To want my husband at our baby scan?!!

[MrsBonnie]

I have our first scan on Monday and have to go it alone... I'm so worked up worrying about getting bad news and having to hear it on my own.

You can do SO many things with other people, yet I can't go into a baby scan, both wearing masks, with my husband?!!

Am I being unreasonable to whinge about this?

Oh and really appreciated the measured, sane response from @TammySwansonTwo. It’s the first time I’ve seen such a thorough and rationale explanation of why things have to be the way they are, the trusts that aren’t able to relax their restrictions could learn a thing or two from you about their comms and talking to people like they’re adults. It’s certainly made me see things a bit differently. the other thing it would be great to see more of is what alternatives or mitigations can be put in place especially for the most difficult or traumatic situations that are likely to have an impact on post natal mental health. I haven’t seen any discussion around this at all!

I can totally sympathise in I stances when the pregnant woman has experienced multiple miscarriages before. Anxiety in this instance is totally understandable, but this thankfully is not common, and risk assessment should be based on the wider population, not as all group of hospital attendees.

In this instance, couldn't a private scan be an option? Do they too ban fathers?

Why do you need your husband there? Even if it's bad news, he can just be waiting down in the car park to comfort you. Are you very young?

Bloody hell I have 5 children and went to quite a few scans on my own because we couldn’t afford for us both to take the time off work. Of course it’s nice if they’re there, but when did we become so reliant on them? Time to woman up OP I’m afraid.

I would find this so hard. I had a very very difficult and complicated first birth, then when I was pregnant with my second baby I suddenly started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks reliving what happened the first time round and this usually happened whenever I entered the hospital, it was awful so to not have someone there as support would have been very difficult.

I went to my 20 week scan on my own as DH had to stay at home with DC2 who had chicken pox, I really don't get what the big deal is

@GlummyMcGlummerson

YANBU.

Why is it ALWAYS women that expected to be beaten with the shitty end of the stick?

It isn’t. It applies to all hospital appointments. It could equally be a man receiving a cancer diagnosis alone.

I’m old, when I had my babies men stayed at work and we all went to all our antenatal appointments by ourselves. You never saw a man in the waiting room. I’m really glad it isn’t like that any more in normal times but these aren’t normal times.

Of course it’s a great shame, but as pps have said, it used to be routine for women to attend scans on their own. Not a million years ago my own dd was alone at a scan where she was told there was no heartbeat - a ‘missed’ miscarriage. Of course she was in absolute bits, but she recovered.

As tragedies go, IMO it can’t be compared to an ex-colleague of mine, whose husband was in hospital for two weeks before he died (not of Covid) and she was allowed to visit him only for literally his last half hour.

@mincepiesalready

Did you genuinely just put 'anxiety' in inverted commas like it's a fucking joke instead of a diagnosable medical condition that can result in hospitalisation and death? Did you actually do that?

Fuck off with your tough girl bullshit. OK fine you've never had a mental health problem, you don't need anyone. Well done you. The rest of us members of the human species with our frailties and our dependency on our communities and support networks are clearly inferior to you.

yup its a very poorly handled situation.

Yes. I genuinely did.

Because I think it is extremely selfish to think your ‘anxiety’ over attending a scan alone trumps everyone else’s right to safety in a global pandemic.

Pregnant women in trimester 3 are vulnerable. Babies have died from coronavirus. But hey, someone is ‘anxious.’ So I won’t apologise for having that in inverted commas.

@SheSaidNoFuckThat

I went to my 20 week scan on my own as DH had to stay at home with DC2 who had chicken pox, I really don't get what the big deal is

Oh it's alright @SheSaidNoFuckThat doesn't get what the big deal is so therefore it's fine for everyone.

YANBU OP, I really empathise. It must be so hard.

It isn’t really relevant what other things you can do because as I understand it, these rules aren’t imposed by the government, they’re imposed by the local trust or CCG. As others have said, might it be worth checking to see that’s still their policy at your hospital? I heard ours relaxed theirs a while ago but didn’t tell patients it had updated the policy, so people who’d had their scans booked in for a while still thought they couldn’t take partners because that’s what their booking letters said.

Nonetheless I sympathise so much. I hope your scan goes well.

This thread is so heart warming isn’t it, I’m so glad women are so supportive of each other.

@MyMyMrThumb it's life! Things don't always pan out the way we want them to.

The thing is even with the very valid anxiety side of things that isn’t limited to just maternity services. It’s an issue across the board.

I have PTSD from DS Illness as a baby but at the moment I can’t access the same level of support as I would be able to normally. I can’t take someone else to appointments I know will be tough. It’s shit but it’s what’s needed.

I don’t think trying to separate maternity from the rest of the NHS helps anyone. This is an issue across the board and people in every department are having to deal with the issues as best as they can with the resources they have available

To OP - it does suck and I'm sorry. But tbh there's not much to be done, I do think hospitals are entitled to make this kind of risk assessment and decision.

I think people telling you to get a private scan are being elitist - not everyone can afford to go private for anything, least of all something 'non-essential' like an extra scan. 'Only' £50 could be their childrens' winter coats.

I think a bigger issue is tightening restrictions on birth partners when in labour. Women NEED support in labour, not least because maternity services (even midwives) tend towards the authoritarian and a woman in labour is particularly vulnerable to having her rights abrogated and her wishes overridden. She needs someone with her to support her to make her wishes known and to help her resist pressure to undergo unjustified interventions.

I mean even the supposed 'rule' that a woman has to be 4cm dilated before her birth partner(s) can join her makes an intervention that some women might not want (a vaginal examination) COMPULSORY if you want to be supported in labour.

I predict either a big rise in home births and freebirths, with potentially an attendant rise in high-risk births at home and possible negative outcomes, or else an increase in high intervention hospital births, trauma and PND.

My husband is allowed at my scans. If he wasn’t allowed, yes I would feel anxious and upset. I’m aware that my feelings don’t “trump” the regulations but I would still be allowed to feel what I feel, pandemic or no pandemic.

Being told to “woman up” or “there’s a global pandemic dontchaknow” would just make me feel mild contempt, posting that doesn’t make anybody feel better or change personal feelings.

It feels that only deaths from Covid matter. If a baby dies and the mother is alone they can “recover.”

@Funkypolar

This thread is so heart warming isn’t it, I’m so glad women are so supportive of each other.

The problem is some people confuse ‘being supportive’ with ‘agreeing with’.

I don’t agree that at the moment husbands or relatives or whoever should be able to attend scans, for the reasons tammy explains. I do think it reduces women generally to a childlike status if we complain about this. Everyone is having to adapt at the moment, even very little children.

If someone wants to start a campaign about better care post miscarriage or mental health support or new mothers I’m with them. But I cannot agree that this request/demand is a reasonable one at the moment.

@mincepiesalready

The person you were speaking to was not talking about a spot of nerves. She was talking about long term mental health issues as a result of repeated baby loss and bereavement.

You don't have to agree she has a right to her partner being there for a scan; I don't. But you can still have some basic capacity for empathy and not actively mock someone's diagnosed mental health problem.

You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself, but I know people like you don't do 'shame'.

I think a bigger issue is tightening restrictions on birth partners when in labour. Women NEED support in labour

Despite my feelings about scans, I do agree with this. The rules around labour absolutely do need to change.

Although I'm sure some people will just tell you to 'pull up your big girl pants' and get on with it because years ago women had to labour alone so what's the problem?

Because I think it is extremely selfish to think your ‘anxiety’ over attending a scan alone trumps everyone else’s right to safety in a global pandemic.

Just a semantic point but why do these sorts of posts always always refer to a ‘global pandemic’? Why not just ‘pandemic’ - we all know it’s global and the global bit is basically implied in the word ‘pandemic’ anyway?

It’s the predictable calling card of a flapping panicker who’s enjoying the drama, partly because it gives them an excuse to be unkind to other people (particularly women).

‘There’s a Global. Pandemic. On.’

@mincepiesalready

My mother committed suicide two years ago, and one of her mental health problems was severe anxiety related to trauma. Sorry, I mean 'anxiety', that risible nonsense she should have had the strength to rise above. Seriously how fucking dare you.

I understand you want your partner there but ultimately it’s a safety issue. Presumably you’re around 12 weeks pregnant so you must have known this was likely when you were trying for a baby? He can wait outside and most trusts allow them in if there is bad news.

I’m certainly not mocking anyone’s mental health. This is where it’s difficult with something like anxiety though, because person X has anxiety related to previous losses and person Y has anxiety due to being clinically vulnerable. So they each ‘need’ different things for that which can’t be compromised on.

In cases like that decisions that benefit the majority clearly need to be made.