“It’s me or the cat!”

[GonePenguin]

Ok, not quite that dramatic/black and white ultimatum.

Moved in with bf. The cat is an utter bastard. He was shy for a few weeks - got him to nuzzle me in the mornings (he wants feeding) - but now he stalks and ambushes me. He doesn’t do this to bf. It’s more awful the three or so times a day he gets his ‘crazy 10 minutes’. I walk into rooms and have to check under sofas and beds etc so I can at least prepare myself for him scrambling after me with his claws out.

I really hate the damn cat. It does nothing but take, take, take. He’s 3 and half Bengal. My bf is never home and barely pays it any attention, but claims he loves it because he was there for him during dark periods. This cat is an indoor cat. Bf asks me that I feed the cat...even if he’s at home too. Ummm, he managed before I came along. Further, I love dogs but don’t have one because I haven’t the time to take care of it...so why have I now got to take on a bastard cat? Bf says it’s more like doing him (bf) a favour.

I’ve said I won’t live somewhere I get attacked/have to be on edge. Bf says he’s just playing and it’s his breed. My feelings still stand. Bf obviously won’t train the cat to behave (he doesn’t even play with him)...I’ve taken to arming myself with a water spray, but I still feel a prisoner/hostage in my own home.

I’d feel bad for my bf if we got rid of the cat...but I also genuinely think it's unreasonable of him to have got the cat in the first place.

So:

YABU - suck it up.
YANBU - it goes.

I’ve never had a pedigree stolen either.

This is only a suggestion and I'm not even sure it's a good idea but...

Does he need a playmate?

I've only ever had cats in pairs so they entertain each other a lot of the time.

Both very different but they clearly love each other as they sleep together and groom each other.

1. get a cat flap and let the cat outside, that will get rid of most of its energy

OP said they live in a flat.

Just please do the decent thing and try to persuade your DP to do the kindest thing and rehome the poor cat.

No, of course you can't train cats, look at .

You've got a useless lazy boyfriend who gets an unsuitable pet and then neglects it OP. And he doesn't seem to care about you much either, sorry.

I don’t think it’s right that you refuse to feed the cat. When you moved in you should have known the cat was a part of the deal. You are a family now and that includes the cat, so you now have a duty of care which includes feeding him.

I totally disagree.

She needed to agree to peacefully coexist with the cat when she moved in. But there’s no reason she needs to take on cat care. It’s her boyfriend’s pet. The only person with a duty of care is him.

Does she have to agree to take on maintenance for his car too?

YABU - as in you should leave.

Put the cat up for adoption with someone who has time for it. So unfair on the poor animal. Some folk are so selfish when it comes to animal welfare.

OP, your boyfriend seems to be seriously lacking in empathy towards both you and the cat. He is not thinking of the cat's needs at all and basically seems to want both of you to shut up and stop bothering him. This is a red flag IMO.

Bin the BF, rehome the cat. How he's treating it is cruel. And you too. He seems to not give a shit, just carry on with his life and not make any effort.

Your bf has provided you with a useful insight into his attitude to responsibility. He thinks you should do all the care work and make all the sacrifices. I would re-home myself first.

@IrenetheQuaint

OP, your boyfriend seems to be seriously lacking in empathy towards both you and the cat. He is not thinking of the cat's needs at all and basically seems to want both of you to shut up and stop bothering him. This is a red flag IMO.

Completely agree. That's the reason I would leave if it were me.

I made the point that this is insight to me being a single parent (and dealing with his cat on top of that as a third dependent) this morning and that seemed to stop him in his tracks a bit

The cat isn’t even pedigree! It’s a half Bengal found off gumtree and isn’t even chipped!

What an utterly miserable depressing existence for an animal. It is animal abuse. The cat will eventually go mad from lack of stimulation and isolation.
I've seen this happen. I could weep for the little animal.

@GonePenguin

I made the point that this is insight to me being a single parent (and dealing with his cat on top of that as a third dependent) this morning and that seemed to stop him in his tracks a bit

The cat isn’t even pedigree! It’s a half Bengal found off gumtree and isn’t even chipped!

I think you've had an insight into your bf you probably didn't expect to have. He's lazy, inconsiderate and pretty thoughtless. Unless he has a fairly radical wake up I would seriously reconsider him as a keeper.

@WooMaWang

I don’t think it’s right that you refuse to feed the cat. When you moved in you should have known the cat was a part of the deal. You are a family now and that includes the cat, so you now have a duty of care which includes feeding him.

I totally disagree.

She needed to agree to peacefully coexist with the cat when she moved in. But there’s no reason she needs to take on cat care. It’s her boyfriend’s pet. The only person with a duty of care is him.

Does she have to agree to take on maintenance for his car too?

How can you compare a car to a cat? If he had a child that she was refusing to feed then it would be a different story. Animals aren’t possessions or inanimate objects.

Let your parting gift to him be that you have secretly found his cat a loving home. You know he will be comforted post the break up knowing that at last his cat is being looked after suitably instead of shamefully neglected.

YABU that he should give up the cat because you don’t like it.

However, it’s not right that he fobs off feedings to
you. It’s his cat, he should take care of it and there are tons of resources on preparing a stimulating environment for cats that he should review!

Tbh he just sounds lazy

I voted that the cat should be rehomed simply because the actual owner is not looking after the poor cat and no I do not think you should do this for him as you clearly don't wish to. If you rehome via one of the charities the cat will be rehomed to someone who will give it the time it needs and to a house with outside access.

Are you in London? If so, and you're serious about getting rid of him, I would be interested in having him.

For goodness sake dont have kids with this man!

He cant be arsed to feed his own cat yet claims to "love" him. You'll be left with the caring of the kids full stop. I thi k you have had your eyes open to your bf personality.

I dont advocate the squirting etc of the cat or getting bf to give it away BUT if you want the relationship to go any where then he needs to engage with the cat to exercise it etc or get advice from a professional. My kids use to watch an American chap who worked with nightmare cats like this. Usually they act like that because they are bored or threatened but it can't go on.

If your bf wont address the problem I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship at all its levels...

I don't like the idea of rehoming pets unless it's practically unavoidable, but in this instance, it does sound like the cat isn't really being cared for.

In your place, the lack of real concern and care for both you and the cat would be enough to make me consider leaving him. It's highlighting some very unattractive personality traits that he won't take you seriously and expects you to take care of his pet for him even when he's home, himself.

I don't think I'd be happy with a man who cared so little for me and the pet who supposedly had helped him through such dark times. The future isn't looking bright with this man.

OP I think you should steer clear of the me or the cat line and make it about your bf’s selfishness and irresponsibility in keeping that particular (half) breed in a small flat. That it’s aggression may be distress.

That it was there for him when he was low is no justification to continue to imprison it - it’s just more selfishness. The cat is not a psychiatrist or prostitute.

How can you compare a car to a cat?

If he had a child that she was refusing to feed then it would be a different story. Animals aren’t possessions or inanimate objects.

I am aware that some people think pets are just like people. However, a pet is much more like a possession than it is like a child, in my mind. I would never consider a pet to be a family member etc. They’re things people choose to have and, if they do, they have a responsibility to look after them. You aren’t a parent to a pet; you are a pet owner.

Tbh, the OP would be within her rights to refuse to take on all the work of looking after a child whose father wouldn’t do it. She’d be wrong to let a child starve (Obviously) but it would be fine to tell a father that he needs to organise contact so that he can look after and spend time with the child, rather than just assuming his girlfriend should be doing it for him.

Same with a cat, the OP shouldn’t need to be feeding the cat or playing with it - the cat’s owner should be doing that. She moved in with him. It doesn’t make her responsible for all the things he’s responsible for.

How can you compare a car to a cat?
If he had a child that she was refusing to feed then it would be a different story. Animals aren’t possessions or inanimate objects.

I agree to an extent but....

There is a big difference between telling someone you're not going to feed their cat or look after their child so they need to make other arrangements (which is fine) and actually not feeding said hungry cat or caring for said child if in the end the owner or parent abandons them and you're the only one around. Only owners/parents are responsible for their pets/children. They can't just decide unilaterally to delegate that responsibility to someone else. But if they do fail to fulfil their responsibilities, most decent people would step in and ensure the animal or child is properly cared for until they can hand over responsibility to someone else (like a new owner, animal rescue or social services). That's different from it being the OP's duty to care for this animal, though. The duty is solely on the owner.