“It’s me or the cat!”

[GonePenguin]

Ok, not quite that dramatic/black and white ultimatum.

Moved in with bf. The cat is an utter bastard. He was shy for a few weeks - got him to nuzzle me in the mornings (he wants feeding) - but now he stalks and ambushes me. He doesn’t do this to bf. It’s more awful the three or so times a day he gets his ‘crazy 10 minutes’. I walk into rooms and have to check under sofas and beds etc so I can at least prepare myself for him scrambling after me with his claws out.

I really hate the damn cat. It does nothing but take, take, take. He’s 3 and half Bengal. My bf is never home and barely pays it any attention, but claims he loves it because he was there for him during dark periods. This cat is an indoor cat. Bf asks me that I feed the cat...even if he’s at home too. Ummm, he managed before I came along. Further, I love dogs but don’t have one because I haven’t the time to take care of it...so why have I now got to take on a bastard cat? Bf says it’s more like doing him (bf) a favour.

I’ve said I won’t live somewhere I get attacked/have to be on edge. Bf says he’s just playing and it’s his breed. My feelings still stand. Bf obviously won’t train the cat to behave (he doesn’t even play with him)...I’ve taken to arming myself with a water spray, but I still feel a prisoner/hostage in my own home.

I’d feel bad for my bf if we got rid of the cat...but I also genuinely think it's unreasonable of him to have got the cat in the first place.

So:

YABU - suck it up.
YANBU - it goes.

[Mumdiva99]

You have to learn to love the cat. Or leave.
No other options. Try begging the cat to make you the mistress. Not promising it will help....but it may.
Also play with the cat lots. They need lots of interaction.

[iamtheoneandonlyyy]

Cat sounds like an arsehole.
But a neglected one. Not your job though

[catsarecute]

Using a laser pointer to get past is a good idea by the way. You can't train cats like you can train dogs but you can distract them. If you can get the cat to play, plus you don't get attacked, that's win win. Give a little treat after using a laser pointer because it's frustrating for them that they can never catch it, so it gives them something tangible at the end.

[GonePenguin]

Thanks for the replies. I kind of think ‘not your job though’ sums it up for me. If I wanted to invest this much time, I’d have gotten my dog. Why does bf get to swan off and I clean up this mess for him?

I get that ‘nose, spite, face’ is applicable, but it really pisses me off.

[BonnieBleu]

Forgot to ask Does the cat like laser lights?

DPs cat loved the laser light and I'd use that to play with him and hide treats around so he sometimes got the feeling of having "caught" something in his chase for the light.

I also just put lots of effort in trying to bond with him while DP was at work.

[glassshoes]

Sorry if this sounds insensitive, but you have asked.

In your boyfriends position, where he loves a cat he has had for over three years, I am sorry but I would choose my cat over a partner who had just moved in. And see the cat issues as a bit of a deal breaker in the relationship really.

If I was in your position, I couldn't be with someone who said he loved a cat but didn't treat it well.

I think there are complex issues but really I would honestly reconsider the relationship from either side.

[MrsCatE]

@BonnieBleu please re-read your post.

It sounds like your evil plan to get rid of cat came to fruition!

[lyralalala]

Reading your posts again - If your partner actually neglects then animal then lab. Who wants to live with someone that neglects a defenceless animal? Especially as you mentioned feeding specifically.

I wouldn’t be living with a man who thought it ok to let a pet go hungry.

[Babysharkdoodoodood]

@AfterSchoolWorry

when I do ask him to discipline

🤭

You have invaded the cats home as far as it's concerned. You can't 'discipline' or 'train' cats. It doesn't work that way.

Ummm. I trained mine to walk on a harness. Used to get sone exercise and a semblance of freedom. He also couldn't kill birds or shit in gardens then.

But he was still a bastard. Stalked me like Kato in the Pink Panther. Launched himself into my stomach from the top of the wardrobe at 3am. Totally destroyed my floor length voiles. Called him Stan : short for Satan.

I miss him, the little ankle gnawing/clawing shit.

[TBHno]

Well, I have lots of sympathy... for the cat.

Op, cats are territorial animals. You have invaded this cats territory and now you're intimidating it with water etc.

Give the cat it's own space. Clear out a cupboard and give it to the cat as it's bedroom. Don't go in there itself. Give the cat somewhere it can go to get away from you.

[MashedSweetSpud]

Don’t squirt the cat, it’s cruel.

You and your lazy bf need to play with the cat to get rid of excess energy.

You do realise if you have children with this man you’ll be doing all the work while he sits on his arse.

[mrsmrt1981]

It sounds like the cat would really benefit from regular play sessions to get some of his energy out. Fishing rod toys are great, and Jackson Galaxy makes some really good ones that you can get off Amazon for about a tenner. Bengals are quite a high energy breed and being an indoor cat it is essential he has an outlet for his energy. They are also a very clever breed so you could try making him work for his food using puzzle balls, etc. This will all tire him out.

Feliway and pet remedy have plug ins and sprays that you can try. Does he have lots of his own furniture like cat shelves and cat trees? As this can help them feel more secure especially if he can get up high.

I have an eleven year old rescue cat who was abused in his previous home. He can be very sweet and affectionate, but he will often try and attack me and has bitten through clothing drawing blood on multiple occasions. I manage his behaviour with regular play, feli-way plug in and I have lots of cat shelving up in my house so he can get away from the people if he wishes. I also have bags of treats laying around the house as he is very food motivated and if he is in a mood this can often be defused with treats. Even though he can be a dick, I still love him dearly and couldn’t imagine rehoming him.

The problem with spaying him is he will associate you with bad things and it will damage your relationship with the cat. You are better off trying to redirect him with toys/treats or using a towel to usher him away if he is trying to attack.

There are lots of things you can try. If all else fails I would be looking at getting a behaviourist in.

[Duanphen]

I would start losing respect for someone who didn't take care of their pets properly, tbh. He should be playing with and stimulating the poor cat, instead of e

[Judystilldreamsofhorses]

I grew up with dogs, DP with cats. We have a cat and I love her so much, but I treat her much like a dog (except walks!). I have trained her to sit, and to go to her bed, much to DP’s amazement - she is smart, and very greedy, so rewards worked brilliantly.. I talk to her all the time, like I did with dogs, kind of narrating the day, and did this from the day she arrived here, so she is very responsive to my voice.

She does go out, but loves playing with ribbons, and a tape measure, which tire her out on wet days, and has loads of stuffed mice she plays with by herself. Your cat sounds lonely and under-stimulated, but I bet he would be clever if you worked with him, and end up being your wee pal.

[RightYesButNo]

Erm... unfortunately, I agree with PPs, that this says a lot about your boyfriend. No, you shouldn’t have to feel on edge and under attack where you live, but also your boyfriend seems to:

• not think things through (Bengals are well-known for being the most energetic breed of cats and are closer to wild cats than any other breed except one, I believe; giving a half-Bengal no attention and no stimulation is a recipe for disaster and I’m surprised it hasn’t attacked both of you and destroyed the house)
  

• be happy to throw his responsibilities on you (he doesn’t even feed his own cat when he’s home! According to who cares for it, it’s practically “your” cat now)
  

• doesn’t really care how you feel about things (isn’t taking your feelings about being attacked by the cat seriously if he’s just picking it up and murmuring to it)
  

While you can’t train or discipline cats the way you can with dogs, you don’t really have a cat problem. You have a boyfriend problem. And the way he treats this situation is just going to keep making you more and more angry until something snaps, and that something sounds like it may be your respect for him.

[LilQueenie]

The cat was there before you. Option C: You leave.

[rubydoobydoo]

First of all squirting him is counter-productive and he'll likely start acting up even more! As others have said Bengals are a very energetic breed and need a lot of stimulation - the laser pointer is actually a great idea, it wouldn't be positive reinforcement as you fear as cats just don't work that way.

I can't see if you've answered- does he have scratching posts and places he can climb? We have shelves especially for our cats and a few scratching posts dotted around the house(Not Bengals, they're Egyptian Maus which is another high energy breed), and our boy developed a habit of attacking another one of our cats so we started distracting him with pouncy toys whenever he looked like he was thinking about it. It worked and they're (almost) friends now!

[SeekingAnswers3]

I assisted an older lady in her home when I was younger. She had a Bengal cat. It really didn’t like me. It would jump out and scratch me all the time. I tried to make friends with it but never managed it but at least I didn’t have to live with it

[timeisnotaline]

Now you know he’s an actively neglectful animal owner. Ugh. I’d tell him how differently you see him now knowing he ‘loves’ this cat but can’t be arsed feeding it or giving it the basic attention it craves. Ugh.
I don’t want pets myself but wouldn’t be in a relationship with a bad pet owner.

[GonePenguin]

He has a scratching post and some inanimate toys. When I moved in, I got him a cat toy that’s a sparkly butterfly which moves about (it is motion activated) and a furry hedgehog which moves if you pull it back (like a toy race car). He was interested in the butterfly for one evening

[GonePenguin]

Anyone with a Bengal able to give me some positives? He doesn’t like to be touched...he’ll only brush up against my legs in the morning for food. As soon as you feed him, it’s crazy time.

When I first moved in and we were on good terms, he’d knead my chest in the mornings (he is now not allowed on the bed as the hair drive me crazy/litter paws), but also just randomly scratch me or claw my toes under the duvet. I just see no point in him. At least a dog gives unconditional love?

[mrsmrt1981]

@GonePenguin

Anyone with a Bengal able to give me some positives? He doesn’t like to be touched...he’ll only brush up against my legs in the morning for food. As soon as you feed him, it’s crazy time.

When I first moved in and we were on good terms, he’d knead my chest in the mornings (he is now not allowed on the bed as the hair drive me crazy/litter paws), but also just randomly scratch me or claw my toes under the duvet. I just see no point in him. At least a dog gives unconditional love?

Sounds like good might be his weakness.

PetSafe SlimCat Food-Dispensing Cat Toy Green, Treat Toy, Interactive Food Dispenser, Activity Snack Ball for Cats of All Ages www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0018CE8LG/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_y2mKFbS7NXMP1?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Trixie Cat Activity Fun Board, 30 × 40 cm www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B001O8L2UO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_T2mKFbHSR0X9N?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

With my cat there is definitely a build up before he attacks so I try and get in there with some tasty treats before he goes ‘crazy’. Although this is only possible if they show signs before the attack as opposed to being seemingly random. I have bags of treats laying around my house just incase.

Honestly once you’ve got the love of a cat it’s a really special bond. Don’t give up x

[mrsmrt1981]

Food*

[m00Ma]

I hope the cat sprays you back.
I remember being 'told', "it's me or the cat", when my new bf was jealous of the attention given to, and the bad behaviour of, my sweet, nervous, special needs, runt of the litter, beloved JJ.
I now have 4 cats, JJ lived unharassed til he was 18, and my partner of 22 years adores them all.
There are plenty of cat-free fish in the sea, take your water drop to their ocean.

[m00Ma]

Ignore me, I'm being grouchy For Reasons this evening (poorly cat) & lashed out at you.
I hope you bond.
My apologies for catty words.