“It’s me or the cat!”

[GonePenguin]

Ok, not quite that dramatic/black and white ultimatum.

Moved in with bf. The cat is an utter bastard. He was shy for a few weeks - got him to nuzzle me in the mornings (he wants feeding) - but now he stalks and ambushes me. He doesn’t do this to bf. It’s more awful the three or so times a day he gets his ‘crazy 10 minutes’. I walk into rooms and have to check under sofas and beds etc so I can at least prepare myself for him scrambling after me with his claws out.

I really hate the damn cat. It does nothing but take, take, take. He’s 3 and half Bengal. My bf is never home and barely pays it any attention, but claims he loves it because he was there for him during dark periods. This cat is an indoor cat. Bf asks me that I feed the cat...even if he’s at home too. Ummm, he managed before I came along. Further, I love dogs but don’t have one because I haven’t the time to take care of it...so why have I now got to take on a bastard cat? Bf says it’s more like doing him (bf) a favour.

I’ve said I won’t live somewhere I get attacked/have to be on edge. Bf says he’s just playing and it’s his breed. My feelings still stand. Bf obviously won’t train the cat to behave (he doesn’t even play with him)...I’ve taken to arming myself with a water spray, but I still feel a prisoner/hostage in my own home.

I’d feel bad for my bf if we got rid of the cat...but I also genuinely think it's unreasonable of him to have got the cat in the first place.

So:

YABU - suck it up.
YANBU - it goes.

[YouDidWHATNow]

I left my bf of 5 year over his husky puppy being feral, untrained and literately stalked me, growled at me, and as she was growing up started to try and pin me at any opportunity. I told him time and time again, you need to train her otherwise I am going to end up mauled, he kept laughing saying she's only playing etc. One morning, I came downstairs to make coffee, walked passed the sofa and she launched for me and bit me. He still wouldn't get rid of her, even as I was sat in A&E with him getting a tetanus and glue to the wound. I left that night. I know there's a big jump between cat and husky puppy, but it's more the attitude of the partner, and be warned if you issue that ultimatum, he may very well choose the cat!

[Couchbettato]

@YouDidWHATNow I left my ex for multiple reasons but one of them was that his beagle would attack me if I was just near a toy, or if I had food he wanted or if I tried to cuddle my ex.

My ex thought his dog was just the bee's knees and loved how protective he was.

I was told "oh just walk him, hell warm up to you." "Just play with him, he'll warm up to you".

Then on Christmas he bit my ex's grandad on the hand, leading to a hospital stay because of an infection and needing steroids.

I get dogs and cats are different but I would not tolerate being invited to live in someone's house, being assured I'd be safe and comfortable, only to be attacked and have my comfort dismissed.

I don't think any one should live like that and I think people come before animals.

[SoEverybodyDance]

Yes, I have a Bengal. We've had her for about six months and she's turned the household upside down! She's all about extremes. She needs a lot of stimulation or she'll just go wild, but she is more affectionate than any other cat I've ever had.

They are incredibly sensitive, so when my DC play up or have tantrums, she gets very upset. She's very inquisitive too and likes to know exactly what's going on and be involved in everything. Presumably another person moving in has upset yours. It sounds like things started off well at first but the cat probably picked up on your not liking it.

Walking is a good idea - mine loves going out and frequently comes out on the school run to get attention from all the children. Harnesses can be difficult, so if you're going to try, look for a butterfly harness which is light and easy to wear.

Every evening around Sunset she goes a little crazy, tearing around the house, someone told me it was getting ready for night hunting.

She buries her food often, which is something they do in the wild to stop another animal finding it. We have fun playing games with this, hiding biscuits under the corners of rugs etc.

We make lots of toys. They can be very simple, like pompoms, paper balls, boxes with holes in (and things rolling around inside that they can paw at). But you can't just give these toys to them, you have to play with them.

Your boyfriend sounds like he's also had enough of the cat and is trying to palm him off on you. The cat probably doesn't like that either. Your boyfriend needs to take responsibility for his animal.

But you need to take charge of crap cat behaviour. If it attacks you, take it by the scruff of the neck, press it down gently on the floor and repeatedly say no.

Bengals are not for everyone. There have been plenty of times I despaired at having got one. She's still queen bitch with the other cat, but we love her and as long as she gets a walk, the manic behaviour is manageable. Good luck!

[mrsmrt1981]

I don't think any one should live like that and I think people come before animals.

The animals always come first in my house.

[Tavannach]

The cat is bored shitless.
Each time it bites or scratches you hiss at it, say "No" and find it something to play with. Rolled up foil balls will do. Don't spray it with water - that will make things worse.
Watch Jackson Galaxy on Youtube to gain some insight into cats' behaviour.
Tbh neither of you sound like great cat owners.

[Furries]

Sounds a bit like you’re all incompatible to be honest!

Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like a great pet owner - and then dumping responsibility on you. You, quite rightly, don’t want to have to deal with an “unfriendly” cat. And, in the meantime - poor cat is dealing with an uninterested owner and a new resident girlfriend that it’s not sure about!

Firstly, please don’t spray the poor cat - it might be the recommended solution for people that have random cats coming and shitting in other people’s gardens, but doing it to a cat that you live with is not the way to go. There is no way you will earn its trust by doing that.

I second a PP comment of looking up Jackson Galaxy videos/info. Learning how to interact with them/judge how they’re feeling is really important. Sometimes, what can feel “natural” to us is actually the worst thing we can do do when trying to engage with a feline!

Also, and I know it’s not your cat so not really your responsibility, but maybe do a bit of research on Bengals. I know you say his cat is half Bengal, but that’s still a big portion of it’s genetic makeup. Bengals are generally loud, extremely energetic and really need an opportunity to be exploring and up high. So, it might cost a bit (or, if your boyfriend is handy with diy), but look into having a few towers/shelves linked together to give him the opportunity to display his natural instincts.

Ultimately, your bf is a bit of a dick for taking on this kind of breed without knowing what they need. However, with a bit of understanding and research I think you could turn things around - and have a really rewarding relationship full of love and devotion (with the cat!)

I say all this having been a life long dog lover and then having cats - they are SO not the aloof creatures I always thought they were. If you take a little bit of time to understand their traits and body language, and react accordingly, they are really blooming awesome!

Good luck - as both you, and the cat, deserve better.

[noodlezoodle]

He sounds like a fairly awful boyfriend. I don't think I'd want to live with someone who neglects animals and doesn't listen to me when I ask him for help.

[Furries]

@SoEverybodyDance - I liked most of your post, up until the part of “take it by the scruff of the neck”. Really sorry, but that’s along the lines of ‘alpha rolling” a dog and I don’t agree with either of those approaches.

And yes, I know that cats pick their kittens up by the scruff of their necks. But doing that, to me, with an older cat is akin to rubbing an older dog’s nose in its shit - completely the wrong way to do go about a problem.

[liverbird10]

I vote for the cat!

[Isitgiroday]

Get help from a qualified behaviourist. There are modifications that can be made to the environment which can help. He is likely acting out normal play-stalk behaviour and is bored shitless being an indoor cat. (Bengals in particular can get really fed up being indoors!)

[Isitgiroday]

Oh and definitely stop spraying him - you are potentially cooking up more problems by doing this. Heightening his stress levels by by punishing him for (probable) normal behaviour is not what he needs. (I am qualified to tell you all this btw!)

[Jaffajiffy]

@RightYesButNo

Erm... unfortunately, I agree with PPs, that this says a lot about your boyfriend. No, you shouldn’t have to feel on edge and under attack where you live, but also your boyfriend seems to:

• not think things through (Bengals are well-known for being the most energetic breed of cats and are closer to wild cats than any other breed except one, I believe; giving a half-Bengal no attention and no stimulation is a recipe for disaster and I’m surprised it hasn’t attacked both of you and destroyed the house)

• be happy to throw his responsibilities on you (he doesn’t even feed his own cat when he’s home! According to who cares for it, it’s practically “your” cat now)

• doesn’t really care how you feel about things (isn’t taking your feelings about being attacked by the cat seriously if he’s just picking it up and murmuring to it)

While you can’t train or discipline cats the way you can with dogs, you don’t really have a cat problem. You have a boyfriend problem. And the way he treats this situation is just going to keep making you more and more angry until something snaps, and that something sounds like it may be your respect for him.

This.
Why are you with a man who does this? All the posts telling you what to do with the cat are for him

[MrMeSeeks]

I’d get rid of you
Stop spraying it with water! It’s in it’s own house ( quite frankly YOU’VE invaded IT’S home)
Maybe if you started actually interacting with it as it seems to be trying with you, you’d get on better.
If not, then YOU leave.
No wonder there are so many unwanted pets, you’re the problem.

[MrMeSeeks]

I don't think any one should live like that and I think people come before animals

This is why people think animals can just suddenly be dumped when a new person comes on the scene.

They come first in my house.
If i had a new man he’d be straight out the door if it was him or the animals, no contest.

[PastaPins]

Pop him on time out...🙊

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

stop referring to the cat as "it" for a start!
Bengals are a bit unpredictable - as someone else has suggested, he is probably bored. Make sure he has enough toys, and in his calmer moments, make time for interactive play.

[CutToChase]

Bengal cats kept indoors make me really sad

[MrsToothyBitch]

My parents have a Bengal- so I've lived with one! Ours is an older lady now and less energetic and has always been very gentle but she's still very full on to look after. I've read that they're one of the more dog like breeds before, too. They are smart and trainable- which might encourage you?

1. Don't squirt him with water. This won't work and won't put you in his good books. Get a feliway plug as suggested.
   
   
2. If he's spraying indoors/destroying things though ... ours is a rescue and scent marks to feel secure. She also does it if she feels she's not getting enough attention. We found out bengals can be vengeful- they're clever and acquisitive will purposely pick out what to hide or destroy. If he's scent marking things that smell of you and backing it up by only wrecking your things or thieving your things (ours doesn't thieve, mercifully), that suggests a bit of both to me. Ours sprays anywhere if she's anxious or insecure. She goes mostly for the good living room or the dining room if she's doing it because she's pissed off and doing it for attentiin- she now knows these places upset my mum most.
   
   
3. He might be going for you out of dislike/desire to be boss but he also sounds horribly bored and using this as an outlet for his energies. Bengals are clever and social. They NEED interaction, activity and stimulation the way a dog needs a walk. Some bengals play fetch and learn tricks, too. Before she got quite so elderly, ours used to have a 40 minute or so dedicated play time in the morning. She'd bounce off the walls, quite literally. She usually had a good sleep after that though- but would like to be played with again for a bit in the afternoon. We have a tunnel for her to race through and hide in and lots of toys. Fishing poles are brilliant, and anything fast moving that they can chase. Bengals do get bored- best advice we got was to buy a toy box and rotate toys so they rediscover things. Ours would come to us and "talk" if she wanted to play or just generally wanted a fuss. Ignoring her would risk a vengeance spray!
   
   
4. They can also be incredibly affectionate. Ours is the most loving cat we've ever had. She really was persevering with despite testing us out like a rebellious teenager when we got her. Looking at your OP you mentioned stopping him coming on the bed, which was when he used to knead you and sit on your chest? Ours does that to my mum- in adoration. He might feel rejected? They're sensitive souls!
   
   If you don't want to move and your bf won't give up the cat, I'd start by learning more about the breed. They're very distinct. Breed books & websites will help. I'd also watch some Jackson Galaxy on youtube. There are definitely a couple of bad boy bengals/part bengals on there, and lots if cats with specific people problems! If not, it doesn't sound like your oh has been a good bengal owner. He might be ok with a mog or a less needy breed but I'm not sure he's the right guy for this cat. I adore my parents bengal but I wouldn't get one- I work outside the house and they need attention and someone around a lot.
   
   Finally- start a thread on The Litter Tray. Way more advice.

[MamaMoonbeam]

Lol! This is hilarious! 😂

[ZaraW]

Time for your boyfriend to get a new girlfriend preferably a cat lover.

[CodenameVillanelle]

@AfterSchoolWorry

Bf obviously won’t train the cat to behave

🤣🤣🤣

I have a cat who has a high play attack drive and it does my head in. I do my best to mitigate this by lots of play time and interaction. An ignored bored cat will play attack, they need interaction. This isn't a ridiculous statement.

[Hotwaterbottlelove]

You use language that demonstrates you know nothing about cats. This is an indoor cat. The house is it's entire world. And suddenly you arrive and fuck it all up. I would be pissed off at you too. Cats don't respond to discipline and do need stimulation, and an environment set up that suits them. I would dump you in this situation. You sound dumb, I have no time for humans who don't understand that animals experience fear too.

[madcatladyforever]

You haven't got a bastard cat you've got a bastard boyfriend.
It sounds like nobody pays the cat any attention accept when it plays up which is why it is playing up, it has NO stimulation i'e people entertaining it with toys, it can't go out.
The poor cat is basically in solitary confinement in a cat prison completely sensory deprived and unable to carry out any normal cat behaviours and there is no interaction with it's humans.
And you wonder why it does this - it is desperate for interaction of any kind. This is a terrible environment for a cat.
This cat should be rehomed as it a very cruel environment for an animal and it sounds as if it is beyond stressed.
If I knew where he lived I'd report your bf to the RSPCA.

[Purpledaisychain]

YABU to make him choose between you and the cat. If my bf tried to make me choose between any of my pets, the relationship would be over.

[JacobReesMogadishu]

Buy another Bengal and they can stalk each other, pounce on each other all day. 😂