To turn down this gift from my in laws?

[WankPuffins]

My in laws are lovely and I appreciate this is a nice problem to have.

It was my 40th earlier this year but I was having an awful pregnancy, suffering from HG, in and out of hospital. It wasn’t marked in anyway.

MIL has asked Dh for a list of my favourite clothes brands. She’s found a personal shopper/stylist who is doing an online personal online styling service that includes a (socially distance or video call) wardrobe ‘shop’ and makeover. It’s to the tune of £500 including new outfits. So really bloody generous of them as a belated 40th/early Christmas gift.

The thing is, I don’t wear anything other than old leggings and t shirts as I don’t go anywhere or do anything. Pre lockdown I only left the house for the school run really or family walks somewhere. We don’t have money to go out and about And I’ve got no friends so don’t meet up with anyone, so while it would be nice to have some lovely clothes, I’d never wear them.

And my god, my ‘wardrobe’ consists of crappy old t shits, a couple of jumpers, a couple of cheap dresses incase I ever have to look a bit smart (mainly for parents Evening or going to the doctor 😳), so it would be mortifying to have anyone see the bits of crap I’ve got. Honestly, a charity shop wouldn’t take most of the clothes I wear day to day they are too worn out.

Over the years I have had moments of wanting to look nicer, bought myself a few bits but then never wore them - don’t want to chuck them on just to drop off in the car for school, don’t want to come home and clean in them and then just spend all day playing on the floor with a baby or child, or get messy at a toddler group (I’ve had three kids over 18 years so I’ve never got out of the running around after a child phase!)

If I had anything nice now, it would be utterly pointless. I know I look like shit most of the time but honestly, nice clothes would be uncomfortable and get ruined.

Just thinking about it has made me feel really down about myself.

(I now realise I sound like a really pathetic slob reading that back).

@TheBestSpoon

Glad you like 'em, really hope it works for you.

I'll tell the lady who recommended them, she is so generous and loves to hear when the word gets passed on.

#LovelyClothesNotJustforBest

It sounds like it’s the perfect gift. Please try it.

And if you have any of those nice things in your wardrobe still trying wearing one tomorrow. Just a top you like maybe. After all if you don’t wear it you’ll just donate or bin it eventually so if you do wreak it you’ll end up in the same place.

I do get it. I have a toddler. I spend my days digging in mud and splashing in puddles. But I do it in practical clothes I feel good about

@Laiste

OK OP. Go to the style and beauty forum here on Mumnsnet

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/style_and_beauty

and start a thread about the present and asking for ideas for spending £500 on what YOU want to spend it on. Tell us your size and shape and exactly what you want to come away with in the end.

Trust me they'll fall over themselves on there to do lots of lovely links for you. It's what it's for! (i'll be over there later :))

As for MIL - she sounds lovely - have a chat and tell her you'd love to replace all your everyday clothes and throw in some luxury lounge wear too and ask if that's ok?

1. she can't really say no
2. say the luxury word and she'll be happy that you're treating yourself!

Agreed - do this.

Jeggings are good - I got some great Next black ones which I wore the other weight (somehow lost weight), and really nice jumpers - Top Shop/Cos/& Other Stories do nice jumpers which look less mum like and are trendy. DSIL has a toddler but likes nice clothes - Whistles, Cos, Arket etc but chooses wisely what suits her - plus she's size 8 and 5ft9 or 10, forget which.

Shoes/trainers - this is stuff DSIL also finds hard but because she's size 8 shoe/boot.

Also - if you run out of money don't feel bad spending money on actual clothes.

I've been making more of an effort with makeup (Stila kitten and other eyeshadow, eyeliner etc) - NDN saw and said 'oooh what's that? You look great!' and she went onto Boots or LookFantastic and got the Stila Kitten, a basic eyeliner palette etc and said she tries to do this at least once a week (whilst prying kids off her...!). as L'oreal says - 'you're worth it'.

Do it - but use the stylist to get you nicer versions of the stuff you do like to wear - good quality leggings (are like hens' teeth!!!), washable merino tops that are soft, warm and practical, a good quality coat, some smart comfy boots or trainers, nice scarf and gloves... You just need to be clear to the stylist what your brief is - good quality clothes for playing on your hands and knees with the kids... She's working for you...
(I use the personal stylist at john lewis when I need new jeans as I hate jeans shopping and she goes around the shop and picks loads of varieties up in my size and length while I sit on a sofa with a glass of prosecco and then I have this super big room in which to try them on!!! Ok yours will probably be an online thing - but just think of it as hassle free shopping that sorts your wardrobe for the next couple of years!)

@GemmeFatale

It sounds like it’s the perfect gift. Please try it.

And if you have any of those nice things in your wardrobe still trying wearing one tomorrow. Just a top you like maybe. After all if you don’t wear it you’ll just donate or bin it eventually so if you do wreak it you’ll end up in the same place.

I do get it. I have a toddler. I spend my days digging in mud and splashing in puddles. But I do it in practical clothes I feel good about

My NDN is slim enough and looks good in sweatshirts and slogan t-shirts with 'European' etc on. Wish I could get away with that! They suit her - and she used to have a toddler and wear them.

OP if you buy new versions of the things you already wear, it will feel silly and an unnecessary luxury at first, but after a while it'll feel OK, and you will quite possibly feel better about yourself. You wouldn't be afraid of somebody knocking at the door and you having to answer it, for a start.

And why not get yourself something, pretty much what you wear now but a bit more special, to wear on Christmas Day (or another day at Christmas if you'll be working).

I get what you mean about being dressed up. I don't quite wear the same clothes as you, but if it's anything too structured or too smart (where it's not really necessary - fine if I'm going to a wedding or funeral, but not for going to the pub) I feel like the clothes are wearing me rather than the other way round.

But on a different note, doctors make the worst patients - they think they know what's wrong and how to deal with it, but they're not objective. So every doctor has to have a doctor. Similarly therapists know what their issues are and feel like with their knowledge they should be able to fix themselves without anyone else being involved. So therapists have to have a supervisor.

It does sound like you know that you have depression, but because you're a MH nurse you're just resigned to it. You really don't sound from your OP that you think you're of any value even though professionally you know that's not true. Please try to think differently about yourself, with professional help if necessary. L'Oreal knew what they were doing when they chose to advertise skin and hair care under the slogan 'Because you're worth it'.

Yes, since you have a comfortable amount, get at least one nice branded lounge wear piece. You can name drop your cashmere hoody from ….. and I'm sure that will please MIL if you think that matters to her. I'm sure she really just wants to do something nice for you.

OP, it might be worth looking at ethical brands that make the leggings and loungewear that you already love - that way your budget will be used up quicker and you won't feel so indulgent, and you get really high quality fabrics that should last for years!

Girlfriend (www.girlfriend.com/) is stocked in a few places around the UK, and you could spend £500 on just leggings and jumpers easily :)

I’ve got a thing for 1950s and 60s clothing. So if I buy or want anything nice it’s vintage or repro - they are so impractical for just being in the house! I get uncomfortable very quickly and reach for the holey leggings!

Be upfront with the stylist. You like:

• 50s and 60s styles and vintage
• You're unlikely to wear anything that isn't utterly comfortable, e.g leisure wear

I'm sure they'll enjoy a challenge!

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

And if she asks what you bought, tell her sexy lingerie then you can justifiably not show her.

Great idea and actually quite a good one! What about some fabulous quality, well fitted and comfortable bras? You've changed size and shape recently, so new bras would make such a difference.

Your MIL sounds lovely and I'm sure she's not expecting you to change your image. She can probably tell you're not feeling great about yourself and probably wants to help your self esteem. Get comfy, practical and quality clothes. A warm and weatherproof coat for the school run and trips to the park. Great boots. Some good jeans and a nice top to wear on Christmas Day.

Bin the holey leggings!

I so want to look nice but there is no point

Awww, OP, that's SO sad. What about your DH? Don't you think there's a point in looking nice for him?

Definitely take up your MIL's lovely offer - it sounds as though you really need some new clothes. I agree with everyone else - just get some nice comfortable casual stuff.

Well done on the weight loss, btw. From a 22 to a 16 is a fantastic achievement.

I’m hesitant to spent all that Money on new comfy clothes Incase she’s put out by it. She’s really nice, I don’t want her to think I’m taking the piss.

If she's really nice, then you should be able to discuss it with her. Without sounding too down on yourself, tell her that you don't have an opportunity to wear fashionable clothes, but it would be lovely to have some new everyday clothes. See what she says, don't try to second guess her. If the clothes you describe in your OP are really as bad as you describe then she'll have seen you in them, and it might be that she doesn't have ballgowns or bodycon dresses in mind, just a newer version of you to make you feel better.

Accept the gift and enjoy getting some new clothes.

Like lots of others have said just because it's a personal shopper it doesn't mean you have to get fancy clothes that you don't wear. Pick things you like and can wear at home.

You can get new leggings, jumpers, tshirts, socks, underwear, jackets, boots etc. All stuff that can be comfortable and worn day to day.

It does sound like your old stuff is a bit worn out so take this opportunity for a refresh.

So explain all this to the personal shopper and find some bits that are smarter than what you have now, but are super comfortable and make you feel good when you wear them. You won't be the first person to ask for that - it's literally the job of a personal shopper to find you clothes that suit you and your lifestyle so you can ask for whatever you want. They love finding clothes to make you feel good and give you a real lift :)

@Feedingthebirds1 it’s not that I don’t think I’m worth it, I am. it’s just like I said in my OP, I don’t see the point in wearing nice things just to sit in the house. I have bought nice things but I just go to the comfortable option. I’ve never really been into my appearance or clothes That much (although it’s only my clothes that look scruffy, I wash and do my hair everyday as it’s a birds nest otheriwise), but yeah, I’ve let it slide too long when most stuff has holes in

I don’t mean to sound like a martyr either - just explaining how my life is!

Wow, this gift is perfect for you. I read a stylist a while ago saying that the mistake people make is to shop for a fantasy life that they don't actually lead. A stylist will help you get the best clothes for your real life: hard wearing, practical clothes that are an upgrade on what you normally wear. Just do it, OP!

I know how you feel, I spent years living in comfy scruffy clothes bringing up my young children. You do really sound down on yourself. I think you could accept this offer and get yourself some comfy clothes and possibly something nice for when you do get the chance. You could get some warm, cosy, leggings for walks etc. I spend most of my time in the house and literally live in comfy clothes. But these days I really feel so much better looking half decent too. I live in nice soft wool jumpers. Also, I think you could get a couple of nice dresses for a treat.

Which brands did you say you liked? You definitely deserve a treat and as someone who does quite like to follow what the fashions are but also be comfy and practical it feels like there are lots of good options this season. Lots of new shaped jeans, not just skinnies so maybe something to look into, a flattering but still comfortable new shape? Lots of nice knitwear, seems lots of cardigans are about which would be nice for layering. You seem worried about being judged for what you choose but are judging this offer. Why not insist that the first thing is some new leggings then build from there. Good luck, I feel you need to report back!

@Time40 my Dh is the same as me when he takes his work suit off! And no, with the best will in the world, I don’t want to look nice for him. And he wouldn’t expect me to feel that way. He’d rather I was comfortable to be honest. I do know what you mean though, I’m not being snippy.

And thank you, I gained a lot of weight after my second child due to some medication so it was a relief to lose it! I didn’t gain much in this pregnancy just a couple of lbs as I’m still overweight so at least that’s something - I’m much healthier now than I was a couple of year ago.

@MaosChaos

Could you not get a new coat, winter boots, bag and an outfit you could wear to the pub with friends. Something you like. And get new undies, PJ's, leggings etc??

This.

I think this is a lovely chance to just get some nice comfy warm clothes for the new season. Nothing fancy but you’ll feel great in something new. Don’t turn down such a lovely gift!

What a truly thoughtful gift. You’ve had a tough time, I hope you enjoy it. They sound like really nice in-laws to have.

Fair enough, OP. I hope you do take up the offer though. Go for it, and then come back and show us what you got. I bet you it will give you pleasure and lift your mood.

I’ve not ready any comments or updates but from your op I think you should accept the offer. When you mention “nice clothes” they don’t have to be uncomfortable skirts and blouses. Let the stylist help you be in nice casual clothes that suit in with your lifestyle (in which you can get messy). It will be good for you. Please take care of yourself :) wishing you all the best!

Tell the consultant that you need everything washable/tumble dryable and that you want stuff with a bit of stretch as you don’t want to be uncomfortable. You could get a smart pair of black trousers and a nice top so that would do for times when you need to look smart.
Sports leggings/ knickers/bras/tshirts etc for the balance.

Get clothes for the life you are living now.
I'd get a smart coat, knee length boots and a nice hat and scarf (you can wear what you like under them but still look smart, and good quality leggings and t-shirts. Bin the crap ones. You are slimmer now and they probably don't fit.

It's a generous present. Receive it graciously but get stuff you'll use and wear them.