the week to reduce the risk to themselves.