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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“It’s me or the cat!”

258 replies

GonePenguin · 21/10/2020 23:30

Ok, not quite that dramatic/black and white ultimatum.

Moved in with bf. The cat is an utter bastard. He was shy for a few weeks - got him to nuzzle me in the mornings (he wants feeding) - but now he stalks and ambushes me. He doesn’t do this to bf. It’s more awful the three or so times a day he gets his ‘crazy 10 minutes’. I walk into rooms and have to check under sofas and beds etc so I can at least prepare myself for him scrambling after me with his claws out.

I really hate the damn cat. It does nothing but take, take, take. He’s 3 and half Bengal. My bf is never home and barely pays it any attention, but claims he loves it because he was there for him during dark periods. This cat is an indoor cat. Bf asks me that I feed the cat...even if he’s at home too. Ummm, he managed before I came along. Further, I love dogs but don’t have one because I haven’t the time to take care of it...so why have I now got to take on a bastard cat? Bf says it’s more like doing him (bf) a favour.

I’ve said I won’t live somewhere I get attacked/have to be on edge. Bf says he’s just playing and it’s his breed. My feelings still stand. Bf obviously won’t train the cat to behave (he doesn’t even play with him)...I’ve taken to arming myself with a water spray, but I still feel a prisoner/hostage in my own home.

I’d feel bad for my bf if we got rid of the cat...but I also genuinely think it's unreasonable of him to have got the cat in the first place.

So:

YABU - suck it up.
YANBU - it goes.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Okbutnotgreat · 22/10/2020 07:43

Rehome the cat, it’s a Bengal and they need space and a lot of interaction they are a feisty demanding breed and I can’t believe anyone would try and keep one as an indoor cat without putting in some serious effort.

If your BF is not doing anything with his cat he is not actually a suitable owner, Bengals are more like dogs in their needs than cats and require more input to be happy.

There are breed specific rescues and I think the poor cat needs to go to a home that is willing to look after it properly.

MushMonster · 22/10/2020 07:44

LOL to train the cat!
For what you say, the cat is only playing with you. If it is scratching, try to groom his nails, they tend to get too long in indoor cats.
Cats, though, always stay. They own the house.

LavaCake · 22/10/2020 07:46

Or have the cat put down.

Great advice, nothing morally indefensible about killing an animal because it’s a bit inconvenient.

LavaCake · 22/10/2020 07:47

Why do people think you can’t train cats? Do you think every cat ever seen in a film conveniently just happened to do what was required by chance?

BlueJava · 22/10/2020 07:48

Take the way he's treating the case (i.e. your problem) will be the way he will be if you have kids (i.e. your problem again). If you're happy with that then suck it up, but I'd move on.

TiersTiersTiers · 22/10/2020 07:49

I hate cats.

It's a deal breaker. I would never date anyone that thinks a cat is a great pet. The cat goes.

Beamur · 22/10/2020 07:54

@TiersTiersTiers

I hate cats.

It's a deal breaker. I would never date anyone that thinks a cat is a great pet. The cat goes.

It's good to be clear about your boundaries! I'm the other way round, I love my cats and couldn't be with someone who didn't accept them. Luckily I am married to someone who loves them too. We have 3.
IndiaMay · 22/10/2020 07:56

I'm still laughing at training a cat

Lweji · 22/10/2020 07:56

Sometimes I throw pellets of dry food for my cat to catch.
You can feed him and cater for his need to hunt at the same time. And you "train" him to focus his hunting instinct away from you.

My feeling, though, is that you've taken his place and owner's affection. He doesn't like it.

Arthersleep · 22/10/2020 07:57

My neighbour used to have an indoor Bengal. I used to feed it when she was on holiday. The moment that I went into her flat it would be waiting and spring out on me. It was good fun but slightly crazy. Eventually she realised that it was definitely not a house cat and started to let it out. It used to wait for me to return from work and then, leopard like, drop out of the trees and attack. It also used to take me down if I turned my back in it when bringing in the laundry. I once saw it in an amazing stand off with a fox where it bopped the fox repeatedly on the head. Bengals are amazing, but slightly wild cats that need a lot of attention and stimulation. It really shouldn't be kept inside if at all possible. I would get your partner to invest in more toys for it (splat the bug app on a tablet) and put cat TV on YouTube for it. I think that you should just embrace the fun, let go of your tension and preconceived ideas about cats and let the madness prevail.

ZaraW · 22/10/2020 07:57

@TiersTiersTiers

I hate cats.

It's a deal breaker. I would never date anyone that thinks a cat is a great pet. The cat goes.

I'm the opposite too. I once dated someone who told me that my cat would have to be outside when he came round to mine. That was never going to happen.
ZaraW · 22/10/2020 07:59

Bangalore cats are definitely not house cats. My friend had one and put a tracker on him. He would wander 5ks from home most days.

ZaraW · 22/10/2020 07:59

Bengal...

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/10/2020 08:01

He doesn't sound like a very responsible pet owner. I'd be wary about his ability to uphold any other commitments.

jessstan1 · 22/10/2020 08:02

I don't think you should refer to your boyfriend' cat as 'the bastard cat'. It isn't nice if it attacks you, I wouldn't live with an animal that was vicious, frankly I'd be scared, and I don't believe cats should not be allowed out, but it is hardly the cat's fault.

It sounds as though you and boyfriend are incompatible. You didn't have to move in with him but you can move out just as quickly; find someone without a 'bastard cat'. It is so horrible to say something like that about a dumb animal who knows no different lifestyle. I dread to think how you would be if boyfriend had a child.

Find a place of your own and tell your man that he needs to look after his cat better. I had cats in the past and they were never like you describe, they were happy and fun but they were cared for and had freedom. Animals know when people don't like them.

Next time you set your sights on a man, make sure he has no dependents.

mummyoneboy19 · 22/10/2020 08:03

The cat is either trying to play with you or is scared of you - either way spraying it isn’t going to work.

He needs toys, a cat tree/climbing frame, high spots to sit in (a bed on top of a shelf is good) and you to be gentle with him. You’ve invaded his territory, kicked him off his bed and spend all day whinging about him and spraying him with water.

If you’re not willing to adapt to living with a cat, it’s you that needs to go, not him.

Worrysaboutalot · 22/10/2020 08:05

LavaCake Cats can learn to bond and accept siblings cats at any age. It is a case of careful introductions and scent swapping.

In the past we introduced a couple of older cats with some dodgy behaviour into our family and they all worked out well.

OP
You have several options. As you actively dislike the cat and your bf refuses to care for the cat, personally I would rehome him.

A healthy 3yo Bengal cross shouldn't be too hard to rehome (relatively).

Otherwise in order of change to help him feel better.

  1. Rehome cat
  2. Let cat outside
  3. Play with cat daily, cat food puzzles in particular.
  4. Get another inside cat to bond with your bf cat.
TatianaBis · 22/10/2020 08:06

The cat needs to be rehomed as your bf is not looking after it properly. I’m very anti keeping cats indoors but there are some breeds that seem to take to it better than others.

The attacks on you OP are only part of the problem - or rather they’re a symptom of the problem.

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/10/2020 08:07

I had a boisterous Bengal boy. If he’s kneading you he sees you as mum, they only do it to the people they trust most. You get back what you put in with cats, you two are doing the bare minimum and reaping what you sow:

So, toys for bengals. Da bird, pets at home squeaky mouse, rolled up balls of foil, drinking straw poked through the bannisters, chasing ball up and down stairs, chasing string, climbing to get toys, laser pointers, big tall scratch post, cat entertainment YouTube videos worked here, kickeroos.

The Asian leopard cat has a huge territory which is where bengals get their energy from. Luckily their sprinters not marathon runners so eventually they flop onto their sides.

Your bf is a shit pet owner though, don’t kid yourself he’s going to change. If you got a dog he’s not going to morph into a responsible pet owner you’ll still be doing everything.

Picture of Bengal watching tv.

“It’s me or the cat!”
“It’s me or the cat!”
WeAreFromThePlanetDuplo · 22/10/2020 08:08

Do you live in a flat? If not, why can’t the cat go outside?

TatianaBis · 22/10/2020 08:09

If you’re not willing to adapt to living with a cat, it’s you that needs to go, not him.

It’s the bf who has not adapted to living with a cat. You can’t leave a Bengal inside all day on its own, they need to roam around.

First choice rehome the cat, second - potentially rehome the bf - he’s selfish and irresponsible.

badacorn · 22/10/2020 08:10

Your bf needs to actually play with the cat. It’s not a pretty toy to have in the house, it needs stimulation. It will also be able to tell you feel hostile towards it which will just make everything worse. Your bf is being a crap cat owner, I bet he would be changing his tune if HE was the one getting clawed.

SilverRoe · 22/10/2020 08:13

The cat needs to go outside. I think you should give an ultimatum actually, based on the fact he’s crap with the cat and the cat is obviously not happy.

BaskingMad · 22/10/2020 08:13

Cat aside, your bf sounds like a lazy so and so. Do you also do all the cleaning and cooking in the house? He expects you to step in where he can’t be arsed and i would take this as a sign of things to come if you go on to have your own kids.
He claims to like the cat but does zero feeding or interacting, that’s really shit of him. All words not supported by actions- is he like that in your relationship?

I think you are in the situation with the cat precisely because your bf cant be arsed. I’d be pissed off with him not the cat. Your bf needs to step up.

Moreira · 22/10/2020 08:14

If I had a dog that was attacking him, I’d quickly train the dog or else get a professional to help me.

But you don’t have a dog. It’s a cat. Cats aren’t dogs and don’t think in the same way as dogs. Your analogy of what you’d do with a dog is irrelevant. If you’re trying to train/treat the cat in the same way as you’d train/treat a dog you’re setting yourself up to fail.

On almost every thread where someone is complaining about a cat you get people saying if it was a dog I’d... It isn’t and shows a basic lack of understory cats, you may as well say if it was a sheep/horse/fox...

For what it is worth, I agree with others. The cat is bored out of its mind, it needs attention, stimulation and exercise. The laser pointer is actually a really good idea. It isn’t reinforcing bad behaviour- that’s applying human/dog thought processes to something which is neither, has its brain wired differently and which doesn’t think in the same way. And stop spraying it with water. It’s firstly cruel and secondly isn’t going to help.