To be upset about my husband using my car?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

In August 2019 I very sadly lost my driving licence for medical reasons.

I had about 4 months left on my MOT whereas my husbands MOT was just about to expire so I told him he may as well use mine for the 4 months and then we would SORN it.

However, a year and 2 months later he is still using my car and I don’t like it.

His car has just sat on our drive that whole time, it obviously doesn’t start and will need work doing on it to pass the MOT - including new window screen and about two of his tyres are flat. There will be more work needed to.

I didn’t really use my car a lot, only to and fro work two days a week and the occasional short journey here and there but now it’s being used so much more because he uses it to go back and forth to work 5 days a week, he goes to sporting fixtures in it, goes to airports etc and he’s racking my mileage up so much - never mind the wear and tear on it.

He’s not exactly a gentle driver and I have had to have repairs to the suspension and brake pads since he’s had it.

He has never looked after the interior of his own car and now he’s doing exactly the same to mine. Food has been sat into the seats, sweets trod into the flooring, rubbish everywhere, empty cans and bottles under the seats, half empty crisp packets etc - it’s disgusting. I went in the car the other day and I nearly cried.

I have spoken to him many times about it and he says we are a one car family now and there’s no point in paying to sort his own out when he can just use mine.

My MOT is due to expire at the end of November so I have been telling him he needs to sort his car out as I’m going to SORN mine and store it in my mom’s garage.

He nods along and makes the appropriate noise but have heard that he’s told his friend that it will depend on how much it will cost to fix his own car as to whether he stops using mine or not.

He’s always making derogatory comments about my car.....it’s not big enough.....it’s not powerful enough etc and it just upsets me. If it’s such a shit car then why won’t he just drive his own!!!

I miss my car so much. It took me 9 years to get my driving licence because of my health and this car was my first nice car (previous ones have been pretty cheap second hands ones) and I just feel sad about it all.

I can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable about this?

Am I letting my emotions cloud the logic to what he is saying?

[BeepBoopBop]

@BigMC93

You are DEFINITELY not being unreasonable!! It sounds to me like you've looked after your car for years, then had your license revoked (so sorry to hear this!) and now your husband has taken your lovely car and it treated it like a bin and doesn't take care of it. I honestly don't understand why people are saying "What's the big deal? You can't drive it, so let him!" The big deal is that it's YOUR car, you paid for it, you've taken care of it, and you can do with it as you please, even if that means locking it in a garage! If your husband can't be respectful enough to take care of it, then he wreck his own bloody car, and pay for it out of his own pocket instead! Also, is there a chance you'll get your license back? If so, there's even more of a reason to tell your husband to sod off and use his own car xx

OMG this exactly. Your car represents your freedom and your taste and although it is not an investment, you have invested your time and money to look after your 'bubble'. To have someone - especially someone who loves you - treat a possession of yours with no respect is hurtful and disappointing. Be straight with him. Unless you start looking after my car, I am selling it. And get that shit off the drive too. There job done.
My DP is insulting about my van - doesn't stop him borrowing it and leaving his litter in it. I make him clean it out and now he gets out of it, taking his Mccrap with him.

[Winter2020]

Hi OP,
I think you should start saving for a new car (for when you are able to drive again). Do this from “family money” not your personal spends as your hubby is pinching (and ruining) your car. Leaving your car parked up will just leave it deteriorating. Ask your husband to choose which car is being kept and which one is being sold and to get on with it. Any money received from either going to your new car fund.

Time is passing and the car that you loved is getting older/more mileage and ageing faster because your husband doesn’t look after it. Detach yourself from it a little and start thinking instead what you would like when you get back on the road ....that your husband will definitely not be allowed to touch!

[saltinesandcoffeecups]

I think you are both being a irrational about this, but I can understand where you are coming from.

Sometimes doing the irrational is just the best thing to do to get over with rather than let it fester.

OP, this isn’t so much about yours and his and practicalities, it’s about the emotion of your freedom and the depression of your current not-by-choice lifestyle. His irrationality is down to driving a car he complains about and not doing anything about it.

Here’s my suggestion for what it’s worth... set a deadline that is reasonable, tell him you are going to sell the working car. He has until that time to either A-fix his car and make it road worthy or B- made plans to sell it as is. Then you sell the car. If he does A- then you both move on with life using his car as the family car. Or B- choose a car that you consider the family car.

In the case of A or B you set aside money that you use gain some freedom back, be that taxi money, public transport money or whatever, but that is set aside for you to start to regain some of your freedom and independence. And B- set aside money for the you will eventually buy when you are able to get your license back.

Honestly, stop trying to rationalize the decision one way or another. Admit to yourself and him that this is an emotional decision and make a plan together.

[MaskingForIt]

If I'm totally honest it sounds like you're jelous you cant drive your car anymore.

She probably is envious (rather than jealous) that he can drive and she can’t, but that is a totally separate issue to the fact that he slags her car off and treats it like a bin. If he kept the car tidy and was respectful and grateful, she’d still be envious but would probably be happy to share.

[ZooKeeper19]

@QueenofmyPrinces FWIW if a man behaved like this in my car he would be an ex. No human being should be this disgusting.

I totally get your love for the car, I am the same and woe betide anyone who behaves like a spoiled toddler.

I'd just take the car to your parents' and let him walk. He seems like he may need it.

[LannieDuck]

Why not sell it to him?

If he wants it so much, he pays for it. If he can't afford it, he can sell his car.

...and if he doesn't want it enough to buy it, you sell it to someone else. Either way, you recoup your money.

[billy1966]

OP,

It would drive me mad to have something that I value being disrespected.

He sounds like a dirty pig.

Using your car as a bin is disgusting.

No wonder you are upset.

[dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby]

Since cars depreciate a lot, I think the decision about which to sell and which to keep, should depend on the relative costs, mileage, reliability etc. rather than sentiment on either side.

[BaseDrops]

If you do sell it you could consider retaining some of the money for taxi and public transport costs.
Or put it in an isa so you had funds if you do get your licence back.

[D00MGL00M]

If I'm totally honest it sounds like you're jelous you cant drive your car anymore.

Well then she'd never have suggested he use it in the first place if it was just a case of jealous that she can't use it.

She doesn't sound jealous at all. She sounds like she's struggling coming to terms with poor health and losing something it took years and years to get in the first place due to no fault of her own.

She can no longer just take her kids out for the day in a whim, she can no longer see her friend each week so may feel isolated and it sounds like she's had her hopes built up thinking she could get her license back and then finding out she can't.

That on its own is hard to deal with and to then see something that meant so much to her being treat like a personal dust bin and listening to complain about how shit the car is on top of that can you really not see why she's upset? Like I said before being chronically unwell can make you feel like shit and it can take a very long time to get used to have freedoms limited because of it, and even more so when your health limits what you can do with your children.

OP says he's great in every other way and I hope it's a case of him not realising how much she's struggling to come to terms with her health problems because she puts a brave face on like many people do and how hurtful him messing the car up and complaining about it, rathe than knowing all this and thinking her feelings don't matter.

[SunshineCake]

@QueenofmyPrinces does not sound jealous at all. She sounds justifiably pissed off that he is treating her car like shit and not respecting her wishes over keeping it well looked after.

[Longdistance]

Yanbu. I’m precious about my car too. I don’t like dh driving it and remind him to go easy on the speed humps as my car has body kit on it. Dh drives company cars, has never owned a car himself and drives like a loon. If he damages his car he doesn’t give a crap. If he damages mine he’ll be paying for it.
Your dh needs to take it to get cleaned and any mechanical work that needs doing he needs to pay for as he is —abusing— using it. I’d consider selling it and he can sort his shit heap out and get himself a new one.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

So I said I was thinking of selling my car and telling him what I would use the money for that would ease some financial pressure on all of us, but he said it’s would be silly to sell it.

He said that if I did it, it was like accepting that I won’t drive again and that it’s important I try and be positive and stay hopeful that I will get my licence and my car back.

I asked him what he was planning on doing with his car and he said nothing, and that he’d just use mine until I needed it back for myself.

[Ninkanink]

He really doesn’t get to decide what you do with your car.

Sell it, and get busy putting at least some of the money towards something just for you that you can access now and that will bring you joy now.

[missbipolar]

Sell both cars. He can buy another one if he wants but it doesn't come out of the family money. He also funds it himself not out of family money

[Nottherealslimshady]

If theres no chance you'll get your licence back then you need to sell your car. Get it a good valet and get it sold, you'll have to MOT it before selling it though.
Then he needs to fix his own car instead of letting it rot. You must be bloody loaded to be pissing money away like this!

[Nottherealslimshady]

In fact. Even if you will get your licence back, you wont be happy about getting this car back. Sell it. And if you get your licence back buy a new one to celebrate.

[DeRigueurMortis]

@QueenofmyPrinces

So I said I was thinking of selling my car and telling him what I would use the money for that would ease some financial pressure on all of us, but he said it’s would be silly to sell it.

He said that if I did it, it was like accepting that I won’t drive again and that it’s important I try and be positive and stay hopeful that I will get my licence and my car back.

I asked him what he was planning on doing with his car and he said nothing, and that he’d just use mine until I needed it back for myself.

Oh the cake and eat it response....

He's being a dick.

Stop asking what he plans to do OP and tell him what you are going to do.

It's ridiculous holding onto 2 cars when you don't need them.

Also it's wasteful hanging onto your car (especially as he's treating it like shit) watching it depreciate through age and mileage. If you do get your licence back then it's best to sell your car now and get the most you can for it to enable you to buy another in the future.

As stands if you do get your licence back he'll hand over a car that he's trashed. Where's the positivity in that?

[LannieDuck]

You can't control what he does with his car, but you can determine what you do with your car. You don't need to ask his permission.

...and don't use the money to ease the family's financial burden (unless you have no choice) - it's your money, not joint money.

[D00MGL00M]

Remaining positive is a good idea and I'd explain to him the emotional impact from your health and not being able to do things you enjoyed anymore is having in you and how you feel it would be easier to remain positive if you didn't have to look at your car everyday reminding you of what you can't do as well as watching him treat it like a bin and complain about how crap it is.

Tell him that there's no guarantee that you will get your license back any time soon you'd feel more positive emotionally selling it now and getting as much for it as you can before he's put a load more mileage on it and decreased it's value further. Tell him it's been over a year and you know how you feel, if he still insists you can't sell your own car and I'd ask why he thinks only he gets to decide what happens to his own car but that he also thinks he gets to decide what you do you with yours as well as telling you how to feel.

[willowmelangell]

Sell your car. Stick your money in your savings account.
He has told you he will do nothing with his depreciating value car, until he absolutely HAS to do something. So he could, but he can't be bothered.
He needs a kick up his complacent butt.
Also,
drop a load of sticky rubbish on his laptop. Sit back and let him clean it up.(not totally serious but...)

[DeRigueurMortis]

• Also,
  drop a load of sticky rubbish on his laptop. Sit back and let him clean it up.(not totally serious but...)*
  
  
  
  I like your thinking.....

[NoSquirrels]

@QueenofmyPrinces

So I said I was thinking of selling my car and telling him what I would use the money for that would ease some financial pressure on all of us, but he said it’s would be silly to sell it.

He said that if I did it, it was like accepting that I won’t drive again and that it’s important I try and be positive and stay hopeful that I will get my licence and my car back.

I asked him what he was planning on doing with his car and he said nothing, and that he’d just use mine until I needed it back for myself.

Then I’d be telling him that at the point that I DID get my license back, I’d be buying a new car.

So you’re still selling up.

[HappyBumbleBee]

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head - at first I thought you were being unreasonable but reading your posts and you being happy for him to use it and get rid of his etc I think the upset and annoyance is coming from the lack of respect for the car and your feelings.
Think you need to put your foot down and tell him he can continue using the car IF he cleans it out and respects it!
Buy him a small bin he can keep in the passenger footwell 👍