To turn down this gift from my in laws?

[WankPuffins]

My in laws are lovely and I appreciate this is a nice problem to have.

It was my 40th earlier this year but I was having an awful pregnancy, suffering from HG, in and out of hospital. It wasn’t marked in anyway.

MIL has asked Dh for a list of my favourite clothes brands. She’s found a personal shopper/stylist who is doing an online personal online styling service that includes a (socially distance or video call) wardrobe ‘shop’ and makeover. It’s to the tune of £500 including new outfits. So really bloody generous of them as a belated 40th/early Christmas gift.

The thing is, I don’t wear anything other than old leggings and t shirts as I don’t go anywhere or do anything. Pre lockdown I only left the house for the school run really or family walks somewhere. We don’t have money to go out and about And I’ve got no friends so don’t meet up with anyone, so while it would be nice to have some lovely clothes, I’d never wear them.

And my god, my ‘wardrobe’ consists of crappy old t shits, a couple of jumpers, a couple of cheap dresses incase I ever have to look a bit smart (mainly for parents Evening or going to the doctor 😳), so it would be mortifying to have anyone see the bits of crap I’ve got. Honestly, a charity shop wouldn’t take most of the clothes I wear day to day they are too worn out.

Over the years I have had moments of wanting to look nicer, bought myself a few bits but then never wore them - don’t want to chuck them on just to drop off in the car for school, don’t want to come home and clean in them and then just spend all day playing on the floor with a baby or child, or get messy at a toddler group (I’ve had three kids over 18 years so I’ve never got out of the running around after a child phase!)

If I had anything nice now, it would be utterly pointless. I know I look like shit most of the time but honestly, nice clothes would be uncomfortable and get ruined.

Just thinking about it has made me feel really down about myself.

(I now realise I sound like a really pathetic slob reading that back).

Seriously you need to make more of an effort - why not accept her gift and enjoy it .

She sounds like a lovely MIL and it seems that you two have a great relationship - always nice to see. I must say this sort of gift would send me into a blazing panic so I completely get your reluctance. For me it would come down to a horrible fear of doing it all wrong (i.e. not the way the gift-giver would do it) and disappointing people. I don't know if that resonates with you at all but thought I'd explain just in case it did.

I'm glad that you'll be able to use the gift after all and in a way that will make you feel good, which was surely the point

It's a lovely belt gift op. Even if you just buy clothes for nice days out that can be kept nice in the wardrobe. The time will come when you will go out for dinner/pub/activity of choice and you will have something lovely to wear!

Belt.... I meant lovely gift

Don't be a martyr! Just gratefully accept the gift ... and enjoy!

RTFT...

I agree with a nice coat, jeans boots and maybe be really cheeky and ask for a couple hours babysitting as you would love to go to the pub with your husband to show off your new clothes. I think a new wardrobe and a few hours out of the house will do you the world of good even if just for a few hours.

I think you need to accept this gift as a way to start feeling better about yourself. Perhaps the makeover is what you need to boost your self esteem a little? You don’t need to buy party dresses, just lovely every day stuff that will make you feel good.
I also think it’s a lovely gesture from the in laws. My MIL would never think of anything like this, let alone gift it to me!

You are SO lucky to have kind and respectful in laws. Please please accept this gesture for mainly two reasons:

• If you don’t, you would depreciate your value in their eyes. In the future, they won’t bother giving you a present and in the long run you would become someone who can be passed over. Even if you will never use the new outfits, accept them for the sheer act of acknowledging your own value in the eyes of your in laws. This is a really important psychological point (believe me - I have a PhD in psych!!)
• It looks like your wardrobe anyway needs a revamp. There is also an instrumental value in accepting this gift. Why not making use of it to upgrade your looks? You will like how it will make you feel!

Strangely feeling happy for you even though I don’t know you 🤔 Probably I would love to have such a gift from my own in laws, who are always rough, jealous, and unappreciative!

Look at a Mint Velvet. It’s really comfortable.

I would be mortified to arrange all that for my daughter in law to have it rejected.
It sounds like she knows you are down and not looking your best and it is a very thoughtful not to mention generous gift.
You don’t have to get smart clothes.
How about some nicer leggings and tops even if you only wear them to go to playgroups ( a lot of my best friends were met at a playgroup )
Perhaps some nice pyjamas for lazy days, some shoes and a warm coat for school runs and family walks.
Maybe some nice underwear, bedroom wear I’m sure as all of us with children have done at some time, sexy stuff hasn’t been bought for a while. Give the hubby a nice treat from the gift too.
I’m sure he would love to see you in some nice new stuff rather than “ clothes a charity shop wouldn’t want “
It sounds like the people around you know you need a bit of a pick up

Mint Velvet leggings are really good, apparently.

Practical, comfortable clothes can still be lovely and make you feel good.

I’m wearing a new jumper today. It wasn’t expensive and is a fun print. I’m wearing it with old comfy jeans and boot, no makeup, no jewellery, hair tied back. Nothing formal, fancy or uncomfortable.

I’ve had fIve different people complement me on my jumper today. It’s made me feel great. I will be very happy to wear it again and again, because I know it will make me feel good.

Go for it! It’s a nice gift and it sounds like you would really benefit from the boost.

This is so sad to read. You really do sound like you need the stylist.

I went to Debenhams in Guildford to get a dress for my sons holy communion, donkeys years ago. The stylist was fabulous.

I know you are not going anywhere but would you like a lovely new coat? Some boots, a decent pair of jeans and some jumpers? Some loungewear? Just these things alone could easily get to £500. Please take the offer. If you get a couple of new but comfortable outfits you will feel brilliant!

Take your mother in law's offer she is doing the right thing to acknowledge that you have weathered a tough year and should be able to focus on yourself in some way. Choose clothes you find comfortable and try on some random things that you wouldn't normally wear and see how you feel,

What a generous and thoughtful mum in law you have! She knows you would never spend £500 on new clothes for yourself which exactly why it's a lovely gift. Accept it and you may be surprised how great you feel about yourself..Take the stylist's advice and spent guilt free on some outfits. You may be surprised

You could thank your in laws and say it would make you feel uncomfortable having the personal shopper but you would love to have some money to use to buy a new winter coat, leggings and some walking shoes. Explain that you do have a few good pieces of clothing but never wear it as nowhere to go in it. Do in laws know you have no friends to go out with? A gift should not make you feel like crap. Your in laws are clearly fond of you and think you need a treat. It has been hard over lockdown.

Having worked in retail for YEARS ( and now a hospital - so I feel you on the “scrubs” thing”. Like, what is life outside the clothes I pull off at work and dump in locker ?😆 )
it sounds like not only have you lost your mojo , but your worth too? Bit of mum guilt at the big spend? 🤔
LOADS of mums would come into my shop and be like “ aaargh there’s no time! I’m in jeans and a jumper , mostly!” Well that’s totally fine - let’s go find you some nice flattering jumpers and nice new jeans! We ll stick some nice new boots or pumps with them-bit of blush and gloss and there the “updated“ you!
Mums tend to loose themselves and sounds like you need a wee spoil sesh!
Yes, plenty of woman were uncomfortable trying on things I’d suggest ,( they hated their tummies /legs etc) but sometimes you just need a kind word from someone to go “ damn , you’ve got nice long legs - let’s find some skirts”
You may find you WANT to go out once you’ve some nice things to show off.
Think more Gok Wan than Trinny &Susannah

Any stylist or personal shopper worth their weight will find you outfits that are practical for your life and flattering to your physique. It wouldn’t have to be elegant evening wear. It could be a lovely winter coat or some cosy knitwear or some comfy winter boots. It sounds like a lovely gift and one that would be a real treat for you.

YABU and I'm going to lay it down because I've been in your position:

The gift isn't the issue, your life is. Sorry to be blunt but you need to pull yourself together, make some friends and if you're going to slob out at least do it in some nice lounge wear.

It's not about what we or your MIL thinks of you, this is about how you feel about yourself and you need to start liking yourself a whole lot more and treating yourself better.

I'm also going to say what you're not supposed to say: I'm pretty sure your husband didn't want to marry a slob either so there's that to consider and before everyone starts wringing their hands and shouting about loving people for who they are: that's a fairytale. It doesn't exist anywhere in reality and those that say otherwise are deluding themselves.

I wouldn't worry about it right now as you're suffering enough as it is and you're right, a new wardrobe is the least of your concerns but I want you to promise yourself that once you've had baby and you're up and running you will accept this gift, get your hair done and get on some local SM sites to make friends. You need to love yourself and have you're own identity.

There are loads of really nice comfy clothes out there that will make you feel nice and still be hard wearing. As a mental health nurse you must be aware of how much better anybody feels when they take a bit of time and attention for themselves. Your MIL sounds like a thoughtful person who isn’t trying to push her taste on you. I wear lots of mama b and masai as I like loose and comfortable, and I am living in a wreck we are renovating. Please accept in the spirit offered, and just make sure stylist totally understands your needs.

It sounds like you need to accept it with the live it is given. Buy decent bras at least. Buy new leggings and T-shirts if you want. I'd buy a decent dress, cardigans and a good coat that's waterproof for the school run. Maybe get some decent shoes? You'll be surprised how little you get for the money once you've bought bras and a coat. My last underwear bill was over £30 a bra...

YANBU

I have a nice dress sense and decent wardrobe but a HG pregnancy, small baby and then another on the way has really taken its toll!

You lose your sense of self. My DS is 7 months now and I’m guessing your little one is not dissimilar. I’m not ready to have a big fashion overhaul and certainly aren’t ready to be judged by a personal shopper. I can’t imagine anything worse than negotiating with someone else over what I’ll wear!

In your situation I’d ask DH to have a quiet work with MIL and say ‘it’s such a kind offer and she does want new clothes and some nice bits BUT she’s not at the stage of overhauling her wardrobe or having a personal shopper it’s just a bit overwhelming. Would you mind maybe doing a gift card/voucher for a store she likes and letting her get the stuff she wants herself?’

I would ask for marks and Spencer personally, lots of practical essential clothes (leggings, underwear, jeans, jumpers...etc) but also if money is tight could pick yourself up a couple of treats in the food hall. Some nice puddings or sweets.

I will start by saying I get it..... I have been where you are. And I’ll also tell you I did the stylist thing.... and it lifts my mood every single day. You don’t have to go designer or impractical... but good quality clothes - even leggings - will make such a difference - and they genuinely do last longer and perform better (e.g no saggy knees on leggings etc). It’s a lovely gift and you are not coming across as a slob or ungrateful in any way - you’ve done the right thing in thinking it through - I hope you find some things that work with your lifestyle because you clearly appreciate the gesture and people like you deserve to be pampered