To be upset about my husband using my car?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

In August 2019 I very sadly lost my driving licence for medical reasons.

I had about 4 months left on my MOT whereas my husbands MOT was just about to expire so I told him he may as well use mine for the 4 months and then we would SORN it.

However, a year and 2 months later he is still using my car and I don’t like it.

His car has just sat on our drive that whole time, it obviously doesn’t start and will need work doing on it to pass the MOT - including new window screen and about two of his tyres are flat. There will be more work needed to.

I didn’t really use my car a lot, only to and fro work two days a week and the occasional short journey here and there but now it’s being used so much more because he uses it to go back and forth to work 5 days a week, he goes to sporting fixtures in it, goes to airports etc and he’s racking my mileage up so much - never mind the wear and tear on it.

He’s not exactly a gentle driver and I have had to have repairs to the suspension and brake pads since he’s had it.

He has never looked after the interior of his own car and now he’s doing exactly the same to mine. Food has been sat into the seats, sweets trod into the flooring, rubbish everywhere, empty cans and bottles under the seats, half empty crisp packets etc - it’s disgusting. I went in the car the other day and I nearly cried.

I have spoken to him many times about it and he says we are a one car family now and there’s no point in paying to sort his own out when he can just use mine.

My MOT is due to expire at the end of November so I have been telling him he needs to sort his car out as I’m going to SORN mine and store it in my mom’s garage.

He nods along and makes the appropriate noise but have heard that he’s told his friend that it will depend on how much it will cost to fix his own car as to whether he stops using mine or not.

He’s always making derogatory comments about my car.....it’s not big enough.....it’s not powerful enough etc and it just upsets me. If it’s such a shit car then why won’t he just drive his own!!!

I miss my car so much. It took me 9 years to get my driving licence because of my health and this car was my first nice car (previous ones have been pretty cheap second hands ones) and I just feel sad about it all.

I can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable about this?

Am I letting my emotions cloud the logic to what he is saying?

[hadtojoin]

If you want to keep your car clean and tidy it seems like the only way is for you to clean it like you were before. Then try and train him to put his rubbish in a bag in the footwell. I know it is a pain for you but at least when you get it back it won't be ruined.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

How did you not know the car was a tip until the other day? Do you not go out as a family?

It’s been a tip for the last year. Normally he picks up all the rubbish if I ask him to enough tines. A few weeks ago though it was just so bad that I gave the whole car a thorough tidy out and hoover/polish etc because it was just so disgusting.

[TurquoiseDragon]

I hated my ex using my car for the simple reason that he'd move the seat, mirror, etc to suit him, but never bothered to move them back into my preferred positions. I have to have my car set up precisely to avoid exarcerbating pre existing joint issues, and the fact that he couldn't be bothered to to change things back, knowing I'd have problems if seat, etc, were not in the right positions said a lot about his attitude towards me. He's an ex, so no need to worry anymore.

That the OP's DH is trashing her car even after OP has spoken about it, speaks volumes about his attitude, too.

[RB68]

Not sure why you are keeping it - sounds like finances are separate so just sell it off. If you are able it get it back later then consider another car. Cars are expensive to run and you would be far better off without it

[KarlKennedysDurianFruit]

DH and I bought our own cars and run out own cars, we both travel for work (and get allowances and maintenance as part of this) and I prefer to have an automatic, DH thinks there's no need to spend more on an auto so prefers manual, I haven't driven manual for years so never drive his car, he sometimes drives mine but only if we're out together. He keeps his car in a terrible state coffee cups and cans in the rear foot wells , I found a solid half a sandwich in there once I don't think he's cleaned it this year. This is why we have separate cars, he can treat his how he likes and I can treat mine how I like, without cleaning up after him or being jointly responsible for any repairs caused by his neglect/lack of maintenance and servicing. I'm his wife not his mother, sometimes a little personal responsibility is a good thing.
The issue here is your husband's lack of respect for something that you bought OP.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

B68

Not sure why you are keeping it - sounds like finances are separate so just sell it off. If you are able it get it back later then consider another car. Cars are expensive to run and you would be far better off without it

Completely agree.

The only reason I kept it over the last year was because I genuinely thought I would get my licence back, but seeing as I didn’t I just don’t see the point of it. The money I would probably get from it would be really helpful to us.

Our finances aren’t separate all - our cars are the only things we bought without our ‘own’ money.

[JenniferSantoro]

Sorry you’ve had to lose your licence due to a medical condition. The main thing that jumps out is that you say he’s your husband, but are being possessive about your car. Surely it’s family car. I can understand you not wanting him to leave it like a shit tip but I think you’re being unreasonable.

[TeamLucille]

YANBU

it still is your car, the least he could do is respect it and not turn it into a rubbish tip. That's just basic manners and basic respect.

If he could manage that, it would make sense to use it.

YOU obviously cannot drive it at the moment, so research how much a car valeting service coming to your house would cost (they are not that expensive...) and show the quote to your husband. Either he pays for it, or he cleans the car.

I can't stand having a dirty and messy car. Nothing wrong with that, I agree with you! Others do whatever they please with their own, I just like mine in a good state.

[freezedriedromance]

I'll be the odd one out and say you aren't being unreasonable. I have no issue whatsoever with my partner using my car and vice versa, but I'd be majorly fucked off if he was treating it like a dustbin.
None of this "train him to put shit in the bin" bollocks.. if he doesn't look after it, he doesn't drive it. Everyone would say the same thing if you'd posted about an 18 year old son/daughter driving the "family car" and leaving it in a state. This is no different. He needs to respect the property. If he wants to drive a shit tip then he drives his own car.

[MagicSummer]

I would be really upset too, OP. I don't understand people who dump rubbish or used food/drink containers in their cars and allow the vehicle to become smelly and just disgusting looking. My car is my pride and joy! Hope you get your licence back soon.

[Cheeseandwin5]

I would hate to be in this type of relationship- you sound awful.
My DH and I have two cars, a smaller one for short journeys or for few ppl and a bigger one for the whole family and kids. He refers to his as the smaller one because he uses it more to go to work and I use the bigger one more, but at the end of the day we use the one which is more practical.
whilst you are unable to drive, how are you getting to places? Or is his car than the family car to do all trips.
If I was him and you had that attitude, I would fix my car and than leave you to get the bus!

[TeamLucille]

I just had a look, one home valeting service cost from £60 (45mn quick hoover and dusting) to £350+ (6 hours!)

I am guessing your DH won't want to pay... but it's his choice, clean or pay!

[TeamLucille]

Cheeseandwin5
I would hate to be in this type of relationship- you sound awful.

would you say the same about someone leaving rubbish all over the house, or dirty laundry everywhere?

If you are happy with mess, it's fine, but a relationship needs to respect what matters to the other.

[Blurp]

Is it a tip to the point where a good valet wouldn't sort it out? Or is it just messy?

If it's just messy and full of rubbish then I'd insist that he gets it really well valeted before you take it back. He should also be paying for any repairs that need done while he's driving it, and a service before he gives it back.

If it's beyond messy and actually scraped or stained or whatever, I'd be furious. But I think I'd wait until you get your licence back, and then get him to buy he car from you (sell his old one), and you get yourself a new one. In the event that you have a break from driving in the future, SORN it at your mum's.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

how are you getting to places? Or is his car than the family car to do all trips.

I don’t really go anywhere - Or I walk.

I have found it very hard losing my freedom

[FabbyChix]

Id be pissed too. In fact Id tell him once you get the MOT sorted you're selling it.

Id also hate the fact some other vehicle was rotting in front of my house.

[randomsabreuse]

I don't get the "mine" and "yours" with family cars. We have 2 cars, 1 is nominally mine because it's slightly smaller, and a petrol and DH used to use the bigger one for work. So for a long time whoever had the kids had the one with the car seats... Now he just commutes to work and we decide which car is more suitable for the day's plans without reference to who's car it technically is. Both have car seats in. I thought everyone worked like this...

[MJMG2015]

@QueenofmyPrinces

YANBU

He's being horrible

Your car means a lot to you and it represents a lot (life/health). He's crapping all over that by treating it like a piece of junk.

You bought it, it's your car, you get to make the decisions. If you want to sworn it & store it for a year while you see if you get your licence back, then do that.

He's let his car deteriorate because he's acted like a selfish, stupid twat. He needs to sort that out.

He's trashing your car & he's treating you horribly, don't be made to feel this should be ok with you, it's bloody well not ok.

[44PumpLane]

Another YANBU..... You don't lose your right to be an individual who owns items because you're married!!!

I own things that are solely mine and I'd be pissed off if my DH unilaterally decided to take them over and vice versa.

Particularly because he isn't respecting your vehicle. If he was taking good care of it and it was simply the mileage I would still understand your point though.

Tell your husband you're selling your car and then do it. If he has enough warning he will only have himself to blame.

If its going to be another 9 months till you might get your licence back that's a long time to wait on a gamble.

[Audreyseyebrows]

I don’t think you are being unreasonable.
My Dh uses mine sometimes but he’s respectful of it being mine. Same as when I use his.

[MJMG2015]

@randomsabreuse

I don't get the "mine" and "yours" with family cars. We have 2 cars, 1 is nominally mine because it's slightly smaller, and a petrol and DH used to use the bigger one for work. So for a long time whoever had the kids had the one with the car seats... Now he just commutes to work and we decide which car is more suitable for the day's plans without reference to who's car it technically is. Both have car seats in. I thought everyone worked like this...

No.

No idea why you'd assume everyone would arrange their lives the same as you either.

I have my car, I know what's in it (rainwear, boots, emergency items), I know how much petrol us in it, the seat is set up for me as are the mirrors etc. It's MY car.

Obviously if one is occasionally needed for the odd particular reason then we swap, but not on a routine/daily basis.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Another YANBU..... You don't lose your right to be an individual who owns items because you're married!!!I own things that are solely mine and I'd be pissed off if my DH unilaterally decided to take them over and vice versa.

Exactly - he buys himself really expensive golf clubs - just because we are married that doesn’t make them mine too.

He’s recently bought himself a really fancy laptop - just because we are married that doesn’t mean it’s mine.

[Ninkanink]

@QueenofmyPrinces

how are you getting to places? Or is his car than the family car to do all trips.

I don’t really go anywhere - Or I walk.

I have found it very hard losing my freedom

This is about so much more than just the car.

I’m sorry you’ve lost so much.

He shows your much loved and looked after car no respect at all. I would hate that too.

Tbh I’d sell your car ASAP. It’s not going to be good for your relationship to have this issue driving a wedge between you. Make sure to reserve a portion of the proceeds of sale to get yourself something nice that will make a real difference to your quality of life right now.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

This is about so much more than just the car.

Very true. It took me 9 years to pass my test from when I first got my provisional licence because I kept losing my licence because of my health

When I eventually passed my test I bought myself a cheap car because I was so convinced I would lose my licence again. When that car died I bought another cheap one for the same reason. When I had 6 years of being able to drive I began to believe that maybe I wouldn’t lose my licence again and so bought myself a nice car. I loved it, it meant everything to me and it represented to me that that I was ‘normal’.

And now - I’ve lost it all again. I’m back to where I was 15 years ago, no licence, rubbish health, no freedom - and seeing my car be treated so badly just really upsets me.

[stackemhigh]

Give him a deadline by which he will no longer have use of your car - 31 October. And MEAN it.