To want my husband at our baby scan?!!

[MrsBonnie]

I have our first scan on Monday and have to go it alone... I'm so worked up worrying about getting bad news and having to hear it on my own.

You can do SO many things with other people, yet I can't go into a baby scan, both wearing masks, with my husband?!!

Am I being unreasonable to whinge about this?

But that feeling anxious and having anxiety are completely different things. Of course lots of women are going to feel anxious about a medical appointment regarding their unborn child regardless of a pandemic, but not everyone of those women have an anxiety disorder

That would be true, except for the fact that the poster she belittled and mocked quote clearly stated that they did have a diagnosed anxiety disorder which stemmed from multiple pregnancy losses.

I hope no one truly believes it's okay to put that in the same category as generally feeling "a bit anxious" about something?

@thetangleteaser

This is the post Mincepies was replying to when she derided and questioned the poster's 'anxiety':

I've already said in my comment that I had a severe anxiety disorder that took years of medication and counselling when I was going through multiple pregnancy losses/bad news etc at various scans, some late stage that meant I honestly just wouldn't have gone to my scans if my husband had not have been there to make me essentially.

So this was not about someone confusing "feeling anxious and having anxiety". She has a diagnosed mental health disorder for which she has received extensive treatment. Mincepies referred to this in her reply as 'anxiety' (quote makes). She was very, very clearly trivialising the PP's diagnosed mental illness.

And then continued on a big speel about how they doesn't believe the genuineness of mental health disorders and how they are used to bully everyone into submission and so on.

@thetangleteaser

Or maybe that person didn't have 'real' mental health problems at all - maybe she just managed to manipulate all those MH professionals to diagnose her, and prescribe her with drugs and talking therapy so she could bully others with her 'anxiety' to get her own way. What do you think?

If I were the medical professional carrying out multiple examinations in a small room with no, or little, ventilation, I would not want to double my risk of exposure to Covid by having 2 people in the room. Masks don't make the risk of catching it zero. How about you OP? Would you want that? Remember that they've been exposing themselves since March. Continuing to do scans and providing an essential service during a pandemic. Can you say how you'd feel if that was your job and you had vulnerable people in your family?

They don't believe*

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@VinylDetective

This was not apparent. Do try harder.[/quote]
Ditto. Don’t blame me for your inability to understand nuance.

I’ve had a private scan with DH and the room was smaller than the NHS one. The sonographer also said she worked in the NHS.

DianaT1969 - if that’s the case then why are so many Trusts allowing partners in the scans? If it’s so dangerous?

I had paid for a private scan at 9 weeks so DH could be there, and was so glad I had as I had a missed miscarriage that almost definitely would have continued to the 12 week scan as it took 2 weeks before they could treat me anyway due to needing 2 x further NHS confirmation scans. So I can see how awful it would be not to have your DH there. BUT I also understand the reasoning and I think, as with many things with this pandemic, sadly we just have to put our big girl pants on and accept life isn't perfect, we aren't in charge of these decisions, and that in the scheme of things, having your DH there even if there is bad news will only make a momentary difference.

For me, the biggest issue would be telling DH if there was bad news. I would think about how you would do that. My plan would probably be to take my phone and ask the sonographer to call him (if they will do this?) as I don't think I could do it myself.

@Funkypolar

DianaT1969 - if that’s the case then why are so many Trusts allowing partners in the scans? If it’s so dangerous?

Because the set up at that particular hospital means they have been able to do a risk assessment which suggests it’s ok. Early on a knowledgable poster explained exactly which different places may have different rules

I’ll repeat

It was the worst day of my life but that was because my babies were dead, not because my husband wasn’t there

@OverTheRainbow88

I had to go to a breast referral app at the breast clinic and as I sat in the waiting room looking around, I thought how many of these women are going to be told they had breast cancer on their own.

Exactly this. But those women don’t matter apparently. Hope it went well for you Rainbow.

@mincepiesalready

That is one completely different poster's experience and has no bearing on the way you dismissed a different poster's mental health.

@VinylDetective

Exactly this. But those women don’t matter apparently.

Who says those women don't matter?

This is exactly why I didn't bring anything up to start with, because you regularly get accused of using it as an excuse.

The reason I did was because some posters seemed incapable of understanding that it's not always as simple as women acting like babies needing a colouring book or a family outing. That there are sometimes very genuine reasons why this is a struggle.

You don't have to believe me, I don't care. You can accuse me of bullying people, mistaking anxiety for nerves, whatever. But the minute you start mocking or belittling mental health disorders or acting as though you are sceptical of their existence, that's when you're no longer worth the time debating with because your agenda is very clear.

It isn’t that they don’t matter, it’s simply that if the cancer is terminal, then it doesn’t matter who else is there. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t mean you aren’t going to die and leave your loved ones behind prematurely.

And everything should be done to make that unbearable news easier. I totally hear that and am behind that. But sometimes you just cant. Why, because not everyone in there will be terminal. Some will get to live. But it’s not the case if they get this bloody horrible virus.

And even for the ones who are terminal, it doesn’t mean that the time they have left is unimportant. Suppose someone hears they have terminal cancer and they have maybe 6 months and then that turns into 6 weeks because they get Covid because of the increased transmission rates?

It’s a shit choice but it’s the right one IMO.

Sirzy - but the poster I am quoting was specifically mentioning that masks don’t work 100% and that two people in a small, room increase the sonographer’s risk. That doesn’t really vary hospital to hospital does it?

@MyMyMrThumb

I hope me foregrounding this poster's views hasn't made it worse for you; I just can't stand to see MH downplayed (probably due to my own experience losing my mother).

I'll shut up now, and I hope you are recovering. I believe you.

It does have a bearing.

Someone else’s presence doesn’t bring back a lost child or turn awful news into good news. It can help to share the pain, sometimes it might not. But at the moment the problem is not that it won’t turn bad news into good it’s that it might actually mean more bad news, more pain, more loss. That’s my issue here, simple as.

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@MyMyMrThumb

I hope me foregrounding this poster's views hasn't made it worse for you; I just can't stand to see MH downplayed (probably due to my own experience losing my mother).

I'll shut up now, and I hope you are recovering. I believe you.[/quote]
Not at all! It needs pulling up. Just not by me, but I appreciate it!

It isn’t that they don’t matter, it’s simply that if the cancer is terminal, then it doesn’t matter who else is there. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t mean you aren’t going to die and leave your loved ones behind prematurely

And that applies equally to someone getting bad news at a pregnancy scan. It’s not a bloody race to the bottom. The chances of someone getting appalling news at a cancer clinic are way higher and the same rules apply.

Why is it ALWAYS women that expected to be beaten with the shitty end of the stick?

You can interpret it in two ways, woman loses out as she has no one with her or man loses out as his partner gets to see the scan and he doesn't.

I know vinyl I was agreeing with you!

YANBU OP, I think everyone should be writing to their MPs about it. I'm not pregnant with no plans to be and had my only child 16 years ago. I can still remember how nervous and anxious I was that something would be wrong. And no having someone there doesn't change the outcome but it does make it easier for the mother who is going through an horrendous time.