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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my husband at our baby scan?!!

308 replies

MrsBonnie · 20/10/2020 21:33

I have our first scan on Monday and have to go it alone... I'm so worked up worrying about getting bad news and having to hear it on my own.

You can do SO many things with other people, yet I can't go into a baby scan, both wearing masks, with my husband?!!

Am I being unreasonable to whinge about this?

OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 20/10/2020 23:23

I'm pregnant with twins after losing 7 babies
Including previously being told there was no heartbeat at a 12 week scan. DH hasn't been allowed to any. It is what it is - I don't moan about it I just get on with it. These scans are medical appointments not outings to the pub.

They NEVER run on time anyway - 4 hours I was in waiting rooms the other week for my 20 week scan and consultant appointment. I actually prefer it at the moment without any bored looking partners on their phone or lolling about in the chairs. I don't have to worry about anyone but myself and the babies and I can read etc

Private scans cost as little as £50 where partners are allowed in so I'd recommend having one of those

GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea · 20/10/2020 23:35

Sorry but if mask wearing works though, and the partner wears a mask just like the patient, what's the problem? Where's the risk? Or are we saying masks don't actually help at all and they're just a placebo to make people think they're helping protect others?

howmanyroads · 20/10/2020 23:52

17 weeks pregnant, I actually find the campaign confusing and upsetting. I understand these things are nerve-wracking and people need support, I have anxiety myself and had a miscarriage in March.

However what's far more worrying for me than getting bad news alone at a scan or spending part of labour with my husband is the risk of getting covid, or there not being the midwives and doctors to provide the necessary care.

I really really can't get my head around people comparing it to pubs etc.

howmanyroads · 20/10/2020 23:53

Spending part of labour without my husband*

NameChange30 · 21/10/2020 03:22

"But maternity care isn't special in all this and I think a lot of discussion around this topic ignores that."

Actually maternity care is special.

  1. There are two lives at stake not one
  2. A baby has two parents
  3. The pregnant woman has to give birth; there are no other medical conditions in which the patient has to do anything like that. You could argue that an ELCS is similar to another operation, but for a woman who gives birth vaginally or who goes through labour before having an EMCS, she does this herself and needs appropriate support.
  4. After the birth, both mother and baby need care and support - the mother needs to recover (especially if she's had a c section or difficult vaginal birth) and it won't always be possible or easy for her to look after the baby by herself. The NHS doesn't provide enough care/support afterwards (they don't have the resources) so many mothers need the help of a partner or someone else when they're on the postnatal ward.
For every other health condition, it's just the patient and they can focus 100% on their own test and recovery.

FWIW I think it's more important for women to be allowed a birth partner throughout (ie not just when a midwife decides she's in "active labour") and to be allowed a visitor on the postnatal ward than it is for them to be accompanied at scans, but many women do need support from a loved one at a scan, particularly those who have had previous losses or bad news and/or those who have anxiety.

Of course you can't compare maternity care to going to the pub or the shops but you can't really compare it to other medical care either. It may be similar but it's not the same.

Edinburghfalls · 21/10/2020 03:59

@ivfbeenbusy
Im so sorry to read about all your losses.
Congratulations on your twins now though and wishing you lots of luck!

peachypetite · 21/10/2020 04:29

It is totally shit. I had my 12 and 20 alone like many women pregnant during this, but do understand they need to minimise risk to staff in order to keep the service running. Luckily my hospital has relaxed the rules a bit - if you give birth on the MLU husband can stay until discharge and now able to come to all scans.

tillytown · 21/10/2020 04:58

I'm so confused as to why you aren't allowed anyone with you. I had an MRI last Friday, went alone but was allowed to take a person for support with me. You don't get any information on the day so having someone with me was pointless, but a pregnant woman would need support straight away if something was wrong, it makes no sense.

tillytown · 21/10/2020 05:00

Also, congrats and good luck to all the pregnant women on the thread

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 21/10/2020 05:29

Must be great now, on labour wards no partners allowed to stop overnight. Can't understand being on a ward with 3 women, their babies and the partners sleeping on the floor???

The partners being allowed to stay after the birth is a difficult one for me. There are frequent debates about it on MN.

After DD1 was born in 2014, my DH was told he should go home. We thought that was a rule so he went home. I moved to the postnatal ward to find other partners there. I felt really vulnerable on my own. I was 19 with my first baby and couldn’t get her to feed properly and she kept crying. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep but she wouldn’t be put down. I ended up messaging my mum who rang the hospital (who said I was fine) and told them she was coming to be with me.

DD2 was born a month ago. DH couldn’t even carry my stuff to the postnatal ward this time. He was sent home as soon as I left my delivery room. I didn’t feel vulnerable at all on the postnatal ward by myself this time but she is my second baby and very chilled. I missed DH but I didn’t need him the way I needed someone after my first was born.

NatalieH2220 · 21/10/2020 05:46

Not being unreasonable, it's a pain when you look at some of the other things you're 'allowed' to do. I'm 35 weeks and my husband hasn't been to one scan. Having said that restrictions have eased slightly when in labour so that's a positive. I don't understand the logic as if he had Covid chances are I'd have it anyway so don't see the difference in us both being there.

malificent7 · 21/10/2020 05:58

Yanbu...i had all my scans alone before covid for different reasons and it was shit.

SoloMummy · 21/10/2020 06:08

@MrsBonnie

I have our first scan on Monday and have to go it alone... I'm so worked up worrying about getting bad news and having to hear it on my own.

You can do SO many things with other people, yet I can't go into a baby scan, both wearing masks, with my husband?!!

Am I being unreasonable to whinge about this?

You choose to get pregnant in a pandemic. The lack of partners at scans has been well publicised. Now live with that choice. Yabu. Yes it's not what we're used to, but if that was so important not having a baby now would have been more appropriate. If you feel this way about a scan, how will you feel if alone in labour?
BluntAndToThePoint80 · 21/10/2020 06:11

I’d agree with @TammySwansonTwo posts. Very well explained. Also... excellent username.

AlternativePerspective · 21/10/2020 06:25

Actually maternity care is special. no it isn’t. Women have been having babies for centuries, and it’s only really in the past 25 years or so that we’ve become so precious about needing partners at scans/deliveries etc. Prior to that scans didn’t exist anyway and men weren’t welcomed at deliveries.

Having a baby is natural. Yes it’s good for the partner to be there but let’s face it most people want the partner to be there so they can see the picture of the baby/be there at the birth. Once you’re that far gone into labour most women really couldn’t give a shit who was there or not.

I’ve had a baby. I’ve also had to undergo serious intervention in ICU, having neck lines inserted under local anesthetic only because I wasn’t allowed sedation due to my blood pressure being too low so they had to know that if I lost consciousness it wasn’t because of the sedation.

I’ve been awake while they tried (unsuccessfully) to insert a balloon pump to try to help my heart

I’ve been awake while they did a lung pressure test to see whether my lung pressure was too high to be considered for the urgent transplant list and then been there alone while they told me I wasn’t, and that this was going to be the end, that they couldn’t tel me when I was going to die, but that I was.

I’ve been awake when my heart rate dropped to 10 bpm and when the consultant attached the pads and started compressions to try to stop my heart from arresting while I begged him for a couple of seconds to stop before I lost consciousness and had three cardiac arrests.

(fortunately a new consultant entered on to the scene shortly after and I had some interventions which mean I will hopefully be eligible when the time comes...)

Sometimes shit happens in life.

Having a baby is by no means on the same scale, and while the birth is important, what is more important is the rest of that child’s life.

And if you choose to get pregnant during a pandemic while rules are still in place then you have no right to complain about the rules which you knew were already there.

endlesscraziness · 21/10/2020 06:30

The advice has changed, but decisions are at a local level based on what's happening locally. Hospitals still have to maintain 2m distancing and that isn't possible in a lot of the scanning rooms. It's hard but not deliberate the staff would love you to have scans with your partner but sometimes it's not possible

Duemarch2021 · 21/10/2020 06:31

Just an FYI.. if you're willing to pay privately for a scan, partners are allowed in.. well thats the case for wales anyway not sure where you are..we paid for 2 private scans at £45 each so that we can have the experience together xx

Duemarch2021 · 21/10/2020 06:43

@VodselForDinner

So.. By saying if you "choose" to have a baby during the pandemic, you're suggesting that the baby was planned? The PP stated that not all babies are planned.. you then go on to say that's irrelevant as you said "choose to have the baby" so are tou suggesting that if somone gets pregnant by accident during the pandemic then they should either have a termination or stop moaning?! Hmm

PrimeraVez · 21/10/2020 06:43

Pre-COVID I went to a routine scan alone as DH was stuck at work. I got terrible news. The fact that I had to receive that news alone made it so, so much worse. I feel for any woman in this situation right now.

dottiedaisee · 21/10/2020 06:47

@Jojobar

Unless you have some reason to be concerned about the pregnancy, I mean this kindly but it's not that big a deal if you have to go on your own. It's nearly 20 years since I had my DC admittedly, but back then (unless there were concerns) father's weren't at scans as a matter of course, I know my then partner didn't come to mine because he couldn't afford the time off. That's how it was. Some women had a partner or parent with them, others were on their own. We just got on with it because it didn't occur to us that we needed someone there.

In the current climate I think there are worse things happening than women having to attend what is in most cases a completely routine scan alone.

This . It actually never crossed my mind to take anyone with me for my scans! That doesn’t mean I am not sympathetic but imagine being the scanner in close contact all day long in a small unventilated room . The risks to the scanner are high and the trusts are probably running short staffed already because of people having to self isolate.
NameChange30 · 21/10/2020 06:54

"Once you’re that far gone into labour most women really couldn’t give a shit who was there or not."

You don't speak for all women. Many women do care.

So you nearly died. Well some women nearly die giving birth. And some babies nearly die being born. Some women and babies actually do die.

Hyperfish101 · 21/10/2020 06:56

I went to all my scans alone. I preferred it that way though.

Sorry you’re upset about it.

Mulderitssme · 21/10/2020 07:02

I have my scan on the 3rd of November and I'm asking for my partner to attend due to past losses that I've found out at scans. I'm already worried enough that to have him there would be reassuring.
I didn't expect to get pregnant so quickly. I turned 38 in the middle of August and it was then we decided to start trying again. Given my age, I thought it would take at least a year. It didn't, we had sex once and that was it.

NameChange30 · 21/10/2020 07:05

Plenty of women (myself included) got pregnant before coronavirus hit and they had to go through pregnancy and childbirth with all the restrictions, you can't say it's their own fault for getting pregnant.

And for those who got pregnant since then, well life has to go on doesn't it? Why should people who want children put their lives on hold indefinitely?

PurBal · 21/10/2020 07:09

YANBU to be upset OP. It sucks. If you don't want to go alone you can choose not to go at all. But the scans are offered for a reason so shouldn't be a hasty decision. It's your choice.