“It’s me or the cat!”

[GonePenguin]

Ok, not quite that dramatic/black and white ultimatum.

Moved in with bf. The cat is an utter bastard. He was shy for a few weeks - got him to nuzzle me in the mornings (he wants feeding) - but now he stalks and ambushes me. He doesn’t do this to bf. It’s more awful the three or so times a day he gets his ‘crazy 10 minutes’. I walk into rooms and have to check under sofas and beds etc so I can at least prepare myself for him scrambling after me with his claws out.

I really hate the damn cat. It does nothing but take, take, take. He’s 3 and half Bengal. My bf is never home and barely pays it any attention, but claims he loves it because he was there for him during dark periods. This cat is an indoor cat. Bf asks me that I feed the cat...even if he’s at home too. Ummm, he managed before I came along. Further, I love dogs but don’t have one because I haven’t the time to take care of it...so why have I now got to take on a bastard cat? Bf says it’s more like doing him (bf) a favour.

I’ve said I won’t live somewhere I get attacked/have to be on edge. Bf says he’s just playing and it’s his breed. My feelings still stand. Bf obviously won’t train the cat to behave (he doesn’t even play with him)...I’ve taken to arming myself with a water spray, but I still feel a prisoner/hostage in my own home.

I’d feel bad for my bf if we got rid of the cat...but I also genuinely think it's unreasonable of him to have got the cat in the first place.

So:

YABU - suck it up.
YANBU - it goes.

[Storyoftonight]

He was unreasonable to get a cat before he knew you?!

On a side note , the image of the cat waiting to jump out

[mrsmrt1981]

I would never consider a pet to be a family member

So sad and so wrong.

[Isthisthehilltodieon]

OP, get your boyfriend to have a look at Jackson Galaxy ( website, book, youtube My cat from hell etc). It will show him how he should be treating his cat and also how to interact with the poor thing so the cat is stimulated and not bored. This would sort a lot of the behaviour you mention.

Sorry, if someone has already suggested Jackson!

[abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz123]

The cat senses you're a knobhead.

[WooMaWang]

@mrsmrt1981

I would never consider a pet to be a family member

So sad and so wrong.

Only to the sort of people who adore pets.

You are welcome to see your cat as a family member. You can even go about referring to yourself as it’s mum if you like.

But lots of people don’t anthropmorphisize animals like that. That’s not necessarily wrong, even if you feel differently.

Animals are animals. People aren’t obliged to think of them as family members.

Growing up, my sister had a cat. She thought of it like a baby. I’d roll my eyes at her trying to call me Auntie Ma Wang in relation to it. I was never cruel to it, but it was never part of my family. It was just an animal that lived in the house.

[mrsmrt1981]

@WooMaWang
Hate to burst your bubble but people are animals too.

[Betty94]

@TatianaBis

This is only a half Bengal.

Owners who keep cats inside out of fear are really selfish imo.

None of my cats have ever been poisoned, trapped, run over or bitten by a dog.

Were I an animal I’d much rather enjoy a shorter life able to roam around in the sun and fresh air, than kept in captivity as a zoo animal by an owner too anxious to let me out.

I have five cats and none of mine are actually interested in going outside, I'm glad you've not had anything terrible happened to your cats but sadly a lot of cats do get hurt outside either by accident or by someone cruel so I don't judge what anyone does with their animals in regards to the inside vs outside debate. It's their pet after all.

In regards to the post, get rid of the BF. He's being completely irresponsible regarding the cat.

[orangenasturtium]

Anyone with a Bengal able to give me some positives?

They can be the most amazing, intelligent, loyal, affectionate cats with huge personalities. They can be quite dog like in their behaviour. They can also have serious behavioural issues and need a lot of exercise and entertainment.

If you put in the effort, you could have the most lovely pet. It's definitely worth taking advice from an animal behaviourist. Your vet might have recommendations.

Or I'll take the poor thing off your hands

[WooMaWang]

People are the same species as me though. It’s a crucial difference.

Plants are alive too, but I’m not about to introduce the basil plant I picked up at the supermarket to the kids as their new baby brother.

Nor am I going to insist that it’s DH’s responsibility to water it. He’d have told me to just just a pack of basil whenever I needed one because he doesn’t want to have to look after a plant. So it’s my responsibility if I choose to try to keep a living thing alive.

[Fluffycloudland77]

They are so affectionate & loving too. Very loyal to their person & just delightful little rays of sunshine.

Their the best.

[Meuniere]

I very much doubt the bf is ready to do any this work @Isthisthehilltodieon.
Seen that he didn’t do any of that before the Op moved in and seem to expect her take on at least half of the care for the cat.

Of course, the OP could do it. (Forgetting it’s not her cat and she doesn’t like cats)
But then that would set up a nice precedent where the bf can act as if he doesn’t give a shit, refuse to take his responsibilities and give them all away to the OP instead.
I’m wondering how the bf is regarding the HW, cooking, doing the food shop etc.... and if he is also very clearly given up responsibility there too.

[EllenRipley]

Oh you poor thing.

Not. 🙄

Are you sure you're not transferring your inner feelings about b/friend onto the cat?

Look, it's a cat. An animal. A pet - that's clearly neglected and probably has behavioural issues because of that, and the fact it's stuck in all day.

It sounds like it's really unhappy, and its owner clearly has zero sense of responsibility toward it, or any idea how to care for it. So you can either learn how to do that yourself (and if you split up, pls take the cat with you) or have a conversation about finding the cat a really good, appropriate home elsewhere.

😾

[Mittens030869]

I had a cat when I met my DH. He wasn’t a cat person at all and wasn’t at all sure about sharing a home with my cat, especially as he thought he was allergic to cats. But he found that he wasn’t after all (though he is allergic to dogs).

But he grew to like my cat, and we haven’t looked back. Eighteen years on, we have 2 adopted DDs and 3 cats. He’s still not really a cat person, but he knows that I’m never going to want to live without cats in the house.

However, the issue the OP is facing is that her bf isn’t looking after the cat properly and the cat is being neglected. I wouldn’t normally say this, but the cat actually does need to be rehomed, and placed with an owner who will look after it properly.

[MrsToothyBitch]

Bengal positives:
Loving and affectionate- ours is the cuddliest cat we've ever had, she likes being cradled like a baby and puts her paws round your hand to keep you petting her.

People bonded- as above. They love their "person" as opposed to other cats having a purely territorial attachments. Ours is devoted to my mum. She's the gentlest cat ever.

Distinct, loyal- and big- personalities. They really feel like company because of their big personalities. They're very communicative.

Funny and fun. Everything is a toy to them and channelled into play their energy is amazing and can be incredibly funny to watch! They're lovely to play with!

Clever- see above, everything is a toy and they are good communicators. They're supposedly quite dog like and therefore can be quite trainable. I've seen one taught to play fetch and ours has learnt to sit by her bowl and wait for food. She learnt this by copying the Great Dane she lived with in her first home & still does it. They can learn to do all sorts.

Ours is also an outdoor cat although she's got slight kitty dementia now so she's only allowed out the front under supervision. She's always been perfectly ok though. She's a full, pedigree bengal. I wouldn't have got a bengal to be an indoor cat in an upstairs flat with no garden access though. It's not much space for them and I've pulled ours back through half open upstairs windows with sheer drops which she's tried to get through before (she was livid). Can see a juliet-balcony or similar being an utter hazard.

Honestly, I really think your BF has been incredibly unfair getting a part bengal which needs a lot of time, space and attention, none of which he appears to be able to give it. Rehome him now whilst he's young and there's still a chance someone else - who knows the breed, ideally- could make him a much happier cat. If your bf still wants a cat and is prepared to care for it properly and you agree, there are likely to be less high needs, maybe even senior (if you don't want a long commitment) mogs looking for homes. If a rescue deems you suitable. BFs response as to why he's keeping the cat seemed way more about him and his needs than the cats needs, to me. That's not a responsible adult.

[athousandstrawberrylollys]

I said YABU, but (like previous posters!) because I think the cat is neglected and your boyfriend is an arsehole, not because you ought to live with the situation as it is.

(Part)-Bengals are extraordinarily active cats. They need love and affection and attention - the kind of fuss made of them you'd make of a puppy. It's trying to playfight with you the way it would with a sibling, probably because you showed it more attention than your BF has.

You say you're a dog person - are you willing to treat it like a dog? By which I mean lots of attention and daily active play, considering the poor thing is shut inside a flat.

Otherwise it needs rehoming.Your boyfriend is disgracefully neglectful. A living animal is not a bloody tamagotchi to be shut away when you get bored.

Also - can you get rid of the boyfriend for being a dick? Not only is he mistreating the cat, but he's trying to offload wife-work onto you, by saying it's your responsibility to look after HIS cat. Not on.

I'm rooting for you to dump the boyfriend and keep the cat, but that seems unlikely if you're not a cat person.

[ShagMeRiggins]

@Yoffel

Your boyfriend is a shit cat owner. Doesn’t play with him and is even offloading feeding it to you. The cat is bored stiff. Tell bf he feeds and plays with the cat when he’s around. You feed and play with it when not. Second the advice re plug ins.

Yup. Regardless of your feelings about the cat, it’s your boyfriend’s cat and it’s his job to take care of it.

[polarbearoverthere]

You need to share the feeding because the cat probably follows you around because you're the key to the pouches!

[TheNoodlesIncident]

I feel considerable sympathy for OP, she didn't ask to take on the responsibility of a pet and it's not surprising she's not keen on being pounced on either.

Totally unimpressed by her BF though. Not only is he expecting her to take up his slack, he doesn't care that he subjecting his pet to a crap life and that it's having a serious impact on his GF. He's taken on one of the most boisterous and time-consuming cat breeds without making the modicum of research into it and now it's not working out well he's not interested in trying to sort it. Pathetic.

(And Feliway is useless too. No amount of liquid evaporating into the air is going to overcome a high-needs cat being understimulated and stressed. The stressors need to be alleviated. Even then you're not going to get a chilled and laid-back cat: it's a Bengal! They don't DO chilled!)

[TatianaBis]

I have five cats and none of mine are actually interested in going outside, I'm glad you've not had anything terrible happened to your cats but sadly a lot of cats do get hurt outside either by accident or by someone cruel so I don't judge what anyone does with their animals in regards to the inside vs outside debate. It's their pet after all.

I do so we differ there.

Some cats are not particularly interested in going outside, so long as they have the choice that’s up to them. Some breeds like Burmese and Bengals, males in particular, generically need space, stimulation etc. So keeping them inside is particularly cruel.

If you buy one from a responsible breeder they check you understand the requirements of the breed beforehand.

[ReginaaPhalange]

Christ, if you were spraying me, then damn right id be clawing back at you! What a horrible thing to do! No wonder the cat acts in a defensive way if that's how you treat it.

You need to be patient with cats, they are very territorial so of course you coming into the picture will upset it. You need to slowly build trust with the poor wee thing.

[SunsetBeetch]

It is possible to train cats not to be agressive towards you, after a fashion. Don't show fear, be firm and tell it off! I love cats but I wouldn't put up with that! And I wouldn't let one of mine do that to anyone else either.

[mrsmrt1981]

@TatianaBis

I have five cats and none of mine are actually interested in going outside, I'm glad you've not had anything terrible happened to your cats but sadly a lot of cats do get hurt outside either by accident or by someone cruel so I don't judge what anyone does with their animals in regards to the inside vs outside debate. It's their pet after all.

I do so we differ there.

Some cats are not particularly interested in going outside, so long as they have the choice that’s up to them. Some breeds like Burmese and Bengals, males in particular, generically need space, stimulation etc. So keeping them inside is particularly cruel.

If you buy one from a responsible breeder they check you understand the requirements of the breed beforehand.

I am also glad you haven’t had any bad experiences with letting your cats out, but many people have. One of my cats was attacked and killed by a neighbour’s dog 6 months ago. He was only two. It was extremely traumatic and I still haven’t come to terms with what happened. I honestly think if I had to go through that again that it would be the end of me. We miss him so much.

So that’s why I keep my cats in. I have installed protect-a-pet in my garden so my remaining three cats can still go outside but are confined to the small garden.

I have previously picked up two deceased cats that were hit and left in the road, and taken them to the vet to be reunited with their owner. It’s sad and wrong, but it happens all the time. There is just so much that can happen and I will no longer take the risk. I was always worrying when they used to go out. Cat fights between my eldest cat and other neighbourhood cats were a frequent occurrence and resulted in much time and money being spent at the vet. I would always get them in at night.

Now I don’t think everyone should keep their cats in. If you choose to let your cat out that’s up to you. But I think it depends on many factors such as where you live and the individual cat, but I don’t think it’s fair to call someone cruel for trying to protect their cat providing they ensure that cat is happy and healthy.

It seems like the UK has a unique attitude to cats. Other developed countries seem to be very pro- indoors when it comes to their cats with many shelters refusing to adopt a cat out unless the owner agrees to keep them inside. Like I said, it’s not black and white.

My cats are all thoroughly spoilt. They still enjoy the garden and even have a super cat highway for them to run and play. I think you have to weigh up the risks with the benefit of letting your cat outside. Saying that there is no way I’d be letting a pedigree cat with no road sense out to roam in a city. I have included a photo of my super cat highway for inspiration.

[CSIblonde]

Bengals need a lot of mental stimulation & play if they're indoor cats. I'd second pp who suggested "the Cat Daddy", Jackson Galaxy who does TV show My Cat from Hell. His website & You Tube videos are great re this sort of issue.

[Zerrin13]

I think you have 3 options here OP

1. You accept the cat as he is
2. You move out
3. You accept the cat as he is

[Furries]

@mrsmrt1981 - omg, I love your set-up. Your cats are very lucky to have you as their slave 💕🐾