To be upset about my husband using my car?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

In August 2019 I very sadly lost my driving licence for medical reasons.

I had about 4 months left on my MOT whereas my husbands MOT was just about to expire so I told him he may as well use mine for the 4 months and then we would SORN it.

However, a year and 2 months later he is still using my car and I don’t like it.

His car has just sat on our drive that whole time, it obviously doesn’t start and will need work doing on it to pass the MOT - including new window screen and about two of his tyres are flat. There will be more work needed to.

I didn’t really use my car a lot, only to and fro work two days a week and the occasional short journey here and there but now it’s being used so much more because he uses it to go back and forth to work 5 days a week, he goes to sporting fixtures in it, goes to airports etc and he’s racking my mileage up so much - never mind the wear and tear on it.

He’s not exactly a gentle driver and I have had to have repairs to the suspension and brake pads since he’s had it.

He has never looked after the interior of his own car and now he’s doing exactly the same to mine. Food has been sat into the seats, sweets trod into the flooring, rubbish everywhere, empty cans and bottles under the seats, half empty crisp packets etc - it’s disgusting. I went in the car the other day and I nearly cried.

I have spoken to him many times about it and he says we are a one car family now and there’s no point in paying to sort his own out when he can just use mine.

My MOT is due to expire at the end of November so I have been telling him he needs to sort his car out as I’m going to SORN mine and store it in my mom’s garage.

He nods along and makes the appropriate noise but have heard that he’s told his friend that it will depend on how much it will cost to fix his own car as to whether he stops using mine or not.

He’s always making derogatory comments about my car.....it’s not big enough.....it’s not powerful enough etc and it just upsets me. If it’s such a shit car then why won’t he just drive his own!!!

I miss my car so much. It took me 9 years to get my driving licence because of my health and this car was my first nice car (previous ones have been pretty cheap second hands ones) and I just feel sad about it all.

I can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable about this?

Am I letting my emotions cloud the logic to what he is saying?

[D00MGL00M]

He said that although I see my car as a symbol of what I have previously achieved, I also need to see it as a symbol of something I can achieve again.

He's telling you how you have to feel again. If that car was going to be a symbol of hope for you, it would have done so in the last year+ he's been not letting you sell it.

It sounds like even after telling him how you feel, the impact it's had on your mental health, he's told you you have to feel differently.

Him looking at finances and telling you that you can buy whatever you're saving for isn't really helpful if he plans to continue making you look at that car everyday, after you've told him how upsetting that is for you.

He sounds like a bit of an arsehole now to be honest.

[mummmy2017]

If finances are not a worry call a mobile mechanic and arrange for his car to be fixed.

[Sparticuscaticus]

@QueenofmyPrinces

We had another good chat about it last night and final decision is that he’s going to get his car sorted, I’m going to SORN mine and store it at my moms.

He said that selling my car is so final and I should hold on to it as a goal to work towards - I.e have something positive to look forward to when/if I get my licence back.

I agree with you OP YANBU

It's your car, your pride snd joy snd he is wrecking it by his poor driving and disgusting treatment of it as a bin. SORN and store it incase you get your licence back. He wants to keep his car and misses driving it, so he can repair his car and then nobody will resent the other. He's just being lazy and inconsiderate. If he was doing this to your expensive laptop no one would disagree with you.

Give him a deadline, take your keys back and put your car in Mum's garage. Only ... your DH will have to drive it over 🤣 (or Mum!)

[NoSquirrels]

Sounds to me as if you driving again is important to him. That’s not unusual in people who care for others who have restrictive health issues. Your car - and therefore you not giving up on driving - is a symbol of you not ‘getting worse’, perhaps? It’s understandable. Fingers firmly crossed you get your licence back again in 8 months. If not, reevaluate then, because it really is a depreciating asset and new cars will always be available.

[Ninkanink]

He can advise but he shouldn’t be dictating to you how you should feel and what you should do with your own things.

Anyway it sounds like you’ve come up with some solutions that work for you. Please make sure that they are followed through with.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

nosquirrels - One of my main drivers for selling it was because the money for it would have really helped me in terms of the other thing I’m saving up for, but we’ve gone through the finances this morning and come up with a solution that means although the money from my car would help, it isn’t a necessity.

He said that although I see my car as a symbol of what I have previously achieved, I also need to see it as a symbol of something I can achieve again.

[Ninkanink]

Ok. As long as it’s what you want to do right now.

I’m glad you’ve got it sorted and fingers crossed you’ll be using it again before you know it! 🤞

[NoSquirrels]

Fair enough Queen, if you’re happy. It’s just that your posts come across as him having the final say, somehow, on what’s ‘best’ for you. And that’s different to what you’d previously decided. So it’s weird.

Make sure he’s started the repairs process happening within a week. If not this situation could drag on...

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’m not - I will hopefully get my licence back in 8 months so maybe he has a point.

The most important thing to me is that I’m getting it removed from my sight. I had a really good talk with him about how much it upsets me to see my car sat out the front of the house all day knowing I can’t drive it, and that every time I sit in it, I get upset that I should be driving but can’t. I said that looking at my car and being in my car is just one big reminder of what I’ve lost and that I just don’t want to see it.

I just can’t look at it anymore.
It’s just a reminder of the bad times I’ve had in my past and the bad times I’m in again now.

Mentally and emotionally it’s doing me no good having to face it everyday.

[Ninkanink]

That’s a ridiculous course of action.

He is not your boss. Why are you giving him the final say on this?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

....save up and buy a shiny new one when you get your license back.

I’m already saving up for something else

[NoSquirrels]

Why is his opinion on how you feel about the car and driving more important than your feelings?

[NoSquirrels]

He said that selling my car is so final and I should hold on to it as a goal to work towards - I.e have something positive to look forward to when/if I get my licence back.

It’s a depreciating asset, though. Sell it, stick the savings in a bank account (instead of the car in your mum’s garage), save up and buy a shiny new one when you get your license back.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

We had another good chat about it last night and final decision is that he’s going to get his car sorted, I’m going to SORN mine and store it at my moms.

He said that selling my car is so final and I should hold on to it as a goal to work towards - I.e have something positive to look forward to when/if I get my licence back.

[WiddlinDiddlin]

Ugh.

Put your car up for sale. If he wants it, he can buy it.

Personally unless this man has some serious redeeming features, I think I'd trade HIM in and SORN the car at your mums though.

[Feedingthebirds1]

he said it’s would be silly to sell it.

He said that if I did it, it was like accepting that I won’t drive again and that it’s important I try and be positive and stay hopeful that I will get my licence and my car back.

I asked him what he was planning on doing with his car and he said nothing, and that he’d just use mine until I needed it back for myself

OP Google gaslighting. This is so much BS I can smell it from here.

He wants to keep his car but have to do nothing to make it roadworthy. So to get to places he has to keep driving yours. And if you sell it he can't.

Keep positive, keep believing you'll be able to drive again - translation, I want your car. Tell him that you are positive and you do have hope, and if/when you can drive again you'll buy another car. Meanwhile you'll have the money to use now and you won't have to keep looking at the car and thinking about what you've lost.

He might be great in other ways but on this one he's digging his heels in and coming up with all sorts of reasons why you shouldn't sell. All of those reasons have valid counter arguments but he's not accepting them. And he won't come right out and say that he doesn't want you to sell because then he wouldn't have it to drive round in - and even he knows that's not going to sound good.

He's being selfish, so it's time to stand up to him. TELL him you're selling it, tell him why, and do it.

[HappyBumbleBee]

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head - at first I thought you were being unreasonable but reading your posts and you being happy for him to use it and get rid of his etc I think the upset and annoyance is coming from the lack of respect for the car and your feelings.
Think you need to put your foot down and tell him he can continue using the car IF he cleans it out and respects it!
Buy him a small bin he can keep in the passenger footwell 👍

[NoSquirrels]

@QueenofmyPrinces

So I said I was thinking of selling my car and telling him what I would use the money for that would ease some financial pressure on all of us, but he said it’s would be silly to sell it.

He said that if I did it, it was like accepting that I won’t drive again and that it’s important I try and be positive and stay hopeful that I will get my licence and my car back.

I asked him what he was planning on doing with his car and he said nothing, and that he’d just use mine until I needed it back for myself.

Then I’d be telling him that at the point that I DID get my license back, I’d be buying a new car.

So you’re still selling up.

[DeRigueurMortis]

• Also,
  drop a load of sticky rubbish on his laptop. Sit back and let him clean it up.(not totally serious but...)*
  
  
  
  I like your thinking.....

[willowmelangell]

Sell your car. Stick your money in your savings account.
He has told you he will do nothing with his depreciating value car, until he absolutely HAS to do something. So he could, but he can't be bothered.
He needs a kick up his complacent butt.
Also,
drop a load of sticky rubbish on his laptop. Sit back and let him clean it up.(not totally serious but...)

[D00MGL00M]

Remaining positive is a good idea and I'd explain to him the emotional impact from your health and not being able to do things you enjoyed anymore is having in you and how you feel it would be easier to remain positive if you didn't have to look at your car everyday reminding you of what you can't do as well as watching him treat it like a bin and complain about how crap it is.

Tell him that there's no guarantee that you will get your license back any time soon you'd feel more positive emotionally selling it now and getting as much for it as you can before he's put a load more mileage on it and decreased it's value further. Tell him it's been over a year and you know how you feel, if he still insists you can't sell your own car and I'd ask why he thinks only he gets to decide what happens to his own car but that he also thinks he gets to decide what you do you with yours as well as telling you how to feel.

[LannieDuck]

You can't control what he does with his car, but you can determine what you do with your car. You don't need to ask his permission.

...and don't use the money to ease the family's financial burden (unless you have no choice) - it's your money, not joint money.

[DeRigueurMortis]

@QueenofmyPrinces

So I said I was thinking of selling my car and telling him what I would use the money for that would ease some financial pressure on all of us, but he said it’s would be silly to sell it.

He said that if I did it, it was like accepting that I won’t drive again and that it’s important I try and be positive and stay hopeful that I will get my licence and my car back.

I asked him what he was planning on doing with his car and he said nothing, and that he’d just use mine until I needed it back for myself.

Oh the cake and eat it response....

He's being a dick.

Stop asking what he plans to do OP and tell him what you are going to do.

It's ridiculous holding onto 2 cars when you don't need them.

Also it's wasteful hanging onto your car (especially as he's treating it like shit) watching it depreciate through age and mileage. If you do get your licence back then it's best to sell your car now and get the most you can for it to enable you to buy another in the future.

As stands if you do get your licence back he'll hand over a car that he's trashed. Where's the positivity in that?

[Nottherealslimshady]

In fact. Even if you will get your licence back, you wont be happy about getting this car back. Sell it. And if you get your licence back buy a new one to celebrate.

[Nottherealslimshady]

If theres no chance you'll get your licence back then you need to sell your car. Get it a good valet and get it sold, you'll have to MOT it before selling it though.
Then he needs to fix his own car instead of letting it rot. You must be bloody loaded to be pissing money away like this!