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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is too big an age gap?

197 replies

Sjapnowpls · 21/10/2020 20:09

22 year old female and 29 year old male. I think they're at 2 different stages of their lives and surely very different maturity levels. AIBU?

OP posts:
Tillygetsit · 21/10/2020 22:50

That's nothing. There are 14 years between DH and I...he's older. My dm ans ddad had 15 years between then and he was older. It totally depends on the person, not the njmber of years they've lived.

RoseTintedAtuin · 21/10/2020 22:52

The age certainly isn’t an issue and I wouldn’t think the ‘idolisation’ is either but if he is her line manager or director at work responsible for her this may be more of an issue.

TheyreComingToGetYouBarbara · 21/10/2020 22:54

The age gap itself isn't a problem. That's almost exactly the gap between my husband and me, and we've just celebrated 19 years of marriage.

However, our "experience gap" wasn't so big, as far as relationships go. He didn't have any baggage with previous serious relationships, for instance. (Of course, some on here would probably say the fact that he hadn't had a serious relationship was itself a red flag!)

Just be there for her and keep an eye on it. She'll realise he's not perfect soon enough. There's a honeymoon period of any relationship, and maybe he is more mature and sophisticated than the average man of her own age.

A man her own age is just as likely to be a manipulative jerk as one several years older.

Ltdannygreen · 21/10/2020 22:59

Many Years ago this was the norm, my grandparents all have like 7-9 year difference, now it’s like a massive deal. Age is just a number....if they are happy I say why not, they have to learn from thier own mistakes.

Goosefoot · 21/10/2020 23:01

@Sjapnowpls

Wow, I went out for a bit and this blew up! For context, the girl in this situation is my DD.

She's straight out of university and this is her first real boyfriend. In contrast, he has a mortgage, has had at least one serious relationship, is much senior to her at work and generally seems a lot more established in his life. I worry that this is not an equal footing on which to start a relationship.

DD is mature, but she's naive and is definitely not at the same level of maturity as this man who is nearly 30.

I am not convinced that an equal footing is a necessary thing to ask for in a relationship. It might be one thing if you thought she'd be actually trapped somehow, but that doesn't really seem relevent here.

It might be that the difference in maturity will mean it doesn't work out, which is fine. If he's using his greater experience to manipulate her, that's not great but presumably people who are manipulative tits at 29 are also manipulative tits at 22.

Esspee · 21/10/2020 23:04

At her age I met my husband who was 16 years older than me. It was never a problem except he died just after our 30th anniversary.

ShopoholicIn · 21/10/2020 23:04

"@Betty94

I mean no not really, my mum was 19 and my dad was 50 so I was expecting to see something as bad"

Lol me too..
OP 7 years is perfectly normal in my opinion. YABVU

Nacknick · 21/10/2020 23:05

What do you mean by “ is much senior to her at work” @Sjapnowpls?

Original poster
Sjapnowpls · 21/10/2020 23:07

@Nacknick

What do you mean by “ is much senior to her at work” *@Sjapnowpls*?
They work in the same industry and he is at a more senior level. They don't work for the same company though.
OP posts:
lborgia · 21/10/2020 23:09

My only concern would be if they were in the same department. If it goes wrong, she’ll be the one who has to leave, he may have some power over where she goes next in terms of promotion too.

BTBH, there’s sod all you can do about it, but be there for the joys and any woes. When you say her first boyfriend, as in, she hasn’t had much luck getting a boyfriend, or she hasn’t found anyone to connect with yet. Because that would be the big issue.

I actively chose not to date anyone when I was at school, but by the time I was at university, I was ready.

You’re allowed to be concerned, you’re a mum, but please don’t say anything to your daughter, just keep your eyes and ears open. Hopefully, you’ll be pleasantly surprised, and she’ll blossom, and be terribly happy.

lborgia · 21/10/2020 23:10

Ha, xpost!

esmethurst · 21/10/2020 23:11

I met DH when I was 20 and carefree
He was 30 and very mature

Still going strong with a wonderful DS

OP, you sound like a nightmare.

Your poor DD

Iftheclouds · 21/10/2020 23:12

No not really

copperoliver · 21/10/2020 23:12

My husband and I have six years between us and we have been together 33 years. I wouldn't want a man the same age as me as I don't think they mature at the same rate as women, I would find a man my age annoying. X

Original poster
Sjapnowpls · 21/10/2020 23:12

She has always had a lot of boys interested in her. From the sounds of it, she hasn't had a boyfriend before because she's never liked those who were into her and turned them all down!

OP posts:
overnightangel · 21/10/2020 23:14

“ she's never liked those who were into her and turned them all down!”

She’s 23 .... I don’t think it’s her who’s naive 😂

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2020 23:16

You need to back off and keep your beak out, op. Your daughter is an adult and needs to navigate the world without your interference. There is nothing to suggest there is anything nefarious about their relationship.

supersky · 21/10/2020 23:17

I don't think it's a big age gap. Anyone can be in different life stages, my DH and I are weeks apart in age and when we met we were at different stages in terms of a lot of things

copperoliver · 21/10/2020 23:17

Only nasty people manipulate people if he is a nice man they should be fine also it's nice he financially responsible, already got a mortgage ect, they won't have to worry about that.
Give him a chance. X

NeonGenesis · 21/10/2020 23:19

I really would just leave it well alone. Unless he becomes abusive there is no need to get involved. Sounds like she is happy.

NeonGenesis · 21/10/2020 23:22

Anyone can be in different life stages

Totally agree. I'm a few years younger than DH but due to him taking time out to work and also doing a very long degree, I had already been out of university for years when we met, whereas he had literally just left. So it did feel at that time like I had a lot more life experience than him, because I'd been living independently and paying bills etc whilst he was still doing the student thing. Within a couple of years it had all evened out and we're very much on the same page.

balloonsintrees · 21/10/2020 23:22

I was just about to get married at that age, to my 29 year partner. Just celebrated 20th wedding anniversary...each to their own and all that?

AirDuser · 21/10/2020 23:24

It depends. When I was 22, I had a weird something with a 30 year old and looking back, I realise I was so young and immature back then.

Bubbletrouble43 · 21/10/2020 23:24

That's the ages my ex and I were when we became parents. We split due to his immaturity despite him being 7 or 8 years older than me.

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 23:25

I had my DS at 24, my DSis had her first at 35. If we were the same age, we'd have been at completely different life stages - you're making up problems.