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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is too big an age gap?

197 replies

Sjapnowpls · 21/10/2020 20:09

22 year old female and 29 year old male. I think they're at 2 different stages of their lives and surely very different maturity levels. AIBU?

OP posts:
PriceEmUp · 21/10/2020 22:13

On a better note.

If you have concerns, voice then to DD without trying to influence her, you’ll only push her away and she rebel anyway.
Explain you’re worried about XYZ. Give her some examples of what to watch out for in nature and traits so she’s aware of what manipulation can look like. But don’t try and sway her decisions. It’s not fair, it’s not your life.

If you’re honest and open with her without being pushy she’ll return the favour.

NotBehindTheRadiatorPlease · 21/10/2020 22:13

I mean, if she was 15 and he was 22 then yes, big problem. But two adults? No. I'm 24 and my partner is 30, we met when I was 20 and he was 26. We are perfectly happy.

MiddleClassMother · 21/10/2020 22:14

You sound completely insane and a little unsupportive of your daughter. Leave her be and she'll be fine, probably very happy.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 21/10/2020 22:15

The age gap is not an issue.

Approximately ten years is nothing. As long as they're both on the same page as to what they want from life/the relationship.

TheVanguardSix · 21/10/2020 22:18

I was 23 with a 30 year old BF. We broke up. I’m 48 now. He’s 55. Still dearest of friends.

lioncitygirl · 21/10/2020 22:20

what?! there is 13 years between me and my partner....

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 22:20

@PriceEmUp

On a better note.

If you have concerns, voice then to DD without trying to influence her, you’ll only push her away and she rebel anyway.
Explain you’re worried about XYZ. Give her some examples of what to watch out for in nature and traits so she’s aware of what manipulation can look like. But don’t try and sway her decisions. It’s not fair, it’s not your life.

If you’re honest and open with her without being pushy she’ll return the favour.

I'd only suggest this if OP's concerns are actually linked to his behaviour - not his demographic. It's discrimination to assume someone is an abuser because of their age, gender, race etc and I wouldn't take too kindly to anyone even hinting my husband was abusive/manipulative based on those things about him. If OP has examples relating to his actions or personality then she may be able to carefully discuss these with her daughter but otherwise she needs to stay silent.
chipsandgin · 21/10/2020 22:20

Totally normal, odd question!

HollowTalk · 21/10/2020 22:22

I'm with you, OP. It does depend on the couple of course, but it's pretty obvious that he's going to be at a different stage to her. I would want her to benefit from having that early stage of adulthood with people her own age.

Having said that I do know couples where it really works. Only you know your daughter and this guy.

Yogawithmydog · 21/10/2020 22:22

The age gap isn't really an issue - is he a decent person is a much more relevant question.
Do you know your DD's full dating history? She may not be as naive or gullible as you seem to think - Uni can be a lot of fun and a real learning curve about much more than just academia.
Is he actually senior TO HER at work? Or just in a more senior type role. If he's in the same workplace that could give me pause for thought.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 21/10/2020 22:24

" is much senior to her at work"

is he, in any way, her boss?

Youandmeareluckytobeus · 21/10/2020 22:24

I think it depends on the people involved. When I was 22, I would not have dated a 29 year old...far too old for me. I think it isn't the age difference but, as you say OP, the difference is in the times of their lives they are at. Same as 32 & 39 (it could be the difference between starting a family and completing having a family) yet 42 & 49 seems fine.

You know your DD but, even if it was a relationship that fizzles out, or one with a power imbalance, it's your DD's life and her mistake to make (if indeed it proves to be one).

It's hard but you have to let go and let her live her life but just be there for her if she needs you.

chipsandgin · 21/10/2020 22:25

Apologies, hadn’t seen the update - still not an issue though. I’d worry if he was the same age as you, but people in their 20’s/early 30’s get together all the time. Unless you think he’s coming across as manipulative etc it’s a very standard age gap, especially if neither have kids - just a normal relationship. Have you personally experienced relationships with men who exploit a perceived power imbalance? It could be you projecting that & it could happen in any relationship, regardless of age. If he’s kind & a nice man and she likes him maybe you should trust her judgement (unless there is a reason not to?).

mercutio12 · 21/10/2020 22:26

I'm 24 and DP is 31, we've had no issues. Women mature faster.

CorianderLord · 21/10/2020 22:26

No pretty normal. The 22 year old may be a little less mature but their older partner will likely help them grow up (so long as it's a healthy dynamic). I've seen much bigger age gaps and have lots of pals who are 28-35 who act just like me at 25.

NameChange84 · 21/10/2020 22:28

I’m usually not in favour of age gaps but 22/29 isn’t really much of a gap. I also disagree about the comments about 32/39 as I would have been happy to start a family with a 39 year old man when I was 32.
7 years isn’t much once you are 18+ imo.

SunShinesStill · 21/10/2020 22:29

Wow.
If you act this way about your daughter, you’re likely to lose her forever. A lot of people come out of uni engaged and get married OP! Did she survive 3/4 years at uni without you? Are you worried about losing control of her and she running away from you?

Giraffey1 · 21/10/2020 22:31

My friend was with someone from her early 20s until his death at 94 earlier this year. He was 30 odd years her senior.
An age gap may be insurmountable or it may be irrelevant - it all depends on the individuals.

titchy · 21/10/2020 22:31

@Sjapnowpls

Because I worry that there is a power imbalance and that if he wanted to manipulate her, he likely could with relative ease
Do you think he will? Do you think she would recognise that behaviour? Has her behaviour changed to accommodate his feelings? Is he isolating her from her friends or family?

Just because there is potential for something doesn't mean it will happen. She could be in a relationship with a 22 year old abuser.

Original poster
Sjapnowpls · 21/10/2020 22:34

I think I worry because she seems besotted with him, almost to the point of idolising him. She seems him as extremely sophisticated and intelligent with his life 'together', whereas I see him to be a fairly average almost 30 year old bloke. She's comparing him to all her 22 year old male mates and putting him on a pedestal in comparison.

OP posts:
MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 22:36

@Sjapnowpls

I think I worry because she seems besotted with him, almost to the point of idolising him. She seems him as extremely sophisticated and intelligent with his life 'together', whereas I see him to be a fairly average almost 30 year old bloke. She's comparing him to all her 22 year old male mates and putting him on a pedestal in comparison.
Most 22 year olds are absolutely besotted with their new boyfriends. It's probably good and healthy that you're not.
feministfemme · 21/10/2020 22:39

@Sjapnowpls Rejecting him is just going to push them both away (and make her more vulnerable to isolation and potential abuse). All you can do is support her right now, and not presume that an older bloke is any more of a threat than a 22 year old bloke.

gamerchick · 21/10/2020 22:43

Wow, I went out for a bit and this blew up! For context, the girl in this situation is my DD

I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years Grin

Settle down mama. Your bairn is happy, let her get on with it. It's nothing to do with you. The age gap isn't much at all.

Hailtomyteeth · 21/10/2020 22:44

OP, stop being limited by 'rules' you are making up for yourself and possibly, trying to inflict upon other people. She's an adult. At 22 I was shagging a man of 47, and now, at 63, I don't regret it one bit.

mydogmike · 21/10/2020 22:45

When I was 20 my partner was 30. 10 years later we had our children , bought our house. Age is just a number !

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