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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is too big an age gap?

197 replies

Sjapnowpls · 21/10/2020 20:09

22 year old female and 29 year old male. I think they're at 2 different stages of their lives and surely very different maturity levels. AIBU?

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 21/10/2020 21:32

@Sjapnowpls I do hate these AIBU with no context. Just a random question.

why do you care? Is this you? Your son or daughter?

FWIW I was 21 and dating a 34 year old.

My parents were happy as they saw him as mature, stable and sensible, compared to all the immature wankers who messed me about before.

Myglorioushairdo · 21/10/2020 21:34

The age difference is only 7 years 🙄 Let them be..

Givemeabreak88 · 21/10/2020 21:34

No it’s fine. I never dated guys my own age as found them immature

LindaEllen · 21/10/2020 21:35

Age is just a number, as people say. It depends on the individuals, and whether it works for them. There's no such thing as too big an age gap, so long as both of them are happy with that.

Justjoshin22 · 21/10/2020 21:40

Agree with everyone above. 7 years is nothing, leave them be

LemonBreeland · 21/10/2020 21:45

I was 21 and DH 30 when we met. We've been together 22 years, so I would completely disagree with it being too big an age gap.

PriceEmUp · 21/10/2020 21:46

I was 17 when I met my other half he was 26 we were ‘friends’ until I turned 18 because people talk and the age gap is pretty big, 9 years.

We brought our first home together after 4 years and we now have a beautiful 10 month old little girl and are getting married in a few years.. hoping that Covid had been and gone by then!

Age isn’t a barrier if it’s safe and legal.

Ceebs85 · 21/10/2020 21:51

Just here for the massive drip.feed

ddl1 · 21/10/2020 21:53

22 and 29? Of course it's not too big a gap. It's quite common. Actually, I think that, so long as both partners are over the age of consent, and so long as they actually love and like each other (rather than her wanting his money, or him wanting to boast of his trophy wife), any age gap can be great. People are not defined by their ages, and there are many variations in personality and life experience that are nothing to do with age.

happymummy12345 · 21/10/2020 21:55

Absolutely not.
I'd just turned 21 when I met my husband, he was 29. I was a student and he worked full time but we still made it work, and couldn't be happier.
I first met my husband end of April 2014, we became a couple 9th may 2014. We decided to start trying for a baby in July 2014, we moved in together in October 2014, I got pregnant in November 2014, we found out I was pregnant 19th December 2014. We got engaged 13th January 2015, and got married 9th April 2015. Baby was due 30th August 2015, was actually born on 5th September 2015.
So we had been together exactly 11 months the day we got married. I know it's very quick, being married and expecting a baby within less than a year of being together, but it worked for us. We had discussed marriage and both agreed it was what we wanted, but we weren't officially engaged. But we knew it was important to us to be married before the baby was born, so we made sure we were. It was perfect.
I'd just turned 21 when we met, he was 29. I'd obviously just turned 22 when we got married, he was 30, turning 31 later that year.
We couldn't be happier

Original poster
Sjapnowpls · 21/10/2020 21:58

Wow, I went out for a bit and this blew up! For context, the girl in this situation is my DD.

She's straight out of university and this is her first real boyfriend. In contrast, he has a mortgage, has had at least one serious relationship, is much senior to her at work and generally seems a lot more established in his life. I worry that this is not an equal footing on which to start a relationship.

DD is mature, but she's naive and is definitely not at the same level of maturity as this man who is nearly 30.

OP posts:
PriceEmUp · 21/10/2020 22:01

But this man makes your DD happy, she’s not in any danger.

The way your last reply reads.. would you rather your DD was with a ‘fuck boy’ that was not mature and could potentially lie, cheat and break your DD’s heart?

Why is being mature an issue? Failing to understand why you would not want her to be with someone who sounds genuine.

Giganticshark · 21/10/2020 22:02

Kindly : butt out. She's an adult, likely not as naive as you may think. Unless there are issues around abuse of any kind then just let them be.
It's a fine gap

Original poster
Sjapnowpls · 21/10/2020 22:02

Because I worry that there is a power imbalance and that if he wanted to manipulate her, he likely could with relative ease

OP posts:
drumst1ck · 21/10/2020 22:03

As someone said above, I would much rather that for my daughter than someone with an unstable job, no finance management and not very mature...don't really see the issue here.

ElleEmDee · 21/10/2020 22:04

Genuine question - what about if the genders are the other way? My DN 19 is seeing a woman 7 years older than him. He’s a very mature 19 and she thought he was much older when they first met. She’s lovely and the whole family likes her a lot but there is a niggle of worry with his mother that the girlfriends biological clock will start ticking well before he has had a chance to do all those things you do in your twenties including finishing uni (he’s barely started whereas she has graduated and settled in a career), travelling etc.

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 22:04

@Sjapnowpls

Wow, I went out for a bit and this blew up! For context, the girl in this situation is my DD.

She's straight out of university and this is her first real boyfriend. In contrast, he has a mortgage, has had at least one serious relationship, is much senior to her at work and generally seems a lot more established in his life. I worry that this is not an equal footing on which to start a relationship.

DD is mature, but she's naive and is definitely not at the same level of maturity as this man who is nearly 30.

In the nicest possible way, you need to butt out. She's not a child, she's not a baby - they're both adults and you're going to lose if you make their life difficult. Far too many people post on here about the difficult relationships they have with their parents because their parents would not let them live their own lives. You seem like a loving, caring parent but if that turns into control then you will lose her. When I met DH, I was "the older woman" and his mother HATED me. She said I was corrupting him, turning him against everyone, ruining his life chances etc etc etc. She phoned his dad (they're divorced) and demanded he force DH to break up with me and convinced DH's grandparents to remove him from their will unless he ended the relationship. I am seven months older than he is! To me, this doesn't sound like it's about the age gap per se, it's about her having an adult relationship and you not viewing her as an adult - she is one.
MoonJelly · 21/10/2020 22:05

My father was 9 years older than my mother. They met when she was 21 and married when she was 22. They had an extremely happy marriage that lasted over 62 years till my father's death.

screamingchild · 21/10/2020 22:06

Not a big age gap at all.

Myglorioushairdo · 21/10/2020 22:07

@Sjapnowpls does he treat her well? Is he a nice, kind, reliable person? Those are the questions you should be asking. 7 years is nothing..

RaspberryToupee · 21/10/2020 22:07

I can see it if the 22 year old has gone straight from living with their parents to university, are still studying and relying on the bank of mum and dad and the 29 year old has been working since they were 18 and have their own place. That’s more to do with the stages of life they’re in rather than age though. You could experience the same if they were both the same age.

Ughmaybenot · 21/10/2020 22:08

Oh behave yourself 😂 you need to butt out or you’ll push your daughter away.
I was going with someone 14 years older than me when I was 21, and if there was a power imbalance, it favoured me. I ended up breaking his heart really, but there was nothing inherently damaging or wrong about our relationship, we were just two adults who fancied the pants off each other and had a great time together but ultimately wanted different things 🤷🏼‍♀️

PriceEmUp · 21/10/2020 22:09

I don’t think that’s your issue. If you really think a mature man in a good career position is more likely to manipulate your DD than a man who is more her age you’re sorely mistaken.

Power in a career doesn’t mean abuse in a relationship. Hmm

Hugosmugo · 21/10/2020 22:09

A power imbalance?! He's 29 not 59.
Leave them be!

Littleposh · 21/10/2020 22:10

Manipulation has nothing to do with age gaps