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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my husband at our baby scan?!!

308 replies

MrsBonnie · 20/10/2020 21:33

I have our first scan on Monday and have to go it alone... I'm so worked up worrying about getting bad news and having to hear it on my own.

You can do SO many things with other people, yet I can't go into a baby scan, both wearing masks, with my husband?!!

Am I being unreasonable to whinge about this?

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 21/10/2020 15:32

No I won’t “bore off”. I’ll make allowances for that rant on the basis of your experience for which I’m truly sorry @stretchedmarks. You’re not the thread gatekeeper either, by the way.

Original poster
MrsBonnie · 21/10/2020 16:54

@Crunchymum

So the OP never came back? Hmm

FWIW I know someone who gave birth in May (EMCS) and she was alone from a few hours after baby was born until she went home on day 4.

Someone else I know was induced in July, she has to spend early part alone, her partner joined her for active labour and then left as soon as mother and baby were transferred to a ward.

It is absolutely barbaric BUT like everything we are all in the same boat.

I'm here, I'm here!

I've been at work all day and didn't realise this had taken off quite so much Blush

Thank you for the responses - lots of food for thought. Lots of 'these people have it worse' comments, and I totally agree. I have so much sympathy for those in worse off situations, and know that I will have to 'put my big girl pants on' and get on with it. I will keep my grumbles to myself, and

Ps. We've been trying for a baby for a while, and together made the decision not to put it on hold for COVID (not knowing how long it would go on!), so of course I knew this could happen, but I'm just feeling down about it.

Thanks to those who shared some sympathy haha! It's just a crappy situation for so many. Hopefully things will start a-changing soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBonnie · 21/10/2020 16:57

Ps. I am planning a homebirth to swerve the hospital rules.

I do have previous reason to worry about the scan, without going into detail. I just want him by my side if it IS bad news. I really hope it isn't!

OP posts:
stretchedmarks · 21/10/2020 17:23

Wishing you the absolute best @MrsBonnie

I know someone who had a homebirth over the pandemic period and she absolutely loved it. It was a beautiful experience. Flowers

Also, please don't feel like you have to disclose private information to justify yourself. You are completely justified in feeling how you do. The posters trying to tear you down aren't worth it.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/10/2020 19:51

@Powerchewings

Yawn. The NHS is under immense pressure as it is so you choose to have a baby in the middle of this massive crisis to add to it then whinge when this has been the policy for many months.
I can understand those who were pregnant before Feb having a moan but choosing to get pregnant knowing there is a pandemic and then then complaining I don’t get at all. All those maternity staff putting themselves at risk for other people wants are the ones my sympathies lie with.

If things like partners attending scans, maternity leave, by groups etc mean that much to people they can wait until it’s over before TTC.

Primadonna1 · 21/10/2020 19:59

One of the problems with having partners accompanying is the waiting area , doubling the amount of people (woman + partner in limited space areas . ) National guidance has been provided to maternity units recommending partners can attend scans . The ultrasound department I work in allows partners for all screening scans 12 and 20 weeks and for growth scan in exceptional circumstances ( prev still birth for example or where the mother does not speak English ) this again is due to numbers in the clinic rather than a desire to exclude partners . We asked women to come alone because that was national guidance at the height of the pandemic.

Funkypolar · 21/10/2020 20:01

IceCreamAndCandyfloss - people are still entitled to get pregnant and have a moan if they feel like it! You can’t control how people think and feel.

Do you have children?

AntiHop · 21/10/2020 20:09

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Can you really not get your head around the fact that many women had reasons for deliberately getting pregnant during the pandemic? And of course there's plenty of unplanned pregnancies.

We had been trying ttc number 2 since last year. We hadn't ttc an sooner as we were not in a financial position to have a second child. So we were being very responsible by waiting until we were in a financially stable position. When the pandemic hit, we carried on ttc as I'm 42 and if we didn't do it now, it would be too late. Good enough reason for you?

ColintheCrow · 21/10/2020 20:25

I had scans for bleeding, 20 week anomaly scan, two weekly growth scans and then weekly as he was breech and still small. All on my own. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone and I made the choice to do it on my own.

Poppiesway1 · 21/10/2020 20:25

@Primadonna1 Our department is exactly the same. Partners have been able to attend screening scans for a few months now.
When partners were unable to come to scan they waited outside and in the case of bad news they were allowed to come in and be with their partner in the counselling room when staff talked with them.
We are now only meant to have birth partners in for scan. However the issue we now have is patients saying they have separated from their partner since the dating scan, brining their mother (generally) along to the anomaly scan, and then apparently getting together again with the partner after the scan and in time for the birth. Patients mothers tend to drop them in it though when they are talking during the scan..

Never have I regretted becoming a sonographer like I do now, with rude patients who refuse to wear masks (thankfully our Trust now discusses the exemption reasons with patients prior to scans to weed out the ones who are just using the exempt reasons to not wear a mask), patients who tell staff we’re all hiding behind covid and it’s just an excuse and we should just be doing our jobs as they say we should as they pay our wages. I could go on.

hammeringinmyhead · 21/10/2020 20:33

Kind of incredulous about the "Well in MY day scans didn't exist and partners stayed at home and smoked cigars" brigade. Do we really want to go back to 1984 when my mum was told I didn't have a heartbeat, burst into tears, then left alone while the midwife wandered off for 10 minutes and returned with a functioning machine? She was so upset she couldn't drive herself home.

VinylDetective · 21/10/2020 20:42

@hammeringinmyhead

Kind of incredulous about the "Well in MY day scans didn't exist and partners stayed at home and smoked cigars" brigade. Do we really want to go back to 1984 when my mum was told I didn't have a heartbeat, burst into tears, then left alone while the midwife wandered off for 10 minutes and returned with a functioning machine? She was so upset she couldn't drive herself home.
No of course we don’t want to go back there but it’s surely not unreasonable to point out that women used to go to all their antenatal appointments alone?
willowmelangell · 21/10/2020 20:43

Could you use your phone to record the scan appointment, from start to end?
Sorry I have not read every comment and this might have already been suggested.
What I remember from scan is the rush to use the loo after, maybe not record that!

PurpleFlower1983 · 21/10/2020 20:43

If you can afford it get a private scan with your husband, it’s such a special time.

hammeringinmyhead · 21/10/2020 21:14

No of course we don’t want to go back there but it’s surely not unreasonable to point out that women used to go to all their antenatal appointments alone?

Yeah, it is, when followed by an unspoken "So suck it up". It's the same type of people who say lockdown isn't that bad because it's not WWII.

VinylDetective · 21/10/2020 21:21

It’s nothing like that.

CutToChase · 21/10/2020 21:26

Grow up.

How do you think single mothers manage?

picklecustard · 21/10/2020 21:27

Taken from a Times article I read recently- The United Nations has warned of a boom in unintended pregnancies during the coronavirus pandemic as millions of women are cut off from family planning services.

So it seems like the pandemic may be linked to a rise in unplanned pregnancies.

TidyOmlette · 21/10/2020 21:30

I needed to have scans on my own before covid. Not everyone can get the time off work to attend. It’s not fair but you’ll be absolutely fine.

grenlei · 21/10/2020 21:31

I think it's perfectly fair to say 15-20 years ago or less it was par for the course for partners not to be there.

That's not harking back 70+ years to a time few people can remember, it's within a generation. It's very recent. It's not in our grandparent or great grandparents time.

And also as has been said there are many partners who even in normal times now couldn't be at scans - teachers, doctors etc. It's as big a deal as anyone chooses to make it and really other things are more important now. This is one of those times where we need to be less selfish.

Original poster
MrsBonnie · 21/10/2020 21:37

@CutToChase

Grow up.

How do you think single mothers manage?

Some people on here are so rude. Are people like you this rude in real life or do you enjoy doing it from behind a keyboard? I always wonder!
OP posts:
Coolieloach · 21/10/2020 21:39

I think you need to look at the bigger picture- not everything is about your preferences.

Giespeace · 21/10/2020 21:40

I was alone when they told me my son had died at 34 weeks. I then had to tell my husband over the phone.
He didn’t get to see our boy at the previous scans. He was perfect until he was dead, there was no reason to be worried.
The hospital let him in and allowed him to spend time with me and our baby (I nearly died so was HDU anyway) but I wish they had let him see him when he was alive.
So I say fuck you covid, and fuck you to anyone who says it’s not important for dads to be at scans. It is.

NameChange30 · 21/10/2020 21:45

Giespeace
I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
MrsBonnie · 21/10/2020 21:45

@Giespeace

I was alone when they told me my son had died at 34 weeks. I then had to tell my husband over the phone. He didn’t get to see our boy at the previous scans. He was perfect until he was dead, there was no reason to be worried. The hospital let him in and allowed him to spend time with me and our baby (I nearly died so was HDU anyway) but I wish they had let him see him when he was alive. So I say fuck you covid, and fuck you to anyone who says it’s not important for dads to be at scans. It is.
I'm so sorry for your experience. Sad I know cases like yours are rare, but they obviously do happen, and it's not nice for them to happen to you alone.
OP posts:
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