“It’s me or the cat!”

[GonePenguin]

Ok, not quite that dramatic/black and white ultimatum.

Moved in with bf. The cat is an utter bastard. He was shy for a few weeks - got him to nuzzle me in the mornings (he wants feeding) - but now he stalks and ambushes me. He doesn’t do this to bf. It’s more awful the three or so times a day he gets his ‘crazy 10 minutes’. I walk into rooms and have to check under sofas and beds etc so I can at least prepare myself for him scrambling after me with his claws out.

I really hate the damn cat. It does nothing but take, take, take. He’s 3 and half Bengal. My bf is never home and barely pays it any attention, but claims he loves it because he was there for him during dark periods. This cat is an indoor cat. Bf asks me that I feed the cat...even if he’s at home too. Ummm, he managed before I came along. Further, I love dogs but don’t have one because I haven’t the time to take care of it...so why have I now got to take on a bastard cat? Bf says it’s more like doing him (bf) a favour.

I’ve said I won’t live somewhere I get attacked/have to be on edge. Bf says he’s just playing and it’s his breed. My feelings still stand. Bf obviously won’t train the cat to behave (he doesn’t even play with him)...I’ve taken to arming myself with a water spray, but I still feel a prisoner/hostage in my own home.

I’d feel bad for my bf if we got rid of the cat...but I also genuinely think it's unreasonable of him to have got the cat in the first place.

So:

YABU - suck it up.
YANBU - it goes.

[seventhrow]

This makes me so angry. Cat owners having indoor cats and then being out all day and providing no stimulation for them whatsoever. Your bf should be ashamed. The poor thing.

[Meruem]

While I do think YABU, I also think the cat should be rehomed because your BF is neglecting it. I have 2 indoor cats and I spend many hours a day with them, playing or giving them attention. They have a big cat tree and full run of the house, including sleeping on my bed. I do agree with you that it’s not fair that you should be the one that has to put in a huge amount of time and effort, when your bf isn’t doing the same. If he can’t look after the cat properly then he should let it go to a home where it can have the love and attention it needs.

[IncandescentSilver]

Poor cat.

I accidentally voted YANBU.

How long have you been living there and how long are you likely to stay? Given that you don't seem to actually like cat, boyfriend or living arrangements that much, it seems idiotic to rehome the cat just because you have suddenly arri Ed on the scene with your judgy pants.

[KeyLimePies]

But you need to take charge of crap cat behaviour. If it attacks you, take it by the scruff of the neck, press it down gently on the floor and repeatedly say no

WTF? Do you also rub animals noses in their own waste if they have an accident?

[emilyfrost]

I absolutely hate cats, but in this instance, he had the cat first and therefore the cat takes precedence.

So either you put up with it, or you leave. You don’t make him get rid of his cat.

[Goldencurtain]

I think you're missing the bigger point here OP. If he's happy to dump the problem cat on you and swan off, what do you think he's going to be like if you have a child? Looking after a pet together helps you see what the other would be like, and this is a big warning sign.

[EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide]

Can i have the cat!

[IncandescentSilver]

Oh, and spraying a cat with water in its own home is just disgusting. No wonder the cat hates you. And kicking it off the bed. It's as if you have no concept of the fact that animals have emotional responses too. Hiw would you like to be kicked out of your sleeping place and sprayed with water by a person who suddenly moved into your home?

[KatherineJaneway]

Bf obviously won’t train the cat to behave

You clearly know zero about cats

[C8H10N4O2]

Does the cat not go outside at all? If not I'm not surprised it's going mad for attention. BF is utterly unreasonable both to adopt a cat which needs so much attention knowing he is never there.

He is also unreasonable to expect you to cat sit for him all the time. Is this a long term relationship and does he assume you will pick up his slack in other areas because of his "long hours"?

[Bluesheep8]

Or have the cat put down.

Nice. I really hope this poster doesn't have any pets.

[Meuniere]

I voted YANBU mainly because your bf should actually WANT and CARE about you and it sounds like he just can’t give a shit if you are getting attacked or not.

Maybe it’s down to the type of cat. Maybe because said cat is getting bored/change of routine or whatever. But the fact remains that the cat is HIS and therefore HE has to organise things so that you feel comfortable in the house.
If that means more toys, then HE should do that
If that means having a door so the cat can go out, he should organise it etc....

I don’t think it’s ever ok to expect someone to be hurt/on edge because of an animal that is NOT looked after properly.

[Meuniere]

@IncandescentSilver

Oh, and spraying a cat with water in its own home is just disgusting. No wonder the cat hates you. And kicking it off the bed. It's as if you have no concept of the fact that animals have emotional responses too. Hiw would you like to be kicked out of your sleeping place and sprayed with water by a person who suddenly moved into your home?

So what is the OOP suppose to do?
Seriously, I dint have a cat and clearly know as little as she does.

Shouldn’t her bf tell her what she can do to make things better? How to ensure she does get attacked by said cat? Etc....

A good friend of mine has a cat that ‘is as good as a guard dog’ (my fiend words, not mines). It will attack if it has decided someone isn’t to it’s liking. That included a baby who was a few months old (babies nit allowed in the house....).
That means the cat is locked away when someone is coming in. When her partner moved in, she was also very careful to ensure said cat learnt NOT to attack the guy.

Why can’t the OP’s bf do that?

[IncandescentSilver]

To be honest Meuniere if I didn't like someone else's living arrangements in their own home, nor indeed the way they manage their own home and pet, I sure as hell wouldn't be living with them...

It sounds a very unhappy arrangement all round. If its so uncomfortable for the OP, having to go around armed with a water pistol, and she is so critical of the boyfriend, what on earth is she doing there!?

[WooMaWang]

Can people really not see past the word ‘cat’ and see the massive boyfriend/cat owner problem?

Why on Earth are people telling the OP to buy stuff for and entertain the cat. It’s owner won’t do that. He doesn’t even feed it.

She could maybe learn to coexist with the cat if her boyfriend actually looked after it. But he doesn’t. Instead he tries to pass all the work on to her with a heap of manipulative rubbish about ‘helping him out’.

@GonePenguin This is a strong indication about what everything will be like if you stay with your boyfriend. All the domestic-type Labour will somehow fall to you and, if you complain, you’ll be told how he needs you to help him out because he works so hard.

[Fluffycloudland77]

It’s play behaviour, this cats trying to play.

Imagine how bored you’d be with no entertainment, no going outside & no interaction all day every day for three years.

I was bored witless during lockdown with the Internet, books, tv, daily walks. This cats got none of this.

[Elbels]

I disagree that cats can't be trained, especially highly intelligent ones like Bengals.

It sounds like it needs more entertainment to keep it stimulated and distracted from bad behaviour.

If it was me I'd be spending a lot of time getting to know it, playing, training with treats etc but then I really like cats and do get unconditional love from mine in the same way you do with a dog. Mine also sit on command, come when called and play fetch :)

[Meuniere]

@WooMaWang, I agree.

The issue here isn’t the cat, it’s the bf.

The bf who don’t look after its own pet properly.
And one who doesn’t care about his gf either.

It sounds like he expecting them both the just adapt and get in with things with very little input from him. But expect the cat and the OP to go over board to modify their behaviour and ‘just get on’

[bravotango]

Echoing PPs, issue is with the BF. But even playing with the cat for 15 minutes a day would probably improve things - the cat is bored stiff and those 'crazy 10 minutes' (aka zoomies) + some play time would make a happier/calmer cat.

[TatianaBis]

It’s not just ‘play behaviour’ necessarily. It could be, but this kind of repeated aggression can also be a sign of trauma.

The bf may have traumatised the cat by leaving him home alone for long periods from when he was very young.

[Iwantacookie]

Bless thinking you can train a cat. Agree with others lots of toys and play. Can you not get some sort of catio so at least he can get outside?
Try cat nip too.

[Catmads]

Dear Mumsnetters

I am looking for some advice about a horrible situation I find myself living in and wonder if anyone can help me?

About 3 years ago I started living with this guy, it's been OK, he's a bit lazy and I really have to make an effort to get him to socialise with me but we've got on alright and I was reasonably happy.

Recently he moved a woman in with us and everything has changed.

He didn't ask me how I felt about it, he just did it.

I tried to be friendly with her at first, even when she started sleeping in my bed but as time has gone on I feel more and more pushed out.

I don't get his attention anymore as most of the time she gives me my food now but I can feel she does't like me.

Whenever I try to socialise with her, she's started spraying me with water and I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong?

It's a horrible way to live, I'm always on edge now and feel frightened in my own home.

Yours,

A confused cat

[stayorgo1]

Feel really sad for the cat this is awful - sprayed in its own home

[stayorgo1]

Also agree with letting it out!

[Hailtomyteeth]

@Bluesheep8
Rest assured, I don't have pets, won't be having any more but I have had plenty in the past.

No-one is going to want an aggressive half-Bengal. They're nuisance enough when they are at their best. The boyfriend doesn't care, the OP is having to alter her behaviour to fit around a cat - pts is the best solution. She might find someone willing to take the cat on, but she'll have left a cat in the world to potentially cause harm. Bad plan, don't do it. Leave the boyfriend and the cat.