AIBU to expect my parents to let my daughter socialise with other toddlers

[Ellie1995]

I have an 18 month old daughter and work 2 days per week. She doesn’t go to nursery, family provide childcare for us.

I’m extremely concerned about the effects of COVID on her social development, in particular building social skills with other children.

I spoke to my HV and she suggested letting her play outside with other children, so she’s starting to build her social skills in as low risk way as possible.

However my parents aren’t happy with us doing this while they are providing childcare. They aren’t high risk for the virus but think we should be following the guidelines completely.

AIBU to be upset that they are stopping my daughter from having any social interaction with children her own age? I do respect their opinion but I’m worried about the effect it will have on my daughter.

I couldn’t have so many restrictions put on my own life/activities personally, so I’d have to sit down in your shoes and explain to my parents that they either accept I’m going to continue living my own life with DD when she’s with me (within the guidelines) and they accept that, or I’ll have to put DD in nursery on their days 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don't think 18 month olds need to socialise, most of their play is solitary even in a group they tend to play alongside each other rather than with each other.
Obviously children are different and develop at differing rates but is what was the norm when I was a nursery nurse.

I'm afraid that if they're concerned about their own risk, they have to live with the consequences. An 18 month old needs to be socialised, both with other children and adults.
Posters who say that children of that age only play side by side are missing the point. They need that side by side.play in order to progress to interacting.

I feel for you OP, in a similar position here but parents have decided it's okay to let her socialise as the risk of children passing it on is minimal compared to adults.

Also for those saying your child won't be gaining anything at this age I think that's not true. Where do people think kids learn to play together/share? Obviously they may not do it at this age but it doesn't just start one day, they have to learn it as anything else. And how to learn but through being with other children. My little girl came on massively with her walking when I started taking her to the park as she would watch the other big kids and be desperate to copy them. She follows them around like a little puppy!

YABVU. They are providing childcare for you, so it’s up to them whether they think it’s safe for her to mix or not.

They don’t think it’s safe, so you either pay for childcare or put up with it and stop complaining to them.

My 18 month old LOVES nursery. She trots happily in on the 2.5 days she goes, she does all sorts of arty craft/messy/creative/learning play that my parents would never be able to facilitate if they looked after her. I also am extremely glad she is around other children her age, whether she plays ‘with’ them or not. What do your parents do with her? I would maybe suggest nursery for childcare and then nature walks/playground/outside play with your parents a couple of times a week. That would tick all the boxes?

I think I would have to pay for childcare too. It's a difficult one but I wouldn't want an 18 month old to have no contact with other children whatsoever. But are your parents then saying they wouldn't see her at all?

I was under the impression toddlers are not meant to be high spreaders of COVID. My 23mo goes to the childminder and when I see friends the adults social distance and the children can play (but often play side by side). We do see my parents (vulnerable) and have the same rules with them. We as a family have decided that is the level of risk we will accept. It was killing my mum not to hug my daughter. (Also very frustratingly there are different rules for children distancing / counting in the rule of 6 in Wales and Scotland).

It must be very hard if you have vastly different view points.

@ivfbeenbusy what 😂😂😂😂

You can't separate toddlers at a park or wherever, social distancing isn't a thing to 2 year olds . If she went to nursery those children would not be in a 'support bubble' so what's the bloody difference? In tier one you are allowed to meet in groups up to 6 to socialise that aren't part of you're support bubble. Covid police seriously need to get the rules right before wading in.

Wow. Some of the comments on here! both points of view are valid. ..

It changes the power dynamic if you are not getting free childcare but it doesn't solve the problem really as the GPs will still want to see the DC.

As others have said, at that age just being in the same playpark as other kids is probably all your DC needs, so you could stick it out their way for a bit. I would find it hard to have my 5 days dictated though - presumably this means you can't meet any mum friends and have to fill your time with DC alone.

Everyone always jumps in with insults on threads about grandparental childcare. Is it jealousy?

OP isn’t unhappy about what her parents do on their days with her DD. She’s conflicted because her parents have said that they don’t want her DD socialising with other children AT ALL, in any situation, if they are going to continue to have contact with her.

OP isn’t worried about paying for childcare, but she is worried about the effect on her daughter and her parents if the two can’t see each other anymore. And she is also worried about the effect on her daughter of not interacting with any other children at all for the foreseeable future. I can totally see why OP feels conflicted.

OP, if it were me I’d take a view based on knowing my child on what benefits my child more - interacting with GPs or interacting with children - and I’d choose.

Personally I’d probably stick with the GPs at this age, especially with Christmas coming up (you might not want childcare to preclude you from seeing them at Christmas). But it is a really tough decision and only you can make it, because it depends on a lot of personal factors.

@emilyfrost

YABVU. They are providing childcare for you, so it’s up to them whether they think it’s safe for her to mix or not.

They don’t think it’s safe, so you either pay for childcare or put up with it and stop complaining to them.

It isn't up to them to decide what op does with ops child on ops time. It is up to them to withdraw childcare

Children of that age do need social interaction but they take their cues from adults that they are attached to, not other children. At that age the most you would expect would be parallel play, but many children completely ignore other toddlers in favour of adults.

Provided that you model all the things that you want her to do she won’t be missing much.

As a compromise could you take her once a week the day after your parents have her, so that if she did catch anything symptoms would show before they have her again. It’s not perfect because so many kids are asymptotic but might reassure your parents.

You're not stopping them from seeing her. It's their decision to not see her.
That being said, I don't think socialising at 18 months is that necessary. I think at this stage, it's more important to be forming bonds with and learning from family.
It's up to you to decide what's more important.

The fact that some kids at 2 enjoy nursery doesn't mean they need to be socialised. It just means they like being there, which is great since they are, but it doesn't make it some sort of a requirement.

If it was a real choice between that and seeing grandparents I would choose the grandparents.

GPs aren't experts on child development, no matter what they suggest to patients, they have very little training in that area, and any advice they give parents on such topics are basically their opinions. Yes, they have university educations and do see kids in their practices, but seeing kids medically doesn't necessarily give a lot of extra insight into their behaviour. I'm not being rude to GPs, I come from a GP family myself, but they can have a tendency to let parents think they have a lot more expertise than they actually do, and some spout off about stuff they know zero about all the time.

Well just tell them you want her to socialise woth other children therefore it looks like the current childcare arrangement will no longer work. Give it a week, look at nurseries and then make a decision. They'll either change their mind or they won't.

Its really not that difficult. You don't HAVE to please everyone, you just have to make a decision.

It's sad and I feel your dilemma. My children have only seen their grandparents a few times this year, normally we'd see both sets regularly, but the risk is just too high for them.

It's completely fair that your parents are worried for their health, but you have to prioritise your child's development as Covid isn't going away anytime soon. This means they may have to step back from childcare, or accept the risks as they are.

It's heartbreaking but everyone in the country is having to make these same decisions and the longer term implications for family relationships are very sad. Just have to hope it's only another year or so.

@timehealsmost no the grandparents view point isn't valid, they need to stop being selfish and allowing their granddaughter's development be hindered if they can't do that then they need to refrain from contact until they are no longer THAT concerned.

@Goosefoot your post is laughable, there are plenty of benefits to socialising young children.

Put your child into nursery and then let your parents decide if they still want to see her.
My PIL is high risk and as such we have changed the way she sees them, we take DD to the park and they will come too or go on walks where they are still involved with DD but they don’t have the physical close interaction.

You are the parent and you have to do what is right for your child and let your parents decide how to go from there. This virus is going to be with us a long time so they can’t honestly expect no interaction with other children for the next couple of years

Actually, having seen one of your updates I’ve changed my mind about what I’d do. They don’t want her going to nursery, soft play, toddler groups, or play areas (unless you forcibly SD her)? So they basically want your toddler to spend the next however many months under house arrest just in order to spend two days a week with them? I think that’s too high a price to pay.

The thing that would make the difference to me isn't nursery/no nursery, it's them wanting you to stay in or not let her play on the swings with other kids about, or not being able to go to social events, playgroups, for my own sanity and because I believe it to be a benefit, I'd be doing those activities on my five days, otherwise you are essentially in lockdown conditions indefinitely when the rest of the world is moving on.

This isn't a situation unique to young kids, my teens go to two different schools, they have had the odd covid case at them. Their granny and grandpa still come over and we see them with the windows open and no hugging. Not perfect, some risk, that's what they prefer rather than exist without seeing their grandchildren.

If she were at school, they wouldn't have a choice about the level of contact with others.

The child isn't going to stay 18 months forever and this virus is going no where soon.

Personally i'd put the development of my child's socialisation skills for the next year or so at least (IMO) above a grandparents 'heartbreak' at their own decision to only see their Grandchild if she is isolating from any other children 24/7.

In short - pop her into nursery for those two days, go to toddler groups on the days she's with you and let the GPs have a think about weather they want to still see her. At all, ever.

@Ellie1995

Also for people asking what I expect her to get out of socialising at this age, I would expect her to begin to learn skills such as sharing, turn taking and also confidence around other children

18 months is still very young, She will learn all of those things in time, but it's unnecessary to be concerned about it at 18 months.

In your situation I'd be thankful my parents were willing & able to have her (rather than the risk & uncertainty of childcare right now) and their age alone puts them in a higher risk bracket than you.

You could reassess in the spring/summer. Lots of things will have changed by then & she will still only be about 2, plenty soon enough to learn those things 🌷

That's tough for you all.
I guess a further dilemma would be that if they choose to withdraw from looking after your DD will they decide not to see you at all?
Is there a compromise? Could you set up an arrangement to play with children from known families, so the contact is less random.
Risk of transmission from playing outdoors alongside other children must be very small indeed.