To want my husband at our baby scan?!!

[MrsBonnie]

I have our first scan on Monday and have to go it alone... I'm so worked up worrying about getting bad news and having to hear it on my own.

You can do SO many things with other people, yet I can't go into a baby scan, both wearing masks, with my husband?!!

Am I being unreasonable to whinge about this?

[quote Duemarch2021]@VodselForDinner

So.. By saying if you "choose" to have a baby during the pandemic, you're suggesting that the baby was planned? The PP stated that not all babies are planned.. you then go on to say that's irrelevant as you said "choose to have the baby" so are tou suggesting that if somone gets pregnant by accident during the pandemic then they should either have a termination or stop moaning?! [/quote]
That’s quite the garbled mess you’ve managed to type out there.

I did not say anything about pregnancies being planned or unplanned in my original post, the only reason I used those words (in my second post) was to correct the poster who twisted my words.

@earringsandlipstick if both people attending are in the same bubble, what exactly is the increased risk?

Well the husband could have covid and the patient not. I'm always surprised this is such a big deal having attended all my scans alone, partly because my partner was shit and couldn't be arsed to come, but in the country I had mine it was pretty much the norm. It was rare to find men in the waiting room in the gyno Ward. They'd be at work and employers wouldn't dream of letting them off or during summer season there's no way they could leave their own businesses. Men certainly weren't allowed to stay on wards or in hospital rooms and were not permitted in the theatre for c sections therefore I had both of my ops alone. Dads were meant to just come at visiting hours however they were pretty lax with that at my hospital, they'd have them kicked out by 7 though and new mums are kept in 4 -5 days for a natural birth and 7 with a section for a first baby that's if there are no complications and jaundice etc has cleared.

would rather have bad news alone and process it. Expressing a preference for this though is no longer socially acceptable pre Covid

The problem with this isn't because it's socially unacceptable to say you'd prefer to receive bad news alone. It's because you've always had the choice to go alone if that's what you want.

Not everyone feels the same though. I'm not going to go into everything here but I went through absolute hell during multiple pregnancies and received so much bad news that I ended up with a severe anxiety disorder. If it hadn't have been for my husband, I wouldn't have been able to go to scans at all they filled me with such dread.

Women who don't feel like you and prefer to have support of their partners when receiving bad news no longer have a choice.

It's not as simple as 'well I had bad news alone and I preferred it'.

And it also isn't as simple as 'those are the rules 🤷'

Because they aren't. The government have stated that they aren't, the health secretary has stated that they aren't, NHS England have stated that they aren't, RCM has stated that they aren't.

It should not be a postcode lottery, like with anything in our healthcare system.

And yes people are receiving other news alone, neither is acceptable. It doesn't make one okay though.

I'm 35 weeks. My partner hasant been able to come in for any NHS scans and appointments. He's sat in the car every time, every appointment/scan I had a cry in the car before going in, it's not easy!

We have had 3 private scans and they have been 100% worth it!

You can’t. It’s a given your partner comes to scans with you and attends the birth. Stating actually that’s not what you want turns it into it’s-his-baby-too.

So much drama! Many father's can't attend scans because they just can't pop away from their jobs. It's life.

I found out my baby had died at as an. My OH was 5 hours away at an important meeting. I called him as soon as I knew, he comforted me on the phone and drove down as quickly as he could after the meeting. At least your OH can be waiting for you in the car.

Well it is not ideal. But what is at the moment?

My OH came to none of my scans because he was a doctor and was on duty all the hours that god sends. I did not feel aggrieved about it - it was just how it was; and I was a big girl. And so are you!

Really - it is not such a big deal. Gird up your loins ands sally forth. It is a small sacrifice to have to do this alone in the midst of a pandemic.

I really think you can do this!!!

So much empathy, as always on Mumsnet. So heartening to read.

People have had lifesaving operations and treatment indefinitely postponed or cancelled (look at the higher number of deaths just reported from non-COVID 19 causes) and you're complaining because your husband can't be there for a scan?

We’re in the middle of a pandemic lovey.

@Funkypolar

So much empathy, as always on Mumsnet. So heartening to read.

Isn't it just.

This is what gets me with the 'i preferred to be alone' comments.

Really, what relevance does that have? Imo it's just I'm alright Jack and shows a lack of ability empathise that not everyone feels the same as you do because if you preferred to be alone anyway then this doesn't affect you does it.

@NameChange30

"Lovey"?! Fuck off

Haha, I thought the same. Patronising bullshit.

Lovey 🤢

@Funkypolar

So much empathy, as always on Mumsnet. So heartening to read.

I guess the 'be kind’ mantra is only applicable in some circumstances.

No it’s really not, thumb

But honestly FFS we are adult women. Not little children needing a nice adult to hold our hands and provide a colouring book.

@VodselForDinner

It’s unfortunate, but surely if you choose to have a baby in the middle of a global pandemic, you have to accept that there will be some adjustments in hospitals?

Exactly. As well as after re baby groups, after care etc.

@TammySwansonTwo

You are definitely not being unreasonable To want him there. Of course you do, it’s awful having to go through this alone.

However, I work in this part of the NHS and I’ve sat in on a lot of meetings about the restrictions. The units are desperate to relax them, they hate this too, but where they are still in place it’s because it’s really not safe. Each unit has different issues and with scans it’s usually small rooms with no ventilation etc. There have been regular in depth risk assessments at trust level, and restrictions have been reduced where they can be.

You can’t liken it to going to the pub for several reasons: you can choose whether to go to the pub, and more importantly leave if you’re not comfortable. That’s not possible with medical care, particularly for important testing or in maternity wards. If all the staff in a pub come down with COVID, they can close the pub for a few weeks - if the staff in a maternity unit catch it, they can’t provide maternity care. They are already understaffed due to staff having symptoms, testing positive, self isolating, too vulnerable to work etc. Some services are on a knife edge already.

They have to keep the risk down as much as they can, and it absolutely sucks and I wish it weren’t the case. But there have been cases in maternity units, even with the restrictions as tough as they are.

Each LMS have different guidelines at the moment mainly due to the set up of their facilities. Some are allowing partners to the 12 week scan but no others, some to 20 week scan, some to both and some to none at all.

All I can say is that there are lot of people working really hard to try to resolve this safely. I fear though that with things going as they are, any relaxation of restrictions will stop soon in many trusts. It’s awful.

This is a great response. Lots of people are upset about not having their partners with them (me included - he missed the scan for our first child which was really sad) BUT it's one of those things that comes with living through a pandemic and there are lots of reasons why it makes sense, even though it's upsetting.

We booked a private scan as well as the NHS ones. Where we are the private places will let 1 person in with the mother, so if that's an option for you perhaps that's a way around it?

@mincepiesalready

No it’s really not, thumb

But honestly FFS we are adult women. Not little children needing a nice adult to hold our hands and provide a colouring book.

Again with the patronising shit.

Some people really struggle with this. I've already said in my comment that I had a severe anxiety disorder that took years of medication and counselling when I was going through multiple pregnancy losses/bad news etc at various scans, some late stage that meant I honestly just wouldn't have gone to my scans if my husband had not have been there to make me essentially.

So yeah it fucks me off when people start comparing it to needing a colouring book or a family outing as if it's the same as planning a trip to the fucking zoo.

Get off your moral high horse. All you're doing is showing you lack the mental capacity to have empathy for other women who may not share the same experiences as you.

YANBU. I had my 12 week scan in July - husband wasn't allowed in and I got the devastating news that there was no heartbeat. Fortunately he was allowed into hospital when I then had to go and have my D&C, but that scan was horrendous. I understand the risks of letting unnecessary people into hospitals etc, but I genuinely think exceptions should be made for pregnant woman. I appreciate some may have differing views, but for me, I needed my husband there and then - not having to go sit in an empty room while he sprinted from the car park 😣

“We’re in the middle of a pandemic.”

Oh fuck off.

But hey it's good to see how far we still have to go when you see how quick women are to beat and mock other women about their care 👍

So what are you going to do if your relationship ever ends thumb?

Have you ever been single? Did you ever have to attend an appointment alone?

It’s not patronising. I’m sorry you feel it is. I was single for a long time before meeting my partner so maybe that’s why I don’t get it. But I honestly do think it’s reducing women to the status of young children and that’s why I have such an issue with it.

So what are you going to do if your relationship ever ends thumb?

I think it's safe to say most women who attend scans for pregnancy aren't single.

I didn't say my anxiety was around medical appointments, I said it was around scans, specifically pregnancy scans. So no, I wouldn't be going to one of those single (typically, I understand it fo s happen)

Wow, the lack of empathy in these replies! Did you know that feeling sad or anxious about needing to attend a scan alone and understanding why the rules are in place need not be mutually exclusive?

Even if you are a first time parent with no previous losses or complications, attending scans is a nerve wracking process. Add into that potential previous losses or high risk pregnancies with complications and it’s a whole different ball game. If you’re ok with being in that situation alone then good for you - but really, does it take such a leap of the imagination to understand why that isn’t the case for many mums to be?

I’m pregnant with my second and yes, I chose to get pregnant in a pandemic and knew what we were potentially facing. For many complex reasons, like others, I didn’t feel I had the luxury of time to wait for whenever this might all be over. This was after several losses and a high risk IUGR pregnancy which means I need regular scans this time. I find every appointment scary and will need to attend most alone - thankfully a private scan was an option for us. and that’s before I get to the birth, which last time meant a hospital stay of 10 days including induction and post natal. So yes, I get it but it doesn’t mean I’m weak or less deserving of empathy because I chose this.

Interestingly the views expressed on Mumsnet are nothing like anything I’ve heard in the real world, but it does make you wonder what people are really thinking!

Plenty of women get pregnant and split from their partners.

Or they choose to have a baby as a single woman.

Or their partners cannot get the time off work.

In normal times, fine. In pandemic times your ‘anxiety’ doesn’t mean pregnant women should have the numbers of people they are coming into contact with doubled.