To be upset about my husband using my car?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

In August 2019 I very sadly lost my driving licence for medical reasons.

I had about 4 months left on my MOT whereas my husbands MOT was just about to expire so I told him he may as well use mine for the 4 months and then we would SORN it.

However, a year and 2 months later he is still using my car and I don’t like it.

His car has just sat on our drive that whole time, it obviously doesn’t start and will need work doing on it to pass the MOT - including new window screen and about two of his tyres are flat. There will be more work needed to.

I didn’t really use my car a lot, only to and fro work two days a week and the occasional short journey here and there but now it’s being used so much more because he uses it to go back and forth to work 5 days a week, he goes to sporting fixtures in it, goes to airports etc and he’s racking my mileage up so much - never mind the wear and tear on it.

He’s not exactly a gentle driver and I have had to have repairs to the suspension and brake pads since he’s had it.

He has never looked after the interior of his own car and now he’s doing exactly the same to mine. Food has been sat into the seats, sweets trod into the flooring, rubbish everywhere, empty cans and bottles under the seats, half empty crisp packets etc - it’s disgusting. I went in the car the other day and I nearly cried.

I have spoken to him many times about it and he says we are a one car family now and there’s no point in paying to sort his own out when he can just use mine.

My MOT is due to expire at the end of November so I have been telling him he needs to sort his car out as I’m going to SORN mine and store it in my mom’s garage.

He nods along and makes the appropriate noise but have heard that he’s told his friend that it will depend on how much it will cost to fix his own car as to whether he stops using mine or not.

He’s always making derogatory comments about my car.....it’s not big enough.....it’s not powerful enough etc and it just upsets me. If it’s such a shit car then why won’t he just drive his own!!!

I miss my car so much. It took me 9 years to get my driving licence because of my health and this car was my first nice car (previous ones have been pretty cheap second hands ones) and I just feel sad about it all.

I can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable about this?

Am I letting my emotions cloud the logic to what he is saying?

If he has to mend his own. That money will come out of the family pot?!? That won't benefits anyone???

*If he has to mend his own. That money will come out of the family pot?!? That won't benefits anyone???

The money we would get from selling mine will benefit us all far much more even after deducting the costs of repairing his car.

Seems daft to stick your car in a garage and then pay to fix the other one up. Get rid of the non-MOT car, MOT the other one. When you get your license back get yourself another car.

Get rid of the non-MOT

He won’t sell his car because he likes it too much. He slays my car off, says he can’t wait to have his own car back.....but won’t actually do anything about it.

I’m not going to stick mine in a garage - I’m going to sell it.

Just sell your car

Then I guess I’m being unreasonable.

You’re really not. I am really surprised at the amount of people telling you that you are. I can only assume they are dirty in their own cars, or have no idea how hard you worked to get your licence and car.

I’m going to speak to him tonight and suggest we sell his car. Like as has been said, we are a one car family so there’s no point just having a car sitting there not being used.

Given how much he bitches about your car not being big/powerful enough it should be his that is fixed and yours that is sold (if you’re okay with that). Every time he moans about your car tell him that he is welcome to drive his own. If he doesn’t like your car he can get out and walk. He might think your car is slow but it isn’t as slow as a car that’s can’t get off the drive.

I guess I’m just letting my emotions/upset get the better of me.

In your situation being upset is totally reasonable. I’d be devastated too. Compounded with the lack of respect for your car, I’d be taking the keys back off him.

Just sell your car. Use the money to treat yourself to something nice. You've given him more than enough time. Get it valeted but a company who comes to your house, take photos after and then advertise. Hide the keys in the mean time. Give him a deadline date to sort his. If he chooses not to, then he'll be getting the bus.

Tbh if he was appreciative and looked after it then I'd probably not have an issue.

How do you get about now? Do you rely on him for lifts? That might be your only sticking point.

@TeamLucille
would you say the same about someone leaving rubbish all over the house, or dirty laundry everywhere?

Thats a valid point, and no I wouldn't be, but if you are going to get so territorial that you would than rather sell the car than let him lose it, it is also fair for him to not give you a lift.
You cant say one and not the other.
So would you be ok with him driving the car and you going by bus??

Thats a valid point, and no I wouldn't be, but if you are going to get so territorial that you would than rather sell the car than let him lose it

As I have said many times, I want to sell it because I can’t drive it, we don’t need it and the money would come in really useful for us all.

I have suggested he sell his and he said no.

Your DH is being U.

If as a family you only need one car then one should be sold.

If he doesn't want to sell his car then he needs to fix it. It's ridiculous to leave it being unused.

He's also being very disrespectful in treating your car like a bin. I can't fathom why people do this.

You wouldn't sit in your lounge and lob rubbish behind the sofa and leave it to fester nor would you presumably expect other people to spend time with you in your self made "skip".

Given he refuses to fix his car or respect yours then the obvious solution is to sell it.

That way he'll have to fix his car and you don't have to put up with him treating it badly.

I wouldn't buy a new family car by selling both tbh because I wouldn't want to see that trashed as well and him in effect rewarded with a new car as a result of treating your car badly.

I understand where you’re coming from OP and I think you need to take your car keys back and tell your DH to sort his car out if he wants to drive somewhere.

If he’d taken care of your car and didn’t treat it as his personal dustbin, you would have been happy to share your car with him.

Those posters who can’t see the problem, imagine your DH taking over the cooking but leaving the kitchen in a complete pigsty and never washing up. Would you still think that was okay

Well I’m just off out to get something to eat with him so I will try and have an open and honest conversation with him about it and see what happens.

Thank you for all your thoughts and advice

Since you paid for your car and he paid for his, I don't think YABU at all. He's depreciating your asset by putting more miles on, driving it badly, trashing the inside, etc. I'm glad he's not like this in other areas because it shows a real lack of respect and a mean streak to treat your car like this.
Selling it seems like the best idea. If he wants to continue to use it, then he can sell his car and buy your's instead But emotionally it would probably be best if you both sold your cars then pooled money for a joint family car. FWIW DH and I have separate cars which we each pay for. DH has been using mine more lately and it annoys me too because he is much harsher on the clutch, he leaves rubbish everywhere, etc. So I do understand how you feel.

@QueenofmyPrinces

Well I’m just off out to get something to eat with him so I will try and have an open and honest conversation with him about it and see what happens.

Thank you for all your thoughts and advice

You're a nicer person than me OP

I'd simply be telling him that he's got 3 weeks to get his car fixed and after that you'll be selling yours regardless.

I'm disabled, had my licence taken away and eventually had it reinstated on a restricted basis. I was devastated at the time and I wonder if your similar feelings are seeping in to the way you feel, which is only natural. I don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect your partner to look after your car, especially as it's now likely to be your family car. My car is now our family car and I want it treated the way I would treat it.

I'd lay it on the line for him: treat the family transport with respect or you'll take him off the insurance policy.

Good luck OP.

I've done a total U turn while reading through this thread. I'd feel the same as you.

I hope your chat goes well. But at the end of the day you bought it so you can sell it without his permission or blessing. He should acknowledge this and let you just get on with selling it. Every day he drives it it's worth a bit less ...

I don’t understand the real tip shop you have , if you are unable to drive and your car is better than his then I would get rid of his and let him use yours

When you get your licence back using family money to get a new to you car!! You won't want your old one after he's trashed it.

Tell him to stop being lazing and sort both cars out - sell one and sort out MOT on the other and from now on they are both is as you don't want it back.

@hulahooper2

I don’t understand the real tip shop you have , if you are unable to drive and your car is better than his then I would get rid of his and let him use yours

The OP has already said that her DH refuses to sell his car.

He also apparently doesn't like her car very much....prefers his but cba to fix it resulting in both cars depreciating in value through age and in her cars case, additional mileage.

They don't need two cars so the obvious response is for the OP to force the issue by selling her car which stops him treating it like a portable bin, further depreciation through additional mileage and forces him to fix his car skip.

Carry out what you said you will do. SORN your car and store it elsewhere. He will then need to sort his out or walk.

@QueenofmyPrinces

As I have said many times, I want to sell it because I can’t drive it, we don’t need it and the money would come in really useful for us all.
I have suggested he sell his and he said no.

Ahh I see , ok so what happens to the money if you sell your car? And what happens if he sells his car and uses yours?
Also what happens should you get your license back?? Does he have to get a car , do you have to get a new car?

Apologies- you have answered some of the questions, but it does seem maybe this is a time to start pool your resources more. I really think the ramifications will be too complicated.

You are DEFINITELY not being unreasonable!! It sounds to me like you've looked after your car for years, then had your license revoked (so sorry to hear this!) and now your husband has taken your lovely car and it treated it like a bin and doesn't take care of it. I honestly don't understand why people are saying "What's the big deal? You can't drive it, so let him!" The big deal is that it's YOUR car, you paid for it, you've taken care of it, and you can do with it as you please, even if that means locking it in a garage! If your husband can't be respectful enough to take care of it, then he wreck his own bloody car, and pay for it out of his own pocket instead! Also, is there a chance you'll get your license back? If so, there's even more of a reason to tell your husband to sod off and use his own car xx

Just for reference what model an age are the cars?
If yours is the cheaper practical one to use but his is desirable in a different way then I understand him wanting to keep his but use yours. Start thinking of the cars as both of yours rather than yours and his, it might change your perspective a little.
Me and my partner each have a car but swap as and when it suits the familys needs.
If I'm totally honest it sounds like you're jelous you cant drive your car anymore.

You aren't unreasonable. This car represents so much to you and you have asked him to respect that and he refuses. That's not on.

I would sell it and buy yourself something that is important to you that you wouldn't be able to afford otherwise. An online course, something in the house to give you pleasure, musical instrument, art supplies, whatever you're into.

I'm really sorry you lost your licence