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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is too big an age gap?

197 replies

Sjapnowpls · 21/10/2020 20:09

22 year old female and 29 year old male. I think they're at 2 different stages of their lives and surely very different maturity levels. AIBU?

OP posts:

RaisinGhost · 22/10/2020 13:45

I agree with you in a way, but the maturity imbalance is usually only obvious to the older person. And when the older person is a man, they don't care so long as they get to have sex with a younger, more attractive person.

But if they are both happy, what does it matter really? You can't blame the age gap for her putting him on a pedestal - she could easily be obsessed with a same age bf too, with any number of bad traits. I think many of us have done this at some stage.

YukoandHiro · 22/10/2020 13:52

Totally unreasonable. When we got together, I was 26 and my now husband was 38. But the whole point was that we weren't at different points in our lives. In fact I already owned my own flat and he was renting in a house share. Neither of us had kids or any significant ex baggage (we'd both had prior serious relationships but neither had been married/bought a house with anyone etc).

YukoandHiro · 22/10/2020 13:56

"They differ on many huge things which she values highly".

This is more important, OP. What kind of things? Do you feel she's having to compromise her own sense of self to maintain this relationship?

sophi1207 · 22/10/2020 14:00

I met my partner when I was 22 and he was 29- still together 4 years later. We were at a similar stage in our lives though and still are.

lovehorror199ii · 22/10/2020 14:05

Keep out! They're both adults.

ShopTattsyrup · 22/10/2020 14:13

It's a fairly small age gap ... I see no issues at all unless the "different stages" thing has more to it than you're letting on.

For what it's worth I was 25 and DP 31 when we started seeing each other. I was the one 4 years into a career with savings etc. He had only started he career in the previous 18months and had zero savings after spending it all in his late 20s training. So technically I suppose I was at a more "grown up" stage than he was.

Idontbelieveit12 · 22/10/2020 14:20

Me and DH got together when I was 18 and he was 28. We’ve been together 15 years and have 3 children and are very happy together.

Onadifferentuniverse · 22/10/2020 14:53

I was 18 and my husband 27 when we got together.

Absolutely nothing wrong with that gap or the one in your op.

Onadifferentuniverse · 22/10/2020 14:55

‘He does seem to treat her well, although they differ on many huge things which she values highly so I'm not sure how sustainable this relationship is.’

That’s for your daughter to decide isn’t it.
You sound too involved.

allhappeningatonce · 22/10/2020 15:04

I think it's a little on the big side, depending on their circumstances of course. I'm 30 & couldn't imagine being in a relationship or even a close friend of someone of 22 because they're going through such a different point in life. 22 will have just left uni (if they went) & finding their feet in the world. 29 should know who they are hopefully & be a little more settled in life/maturity. If it were a female relative of mine at 22 in this situation, I would worry about them settling too young & not spreading their wings or having the fun years a lot of 20 somethings enjoy (if COVID ever ends). Relationships move a lot quicker at 29 than at 22.
Of course, each to their own, that's just my own opinion based on my experience of my 20s. I left uni & moved countries a month later at 22 to establish my career. Partied and worked very hard & made loads of friends in the process. I ended up moving away even further & travelled a lot & met my OH in the process in mid 20s. Tbh, if you asked me at 22 if I wanted to settle down near home with a lad of 29, I would have agreed. But life sent me on a different path & I don't regret one minute of it. I'm settled down now & they are the best memories to look back on.

Mumbum2011 · 22/10/2020 18:49

I was 22 (just finishing uni) and my dh was 30, owner his own house, good job etc. We're now married 11years, together 15. The age gap is quite normal ime.

JanewaysBun · 22/10/2020 19:12

That's not even a gap two people In their 20s get together is entirely normal.

You can be at a different stage of life to someone the same age as you but that's different

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 22/10/2020 20:31

@MerchantOfVenom fair enough, didn't see that post. In that case maybe it depends on the industry - could be awkward as arse if you bump into your ex or even his new girlfriend at events all the time or have to cross paths professionally - speaking from experience where I had to commission some research for work and the contract manager of the research company turned out to be the woman my ex left me for...

Nottherealslimshady · 22/10/2020 21:06

Wtf? 7 years. How are they at different life stages?! DH and I have 22 years between us!

Nottherealslimshady · 22/10/2020 21:11

Btw my parents were like you are. It sounds like you're saying she's not good enough for him and hes only with her because of a perceived power imbalance. I chose my future husband over my parents, if they hadn't come around they would have missed my graduation, wedding and now my pregnancy and their grandchild.
Give your daughter some credit and do not try and get between them.

TheTrollFairy · 22/10/2020 21:14

There is a larger gap between me and DP and we have been together for well over 10 years now. I (obviously) don’t see anything wrong with it

MaxNormal · 22/10/2020 21:15

If the guy is 29 and the girl 23 then its fine as most men are just little boys at that age.
But the other way around? No way haha

What difference does it make? Apart from sexism?

AuntPeggy · 22/10/2020 21:56

I think as hard as it is, you probably need to back off. The issues you mention (about DD looking up to him/impressed etc) could apply to in any relationship, regardless of age gap e.g the ability to be manipulated in a relationship is not necessarily determined by an age gap but by the type of person he/she is. Unfortunately I think you're seeing your girl being besotted and despite your misgivings think you're probably best to take a neutral stance ( you haven't indicated any red flags in his behaviour that would speak to anything abusive happening)...it's the classic too that if you show disapproval etc you'll likely just have the opposite effect of pushing her towards him!

Onadifferentuniverse · 23/10/2020 10:47

Op you need to learn to back off. You could pick any issue out of any relationship to be ‘worried’ about.

So what he’s older than her? Stop trying to pick negatives in your daughters relationship out of ‘worry’

Worry for what? Splitting up? Even ‘perfect’ relationships don’t survive.

FineWithWine · 23/10/2020 13:01

This is hardly an age gap!! My friend’s parents met when her DM was 24 and DF was 42- DF was single, never married but very established career wise and DM was ok in her career, lots of dating history but also no marriage or kids. Then they had my friend who I think has always had the best of both worlds- a young, energetic mother and a sensible, older and wealthy father. They’re still blissfully happy!

7 years is nothing

BadlyDrawnSimpsonsCharacter · 23/10/2020 13:14

Not a big age gap whatsoever

Whammyyammy · 23/10/2020 13:16

Nothing wrong with that imo

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