To be upset about my husband using my car?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

In August 2019 I very sadly lost my driving licence for medical reasons.

I had about 4 months left on my MOT whereas my husbands MOT was just about to expire so I told him he may as well use mine for the 4 months and then we would SORN it.

However, a year and 2 months later he is still using my car and I don’t like it.

His car has just sat on our drive that whole time, it obviously doesn’t start and will need work doing on it to pass the MOT - including new window screen and about two of his tyres are flat. There will be more work needed to.

I didn’t really use my car a lot, only to and fro work two days a week and the occasional short journey here and there but now it’s being used so much more because he uses it to go back and forth to work 5 days a week, he goes to sporting fixtures in it, goes to airports etc and he’s racking my mileage up so much - never mind the wear and tear on it.

He’s not exactly a gentle driver and I have had to have repairs to the suspension and brake pads since he’s had it.

He has never looked after the interior of his own car and now he’s doing exactly the same to mine. Food has been sat into the seats, sweets trod into the flooring, rubbish everywhere, empty cans and bottles under the seats, half empty crisp packets etc - it’s disgusting. I went in the car the other day and I nearly cried.

I have spoken to him many times about it and he says we are a one car family now and there’s no point in paying to sort his own out when he can just use mine.

My MOT is due to expire at the end of November so I have been telling him he needs to sort his car out as I’m going to SORN mine and store it in my mom’s garage.

He nods along and makes the appropriate noise but have heard that he’s told his friend that it will depend on how much it will cost to fix his own car as to whether he stops using mine or not.

He’s always making derogatory comments about my car.....it’s not big enough.....it’s not powerful enough etc and it just upsets me. If it’s such a shit car then why won’t he just drive his own!!!

I miss my car so much. It took me 9 years to get my driving licence because of my health and this car was my first nice car (previous ones have been pretty cheap second hands ones) and I just feel sad about it all.

I can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable about this?

Am I letting my emotions cloud the logic to what he is saying?

It is daft to fix a car when there is one working and I thought it was spiteful of you to say you are going to sell it.

I want to sell it because the money for it will come in really handy. It’s not out of spite. I love my car but seeing as I’m not allowed to drive it, it makes more sense to me to sell it and use the money in a way that would really help.

Why do you need to sell it?

Because I’m not allowed to drive it and the money would come in really handy.

Why do you need 2 cars?

We don’t.

Why does he need to fix his up?

So he can drive it.

Why do you need to store it? In a garage?

The idea is I would store it in the hope I would get my licence back again one day. To be honest though, I’m very doubtful of that and just want to sell it. We don’t need two cars.

Just a tip OP - if you are going to put yours in 'storage', you may need to consider preparing it for that. The tyres could get misshapen unless it's raised off them. Not sure if you need to do anything else like disconnect battery or drain oil/fuel? I'm sure you can get advice from somewhere.

My late DF's car was just kept in his garage after his licence was revoked. It needed new tyres and stuff when it was finally going to be driven a couple of years later. All unnecessary expense that we could have prevented - but didn't think about at the time.

If you want to take it off him and store it go ahead and do that, there is no point in waiting for him because he doesn't care about your feelings. But only if you are likely to get your licence back.

@TeamLucille

I just had a look, one home valeting service cost from £60 (45mn quick hoover and dusting) to £350+ (6 hours!)

I am guessing your DH won't want to pay... but it's his choice, clean or pay!

Perfect solution!

I have had to have repairs to the suspension and brake pads since he’s had it.

Please tell me that came out of a joint budget?

If you bought your car yourself then presumably the money from selling it would be yours - there's no chance that's why he's preventing it is it?

YANBU

I can't stand the whole 'you are married so they're joint cars'

I paid 24k for mine. Husband paid 3k for his.

He can use mine, but he can leave it in the same condition it is when he borrowed it and he can help when the value has massively depreciated if he drives it lots.

Gosh I would hate to have pooled finances and argue about who is spending what on things. We each have our own money and buy our own stuff, including cars, tech stuff, clothes, etc. If it's a house or garden item/project, then we usually go halves.

Is it a unique car OP? I had similar and considered storage a few years back, but as it was I heartbreakingly at the time sold it, and then bought a similar one a few years later that I was just as happy with. If it's hard to get hold off etc though then of course storage might make sense- lots of things to consider though, such as disconnecting the battery, raising the wheels, confident rodents won't bite through cables etc on the underside, wear of other bits of the car if they're not used etc. It is worthwhile having someone professionally prepare it, and then it would need someone really to sort it afterwards as well; all at additional expense.

lyra - yes the repairs came out of our joint budgets. All MOT, repairs and petrol costs come out of our joint account. It’s only the actual cars we bought from our personal money.

Yes the money will be mine if I sell it - and I will use it to do something that will ultimately benefit us as a family. He just keeps telling me not to do it as “you’ll get your licence back soon”. Well that’s what I thought 12 months ago and I’m now back at square one again.

I think he doesn’t want me to sell mine because he wants to use it rather than use his own.

I'm sorry about you losing your licence Op, that is obviously hard losing your independence like that.

Regarding keeping your car clean, someone up thread suggested putting a bin in your car and telling him to chuck all his rubbish in the bin and I think this is an excellent idea, it will keep all the sticky drinks and food contained.

Secondly, I think you should sell your car. Tell your husband he needs to get his car fixed and working again, or he sells it and buys himself another one. Don't let him fob you off, he needs to get his car working or sold, but in the meantime you press on with selling your car.

Thanks everyone - people have given me a lot to think about.

I’m off now to go to my doctors and then my husband will be home about 2pm so I will have another chat with him about it.

Thanks everyone

Ok. You need to be firm and take charge. It is hard but try to take the emotion out of it. Talk to him: you are going to sell your car. He needs to use his or sell it and find an alternative at his expense. Get a quote for getting work done on his car back on the road and book it in, reinstate if on SORN, ensure insurance is still up to date. Once you have a date for getting his car back on the road, get him to tidy the mess he has made in your car and book a valet service for it. Then photograph for Auto Trader, or otherwise make plans to ensure your car is sold. Focus on the useful things you will do with the money but keep some aside for a deposit for the day when you are able to drive again and can treat yourself to a lovely one.

I get you, OP. DH and I have our own cars, we pay for them separately (take care of our own insurance, tax etc, though we are each insured on both cars) - DH’s is a bit shit but he would be gutted if I treated it the way you’re describing your DH treating yours.

I was going to say it sounds like you're being a bit irrational and probably because you're upset about your license.
But if he won't pull his finger out and sell his then just put yours on the market ? What's stopping you?

Have it valeted and put it up for sale while there's still some MOT on it

Firstly I am sorry to hear about your health .I am going to go against the grain here ,but I think YANBU at all! Maybe you may be able to drive again in the future or could possibly get some kind of specially adapted car maybe ? I think he is being a Dickhead here TBH .Also why on earth does he leave it looking like a tip FFS! This is massively disrespectful IMO.Of course it makes you feel bad seeing him driving around in your nice car! I would get it valeted and put it up for sale .That would make him sort his car out . Put the money from the car sale away for Taxi fares or a Season Ticket for the Train (once Covid is behind us obv) This is disrespectful to you and I can see why you are cross .It would be different if you still drove and were a 2 car family .I took a long time to pass my test as well and would feel like you do in this situation .Its completely shit!

he says we are a one car family now

Has he always had trouble with maths??

If you are likely to get your licence back in the future ,Then Sell it and keep the money to one side for a deposit on a new one!

Aside from the practicalities I think YANBU to be upset at your husband completely disrespecting your feelings.

You both need to stop thinking about your cars as my car and his/her car. They are family cars and you need to have a discussion along the lines of, ok I wont be able to drive for the next year, so no point having two cars when one is sitting rotting on the driveway. Which one will we keep and which one will we sell? Call them the Corsa/Golf/Focus or whatever, not my car. Any maintenance costs come out of family money.

If it is a family car, then it is not just the driver that needs to keep it clean! You get benefit from it too. If he is being gross in the car, that is different discussion.

Any maintenance costs come out of family money.

Yes - but the cost of the cars didn’t.

He paid for his car - it is his.
I would never class his car as being mine.

I paid for my car -it is mine.
He does not class my car as his. It’s just the ones he’s using because he can’t be bothered to sort his own out.

Your car is like your phone or your jewellery or your handbag. It is personal to you. I had an awful divorce but we didn't contest our cars.

He needs to sort out his car or negotiate with you as to the future status of your car. If he wants it to become a "family" car or his replacement car, that should be with your consent.

I don't get the "mine" and "yours" with family cars. We have 2 cars, 1 is nominally mine because it's slightly smaller, and a petrol and DH used to use the bigger one for work. So for a long time whoever had the kids had the one with the car seats... Now he just commutes to work and we decide which car is more suitable for the day's plans without reference to who's car it technically is. Both have car seats in. I thought everyone worked like this..

Nope. Not everyone does things the same as you. Even in a marriage people are allowed to have their own possessions, including a car, and it's perfectly reasonable to expect if you've offered the use of your possessions to someone else to expect them to look after it. OP volunteered up the use of her car. It's not like she said you can't use it. He's used it and trashed it. If it was a friend she'd let use her car for a few months and they returned it in that state she'd be told they're shit friends who have no respect for her. But cos it's her husband then she has to suck it up? Fuck that. Her has his own car parked up rotting away, if it's all shared then OP should sell the car that's been left to deteriorate on the drive for the last year.

It's not about him using the car from the sounds of it, it's about him knowing how much it means to her and still treating it like a trash can. I dare bet if OP said she's the one using her husbands car and he's upset she makes a mess of it, people would be telling her she's unreasonable and should clean the fucking thing and maintain it instead of leaving it for her husband.

I commented on the first page saying that YABU as they are family assets and I thought you were being silly. Having read other peoples comments, I have considered this further and now actually agree that YANBU. I dont think your issue actually has much to do with him using the car, but rather the lack of respect that he is showing towards something you worked very hard for. In that light, you are within your rights to be upset and to have a serious conversation with him about why he thinks that kind of behaviour is reasonable.

I agree with others that you should just sell the car and if you get your license back in the future, buy a new one as a fresh start. You don't need his permission to sell the car as I assume it is registered in your name only. Get it advertised and inform him, rather than ask him.